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Saturday, December 31, 2005
Seagull Gawks
My dad gave Eli and me a jogging stroller for Christmas this year. This is such a wonderful and practical gift for us. We go on walks nearly everyday- it is a time we both look forward to. I can finally at least pretend to be a hip and cool athletic mom since I have a jogging stroller now- I can look the part now for whatever that is worth.
I am visiting friends and family for a quick trip up in Jacksonville right now. Last night I went to bed excited with anticipation. What was all the hype about you might ask? Well, I had a big date. With who you might ask? Well, here is how it all went down...
I haven't been able to walk on the beach with Eli since he was born because I never had a stroller that would push through the sand which is one of the main reasons I saw for me to get a jogger. I have missed long walks on the beach throughout this past year and a half. I am sure there are many days it could have been very beneficial to both Eli and me. The fresh salt air, the sand exfoliating our skin and leaving it soft, the seabreeze giving us great manageable hair, but there is yet a greater thing that happens when I am at the beach that I often go there seeking...
It seems as though the curtain separating myself and God is thinner when I am at the beach. He doesn't seem quite as distant. I find it much easier to let myself be still in His presence; to let Him be God and to marvel at that incomprehensible simple fact. It is easier to listen there; easier to trust.
Seeing how God is able to contain such a wildly vast and fierce ocean within set limits is such a display of His awesome might, wisdom and power which constantly reminds me that He can handle everything in my life. He is perfectly capable of being in control and keeping me in His will. He is strong and has more than what it takes. He is what it takes. He wants me to allow Him to be Lord over my life and loose my fingers from holding my script so tightly. At the beach it is easier for me to let go and let God.
So what was the excited anticipation as I went to bed last night for? It was for my date with God that was planned for this morning.
I woke up to a beautiful Florida morning. The sky was crystal blue with faint white wispy clouds sporadically decorating the vast sapphire. It was about 68 degrees outside, the sun was warm and there was a gentle ocean breeze which combined with a fleece sweatshirt made it nearly the perfect temperature.
Jacksonville beaches are big and beautiful. They are wide flat beaches that seemingly never end. The waves were calm and constant this morning lapping at the seagulls which were out in full force, often flocking around one of the many nearby shrimpin' boats grazing shockingly close to the shore.
The stroller was smooth and well equipped for the sandy terrain. We were off on our journey; the three of us.
It was a wonderful refreshing date. I will not share much of what happened during our time because I want to guard the intimacy of it. It was good and much needed. I long to return there again soon. To meet God at this place again. I know He is everywhere, that He is never limited to the beach. But just as in our human relationships we enjoy having our special 'places' we like to frequent with the one we love, I think the same is true in our relationship with God.
There are certainly places I have that are sacred to me. Places I have where I know I can go to meet God; places where His presence seems more real to me and tangible. The beach is one of those places for me, as I would imagine it is for many people. I praise God for creating beaches for us to enjoy as a way to entice us to come and commune with Him- to woe us there, to love us through, to meet us at.
This morning at the beach was Eli's first time there as a walker. After our time mobile in the stroller I let him get down and play. He was beside himself with delightful excitement running up and down the beach clapping his hands. This in itself was a gift from God coming like a refreshing and encouraging hug.
Eli would run near the seagulls and do the funniest thing: As he approached them the birds would gawk and make their screeching seagull noises. Eli would get excited and laugh at their sounds and then try to imitate them! He was actually quite a convincing little seagull. He does a great seagull imitation to my surprise. I was laughing so hard with him over this. We were having tons of fun together.
Seeing Eli enjoy himself so much at the beach this morning made me stop and realize an interesting thing: We go through life together day in and day out, he is changing so fast and learning new things every day. I often forget that he can't really talk yet. You might think that is obvious because he is still a baby and babies can't talk. But this is significant.
Eli and I communicate so much through out the day. I know him and we have a relationship that continues to grow deeper despite any conversational exchanges between us. I know him and his personality, what he likes, what excites him and what frustrates him. I know what his favorite shoes are, blue and green high-top lace-up sneakers. I know he likes order and things in their places. I know he loves me and knows that he is loved, and I know he is compassionate, caring and sensitive when others are sad. I am learning these things- but yet his vocabulary only consists of a few simple one syllable words.
This revelation opened my eyes to the intricate and influential world of non-verbal communication. I see even more now that so much really is relayed in what we don't say instead of with the words we speak. It is neat to experience this firsthand with Eli. I am thankful for this, so thankful to be learning more about who he is, yet evenmore thankful to love him more everyday, although I am sure I would love him no matter who he is simply because he is my son!
(There is a whole other blog in that statement right there. Parenting is such a glimpse into the unconditional love of God. Just as I would love Eli and be proud to call him my son no matter who he is- I see how God loves us with the same love- only exponentially and unfathomably greater.)
I am thankful for the privilege of being Eli's mom. I am thankful for all the many ways each day God uses Eli and our relationship to edify me and teach me more about His character, who He is and how He loves. This is to me the best job I could ever have in the entire world- so what if the paychecks come in a more abstract form and I never am allowed to have sick days, so what if there is no such thing as comp time, so what if there are no 401K options. I love my job and know it is the perfect job for me, something I was created to do. I am thankful to be entrusted with this task and thankful to be able to invest my time in this not so little life. What God does through me today will affect the rest of eternity. I want to use my time wisely and faithfully.
AJ's death often brings me back to the realization that life is short. We need to be faithful with all we've been given and hold nothing back out of fear, selfishness or laziness. We need to live boldly and love extravagantly. These are not times for comfort zones and boxes but instead times to break the mold and live- to shoulder up our crosses, fix our gaze on Christ- setting our faces like flint walk into the light.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Loved Through My Own Tears
I love Christmas. I love it for all the right reasons and for all of the wrong reasons too. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus, my savior and king. I love advent and all the songs inspiring us to come and adore Him who is away in a manger because of the joy He brought to all the world for the rest of time on that silent night; it was a holy night that now inspires us to celebrate this holiday! I love that Jesus is the reason for the season...
But I also love many of the things of Christmas that are part of our culture. I love Christmas lights and decorations. I wish they could adorn our homes all year long. I never complain, but instead am excited when I see the first embellishments of Christmas decking the halls even before Thanksgiving has arrived. I love Christmas music, timeless sing-a-longs known by all. I love all the delectable delicacies of Christmas: sugar cookies, peanut butter fudge, honey baked ham, only red and green M&Ms, casseroles and the list goes on and on...
I really love the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas. This is so much fun for me since I love receiving gifts but I also derive so much pleasure in giving gifts. I love to give thoughtful gifts that often took much effort on my behalf. It is a way I enjoy loving others well. Plus, hopefully these types of gifts are treasured a bit longer instead of becoming next year's clutter.
I love Christmas so much that when AJ and I were engaged and trying to pick a date for our wedding we quickly and excitedly agreed on December 22nd. We figured Christmas would be a great time for a wedding, afterall, it is the most wonderful time of the year!
Our wedding was beautiful and classy. The men in black tuxes and the maids in long black dresses carrying red roses. The church was decorated with poinsettias and garland offering up such a yuletide aroma. At the reception we all were rockin' around the Christmas tree and kisses were exchanged with every jingle of the bells, they were silver bells of course.
After the wedding we were off to honeymoon in beautiful sunny Cat Island in the Bahamas. We certainly took many walks in our warm, sandy winter wonderland together. AJ labeled our resort as 5 star camping. We both agreed it was absolutely perfect for us. The rooms had no AC so we were forced to be lulled to sleep by the sound of God keeping the ocean within its boundaries and hearing the affects of the wind against the palm trees.
Snuggled in our ocean view hammock we read the romantic classic, Fast Food Nation and decided to avoid McDonald's for the rest of our lives. (I think that lasted about a month.) We ate all our meals at set times, family style, which forced us to meet everyone staying in our 16 room resort, the biggest resort on the island. We had so much fun making friends and learning about other's lives and interests. This was so enriching to our entire experience.
We brought in the new year bohemian style with soup made from local pumpkins and fresh lobster caught hours earlier, which I loved. But, AJ, on the otherhand, who wished he was allergic to seafood- he disliked it so much, had a steak prepared soley for him. The chef only made one steak that evening and it was for my sweetheart.
We loved celebrating our first Christmas together as our new family. We had an 18 inch tree decorated with candy canes sitting on our side table and wedding gifts all over the house. We drank mugs of hot chocolate and listened to our favorite Christmas CD, light Christmas Jazz. It was such a holly jolly Christmas- filled with laughter and fun and love.
This Christmas seems to be so different this year. The M&Ms are now only blue and yellow- well not really- but if only the difference and the 'offness' of the season could be so easily explained away. But Christmas, a holiday and season which once brought so much joy and gladness to my heart, now brings pain.
In church last Sunday, during our regular time of prayer, I asked God to comfort all the lonely people in the world whose hearts are hurting during this time of year. I almost felt guilty for even praying such a prayer because it seemed too presumptuous. I thought, maybe I should have just prayed for all the hurting Christians or all the broken hearts in Orlando. But then, as I thought more, I was confident in my prayer- God can handle a huge request like that! He is not intimidated by my meager and seemingly extensive requests! He is so much huger than that. He very gently but obviously showed me that and put me back in my rightful place on Sunday.
I never understood how Christmas could be a hard season for anyone until now. It seems like during this time of year everything is magnified. When I was on the joyful end of the stick- my joy was heightened during this holiday. But now, seeing it from the other side of the fence, I realize even ever so meagerly, the need to pray for the broken hearts across the world during Christmas. How so many people are brought to such a deep despair that they couldn't possibly face it alone. God is close to the broken heart and the contrite spirit. He is close to everyone suffering in this season. My prayer is that they would sense His love and presence, that they would take comfort in that fact that they are not alone.
This truth, that I really am not alone has given me the most comfort this Christmas season thus far. Although I am surrounded by people nearly constantly, I still often feel very lonely. It is amazing how our hearts are designed in such an intricate way that makes it so hard for us to feel connected to, wanted, loved, needed and accepted. God makes it impossible to have any of this with out Him because He wants to give it to us and wants us to come to Him for it because He loves us so freakin' much!!!
I would like to think that it was AJ who gave me all this that my heart so deeply yearns for. Yes, he often was a source of this. He was such an awesome loving husband. But, in his absence I have begun to believe the lie that I could only have these blessings if I had AJ back or at least had a husband. I get angry and lose hope because I want the impossible and am discontent with the present.
This season has been the first time since AJ died that I have really began to question God. I guess it is more accurate to say, that I have allowed myself to ask God the questions that have been in my head for the past year.
I am not questioning His existence, sovereignty or authority. Not even really questioning His love since I know Christ showed me His love in an immeasurably extravagant way. But more, my questioning is if He cares or not about me personally, about my heart and my life. If He sees and can provide the comfort I need in a way my inadequate mind can conceive. It is hard to fathom how a God who loves so deeply can allow me to feel such pain and loss; can allow me to lose AJ, my husband and for Eli to lose his daddy.
I have been scared to death of questioning my God- as if He couldn't handle it or something! I have tried so hard to set my face like flint and keep my eyes on Christ having the simple faith like a child. But my innocence has been robbed and I have been allowed to experience one of the deepest losses known to man- a loss children don't experience- the death of my spouse- my best friend in the entire world. The pain comes from the ripping apart of what was made into one.
I had a huge revelation a few weeks ago: I do not need to defend God. He is the God of all creation and is never justified and never needs to be. He wants me to be real. He delights in an honest heart. He wants me to be hot or cold. He spits the lukewarm out of His mouth.
David lamented to God over and over again in the Psalms. God allowed his questions to be in the bible for a reason. I think a reason it is there is to teach us the language of lament. To show us what a person after God's own heart looks like- he is brutally honest with God, he is bold. I saw in how David related to God that it requires more faith to question God. It requires faith to realize that He can handle our disappointments and questioning, that He will still love us anyway, that He won't brush our concerns off as insignificant- but that He cares enough to listen, to listen closely and intently; that He cares enough to love, to still love us with an unfailing love.
Shortly after this revelation I read the end of Job (Chapter 42:7-17) and had my world shaken even more. In the last chapter just as God is about to restore Job He says to Job's friends who have been ridiculing Job about his lack of faith and questioning of God, who have been giving him tons religious jargon which seemed holy, devout, and impressive- but offered Job no comfort- "You haven't been honest either with me or about me- not the way my friend Job has."(vs.7) Job was honest with God and God responded by calling him His friend. Honesty obviously brought their relationship to a deeper level!
"My friend Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer. He will ask me not to treat you as you deserve for talking nonsense about me, and for not being honest with me, as he has."(vs.8) God accepts honest sincere prayer. He wants us to come as we are bearing our all unto Him, holding nothing back- being darefully honest. If that shows itself in me questioning Him then so be it. He doesn't ever expect me to have all the answers anyway- It is only He who is all-knowing! He just wants me to know Him.
My honesty with God has brought my grief to a new place and season. It has allowed His healing to penetrate into new greater depths. Depths I didn't even know existed. It is stretching my heart. It hurts and is hard- but I know it is good for me. I need to be here and I need His healing to wash over me completely. I know He has lead me to this place as I have been walking hand in hand with Him.
Last night was a particularly intense emotional night for me. But in that evening I felt the presence of God in one of the strongest and realest ways of my entire life. The curtain separating us was so thin. I have never experienced anything like this. It was some of the deepest pain and hurt I've ever felt simultaneous with some of the strongest love and comfort I've ever known.
Strangely, even in such empty loneliness I knew I was not alone. I began to sing, "Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from Heaven above with wisdom power and love, our God is an awesome God." Each time I believed this more and more- my weeping sorrow became weeping joy and excitement to have such an awesome God. A God who is not distant. A God who sees and knows and most importantly cares.
Tomorrow would have been AJ and I's 3rd wedding anniversary. Much of my grief last night was over what was lost and what could have been and what I still long for and yet do not have. In bringing this to God, He met me there by showing me that with or without a husband He is the only one who can provide the things my heart so yearns for. This is not to say that a husband does not provide love and comfort as well. But in the end only the unfailing, life giving, abundant love of God can truly and completely meet those needs in my heart. He created me and gave me those yearnings and desires because He wanted to be the one to fulfill them and bestow them unto me.
God is practical and tangible and will often use a spouse to be a source of His love- but He is not limited to that. Just because I no longer can experience AJ's love doesn't mean that my needs should be any less met and fulfilled. God stands there ready and longing to take His rightful place and be my hero.
Call me crazy- and I am always so hesitant to accept things like this (not me being crazy, but odd leadings from God)- last night, I felt like God nudged me to do one of the strangest things in my life thus far. Through all of our exchanges and embraces last night- every tear of mine was met with His gentle tender love and compassion. He was washing me with my own tears in His love.
I felt like He wanted to bless me in a tangible way as I had been asking Him to do. To make His love for me obvious so as to help me with my weak, doubting, feeble faith. In that, I believe He wanted me to get a ring for my right ring finger. With that ring He was making a covenant with me obvious and tangible- the covenant found in Isaiah 54:5, "For your Creator will be your husband. The Lord Almighty is his name! He is your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth." Whether or not I have an earthly husband or not does not alter the reality that my Creator, the Lord Almighty will be my husband- always!
I do not like to spend money on myself unless it is something I need. I would never just go out and buy myself a ring and do not even like the idea of it. Yet, I knew this was something God was tugging on my heart for me to do. It was like He was giving me permission to do this, encouraging me by saying this was His way of blessing me and loving me in a way that I could understand. He wanted to give me a reminder of His love, that whenever I doubt it I can look at my right hand and be reminded He has an extravagant love for me- that He does care! As it so rightly says in James 5:11, "God cares, cares right down to the last detail!"
Knowing in some round-a-bout way that God wanted me to have a ring because He loves me, made me feel special. In all the moments through out the day that I just felt like going away and crying I remembered the Lover of my Soul, that He IS the Lover of my Soul- that He loves me- and I remembered the gift of the ring. God's unconditional love for me is so hard to fathom and conceive. But knowing He wants to make His love for me real to me makes me feel special- that in itself makes His love real and tangible to me.
I find it no small significance that God is doing all of this in my heart the day before AJ and I's anniversary. This ring will symbolize my eternal union with my Savior. He is reminding me of this at the height of my loss of union with my husband. In the moment and day where the loss is the greatest He steps in and redeems by reminding me that He always has been and always will be my maker and my husband- one in the same. His love knows no bounds. In the pain of my un-anniversary He wants me to know this truth and not doubt it. Hence the significance of: 'why a ring and why now?'.
I went to Tiffany & Co. today. My fingers have been barren for nearly a year now- definitely lacking in luster. Today this changed. I found what to me was the perfect ring. It is subtle and simple. It is a silver band with one small diamond set inside the band. That is it. But I love it and all that it embodies to me: the covenant of love and everlasting union with my Hero.
I told the people assisting me in the store why I was buying a ring. One lady was very moved and brought me a bag she put together full of small 'Tiffany' goodies (no jewelry)- she said she wanted to do anything she could to help me- this was a huge outpouring of love and grace from a complete stranger.
I quietly and quite discretely bought the ring and hid all the 'Tiffany' evidence. I am waiting to unveil it till tomorrow which as you can tell by the time now has already become today, the 22nd. It has taken me a few hours to right all of this! I like the anticipation and excitement I feel now as I am waiting till it is time to be able to put the ring on.
I have the ring in the little turquoise box with the white bow sitting beside me on my desk now. I am waiting till I am sharing dinner with family in honor of AJ and I's marriage, to put the ring on. When AJ and I exchanged rings it was a special event we shared with ones we love and I want this ring to be the same way. My family does not even know about the ring at all. I am excited to share the story and excitement with them as I place the ring on my finger.
I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is- but I think God is making this a big deal because I am a 'big deal' to Him- I matter and He wants me to know it. Just like you, reading these words, matters and He wants you to know it too!
All praise be to the God of all creation, the God of love and peace, the Comforter!
Friday, December 16, 2005
This World Has Nothing For Me
That phrase is much easier to say than to believe and live by, especially when you are out holiday shopping and are bombarded with hundreds of advertisements and appealing items which all beckon at a deafening level, "You need me!"
Ahhhh....make it stop!!!!
I met my good friend today, Katie M (www.mcdonnellplace.com) who I have mentioned before. We both have children so we can understand the druthers of strollers and children mixed with shopping lists and crowded places.
Our main destination today was the mall. We met promptly at 10am outside of Barnes and Noble to begin our journey into the Christmas Black Hole of materialism. Everywhere I turned I saw items that caught my eye- they were special and seemed like the perfect thing to complete my wardrobe and fill the void in my life and bring everlasting satisfaction.
HA!!!!!!
That is at least how it made me feel when I saw all these great things displayed on mannequins and in the windows that I suddenly wanted and found it hard to imagine I ever was able to live with out!
I resisted the temptation glaring in my eyes by trying to convince myself that this world has nothing for me, that true satisfaction and joy can only be found through a personal relationship with Christ- but as my mind is filled with wants and my eyes are clouded with materialism it becomes so hard to understand and even conceive this reality.
The phrase, 'this world has nothing for me' was first pounded into my head by my good friend Jenny K. She recently told me a story about how whenever she goes shopping she has to remind herself of this truth to keep her from feeling disappointed when she can't buy all the 'perfect' items she sees as she is out shopping. I can easily find myself in the same trap and realized that I too need to be on my guard.
After leaving the mall the beauty of the world flaunted itself once again before me. I drove down to one of my favorite parts of town, Park Avenue. It is a long very ritzy chic street lined with boutiques and nice restaurants all located in a very 'nice' part of town. I love being down there partly because it makes me feel important. Walking the beautiful street of Park Avenue today was no exception.
I had my hip and cool jeans on with the green stitching on the pockets, a fun sassy green belt, a cute white top, a fun maroon jacket and all the appropriate accessories. I looked the part and even walked the walk with my sunglasses on and my hair blowing in the cool Florida almost-like-winter wind, all the while I was pushing my impeccably dressed little boy in his Chicco stroller with his madras shorts on and a black turtle neck.
I was feeling quite glad to be me at that moment. All was well. I had Park Avenue and the wind. The beautiful sound of Christmas- you know beeps from registers, laughter from shoppers, music from the radios- it was wonderful. But as this was all so attractive and fulfilling to me this afternoon I realized again that this world has nothing for me.
This is experience is not what my success should be based on or how I should measure my worth and value. Just because I shop on Park Avenue and am blessed with a decent outfit- or many decent outfits- doesn't make me any more lovable and loved by God than the drunk I passed talking to an empty car with a beer in his hand, scraggly and quite pathetic looking.
The only thing separating me from the homeless drunk is the grace of God- that God has so graciously protected me from such a life and blessed me with many other good things. I did not earn any of this and God showed me that in a powerful way this afternoon. He showed me His goodness to me in how He has blessed me with many good things, He showed me His grace by how He has spared me from other things, and He showed me His discipline and love by how He was humbling me and showing me yet again that apart from Him I have nothing and can do nothing.
Life and joy are free gifts from the Lover of our souls- this world has nothing for me and can NEVER give life or joy. It flaunts things masking them with the names of 'life' and 'joy' but in the end, will always end in death if the spirit of God is not in it.
I once heard temptation equated with fishing. There is this beautiful appealing piece of bait that make our mouth water and are hearts turn with desire. We think, just one bite...just a taste...but little do we know that in that one simple innocent bite there was a hook hiding just beneath the surface and we are snagged.
Praise God for His grace- that He is in the business of gently and graciously removing hooks!
Happy shopping- this is in no way an attempt to get you to stop shopping and buying things. I am just trying to get you thinking- to toss an idea around a bit. Generosity is so good. God is in the business of gift giving- afterall every good and perfect gift comes from Him! God blesses us with finances and doesn't want us to just bury them and never see His goodness in the land of the living.
There is a difference in being controlled by materialism- feeling like you 'have' to buy things and simply buying things you need or making purchases in moderation. Shop according to the grace and peace God has given you.
I always pray before I shop for 'shopping favor' which can be shown in many ways. It is given by finding great bargains, by finding the specific item I was looking for easily, or by having wisdom with my finances to purchase things I at least sort of need instead of just want. God often answers this prayer in a clear tangible way.
Enjoy this wonderful season...It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Something to :) about
Lamentations 3:19-33 (Message)
"I'll never forget, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all- oh, how well I remember- the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst.
Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return."
Stormie Omartian said, "If God wants you in the place you are right now, then there are no greener pastures." If we are walking with God then where ever He has us is the best place we could be and anything else would leave us lacking.
To often we are of the mindset of, if only this could be different or this situation could change or things could be as they once were or as we think they should be- then we'd be happier and life would be better, richer, easier and more fulfilling. But in God's will, in walking a submitted life to His loving leadings, the greatest fulfillment we will ever have is when we are in God's perfect and pleasing will. His will is always perfect and pleasing to Him- whether we can see the perfections or whether it pleases us or not!
If He has lead you between a rock and a hard place- be thankful that He is your rock and that He has you right where He wants you- in His hands; a place where He can take your heart of stone and make it soft like clay so He can form you and perfect you into all that He has desired for you to be. It is in the perfecting that His blessing flows. It is through the perfecting that His beauty shows.
Perfecting is hard and usually quite uncomfortable. Athletes train by pushing their muscles to the limits which breaks the muscle down so it can be built up even stronger. Gold must be put into the fire so all of the impurities can be exposed and removed. We must experience His stripping away in our hearts of all that is of this world and our flesh; a purging of our sin- everything that inhibits His perfect and pleasing will from being accomplished in and through and despite our lives.
Although it is true that His kindness leads us to repentance, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fear is more a word used here to describe holy reverence; respect. Respect for God is a great place to start for wisdom. Respect flows from a rightful knowledge of God's greatness and authority and control; a knowledge that He is God and that I am a mere passing grain of sand in the light of His presence. A realization that He is in control and sovereign and can do whatever He pleases; hence His perfect and pleasing will.
There is comfort in knowing He is a God of love who wants good things for us; that He does redeem our pain and loss and brokenness. That He is a fierce God. A God who loves us with a fierce and jealous love. A God who wants to be our I AM, our all, our everything and our First Love- our greatest love.
He wants our love so much that He will grieve with us because He knows that it is drawing us into a deeper more intimate fellowship with Him- He allows us to enter into the fellowship of sharing His sufferings. He teaches us the lost language of lament and lets us go there with Him because He knows it will bring greater intimacy and deeper, richer fellowship.
Let me be certain to say that God does not NEED our love- He DESIRES our love simply because He loves us so much. He is NOT justified or validated by our love in anyway. He is still the God of all creation whether we love Him or acknowledge Him or not. His position and authority is irrevocable. He is a God of love and it is out of His passionate jealous love for us that He desires us to know Him and love Him and know His love. And through that knowing... to know His abounding goodness.
So He perfects us and strips us away all to this goal: to bless us with more of Him. In Him is every good and perfect gift. In Him is the purest satisfaction, the deepest contentment, the truest joy. It is odd that so often we experience joy to the degree to which we have allowed ourselves to experience pain. One depth precedes the other and they compliment each other.
I believe that experiencing true pain stretches your heart and increases your capacity to likewise experience true joy. Maybe it is that as you walk with God through the pain and in the depths- hitting rock bottom- you see that He is your source, your only source of joy, your never ending abundant source! You see that God's loyal love couldn't ever run out, that His merciful love couldn't ever dry up. His love and mercy are created new every morning. You know even a morsel of how great His faithfulness is! You see that the strength to smile comes solely from Him.
Every smile this past year for me has been from my heart; has been genuine. I know people might accuse me of being too optimistic with my head up in the clouds of idealism and religiosity. But every smile and all my joy is spurred from a heart that is incubated with the Father's love and mercy.
He is my reason to smile. He has given me the strength each day, the love and mercy I need every morning, to get out of bed and even want to honor Him; to want to try to walk by faith; to even attempt to look for His cup of goodness in my life; to smile.
So, I am sticking with God. I do say it over and over. He's all I've got left- He's all I've ever really had. He's the only guarantee in this life. He will never leave us or forsake us- and He is the only one who can make such a promise and be able to keep it. He will always be faithful to keep this promise.
My Master; God; Lover; Father; and Friend will NEVER walk out and fail to return! His loving kindness will never end. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose because He IS good, He is God, and He is wild with love for us- passionate in His pursuit of us. This is the God I love: The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob; the God of Moses, Isaiah, and David; the God of Paul, Peter and Timothy; the God of AJ, Kellie and Eli Jones Buffington.
"Now listen, daughter, don't miss a word: forget your country (a.k.a. greener pastures), put your home (a.k.a. temporaryrary things of the world you thought gave you comfort) behind you. Be Here- the King is wild for you. Since He's your Lord, adore Him. So I answered, "I'm coming. I read in your letter what you wrote about me and I'm coming to the party your throwing for me." That's when God's word entered my life, became part of my very being." (Psalm 45:10-11; 40:7-8)
Monday, December 12, 2005
My mother on her wedding day, December 10, 2005. (For more pictures, click on the photos link to the left.)
My mom, sister and I celebrating her new marriage.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Winnebago
Wedding bells are ringing- my mother was married, yesterday, Saturday morning. It was such a beautiful wedding and way to begin what I know will be a beautiful and blessed marriage; a continuation of how there relationship has been together. I am so thankful to see how much God has blessed my mother and Richard, her new husband. They are a match made in heaven, literally.
It was a busy, full weekend, filled with family and wedding bliss. I feel like I haven't stopped going for the past four days. But it has all been so worth it. The exhaustion I feel now is one that is satisfying, knowing that things like this only happen once in a lifetime- or I guess twice for some of us. But none the less it is special and a time to be shared with all those we love.
After the wedding the newlyweds were off to Italy for their honeymoon. All of my relatives and I packed up all the left over food from the reception and then went to my Aunt's house to enjoy eating it together. Then it was time to drive back home to Orlando- with everyone.
We all met at my sister's house here in Orlando and played the movie game, Scene It, until midnight. I fell asleep as some point during the movie madness finally succumbing to my tired state. I peeled myself off the floor and my cousin, Michele and I were off into the cold air to drive home to my house for the night.
On our drive we saw a Winnebago. While it is not odd to see a Winnebago in a town like Orlando, the tourist capitol of the world, I found it quite odd and remarkably funny to see this Winnebago at this particular moment.
Keep in mind it was past midnight and we were far from any major highways. Who drives a Winnebago around town in the middle of the night?!? In addition it was brand sparklin' new! I didn't even think they made Winnebago's anymore- but the obviously must.
I was cracking up at the absurdity of the whole situation. Partly because I know I was tired to the point of delirium, but also because it was just plain flat funny to see a Winnebago and to experience the sheer delight of being able the say the word, "Winnebago."
Which brings me to my next point. That is a hilarious word. Think about it, "Winnebago." I think that would be the funniest name for a dog and if I ever have a dog- and a husband sharing the same humor- I'd love to name it Winnebago. I could even call it 'Winnie' for short.(Even if it wasn't a short dog.)
I think I would laugh so hard if I had a dog named Winnebago. Imagine the scenario, you're strolling on a beautiful day through the park with your dog, you stumble on a stick and thank God for putting a wonderful toy right in your path. You pick up the stick and throw it as hard as you can. Then you get to yell, "Fetch Winnebago!" and all must be well during that moment. Sigh.......
Thursday, December 01, 2005
AJ's Song
In one of my previous posts I was mentioning how the anniversary of AJ's death was for me. In doing that, I mentioned briefly my gift to AJ and said I would elaborate more on a later date. Well, the later date is here and I'm ready to elaborate.
A few months ago I quite strongly began to feel led to write a song for AJ. This is something I had never attempted before. For some reason the thought has always terrified me. I think mainly because I knew that anything I could ever write would be insufficient and not come close to expressing what I was really feeling. Nothing could ever say it all.
But none the less I knew this was something I needed to do and needed to trust God in. So I began the process by praying that God would direct my heart throughout this entire process. I wanted this to serve every purpose He intended it to serve.
For the first month, I stayed quiet with the Lord and wrote down various thoughts that could become potential lyrics to the song. This often was very emotional as I tried to describe AJ and our love and the gift of his life. As I replayed memories in my mind the joy of each moment came flooding in- and with the joy came the pain of the loss.
I cried during this whole process. I cried a lot. Sometimes they were intense tears and other times gentle tears of gratefulness for what I had and what a precious gift being AJ's wife was. Through all the tears I constantly cried out to God to touch these deep exposed broken places in my heart. As the wounds were open and fresh I wanted His healing balm to penetrate into every part of me and bring wholeness again; healing hope and comfort that only He can give.
Once I had a general idea of what I wanted the song to say, I began trying to fit those thoughts to music. This process gave the words a much finer tuning because I had to fit them together in a way that would also coincide with the rhythm and the melody.
The song changed a lot throughout the process. Often when I write songs I am surprised by the outcome. They rarely end up how I imagined they would be as I began them. This song was possibly the most obvious example of this to me. But I praise God in that, because as I look through the process I can see Him directing it and shaping it, taking it beyond what I could conceive and making it what He wanted it to be.
Once I finished writing the song, I began recording it. I put it with a slideshow I made of pictures of AJ and I's time together. This is what I showed on his memorial evening.
I have watched the slideshow with the song probably 1000 times. For the first few weeks, once it was completed, I'd stay up late into the night and click play and as soon as it would end I'd click play again. This went on and on and I'd cry and cry. It was a very intense season of grief for me.
But although it was intense there was still such a reason to praise God through out it. I knew this was something He was walking me through. He led me to this place and I could feel His hand helping me through each step of this process. I could feel him holding me as I wept. I knew that he was grateful to be able to give me the healing He longed to provide.
I believe that with such a deep hurt the healing takes so much time because there are layers of healing needed. As one layer of hurt is stripped away and healing and redemption and light enters in, soon, another layer is exposed and I must chose to face it and bring it to God as well.
It is in the times of pain that God's healing can come and restore and bring comfort. But it is a process we must walk together. God can desire to heal and comfort all He wants but He won't be able to do this in my heart if I don't allow Him to enter into those places I need Him the most; if I don't go there with Him. He wants to go there with me. He wants to walk through this together. This is knowing the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.
This season of intense grief has lifted for now. I am not sure what is to come- but I am thankful for the healing I know I have had over this past year. Without Christ I would have been much to broken to go on. I praise God for the gift of laughter, the gift of joy, the gift of hope and the gift of His peace which passes all understanding. I stand here before you know telling you that His grace really IS sufficient. I am living proof of His sufficient grace.
Here are the lyrics to the song appropriately titled, AJ's Song:
Abundant life filled with joy
Abundant life filled with hope
Strong with raised hands, tallest on your knees
Each moment with you a gift undeserved
You were a man after God's own heart
Delight overflowed in your eyes
Delight overflowed in your smile
Delight overflowed in your arms
You helped me fly to Adonai
Smiling with love in your eyes
You lifted me up
Showed me true life
Gave me strength
With you, my love, I was home
To have and to hold till death do us part
Once closer than breath now worlds apart
There were too many dreams yet to be dreamed
Too many laughs made silent
As time fades to memories now silent we stand
You now fly to Adonai
Smiling with love in His eyes
He's lifted you up
Showed you true life
Given new strength
Well done, He says, welcome home
Welcome Home
Fly to Adonai
Healer, Redeemer, Giver of Life
Lover, Savior, Prince of Peace
