Thursday, May 11, 2006
Scars
Going through the trials I have experienced through out my life has shown me not that I am special and deserve any recognition or attention because of what I have faced, but rather that everyone has a story. Everyone has experienced pain and dissappointment. Everyone has scars. We are all broken and we are all fallen. We are all in need of a Comforter.
Why does God allow us to be scarred? That could be answered with another question- Why did God allow Christ to be scarred? Christ was scarred to bring us to God, we are scarred and through that God can draw us to Himself and conform us into His image. He doesn't cause the scar and He doesn't delight in the scar, but He redeems them by displaying His comfort and power.
It is interesting that the Coming of the Kingdom we read about in Luke 17 was brought about by suffering. Christ's work was fulfilled through suffering. Our redemption came because of the intense suffering of a man, Jesus. In vs.25 we see this, "First the Son of Man must suffer terribly and be rejected by this generation." Suffering and rejection are what usher in the Kingdom of God! That truth washes the syrup off of modern Christian 'religion.'
This does not mean we need to go seeking suffering, rest assured that in time, suffering will come and you will be able to chose whether you allow God to use it in your life to conform you or not. 1 Peter 6-7, "So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
The trial, the wound, is there to confrom us into the image of Christ. Part of Christ's image is His scars. He is recognized and identified by His scars, John 20:27, "Then Jesus said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here and see my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!'." The scars Christ bears in essence sum up His whole being and purpose. It's all there in the scars: the evidence is in the scars, the proof is in the scars.
I find it amazing that the hand sign the deaf use to signify Jesus is pointing into the palm of each hand, back and forth. This is a symbol of pointing to the scars. This is how the American Sign Language identifies Christ- by His scars. Oh the power and beauty of the scars, that we might know and behold the wonder and majesty of it all!!!
As I have been begging God to be more like Christ and conformed into His image, I recently had the revelation that the scars are a vital part of this. My scars are a way I can identify with Christ and He with me. The scars are a way I am made more like Him, they are a way through which I can reflect Him.
Christ was redeemed and raised to life by way of the scars. I am redeemed and given abundant life- a fuller, richer life- by way of the scars for through them I am being conformed into the image of Christ. Because of the scars, His and mine, I can take comfort in knowing Him more intimately because we walk the same road.
Christ is my life-mate sharing each experience with me, guiding me along roads unknown, roads never intended to be traveled alone. They are winding and intimidating apart from Him, but with the gentle guiding of His scarred hand within mine theyare refining and rewarding- for they lead to His throne, His glory and His presence. They lead to greater knowledge and fellowship; to more of Him.
So you see, this is how one can rejoice and take delight in the scars. They are beautiful. They are image bearers. I love to hear little boys (and sometimes not so little boys) showing off their scars to their friends as if they were each badges of courage. They take delight in their scars and are respected for each scar reflecting a deeper larger wound than the next. There is truth behind this, reason behind this.
Christ bears His scars, they are badges of love and badges of courage. We have our wounds, some of these wounds are still in the process of becoming scars. Remember the scars of Christ and take delight in His badges of love. Let your scars become something that draws you closer to Him. Let is be used to conform you into His image. Let it be a way you reflect Him and His beauty and character.
James 1:2-4, "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an oppurtunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. Let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for ANYTHING."
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Waiting and Empowered
I write these words as I gaze upon the beautiful vast Atlantic Ocean. The solitudic rythym of the waves gracing against the shore are permiating any places of unrest within me. This is peace. Outer Banks, North Carolina is where the scene is layed. I am here on vacation with my family. It is so wonderful and such a blessing to be together in such a beautiful place.
The lazy days and the stillness of life here offers much time to bask in the presence of God- to wade in His waters; to let His peace and love wash over me. Sometimes the silence is a scary place to be, sometimes there are painful realities in the silence. But to the silence we must go to hear the voice of God for it is in the silence that He is the loudest, it is in the silence that we can best hear Him.
Peace, be still oh my soul. Let all that is within me bless His holy name.
The balm of the Lord is penetrating into my inmost being and bringing healing, soothing the sores and hurts of life past. I must continue to allow God to do this work in my heart. This is the restoration of the cross. This is the redemption I yearn for. This work is vital to knowing the abundant life promised in Christ.
I have had a difficult time grasping the concept of expectations in relation to God. My life has not gone as I expected. I keep getting these ideals, these expectations of what the promised land I have set out to enter looks like. (A husband/father for Eli, a house, a family, a successful ministry, beauty, perfection...) Each time I try to journey there I find myself on a different road, I feel frustrated and dissappointed. But the road God continues to lead me down brings blessings and redemption in unexpected ways that I was not looking for. It is always perfectly what I need. It is always more of Him.
I know I am in His will as I wait on Him. I am really beginning to let go of what I think I need and even think I want. Waiting on God in the end will be the only road to true satisfaction and fulfillment. But there is a balance to this truth of surrender. We do not want to resent God as we wait. The purpose of the waiting is to grow us to trust and know God in a greater way.
I didn't realize how close I had come to crossing this line. My scale was tipping steaply. Thankfully there is the abundant love of God. Thankfully through Christ, in the stillness I can enter the presence of God to recieve loving revelation and wisdom from Him.
I was hanging out with God the other day and praying as I often do. We were talking about nothing too serious or earth moving. I was praying about the usual things I bring before His throne. One major topic is surrender. I feel as though I must constantly lay down my desires; make them known to God and then let Him do it His way and fulfill them or not fulfill them as He sees fit.
I was doing this about one desire in particular, something I have wrestled in prayer over for a long time. I have begged God for this, tried to manipulate Him with good behavior, I have wept for this and thrown many a tantrums over this one thing I yearn for but can't seem to have right now. I am at the end of myself in regards to this desire. I felt as though I had reached the point of true total and absolute surrender. I thought I was right where God wanted me.
This is what I was talking to God about. I was surrendering my surrender. "I give up God, I guess I might as well stop asking because You are clearly going to give it or not give it how and when You see fit." To this frustrated statement God gently responded by rocking my world and flipping it over! He said quite clearly to me, "I am not trying to defeat you!"
Then He kept repeating those words and letting them penetrate deep into my heart. "I am not trying to defeat you. I am not trying to defeat you. I am not trying to defeat you."
What did God mean by this? Of course, He wouldn't want to defeat me, I was His child! Why would He say this to me? I took this to Him and asked Him for understanding. This is what He revealed to me:
"I am not trying to defeat you. You are defensive and on your guard but there is no need to be. I am not going to rob you of any pleasure or good gift I have for you, and trust me, they are abundantly in store for you! I love you. You are my child. Nothing will change this. The point of surrender is not so I win, it is for your growth. I am not trying to win, we are not fighting against each other. It is not a defeat I seek. I want to empower you. I want you to have what is perfect and best for you. I want you to let me do this because I love you so. I am not trying to defeat you. Let your guard down, let Me empower you, let Me love you. Surrendur to My way because I know and love you better than you could ever know and love yourself. Trust me, I am good. I am not trying to defeat you. Peace, be still."
This was an astounding revelation to me! I didn't realize how defeated by God that I'd felt. I didn't realize the lie I was believing. I didn't realize the root of bitterness that was beginning to grow within me. I couldn't see past this to see God's love and wisdom in the waiting. But surely He is good and is not simply Lording over me. He is not on an ego trip- He is God and has no reason to be. He is secure in who He is and does not need to be validated! The call to absolute surrendur is a call made out of absolute love.
I must surrender out of love, trust and faith- not out of defeat and frustration. For to surrender in this way would denote that once I received the things I was waiting on God for, I would feel like I won and like I defeated God and convinced Him to give me what I wanted. I can't control God. This type of surrender does not promote love of God or growing in knowlege of Him. For once the surrender is no longer necessary everything would return just as it was before the surrender, there would be no heart change- no growth. It all would be wasted.
God wants us to surrender to Him so He can empower us, so we can grow and so our hearts can be conformed to His will. When He gives us the desires which we surrendered, He will be glorified and we will further be sanctified. We will see His sovereignty and wisdom in the waiting and withholding, then in the bestowing and blessing. There will be greater love of God; a deeper more intimate relationship and fellowship to be shared.
I am realizing now that no amount of begging or crying or tantrums or perfection will give me what I want.
I must stop trying to change God's will for me and instead beg Him to change my heart, conforming it to His will. There is great peace to be found in the waiting. Growth occurs through the waiting. No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who wait on Him!
Wait on Him in prayer. Wait on Him through reading and meditating on the promise of His Word. Wait on Him in His presence. Worship Him and let His love wash over you as you trust Him in the waiting. His love is unconditional. Wait on Him till He has saturated you with His love.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Royal Betrayal?
How does one obtain faith in God after feeling betrayed by Him? And how am I supposed to trust Him? I do not have your faith -- how do I get it?
This was a recent comment on one of my latest posts. I love these questions. I know I am totally ill-equipped to answer them. But I do not want to leave these stones unturned. I am going to be raw and real and try to share my thoughts and responses to these questions based on the revelation the Holy Spirit has given me.
Before I begin I want to pray...
"God, be with me now as I attempt to wrestle with these huge questions that creation has been asking since the fall of man. I need You to come and empower me as I sit in my room and write this night. Please speak through me and use me as a vessel to bring Your wisdom and understanding and revelation. I am Yours completely. I surrender to You and want everything I am, everything I say, and everything I do to honor You. I need You Lord! Apart from You I can do absolutely nothing. I need You right now as I gather my thoughts and try to express them. Give me articulation and clarity. Let Your words pour forth from my heart and penetrate deep into the hearts of each person that reads this. Prepare the soil of each and every heart that these words fall upon and may they bear fruit for You...good, plentiful fruit. Be glorified God. Be magnified. Let me not lean on the wisdom of men but rather on Your Spirit. In Jesus name I pray to You, God of All. AMEN."
I did feel betrayed by God. This is a very real emotion I have wrestled with. It was more than just AJ's death, but all AJ's life encompassed for me that made the betrayal I felt in losing him even greater. God used AJ as a redeemer in my life in many ways. I needed him to come and rescue me. Things were hard and I was clinging to God's word that He would supply all of my needs.
I have not shared this background information, but I feel now is the time. Before I met AJ I battled an eating disorder. I was anorexic and bulimic for nearly 5 years. I weighed as little as 82 pounds when I was my sickest. It was during these really bad months that God brought AJ into my life.
To all of the men reading this now, this is a 'wild at heart story' if there ever was one! Wild At Heart by John Eldridge is a wonderful book that I highly recommend!
I was very thin and actually quite scary looking. I was far from attractive, but AJ saw beyond that and saw a beautiful daughter of the King. Before AJ, I fought the eating disorder mostly alone. God brought people into my life who cared and tried to help me but it was never enough to get me to give up my addiction. (I have always had high standards ;)
I knew the life I was living was sin. I was walking with God at the time but for some reason I was so ensnared by this sin that I couldn't seem to be set free from it. I read my bible, I prayed, I tried my best to do everything right. I even did what the Christian self-help books suggested. Each time only getting thinner and sicker.
I was waiting for liberty and waiting for redemption. I continued to pray and ask God to heal me. He was waiting for the perfect time for the certain man He had chosen and prepared for the task of fighting for me to be able to come, we both needed to be ready. I needed to be fought for and AJ needed a battle to fight and beauty to win. I was so privileged to get to be His beauty.
The months that followed after AJ and I got together were filled with joy, but there was a greater depth to that season. We spent hours in prayer. I would rest near AJ and he would stroke the symbol of the cross on my forehead and pray for me, often we cried together as we faced this overwhelming mountain. This was a daily thing. He fought for me in prayer and let me be a part of it. He came in my weakness and offered strength.
He also continued to hold me accountable during the times we weren't together. He let me call him at any hour whenever temptation began to overcome me. I did just that. I would call him at 3:00 in the morning and he would, with his groggy voice, pray with me right then and there on the phone.
God used AJ. I needed AJ. I needed a tangible expression of God's love and strength. AJ was my tangible expression. Imperfect as every human is- but none the less, God's chosen vessel to bring great healing and freedom in my life.
After months of intense prayer we overcame the eating disorder. The simple way we overcame it was moment by moment. AJ would challenge me to an afternoon of eating and staying healthy and as I was able to conquer that we increased our goal to a whole day, and then 2 days, than a week, than a month and so forth... We took baby steps. We took them together.
The hold it had over me was broken. I knew it was broken and AJ knew it was broken. Christ broke that hold when He died on the cross but making that a reality in my life and living it out daily took time and years of prayer.
This is a victory AJ and I will forever carry together. I know it is part of his glory in heaven. Six months after AJ and I were together, I felt freedom for the first time in 5 years. On June 13th, 2002 AJ asked me to be His wife. I was his plunder. I was his prize. He won his 'beauty.' I was she.
So, this is where the betrayal was made an even greater point of confusion and contention. I thought God was going to show me His love and strength through AJ. I thought I was his reward. I thought he was my blessing and redemption after all the pain and hardship I'd faced. I thought he was my fighter. What happened God?
I began to think as Job's friends thought, who I must add were later greatly rebuked, was I not faithful with AJ? Was there sin in my life and that is why this awful thing happened to me? What does this mean about God's love and strength? Did it end with AJ's death?
It did seem to me like I was betrayed by God but the reality was that He never left me and never forsook me. This has been evident as I lift up my gaze and afix it on Him. I have been able to feel His arms supporting me and His hands holding me. His grace has been tangible, powerful and real.
So although from my perspective everything had come crashing down, including my faith- God has remained my rock that can never be shaken. He knew right where to find me as He always does. He never moved and His love never changed. He did not betray me. His ways are ways that I do not understand but He has given me grace to live under His sovereign hand.
(It is only by grace and the strong loving hand of God that I am able to be here today, that I am able to write these words now and have the conviction and authority that they are true and that God is good.)
AJ was one of the first ways I ever really felt God's goodness and love in a personal way, and now it was gone, he was gone. Did that mean God really wasn't as good or didn't love me as much as I thought? I wrestled with these questions. I asked myself how I could ever have faith after feeling so betrayed. I wondered if I ever would be able to trust Him.
I do not think there is anything wrong with asking these questions. It is better to acknowledge them and ask them than to ignore it and pretend the feelings aren't there. Satan would try to convince us to hide it under the rug, but all that would produce is a superficial relationship with God. The emotion and heart would be forced out and we'd end up with a stomach ache from all the sugar coating!
Job was rewarded for asking these very questions. As I have said before, I believe it is actually a greater step of faith to express doubt in God and to ask Him these hard questions. It suggests that we believe He is big enough to handle our doubt. It suggest that we believe His love is great enough that He will still continue to love us despite our unbelief.
I am captivated by the fact that He loves us so much that even as were were still sinners, He let His son die on the cross for us even though we did not deserve it at all. Surely His love is still there for us in the midst of our questioning. If you don't ask Him these questions than how can you ever expect to receive any real and satisfying answers to these questions. This is the way you ask for faith.
Ask faith altering questions with faith altering boldness and watch your faith be altered and your God be magnified!I can not give the answers to these questions. Only God can meet you there and respond in the way you need to be comforted. He is the only sufficient one. Each person's pain is different. Our scars are unique. You might cut your hand in the exact same place that I cut my hand, but you can never have my scar. Our scars are unique and they remain with us forever. Even in heaven we bear our scars as marks of honor and victory, as testimonies of faith. They resonate of challenges overcome and of battles won and of pain soothed.
The only way we can have faith in the midst of these pressing emotions is by the power of His Holy Spirit. The way God increased my faith and comforted me is going to look and be different than the comfort He offers you. This is only because He loves you enough to meet you right where you are at. He took the time to create you wonderfully specific and unique and He will take the time to shape you and your faith to fit His perfect design. God never promises to give us anyone else's faith, but rather He promises something much greater:
Faith that can move mountains!!!I wish I had practical answers to these questions. If I could come of with a 5 step system to overcoming feelings of betrayal by God I would be a millionaire! But it is more complicated and more simple than a 5 step system. It just can't be rationalized out like that. We can not have faith apart from Him. He gives us the faith we need.
We can not receive that faith unless we go to Him. There must come a point when we go to God because we want to go and we want faith even though we might not feel like it will help at all. Simply going to Him is a great step of faith. I think going with doubt that He won't meet you there is better than not going at all, because this I know...He will meet you there.
You might not feel it, you might not see it and you might not know it. But that is exactly what faith it. Hebrews 11:1 defines it beautifully, "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (This entire chapter is really good on the topic of faith- it'll put some candy in your heels.)
This has been a hard long road for me. I am still walking on it! It is still hard. But the grace is very real. The knowledge that with my God I can move a mountain is very real. Every morning that I make the decision to get out of bed and continue to live life moves that mountain a bit more. Revel in each victory no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Our walk with God is moment by moment. His love and grace is with us for He is with us moment by moment.
I haven't always had faith or perspective as I do now. I know my faith has a lot more growing to do. I still have my doubts and moments of unbelief and distrust- we all do and it's often called pride: when we step into God's place and take over because we don't think He's got it under control. Oh how I desire to have a humble heart! God's got the whole world in His hands!!!
For me, getting to this current place first and foremost took grace! Through that it took determination, feistyness and stubbornness. I had read the scriptures and wanted to believe in all the promised love and hope they offer. I believe that it is a bit like getting ready in the morning. You don't wake up ready to go out on the town. You have to be intentional and take the appropriate steps required, be it combing your hair and brushing your teeth and putting on presentable clothes.
This is a lot like putting on the garments of praise. It is an act we do in anticipation and preparation of what is to come. We are proactive. We act our way into feeling instead of feel our way into acting. It is amazing, but God has a way of letting our feelings begin to line up with our actions as our actions line up to His will. This is when He can give you the desires of your heart, when your desires become the same as His desires for you.
What does this look like? Among many other things it is declaring and believing that Jesus is Lord. As Romans 10:9-10 (Message) says, "It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God- 'Jesus is my master'- embracing, body and soul, God's work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not 'doing' anything, you're simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: 'God has set everything right between him and me!' " It is resting in Him, it is surrender and it is child like faith.
I did feel betrayed but I knew that God would never leave me or forsake me. I had to cling to this promise or else I had nothing to cling to and no reason to get out of bed in the morning. So call it desperation or call it faith call it whatever you want- I know it was grace. I knew He would do as He said He would do and work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He is in the midst of doing that now. I am in the midst of waiting.
I have had to declare that God is good and Jesus is Lord from the moment I heard the news of AJ's death. I knew to waiver in that was not an option for me. God had brought me to such a desperate place that it was all or nothing. I don't usually give up without a fight. I am feisty. This is a good thing channeled to God. So I said these words daily whether I felt it or saw it or not. As I talked to others, I said these words. In my heart, I said these words. As I prayed, I said these words.
It was hard and it took a long time before I felt comfort and conviction in these words. But saying this truth long enough finally began to penetrate even my hard heart and head. God has been washing this revelation over me each time I said it, stripping away layers of the pain and hurt. I began to recognize the truth of these words, God is good and Jesus is Lord. These words have now become the anthem of my life.
Community is another major way I was able to walk through this major punch in the gut of my faith. We are not required or expected to do this alone. We are to rely on the faith of others when our faith is weak and to offer faith to others when they need it. This is a humbling posture to maintain. But it is how God designed us. We need each other and we are co-existent.
I am staring at a notepad sitting beside me on my desk. It has different colored elephants in a line. Each elephant has it's long nose holding onto the tail of the elephant in front of it and they are walking. I was looking at that image and questioned why God created elephants in such a way that they would want to walk like this. I wondered, even as they walk through the jungle and there are no ring leaders from the circus directing them, why they still choose to walk in this manner?
Community is the reason. Elephants know it is easier and safer to walk if they are holding onto each other. There is strength and power in numbers. A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken.
One of my good friends Katie Mcdonnell made such an awesome observation recently: When we are in a fellowship and community of believers we are always growing in faith because there are always things to be praying for and trusting God for either personally or for others. Likewise there are always ways that God is providing and answering prayers or demonstrating His goodness and power and love. We can encourage each other through all things. God's character does not change. So even though we might not see His goodness personally, in a tangible way, we know by His word that it is real and we never have to look very far to see it around us in other's lives.
So the next question this poses is: Well doesn't it rub salt in the wound if you are watching other people receive the blessings you long for? You know what, it really sucks to be quite frank with you (although I know my name is Kellie :)
I have had the painful pleasure of watching now 11 friends announce that they are pregnant! We all had our children around the same time and now they are all getting pregnant again, everyone but me. I am not able to because I do not have a husband anymore. I wanted to do as the bible says and rejoice with those who rejoice- but that was really hard and went against everything I was feeling. All I could do was pray and offer the hurt and disappointment to God.
The amazing thing is to even my surprise God softened my heart. He showed me lovingly and gently the blessing in the situation. I still desire to be a wife and a mom, to have a large family sitting around a table sharing meals together and walking through life together. But now as I wait for that time to come God is giving me 11 babies for me to help mother- what abundance! My friends all have children and families and will need help with their new additions. I am in a season where I am able to offer them help. I know there will be tremendous blessing in helping them. If only in the soft cuddly warmth of holding an infant, there will be blessing. God is good and Jesus is Lord!
This is the bottom line. When life sucks we just have to continue to offer it all up to God. Every tear, every bit of anger, every pang of pain, ever lie of betrayal- bring it to the cross. Christ still has his scars and He hasn't forget the pain. He hasn't forgotten your pain or your scars either.
Only in His presence can there be healing. We must take that step of faith and go boldly into His presence. He bids us to come. Matthew 11:28-30 (Message), "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
In His presence there is healing in His wings. There is a balm in Gilead. Open yourself up to God- risk it all for Him, afterall, what do you have to loose. He has already risked it all for you. You were worth it to Him. He would have still let His son die a shameful death on the cross even if you were the only person he was dying for- He loves you that much.
Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth."
It is as we lift up our eyes above our circumstances, above the reality we can see and feel and set our gaze on Christ that we find help and healing. We lift our eyes as we focus on Christ. We focus on Him through prayer and worship, by study and meditation on the Word.
When Peter walked on water he was able to stay afloat and not sink only as he fixed his gaze on Christ. The moment he looked at all the waves raging around him he began to sink. He would have been engulfed by the waves had he not grasped onto the strong hand reaching out for him to lift him up.
Fix your eyes on Christ and when the moments come that waves are so large that they seem to overwhelm you, reach out your hand and you will feel the scars. Take hold of those strong scarred hands and trust them to lift you up. He is faithful and He is good and He'll prove it you- He's that good and loves you that much.
I have found that the times I see myself in the greatest danger of drowning are the times that I am looking at the waves; looking at my situation or circumstances instead of the glory and majesty, promise and hope of God. This is when, by grace, I need to be still and know that God is God. I need to be quiet and enter the silence and pray. I need to stay there and wait till I am again basking in the glory of God and seeing His goodness. It takes time to wait for this revelation to come. Offer as much time as is needed. He is good and He is God and He will reveal that to those who wait on Him.
Lift up your eyes. Sometimes faith is a matter of lifting our perspective. We never get over whatever hardship it is we face but rather we learn to live with it and we overcome it. It is like when your leg is amputated. You never have your leg back again but eventually you get a prosthetic leg and you slowly learn to walk again. It's never the same but eventually you are walking around again.
It takes time. Be patient. On Page 17 of his book Intercessory Prayer Dutch Sheets says, "Stubbornness, however, can be channeled into a righteous force called persistence or endurance. A lack of endurance is one of the greatest causes of defeat, especially in prayer. We don't wait well. We're into microwaving; God, on the other hand, is usually into marinating."
Acknowlege the pain. Acknowlege the disappointment and take it to God. Open your heart up to Him and pour it out on His feet. He considers it to be the most expensive perfume you could ever offer. Wash His feet with your tears and He will cleanse your heart with His.
It might be scary or uncomfortable, but take the risk and enter into His presence baring all. Be unpretentious with the sole desire of knowing Him. Let Him increase your faith however He sees fit. Ask Him to do this, beg Him for this, let it be the cry of your heart. Let Him surprise you there. Let His waves and breakers wash over you and bring healing to every nook and cranny of your being. Stay there and soak. Return there and soak. For that is where your treasure lies; that is where the healing balm is found.
I will close with sharing the words to a song I wrote 2 weeks before AJ died. God has used this song and the truth of these words to carry me the most throughout this season.
SEA OF GLASS (Revelation 4:6)
At Your throne there is peace
At Your throne I find rest
At Your is a sea of glass
for the waves of the world
do not roll at Your throne
I will wade in the waters at Your throne
As You refresh and renew my Spirit
I rise high like the eagle
By Your strength I receive at Your throne
You lead me through the valley
And into the promised land
There I find I'm back at Your throne
For it's there that my treasure lies
