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Sunday, February 26, 2006

This picture was taken last week! To all of you who live up north...it has been in the 80s here all week!!! I love Florida and from the looks of it- so does Eli.

Although...even in Florida it gets cold sometimes and we enjoy that too!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Thank You

To all 'The Men of IHOP'- you know who you are and you know what you did- THANK YOU!!! You blessed me more than words can describe. God used your kindess today in a way a I desperately needed. It was a way God made His love for me real and tangible, thanks for letting Him use you. I was very moved and humbled by your generosity. Thank you... Thank You... THANK YOU!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

You Alone

One of Eli's favorite books is entitled, "Thank You God." We read it all the time. A few days ago he picked up the book and said aloud, "Thank you God." My heart melted and in response to my reaction he continued to repeat the phrase. I thought about how much that must bless God's heart to hear His child thank Him! What a moving moment, a moment I was so thankful for. It was a gift that lead me to overflow in thankfulness to my God.

Eli and I always rock and read a book together before his nap. So after thanking God together and reading our book, 'Thank You God' I put Eli down for his nap. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

I got a guitar for my birthday but had no clue how to begin to play it. After a few months of dust collecting I figured that I'd never play it unless I got diligent about learning and began to take guitar lessons. So that is what I did- a few weeks ago I found a teacher and started learning how to play the guitar; something I've always wanted to do.

I have gotten in the routine of practicing my guitar right after I put Eli down for his nap. So last Sunday, after Eli and I's sweet moment thanking God, when Eli was resting, I got out my guitar and sat by my piano and began to play. I only knew a few chords which was all I needed to play the one song I had learned.

The song is a David Crowder song called, 'You Alone.' I didn't know all the words well and since I didn't have the music in front of me I just kept repeating two of the lines in the Chorus, "You alone are Father and You alone are good."

As I was playing and worshiping I glanced over my shoulder casually. As I did, my eyes caught a picture of AJ and I. During this, God dropped an amazing revelation and gift into my spirit:

A few days after AJ died a good family friend was preparing the music for AJ's service. He was rehearsing with the band and they were singing the song, You Alone. The song ends by repeating the phrase, "I'm Alive." As they got to this point in rehearsal and were repeating the phrase, God gave this man a vision of AJ standing in heaven with his arms outstretched, joy all over his face, singing this song.

Seeing this moved him so much, it was so real and powerful, that he had to stop singing and stop rehearsal and he sent everyone home. He immediately came over to our house to share with us what God had just shown him. We all were moved and thankful for the gift and assurance at that time.

That was almost a year and a half ago. I haven't thought much about that moment since then. I kind of just thanked God for showing me that, yes, AJ was alive and happy in heaven. I had so much else going on, that was about all I could conceive about the vision then.

Last Sunday God took that same vision deeper for me. As I sang the song and played my guitar I was reminded that it was the same song God showed AJ singing in heaven. Then God quickened my heart to the words and showed me the significance of why AJ was singing that particular song verses any of the other tons of songs he could have been singing.

Here are the Lyrics to the song:

You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at Your feet
I worship You alone.

You alone are Father
And You alone are good
You alone are Savior
And You alone are God

You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want
To give you my heart and my soul

You alone are Father
And You alone are good
You alone are Savior
And You alone are God

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

As I thought about these words and all that was going on during the time that God showed AJ singing this, it was so powerful to me. Here was AJ- just arriving in heaven and entering the fullness of joy. I'm sure he knew what he had left behind on earth, his family and friends that he loved. I am sure he knew the danger Eli was in and how poor his condition was as a result of the accident.

I can only imagine that for a father to see his child in such a bad condition and not be able to do anything to help them would be so awful. It is a father's role to protect and offer strength, but in those days when Eli needed strength the most AJ was unable to come and father Eli and offer him his strength.

To think in that moment, AJ fully understanding all going on, that AJ offered this prayer and cry to God is amazing. Even more amazing is that God in His graciousness chose to reveal to us AJ's prayer and declaration through this song. AJ, standing before the throne of God, able to fully comprehend God's strength, greatness and power- knew fully that God alone is Father and that He alone would be able to father Eli and in response to that truth AJ worshiped Him, declared that truth and bowed at the feet of Christ! WOW!!!

Even the 2nd verse to the song is comforting in that it says that God had given AJ more than he ever could have wanted. A few days before AJ began truly living he sent me an email thanking me for being his wife and basically saying this exact phrase. To know that when it all was said and done, AJ entered eternity fully content knowing he lacked nothing is such an amazing thought. I want the same to be true of me.

That is the perspective I think we all should have. Not one of entitlement, but rather of gratitude which says God, You've given me more that I ever could have wanted- thank you!

It has taken me nearly a year and a half to even begin to understand the depth of truth to the words of this song. I have tried to declare it and believe it, but the farthest distance that exists is the distance between my head and my heart. These words are finally beginning to enter my heart and thus be lived out in my life.

I didn't realize how much I was clinging to the feeling of entitlement which naturally squelches thankfulness. I felt that since I had been through so much- lost so much- and still remained faithful to God that I deserved blessing- and not just blessings, but the specific blessings at the specific moments that I thought was appropriate. And each time as I was let down I became frustrated and disappointed. I didn't recognize all the pride that was gripping my heart. It was the worst kind of pride, the most devious and evasive pride- spiritual pride.

Anything I have is a gift from God. I deserve none of it. Everything exists to bring God glory. No where in the bible does it say otherwise. I am not entitled to anything. I felt so robbed in losing AJ. It is not that the loss is any less now, but despite of it, God is showing me that He is still enough for me. Even when it seems I have little- with God I still have much.

Since AJ's death I've gripped firmly to the hope and expectation that God would redeem Eli and I's life. The only way I could envision that redemption was through God bringing another man to father Eli and be my husband; giving us back that which was taken from us. I expected that and felt entitled to it. I wanted it and prayed for it daily. None of this is wrong in itself, but my heart was wrong.

I see too, what I wanted was impossible, I wanted AJ back and that could never be. I can not hold any man to that expectation because that is not fair to him. Only AJ can be AJ. As much as I want AJ and want him to husband me and father Eli- I have to believe that if that is exactly what Eli and I needed than that is what we would have, but we will never have AJ again. What Eli and I need must be different now. God knows what that is and He will provide that in His perfect timing and way.

My prayer was more one of distrust and fear. 'God we NEED a husband and father, we need you to redeem our lives, we can't do this alone.' God met that over and over again with, "You're not alone, I've given you all you need. I am your husband and Eli's father." But that never gave me satisfaction. I never let myself wait on God long enough to see if that would be true. Instead I clung tighter to the script I had written out for how God would redeem our lives.

Praise God that He did not follow my script!!! For I know His ways are higher than our ways and so much better. I have had such a hard time letting God husband me and father Eli. I know it was my lack of faith to believe that He actually would be faithful. It was my fear of being let down that prohibited me from letting go. But God is opening my eyes to look all around me and see His faithfulness. I am overwhelmed to see that Eli and I do lack nothing! It was not anything we earned, but rather God's provision daily for our lives.

He has given us all we need. If we needed more we'd have it. But we lack nothing. God has given Eli Carl and other men to teach him masculinity. Who am I to say what Eli needs to become a man after God's own heart. I do not ever want to limit God to my own ideals or plans. God has surrounded me with people to give me wisdom and encouragement on how to parent Eli. Yes, I'm a single parent but I do not feel alone in this at all. God has equipped me each day with what that day will require. He is never early and never late.

I have been reading through Deuteronomy for the first time and it is fast becoming my favorite book of the bible! It is so awesome. Over and over again as the Israelites are in the wilderness God reassures them that they have all that they need. He says in Deuteronomy 2:7, "The Lord your God has blessed everything you have done and has watched your every step through this great wilderness. During these forty years, the Lord your God has been with you and provided for your every need so that you lacked nothing."

These words haven been proven true to generations and they are proving true to Eli and me. God is the same yesterday, today and forever! He never changes and never fails us.

I have changed how I pray for Eli and me now. Instead of more of a demand for a husband and father, I have laid that desire down. I now simply ask God to provide what we need- however He sees fit, in whatever way He desires. I want God's will and don't ever want to limit Him by my own human presumptions and expectations. Afterall His word says that He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine, dare to dream or hope. (Ephesians 3:20)

Letting go of this has also shown me that I can not earn God's redemption. It is a free gift. I was trying to persuade God by my actions to bring blessing. How prideful was I to think that I could manipulate or convince God by my actions, by my rightouesness. I should remain faithful to Him because He is trustworthy and because I love Him- not so I can get anything out of it. Blessings come when we worship God- but that should not be our motive to worship.

My spiritual pride blinded me and left me with a discontent and dissatisfied heart. I praise God for revealing this to me in His faithfulness. I praise Him for not allowing me to remain as I was. I praise God for not giving me what I wanted but for instead giving me what I need.

I by no means have conquered pride. I by no means have arrived at true holiness! But I am on the path and God is guiding me every step of the way. My prayer continues to be Psalm 139: 23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path to everlasting life."

God is doing this and He is able. It is not my strength or righteousness that accomplishes any of it- but rather simply being surrendered and waiting on God; letting God be God.

God is redeeming Eli and I's life. When we enter into the 'promised land,' however it might look and whenever it might be- God will be the one to get all the glory. It will not and can not be anything I earn or do.

I was deeply convicted by Deuteronomy 9:4-6, "After the Lord your God has done this for you, don't say to yourselves, 'The Lord has given us this land because we are so righteous!' It is not at all because you are such righteous, upright people that you are about to occupy their land. I will say it again: The Lord your God is not giving you this good land because you are righteous, for you are not- you are a stubborn people."

It is not my doing, not my righteousness. It is God in His faithfulness and goodness, for the honor and glory of His name, for His fame- that He choses to bless any of us with any good thing.

God alone is father and He alone is husband. That will never change no matter what Eli and I's status is on this earth- God does not and can not change! He is our provider and He is faithful. He is holding us, healing us, caring for us and carrying us. He is enough. I can confidently say, "HE IS ENOUGH FOR ME!!!"