Thursday, September 21, 2006
Encouragement From the Vine
I have found myself in a funk over the last few weeks. I hate being in funks, this usually frustrates me even more, just adding fuel to the fire. I'm not one that enjoys a good pity party for very long. As soon as I recognize the feelings of doubt and discouragement I try to pray about it and pray through it. I think the funk happens when I forget to leave my burdens at the altar. It happens when I try to carry them all around with me. Sure, I let God take a peak at them but for some crazy reason I don't give them completely over to Him, leaving them in His hands.
Once this happens, funk happens. I start getting very inward focused and try to play psychologist on myself. A downward spiral begins leading ever deeper into self, further away from God. I think this is part of Satan's scheme for us all. He tries his best to do whatever he can to get our eyes off of Christ. It is so subtle that I don't even realize it is happening, till suddenly, my joy is gone and I'm miserable.
Praise God He never turns His gaze off of me. Praise God He never changes. All I have to do is lift up my eyes and He is there- the Rock that can never be moved. But how do we connect the gap between these two abodes? How does one 'flip the switch' so to say? How do we get out of the funk of the mire and muck?
The simple answer: God
The complicated intricate answer: God
The psychological philosophical answer: God
The practical answer: Well, here is where I will base the rest of this blog, wrestling with this concept through sharing what God is showing me in this season of resting under God's garden hose (which is feeling more like a firehose these days) and getting all the mud washed off of me. (It is all summed up in John 15:1-17, which I definately recommend reading as soon as you get a chance.)
Sure I was still praying even though I was in a funk. That was actually part of my discouragement. Why wasn't God enough for me? Why wasn't I feeling content in Him? What was awry that made me feel I needed more, that left me unsatisfied?
Thankfully God is abounding in grace. He showed me ever so greatly the sin of my selfishness. I have shared before that 'Worship opens doors to all God's goodness'. Well, I have recently learned the power of the opposite truth. I am seeing that selfishness squelches the channel of His presence into my heart.
Let's go back to the vine and the branches (John 15:1-17)... God is the vine and I am only a branch. If I am separated from the vine- my lifesource- I will quickly turn brown and shrivel up and die (spiritually speaking). So when I am selfish and inward focused (i.e. in a funk) it is like pinching the branch. While I am still connected to the vine, I am not able to get the vital nourishment I need to grow and thrive, thus, spiritual shriveling occurs.
Although God was showing me all this, I was still feeling very helpless. I began praying and relying on 2 Corinthians 12:9, believing God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I was feeling very weak. I came to Him in utter faith to help me, to lift me up, to pour out His life-sap into me. I didn't have perfect grandiose words to say to Him. My prayer was simple: "Grace! In Jesus name, Amen."
Then, as I was reading and praying before bed last night God brought it all together for me. Usually revelations do not come quickly to me, often they take months or years to come together for me in a way I can understand. Although God was giving me small pieces of this a bit at a time- all the sudden He showed me the bigger picture- it all made sense. It was a McDonald's moment, instant gratification.
God showed me the parted Red Sea likened to the one He led Moses through, only I was alone- no Moses, no Israelites. There was a huge wall of water to my right, a huge wall of water to my left, a vast intimidating army behind me, but, before me was everything I could ever need- Christ. Christ parted the sea for me and provided a Way, His Way. He was calling me through the valley between the raging waters. All that was required of me was to walk straight ahead, on through, towards Him.
It was such a beautiful scene until I looked closer at the image. I would have liked to think I was marching through that ravine with my head held high and my eyes ablaze with the goal firmly in sight. I was looking for a victorious warrior, but all I saw was little ole me trembling there between the two massive walls of water, starring up into them. I was intimidated and terrified. I couldn't see that there was life beyond the raging waters. I couldn't see that there was a way through it. All I could see was what was surrounding me- fierce waters and a ravenous army. I stood paralyzed by fear.
That is when I heard the voice, looking up I saw the warrior I was trying to find in myself. It was the voice of Christ gently and firmly calling me, trying to get my attention. He knew if I could just look at Him I'd have the strength I needed to walk safely beyond the waters and leave the army trampled beneath it all. He saw my weakness and met my need. He fixed His gaze on me, locking His eyes into mine, directing me with each step I needed to take. He steered me around the boulders that lay in the dry sea bed, lighting each bend in the path. He stood at the end, seeing all- knowing all- providing all- being all.
With my eyes off of myself, off of what was surrounding me, and firmly fixed ahead on Christ, I did not stumble, could not stumble. He is the Way. He didn't guarentee the path would be easy, there was no assurance the journey would be safe or short, but He assured me it would be good and it would end in victory: faith, hope and love- the greatest being love.
I was deeply humbled last night by God graciously showing me all of this. It was encouraging and refining. I saw how detrimental selfishness has been to me and to my ability to bear fruit for His kingdom. Although I was going to God in prayer, (going to Him selfishly is always still better than not going to Him at all) what I realized is that even my prayers were selfish-centered and not God-centered. It was all about me. Worship is all about Him. I was doing the opposite of worship and wondering where His presence was?!?
Worry closes your doors to Him. Worship opens His doors to you.
God is showing me that the way to climb His holy mountain is to bring others up with me. I woke up excited with a renewed hope and a fresh challenge. My challenge: living beyond myself. I purposed to try to be intentional to pray for others at least as much as I prayed for my own needs today. I also finally obeyed God's leading to write a letter to a dear friend who's recently become a widow. I began turning my focus off of myself and onto God. I began praying and asking Him to show me ways I could worship Him by serving Him. (And asking for grace to sustain this desire!)
I went through my day. There were no fireworks, no pats on my back. Yet I had a fresh vibrant joy- a satisfaction and fulfillment that only pleasing my Savior can give. It was nice and I want more. The funk has lifted as my eyes have lifted.
Oddly, this afternoon I thanked God for withdrawing the sense of His presence from me, for otherwise I would have never had to search harder and push through to get to this place with Him. I would have missed this revelation. I know He never left me, it was I that was in the way. But now we have reached a new place together. One step higher up His Holy Mountain. One day closer to Him. One more chance to adore Him greater.
So this brings me to about an hour ago: I finished the very
holy and pious act of watching the Grey's anatomy premier, very good by the way, then I came upstairs to check emails. I was blown away. (I do not share this now to say send me encouraging emails- I share it just because God is so great and humorous like this.) I do not get what I like to call 'random emails of encouragement' very often. I always greatly appreciate it when I do, considering each one a morsel of grace. I figure God must know what I need, when He puts it on someone's heart to share something with me it is His way of providing for me in His sovereignty.
Today I felt like God opened the floodgates onto the dessert soil of my heart. While checking emails tonight, in what is usually mostly spam and boring, there were 5 separate 'random emails of encouragement'! It was very encouraging, not so much because of what they said, but the principle in it all. God saw and He cares. It was the principle of reaping what you sow. Today I was finally intentional about sowing- finding ways to care for others. And it's on this very day that God chose to send 5 different people out of their way to show me that He loves me and will care for me. It was overwhelming. He is good and faithful. He knows just what we need and when we need it. He is never early and never late. Had this happened to me last week I could have missed this lesson altogether.
So Onward- deeper into His love and grace with your gaze firmly affixed on your Warrior Savior, Jesus Christ. Onward-deeper into the rich joy He gives when you love others with the love He has shown you. Delight in Him and be vitalized by the delight He pours out upon you. Eyes up and onto Him. Let Him lead you up out of the mire and muck, out of the water walled valley- down beside peaceful springs of living water.
Abundant joy is yours through Him. Take joy wherever you go. The more joy that flows out- the more joy that will flow in. Pass joy on. Pass love on. "Love can and does go around the world, passed on God-currents from one to the other." (
God Calling, AJ Russells, Page 111) You will be amazed at the peace that will wash over you. Peace floods as your eyes connect to Christ's eyes. Peace floods as your life shares Christ's heart. Peace and joy are yours in abundance through Christ alone. Lift your eyes, lift the funk. Sow in love, reep in love abundant peace!
Some of you reading this might be attracted to this Warrior (not the worrier) I shared about earlier. You might be looking for a redeemer, a savior, a purpose, or a way out from the mundane burdens of the daily grind. You've probably tried lots of things but each time it has failed you and left you lacking. You have heard me share about the Way. But how do you get on the Way?
Through the cross- Jesus is the Way. (John 14:6)
Jesus bore all our sins on the cross- identifying with us and all our pain. He is our Savior Redeemer. He is the only Way, Truth and Life. There is NO WAY into abundant eternal life in the Kingdom of God apart from Him. All have sinned and fallen short, all are in need of the saving redeeming grace in Jesus Christ. The good news is, you do not have to wait to begin living in the abundant life of Christ. As soon as you connect to the Vine (Christ) by asking Him to freely and completely dwell in you by making your heart His home- you enter His abundant life and all His power is available to you. His power is limitless, knowing no boundaries. His power is freely given to all those who are His. He wants to call you His own. Respond to His call and let Him love you. Let Him surprise you.
You need His power and want access to His grace- abundant and so sufficient. He is longing to impart it extravagantly and freely to you. He is simply waiting for you to let Him. He is calling out to you asking you to lift your gaze and fix it on Him, to let go and let Him. If you haven't yet done so, take some time now and invite Jesus Christ into your life, then wait and let Him surprise you with just how amazing His grace and love really is. You might not see or feel anything immediately. But wait on God, get alone and be still. Think on the simple fact that He is God of all, creator of the universe and the lover of your soul. Get a bible and begin to get to know this intimate stranger, Jesus. (The books towards the end of the bible are all about Him.)
Connect to the Vine. Connect to Christ. Be intentional and let Him pour into you. It is one decision that will impact you for all eternity. God is good and Jesus is Lord. Always good- always Lord! He loves you just as you are. He created you that way and will accept you as you are, imperfections and all. He is perfect, you do not have to be! Invite Him into your life. Let Him love you. Let Him lavish His love on you. Let Him show you how much He loves you. He stands at the door of your life and heart knocking. Let Him in. He never promised to be safe- but He is always good! His grace is always sufficient! Life in Him- always fulfilling!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Bright Future
Our future is looking bright. One day at a time, one victory at a time. Each day conquered in God's grace is a victory. I never cease to be amazed at how sufficient God's grace is for today. It is always sufficient for TODAY.
Eli is my little rock star. His new hit, 'Twinkle Twinkle,' has just gone platinum. You should hear it. He rocks the house singing about his little star.
With all this new fame he has found it hard to be in the limelight. Thus when he discovered these great hot ducky shades in the bottom of the toy bin he was ecstatic at the solution to his problem. He now has an act rival to Stevie Wonder. He is surely an Eli Wonder to be reckoned with. He even has the moves- the stiff sway from side to side, yup he's got the whole act. He is nearly a triple threat.
Thankfully he has his new shades to help disguise him when we are out in public, that will help keep the press at bay and the autographs minimal. It is hard to be two and a twinkling rock star!
Eli is doing great handling all that is going on in and around him. He has handled all the doctor visits and tests, poking, and prodding with such grace. Despite having another small seizure this past Thursday morning he is thriving. We got the results back on his blood work and everything looked normal. This rules out any possible infection or vitamin deficiency causing the new scaring.
We are so grateful for your prayers and know this good news is in major part due to all the prayer releasing God's power over Eli. We still need to figure out the new scaring shown on the recent MRI. Also please pray that these seizures would cease immediately and that they would not hinder Eli's growth and development in any way.
I have reached a new milestone myself. As of yesterday I have grieved one day for each day AJ and I were married. As I went to bed last night I wept grieving this milestone- being AJ's widow longer than I was able to be his wife. I know this is a significant place to be. There is a sense of accomplishment I feel having made it to this point, yet a very real understanding is there as well- knowing I have only made it this far by God's grace alone. Thankfulness for His grace abounds in my tears as well.
I feel a wholeness in knowing I have had a full day to grieve and let healing enter into all the places of my heart for each day my heart was able to grow closer to AJ in love as his wife. Grief is long and hard. I know that it is something I will carry with me forever. It is a part of who I am, just as much as AJ and I were one and he is a part of who I am. I desire God's complete healing and restoration. I want Him to continue to stretch my heart and make room for more love- more love to enter and more love to flow out.
I feel a hope for myself as well as for Eli. I am hopeful for a bright future filled with love yet again. I am thankful for all the ways God is stretching my heart and flooding it with His healing. The pain of loosing such a wonderful husband and friend, AJ, transcends even my understanding. That is why I am thankful I can trust God with my heart completely- trust Him to care for me and restore me; trust Him to heal me; trust Him to bring His redemption to Eli and me however He sees fit and best. He has been so good and faithful to us. I know He is unchanging and will always remain faithful.
I do not know what this next season will hold. I wait on God, hanging onto the hope and promise of Isaiah 54:2-6, "Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family...Don't be afraid- you're not going to be embarrassed. Don't hold back- you're not going to come up short. (Message)...The shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood will be remembered no more, for your Creator will be your husband. The Lord Almighty is His name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you back from your grief. (NLT)"
I long for God's continued redemption in our lives. He has carried us so graciously and beautifully throughout each day and I know He is sufficient to meet all our needs, to handle anything that comes our way. There is nothing to difficult for Him- no road to winding, no heart to lonely, no pain to deep. Nothing can separate us from His love. So we continue to walk, relying on this love abundantly supplied to us.
Job 14:7-9, "If a tree is cut down, there is hope that it will sprout again and grow new branches. Though its roots have grown old in the earth and its stump decays, at the scent of water it may bud and sprout again like a new seedling."
Isaiah 6:13," Israel will remain a stump, like a tree that is cut down, but the stump will be a holy seed that will grow again."
I feel I'm relating much to a tree stump these days. I have been cut down, a deep and severe pruning has taken place. But I have hope for tomorrow, hope that there is abundant life in Christ awaiting me. He is the water I thirst for and I know He has promised to quench all those who thirst. He is good and the giver of good things. His rivers will never run dry. Come wash over me till my cup runneth over and new life- life in You- is abounding at every turn. Come pour out your rivers of blessing upon Eli and me and let us bear much fruit for You.
"Think of my trees-stripped of their beauty, pruned, cut, disfigured, bare, but through the dark seemingly dead branches, flows silently, secretly, the spirit-life-sap, till lo! with the sun of Spring comes new life, leaves, bud, blossom, fruit, but oh! a fruit a thousand times better for the pruning.
Remember that you are in the hands of the Master-Gardener. He makes no mistakes about His pruning. Rejoice. Joy is the Spirit's reaching out to say its thanks to Me. It is the new life-sap of the tree, reaching out to Me to find such beautiful expression later. So never cease to joy. Rejoice." (A.J. Russell, God Calling, Page 38.)
One day at a time. Moment by moment, kept in His love...
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Endure
I feel like it's been so long since I have been able to write a nice long inspired blog. I know God has been teaching me much in this season. Surely there is much to be writing about- yet each time I come to write lately it ends up being a call to more prayer or an update on Eli. I know this is good to write about but I do not want to neglect delving deeper and writing about some of the challenging things God is putting on my heart.
I am in a season where I know God is holding me. He is holding me so tightly I can almost literally feel His hands surrounding me. I know this is due in a major part to all the prayer going out for us. That is something so clear to me in this season: my own utter and complete inability apart from Christ and His grace. I can't take credit for anything apart from Him. Something so simple as a laugh is even a gift from His Spirit. He has given me more than a simple laugh, He has blessed me with joy despite all the hardships I see surrounding me. He is my reason to rejoice and He gives me the strength to smile- even sometimes to my own surprise.
I have referenced this verse many times already, but it is such a meaningful verse worth reflecting on often. Carl recently preached a sermon on this verse opening it up to new depths for me. Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." The interesting point he made is that while we might not be able to fly or run given our circumstances of the season, God will still uphold us and we will not faint. Sometimes the miracle is merely in the 'not fainting'.
This is where I find myself now. It doesn't feel like I'm flying on eagles wings or tirelessly running. But I am not fainting. I wake up and thank God that His mercies are new each morning. I ask Him to walk with me by His mercy and grace through out the day that I might not faint. Day after day He is more than faithful. He will never let me go. His strong right arm is always supporting me. Even as new burdens seem to come my way He always is right there providing the grace to walk and not faint. This is a miracle. This is a beautiful demonstration of His unfailing love.
I wish I had more to offer to others. I wish there was more energy and grace available in me that I could pour out onto others. The love God has shown me is so extravagantly wonderful, I want to pass it on. Yet I find myself in a season where I am requiring so much that there is little left for me to offer to those around me. I wish I was able to soar like the eagle. I wish I was in a season of being able to run, doing much for His Kingdom. I am praying for God to stretch my heart, to empower me to love more as He loves, to lay aside my selfishness and own personal comforts, agendas and fears.
I know the richer life is the more generous life. I want to be more generous. Not just materialisticly, but spiritually and emotionally. To pray for others more than I pray for my own needs, to listen more and talk less when having a conversation with someone, to find specific spontaneous ways to encourage those around me and let them know they are special and appreciated. Oh that God would give me a heart like His. As I wait in His presence this is what I beg for: to know Him more; to reflect Him more.
With all this generosity there must come a humility close by. I need this as well. I do not want to be generous for the sake of being important and well respected and appreciated. I do not want my motive to be self-seeking, but too often it is. It feels good to do something good for someone else. I know that is part of the reward God gives but it should not be the motive behind the action. I desire humility because apart from that none of my plans or good intentions will succeed.
I have heard pride defined as any action done apart from Christ. Humility would in turn be the opposite, any action done with Christ. Christ is the motive, Christ is the source, Christ is where the ability comes from to truly love well, to be generous with others. So the simple desire must be more of Christ. More of Christ begets more humility begets more generosity begets loving well. Oh how much more of Christ I desperately need!
It has been a hard and exhausting season for me. But I know God's grace is sufficient for me. He proves this to me time and again. I know that when it seems overwhelming it is because I am carrying a burden He longs to carry. I know it is then, most of all, that I need to get away and hide with Him in His presence and lay my burdens
back down at His feet. (I seem to have a way of picking them back up again.)
I must continue to go into His presence and abide in Him. This is where I am filled with love, joy and peace. This is where my load is lightened. This is where I receive His yoke. In His presence there is fullness of joy. This is what is meant by the command (not recommendation) to rejoice in the Lord always. Joy in Him. Joy in His presence. It is a constant thing. Constant abiding. Constant joy coming from constant union with Him; coming from surrendering all anxiety and burdens to Him; coming from trusting Him with all to be all.
"Do not forget to meet all your difficulties with love and laughter. Be assured that I am with you. Remember, remember it is the last few yards that tell. Do not fail me. I cannot fail you. Rest in My love. How many of the world's prayers have gone unanswered because My children who prayed did not endure to the end. They thought it was too late, and that they must act for themselves, that I was not going to act for them. Remember My words: 'He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.'...My children, is My training too hard? For you, My children, I will unlock the secret treasures hidden from so many. Not one of your cries is unheard. I am with you indeed to aid you. Go through all I have said to you, and live in every detail as I have enjoined you. As you follow implicitly all I say, success-spiritual, mental and physical-shall be yours. Wait in silence awhile, conscious of My presence, in which you must live and have rest unto your souls, and Power and Joy and Peace." (A.J. Russell's God Calling, page 43.)
These words offer such comfort and perspective. Not one of my cries is unheard. With God, to hear is to answer. He is close to the brokenhearted. His love is unfailing. He will never let me down. My cries pierce His heart. He is the answer. He is my sufficiency. He is my supply. His power is more than I can fathom. He is enough, more than enough. He is the Rock- faith in Him.
I need to see Him and know Him more. I need to know this power and strength. I have been meditating on the power of Christ, the power displayed in His cross. Reading this further offered a beautiful insite and perspective: "My strength is the same as that in which I conquered Satan in the Wilderness-depression and sorrow in the Garden, and even Death on Calvary. Think of that." (A.J. Russell's
God Calling, page 23.)
Ever since I read this I have been thinking upon that- the power of Christ. Christ has always been. His power is constant. I often reflect on the Cross as this great display and outpouring of power. It was no doubt this. I am not taking any power out of the work of the cross, rather I am realizing that this power, the power of Christ knows no bounds and is ceaseless. It existed when God was creating light and setting boundaries to the oceans (John 1). It existed in the manger, it existed when Christ bent down and wrote in the dirt (John 8), it existed in the wilderness, it existed on the cross and it still exists today. Christ's power will continue to exist in unending glory for all eternity! That is a power-ful thought and reality.
To meditate on Christ, even the power in His name alone, would quickly ease the anxieties of this life. More of Him. Rest in Him, conscious of His presence, conscious of His power. This same power we saw on the cross is available to you and me alike. He is there ready to offer it to us would we simply come to Him, abide in Him. He is calling, He is able, He is longing to meet our longing. God is not in our worrying, He is in our worship. Leave the worries at His feet and worship Him. This is where His power can flow- in our worship. Worry does not release His power. Worship opens the floodgates of heaven.
I know it is when the pressures of life squeeze us most that we seem to want to run from the Presence. I do this yet I do not understand it. I am intimidated by entering the Silence, not wanting to give the energy I think the Hiding away requires. When in actuality, it's when I press on into His presence that I am filled and refreshed. This is where I am equipped for anything that comes my way. Oh that I could see this in the moments when I feel the tug strongest and respond by a substitute counterfeit.
More of Him. Away with Him. Rest in His love and let His songs of deliverance and peace wash over all anxiety, unrest and doubt. Peace, Love, Joy, and Laughter in Him- this is communion with the Savior. May this be my sole desire. Endure with Him. In time the walk will become a run and the run will soon begin to soar. One day at a time. Moment by moment, kept in His love.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Photo Update
Eli is looking really good with his new haircut. It has been quite a full month. Here is a bit of a photo recap on what we've been up to recently (besides baking brownies).
This is the Brown family at Jamie and Catherine Brown's wedding. These are truly amazing people. When AJ and I moved to DC we lived with this family for a while down in their basement. It was such a special time for us all. Patti is my DC mom. I consider them family and have spent much wonderful time with them through the years now. I was very honored to even get to sit with them in the 'family row' at the wedding. It was a great privilege.
Patti and me before the ceremony. The wedding was a great joyous event, so beautiful and honoring to God.
Sportin' his new red Chuck Taylors and doing a great job of it!
Eli is excited to see Mimi but not so excited about the kisses.
Eli is really into fountains right now. Whenever we pass one while we are driving he points it out and gets really excited. While we were out to dinner we discovered this great fountain that he could really get into. Who cares if he got his brand new shoes wet- he had a great time!
More fountain fun...
There is something about this mid-sneeze picture that is just priceless...If a picture says a thousand words than this one must say two thousand!
My mom came in town to visit this weekend. It was very nice to spend some time together.
