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Monday, October 31, 2005
Milestone
I hardly know what to write today but I felt the need to at least post something. There is about a million things I could say about this past year, about AJ, about life, about God's truly sufficient grace. Soon, I hope to collect my thoughts on this past year but I want to get through this significant day first.
Today is the first anniversary of my beloved husband AJ's glorious renewal from this fallen world into the extravagant communion with all the saints that have gone before us... even more, with the creator of the universe, our Lord the giver of TRUE LIFE, Jesus Christ, Abba.
From my perspective, as I sit here in my chair on this earth- little about AJ's death was glorious. But if I imagine what AJ's experienced that night- what a glorious event it must have been. The glory he beheld at 6:48 pm a year ago today was I'm sure all-surpassing! He went from enjoying time driving and singing with me, us both being silly together, with his pride and joy- his son, Eli, happily in the back seat. Life was perfect- I wouldn't have changed a thing! To the next instant...in the blink of an eye- He is standing before the throne of God. Except, I imagine standing was the last thing he could do. He was probably flat on his face, bowed down in worship in the beauty of His holiness.
Realizing that from the eternal perspective- while yes, life on this earth often sucks and is hard and does not feel good- LIFE IS SHORT! While weeping last for the night...joy will come. AJ is not bound to our limits of time anymore. To him, he turns around and all of us are joining with him in heaven worshipping our God together- feasting at the banqueting table- truly fulfilling our destinies. That is how I respond to the question of how can heaven be a happy place if AJ knows that we are in such writhing pain here on earth with out him. How can it be paradise if he won't ever be able to see his son take his first steps or go to kindergarten or graduate highschool or play little league or get married?
He must get to partake in these events in some way that I can't understand. But I know heaven is all joy and no pain. But imagine seeing our grief from eternity. AJ can see how many ways God is redeeming this whole situation. He knows the end of the story- God wins, death is defeated and we WILL break bread together- SOON!!! He must see how we are all shining like stars in the midst of such loss; how we are literally clinging to the Hand of our Comforter so tightly that our nuckles are white. He is part of the cloud of witnesses now- cheering us on and I bet that gives him a great satisfying joy!
We have made it through a huge year. An awful year. A redeemed year. A year that was pierced with hope.
I received an email today from Gary Haugen the director of the International Justice Mission (www.ijm.org). He put this well, "As the Apostle Paul suggested, we pray that we may be those who are saved from grieving without hope."
Hope that I know I will be with AJ again has put balm onto my severed heart.
How did I get through this past year? One day at a time... walking in my Father's daily sufficient grace. How will I continue to grieve and live out these times that lay before me? One day at a time... walking in my Father's daily sufficient grace.
Thank you for your prayers through this difficult season. I can physically feel His presence lifting me up and His grace washing over me- not a nice peaceful stream with a gentle trickle- but more like a rushing waterfall- fierce and intentional- but oh so refreshing and exhilarating. That's the grace in which I want to continue to daily dwell emersed in.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I added more pictures on our photos page- click the photos link on the left side of the page and check them out.
Eli and I had some fun pictures taken by our good friend and photographer Katie- (www.mcdonnellplace.com) Thanks for this special gift Katie!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Dear Jesus
Eli is making huge developmental progress. He has reached a stage where things are really clicking in his intricate mind. He learns new things everyday- which is an answer to a prayer I routinely pray over him.
This morning Eli and I fought Orlando rush hour traffic for nearly an hour as we headed into downtown to go the Arnold Palmer Hospital for another evaluation with Eli's occupational therapist, Julie. As you might recall she recommended Eli to have therapy once a week upon his first evaluation with her a few months ago. When she was with him about 5 weeks ago, she was so pleased with his progress that she changed her recommendation to monthly visits to closely monitor Eli's development.
Today, was our first 4-week evaluation. She gave him the same standardized test that she did with him on our first visit. To both of our delight, Eli passed the test with flying colors! And he even did throw the crayons and make flying colors at one point- crazy guy.
She is going to score up his test, but her initial reaction is that he is right where he should be developmentally. He did everything that she asked him to do. I was so blessed to watch him show off his new abilities. Everytime he accomplished a task he would excitedly clap and squeal in unison with our praises for his good work.
At the end of the visit she said it was my decision as to whether I ever came to see her again. I recommended doing another evaluation in 6 months which she agreed to but didn't even seem to think that it was necessary. None the less, for at least my own peace of mind we will visit her again in 6 months. I want Eli to have all that he needs!
I praise God for this wonderful report today. I know that when God heals He does a complete healing- this is something I continue to believe Him for. I am so thankful to learn from the therapist ways I can help encourage Eli's development- I know that is something that has proved very beneficial. God is so good. I praise Him for the beautiful mind He has given my Mr. Eli Jones.
Eli's newest skill is the most heart-melting skill he has learned so far. He puts his hands together and sweetly says, "Ear Esuh," which translated is 'Dear Jesus'. It is the sweetest thing I think my ears have ever been so blessed to hear. To hear an infant call out to His savior is incomparably precious.
One thing I must note, that is beautifully significant, is that Jesus is the first person Eli has ever addressed. He has not ever called me 'momma' or Barb 'mia' or anyone else for that matter. The first person he called by name was the Lover of His Soul. I praise God for giving Eli a heart that already is attuned to Him and that already calls out to Him! I pray this only increases as Eli grows.
May these words continue to pour out from his mouth; from the depths of his heart. May they ever increase in there meaning and power and significance to Eli. May they bring the comfort of knowing the presence of the Prince of Peace is near.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Heart-Shattered Life Ready for Love
A few weeks ago I had a life changing encounter with the creator of the universe. I was attending church with someone dear to me whom I was visiting. For weeks prior to this day I had been stressing the need for something in my life to change. I didn't want things to remain the same way that they had been any longer.
I didn't know what that change would be or how it would look or where it would come from. I just knew that I wanted a change to occur.
I walked into the doors of the church a few minutes late with little anticipation of what was about to take place in my life.
The sermon was on a familiar passage in Revelation 2:4-5, "But I have this complaint against you. You don't love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first."
In the verses preceding these words God points out many good things these people have done and how hard they have worked and served Him. Following this passage He again points out good things they have done that have pleased Him. What is so convicting about this passage is that it is clearly directed towards veteran Christians. People who have been walking with the Lord and have a deep relationship with Him. People who serve Him and have laid down their lives and own ambitions to please Him.
But yet, that is not what God desired most from His people; His servants; His beloved. He desired them- He desired their love and affections. It grieved Him that they did not love Him with all their heart, soul and strength. Their acts of service and efforts were good, yes, but God desired them- He longed to hold their hearts in the palm of His hands.
Psalm 40:6, "Doing something for you, bringing something to you- that's not what you're after. Being religious, acting pious- that's not what you're asking for. You've opened my ears so I can listen."
Psalm 51:16-17, "Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."
Hosea 6:6, "I'm after love that lasts, not more religion. I want you to know God, not go to more prayer meetings." (The Message Bible)
During the sermon on this passage the preacher pointed out that these people were walking shoulder to shoulder with God. It is great to be walking next to God, shoulder to shoulder, by His side. But God longs for more. He wants us to be face to face with Him. He wants His captivating gaze to penetrate deep into our souls. He desires the intimacy of looking into one another's eyes.
We are often so content to be shoulder to shoulder with Christ. It is a comfortable place to be and it feels good. We are near to Him and have the benefits of being in His presence and walking with him. But there is so much more that could be ours. There is a greater love and intimacy He longs to share with us.
I was so convicted by this revelation and truth. I saw how complacent, comfortable, and content I had become in my safe position shoulder to shoulder with Christ. I realized that the rush of looking into His eyes had evaded me. I hadn't felt that for some time now and hadn't even missed it or yearned for it which broke my heart even more. I saw a huge void in my life. I recognized the needed for a renewed passion, romance, and excitement with my Savior and Creator.
I longed to be face to face with Him; to embrace Him with all the love I had in me and still ask Him for more. The words of the Shema were resounding in my mind: Deuteronomy 6:5, "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all you soul, and all your strength."
I don't know what it is I am so afraid of. I do not know why I do not constantly and immediately gaze into the eyes of the Prince of Peace. Is it that He might actually see the true me? Well, He sees that anyway whether I show it to Him or not. He knows me better than I even know me.
Am I afraid that I will actually be transformed from beholding His beautiful majesty? Do I fear how that would require me to let go of pleasures this world gives me in exchange for the eternal treasures that come from knowing Him? Why am I so attached to my comfort zone that I limit myself to living in a box when it is God who has set eternity in my heart?!?
I wonder if the greatest thing I fear that holds me back from the intimate position with the Lord my God is the fear that He would actually be there looking back into my face and gazing deep into my eyes. Could I handle His penetrating stare? Could I behold such a love that would be shown for me in the beauty of His holiness? Would I melt like wax and be brought to my knees by such a great and fierce love?
In Brennan Manning's book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, on page 212-213 he says, "Love has its own exigencies. It weighs and counts nothing but expects everything. Perhaps that explains our reluctance to risk. We know only too well that the gospel of grace is an irresistible call to love the same way. No wonder so many of us elect to surrender our souls to rules rather than to living in union with Love."
All of these thoughts were racing through my mind as the preacher continued on with his sermon. As he was wrapping up to transition into communion he was inviting us to fall in love with our God all over again by saying that often you do fall in love over a meal; through sharing meals together. Communion is a meal that we share together with Christ; a place where we can fall deeper in love with Him. This got me so fired up to meet with God at His banqueting table.
This particular Sunday we were sitting in the 2nd row with no one in front of us which meant that we were the first to partake of the bread and wine; the body and blood. Afterwards, I returned to my seat and closed my eyes and opened my heart to my Father. As I did this I saw a beautiful vision in my mind's eye.
It was all in real time, AJ was still dead and Eli was still alive, but somehow they were together for this brief moment and it made sense. What I saw was Eli, a toddler, running as fast as his little legs could take him towards his daddy. AJ was standing there with his arms outstretched and his huge delightful grin overtaking his face. They were both so excited and overjoyed to be in each other's presence. Their embrace was indescribable. AJ scooped Eli up into his arms and hugged him so tight. They both lavished their love on each other with every ounce of strength and energy that they possessed.
After seeing the beautiful brief reunion of AJ and Eli, God showed me the same things taking place with other children and their fathers. Each one so intimate. Each one as intensely joyful and loving as AJ and Eli's reunion.
Then here's when it really got me the most. God showed me the same reunion only this time I was the little girl and He was the father. He scooped me up in His arms and hugged me so tight. We lavished our love on each other. It was so sweet and intimate and even a bit playful. I was in His lap and tickled Him behind His ears and made Him laugh. I laid my head on His shoulder and He pulled me closer. It felt so good there. It was the definition of perfect peace. I never wanted to leave.
Meanwhile, around me there is a church service going on and a steady stream of people walking past me to receive communion. But I didn't notice or care. I was so enveloped in time with the Lover of my Soul. I was boohooing like a madwoman. Sobbing with tears streaming down my face- making sniffing noises and all. To onlookers I must have been a sight to behold!
As all this was happening inside me it was like God ripped off a veil that was covering my ears. Suddenly, all I could here was the communion servants repeating, "The body of Christ broken for you." This was a constant droning pounding into my heart. All this, after the experience I had just had with my heavenly Father.
"The body of Christ broken for you."
"The body of Christ broken for you."
"The body of Christ broken for you."
Over and over I heard this and each time it became more meaningful and grew in intensity. It was overwhelming. I was understanding in a greater way how deep the love of Christ is. That His body was broken for ME all so that I could share in that intimate reunion with my Father!
Then fear began to creep in. I was begging God to change me to forgive me for forsaking my first love. I begged Him to really transform me. I realized this was the change I had been searching for over these past weeks. This was what I needed. I had been saying something MUST change in my life- and this is what it MUST be. I wanted to fall more madly in love with my Savior. I desperately NEEDED to fall more madly in love with my Savior.
I begged God not to let me return to the way that I had previously been. I didn't want to go through this whole experience with Him and not be moved and not be changed. I didn't want to walk out of the church doors and have everything go back to how it had been between my God and myself. I committed to loving Him- to really loving Him and seeking Him with all my heart, soul and strength- to being His; face to face.
"Abba, I run into your loving embrace. I gaze into your eyes and behold the love and beauty there. I am captivated. Speechless...................................."
Thursday, October 20, 2005
I have a dog?!?
Barb and Carl were out of town this week which left me here to hold down the fort. Eli was the man of the house and Morgan had the important task of being the guard of the house.
Morgan is our dog. Well, he is Barb and Carl's dog, and now, my dog by association.
I have never been a 'dog' person or really even an animal person for that matter. I was chased by big scary dogs many times as I would walk to my bus stop for school. I don't know what it is about me that invites a dog to chase me. I heard that dogs can smell fear, so maybe they are trying to chase the fear they smell in me.
Morgan is a big Golden Retriever. He is a very gentle sweet dog. He would hardly hurt a fly. When a stranger comes to the house at night he runs under the bed. He does not even seem to realize he is a dog but instead expects to be treated as a human. When he sees other dogs he does not bark- I think because he does not see the need to bark since in his mind he is not like the furry creature talking to him.
When AJ and I first began our relationship and we'd come visit his parents they knew how uncomfortable I was around dogs so they'd put Morgan up in the bedroom. I was afraid of Morgan- a harmless creature. As I was taking care of Morgan this week I realized I have come such a long way in my doggy affections.
Morgan and I's relationship, which was more of a toleration, is beginning to grow into a mutual admiration. We had a good time together this week. We went on fun walks which always started out as Morgan taking me on a run and ended with me taking him on a walk.
Eli loved having Morgan along with us on our walks. Morgan's leash is short so when he was walking with Eli and me he was just close enough to the stroller that his tail brushed up against Eli's toes. This made Eli giggle and giggle. Eli had so much fun watching Morgan explore the great outdoors.
I felt a bit like supermom walking a dog and pushing a baby in a stroller. It was fun to wave at people as they passed by who admired my prized possessions.
So, yes, Morgan is perhaps the coolest dog in the whole world. I am not ready to have his picture made into a license plate with his name airbrushed on the front. But he can snuggle up on the couch next to me and watch TV and it is just fine with me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Getting Closer
During the sermon on Sunday the preacher said something so profound. It was a simple revelation that meant a lot to me. He said, "We often want to think of God as the Preventer- but it is more accurate to see Him instead as the Redeemer." I found that comforting. While yes, He can and does prevent- He more often seems to redeem instead.
These words gave me some small revelation about the accident. I wish God would have prevented everything that happened nearly a year ago- I know He could have! I can't ever understand why He didn't- but I can be assured that He will and is redeeming it. He has promised to do so- to work ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know I love Him and want that love to grow stronger every day.
I miss AJ like crazy. I have gone through so many stages with seeing pictures of him. Sometimes I want his face all over the room. I want to see him all the time- other seasons I can hardly bear to look at them and I put the pictures away in my drawer. I am in a season again of wanting to look at him a lot- to see his face, his smile and his life.
Gosh, I miss him. Oh what I'd do to just squeeze him. Those of you who are married
know how it is to just be able to squeeze your husband- to feel him in your arms and feel the safety and comfort there. Yeah, I miss that along with everything else about him.
While the grief is still very real and strong. While the missing AJ is still prevalent. I feel as though I have turned a corner as well. It is so odd and even caught me off guard. I feel like I am doing better than I have been all year. I am getting excited about life and becoming happy again, truly happy. Smiles are more intense. Laughter is more liberating and invigorating.
I feel content, truly content for the first time since AJ died. I am almost scared to admit being content because I know that whenever I become content God changes something. For example, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. It seemed as though all my friends around me were having babies. I begged God to bless AJ and I with a bundle of joy too. It became all I could think about and pray about. I was becoming unsatisfied with my life. But God waited for me... when I truly gave it up and gave it to Him and trusted God with it I then became content with the life He had given me. I stopped trying to change His mind and do things the way I thought was best. Once I had released it and began living my life again- satisfied and content with Him and all He had given me, then He allowed us to get pregnant.
It has happened over and over like this in my life with big and little things. When all I wanted was a bigger house, God waited on me. I finally became truly content with the house God had given us and saw it as a huge blessing and gift. I realized I wasn't even entitled to a trash can! God then moved us to DC and our house was twice the size. But it didn't have the same effect on me that it would have had- had I received it on my terms. I had learned that a house brought no joy- but God and the life inside the house is what brings fulfillment.
God has never moved in my life on my timing or when I thought it was best. This is clearly showing me that I have no clue about good, better, best. God is sovereign and has a perfect way of working things together for the best. When I give up, stop striving, and am content with His ways, I realize again that He is really all I need. It is only after that change in my heart that He releases me to that next season of glory. I know when it seems as though I am waiting on God it more often is Him waiting on me.
Contentment is a bit allusive- it is impossible to force ourselves to be content or to fake contentment. I can't just say, "OK God, I'm content so now I'm ready for what you have for me." God can't be manipulated- I've tried it and it doesn't work darn it. But seriously- His ways are perfect. He is never early and never late. He knows us better then we even know ourselves. I am so glad and CONTENT to know that He is in control. I am glad to know that He has me hemmed into His will and that in His love He withholds from me the things that I want and instead gives me what I really need.
I am reading a really good book right now. It's a simple, quick read- by Stormie Omartin. It is one of her newer books, titled: JUST ENOUGH LIGHT FOR THE STEP I'M ON. I am finding it encouraging and enlightening- pun intended. She is basically reminding me over and over that God is all I need; that He has got me right where He wants me.
My favorite quote from what I have read from the book thus far is: "The unknown is not so frightening when we realize that our all-knowing God is in it." I find this so comforting to me because God is in control and His grace is perfectly sufficient. He has given me all I need and never left me lacking. If I needed more- He'd have given it to me. Whatever the 'it' is that I think I need for the month - if I really needed it then God would provide it. He is the supplier of all our needs according to His riches and glory.
He is able to do more than what we could ever ask or imagine; dream or dare to hope for. I know I often limit God by desiring small things when He really wants to open the floodgates of heaven and rain down blessings over me. Sometimes what we see as God saying 'No' is really Him saying- 'Wait, I want to give you more. I won't let you settle- I love you too much!' This truth is liberating when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
I clearly have just enough light for the step I'm on. I do not know what is next for me or what God is about to do. He might be all knowing- but He is always surprising me and showing me how little I know! Praise God we walk by faith and not by sight or I'd be a mess and totally lost and confused. I find such peace and rest in trusting Him with my life and to order my steps. I know He loves me and wants to prosper me; to give me hope and a future. I find contentment and rest knowing that He is in control and all I have to do is hold onto Him.
I know I am safe in His arms; close to His heart. I know He's got me and He won't ever let me go. When I feel lost or anxious it is always when I step away by putting confidence in my own plans and wisdom instead of God. But He is always there reaching out His hand to hold me close and guide my feeble walk.
I want to be closer to Him. I know that even the desire to desire Him is a gift to ask God for, one that He freely gives. I want to want Him more. I continue to echo that prayer. I want to truly walk face to face with Him; not ever being content with being shoulder to shoulder- but an intimate walk with my eyes gazing deep into the eyes of my Savior; my Prince; the Lover of my Soul.
As the anniversary of the time AJ really began LIVING approaches, I do find it hard to believe it has nearly been a year since AJ's passing. This past year has been so out of time for me. In some ways I feel like I saw AJ yesterday- thankfully some memories are still that vivid; in other ways I feel like it was a lifetime ago- years- since I have seen him. In a lot of ways it was a lifetime ago because my life was so different with him- very little is reminiscent of how things were when AJ was still here on this earth.
When I was talking to a good friend the other day (God has blessed me with such a wonderful group of friends- but that it a whole other blog) I was realizing how it could feel like the past year was a week long and a decade long all at the same time. I think it's when I think of AJ and the life we shared that I remember him clearly. The memories are so real and so close to my heart. They are still fresh. It is then that I feel like it has only been a week; like AJ was just here with us.
But, when I think about the accident and the month of November '04, that seems like eons ago. I remember the long tear filled days in the hospital; the smell of the flowers and snot filled kleenex all over the hospital room; the feeling of being hugged by fellow sobbers almost continuously through out the days; that initial sharp pain of having my husband ripped away. Thankfully that intense time seems more distant now as through time God has been able to begin radically healing my heart. Any healing God provides must be radical to suffice for such a radical loss.
All I know is that this past year seems to have been completely out of the constraints of time. I have had this year anniversary as a milestone marker in my mind. I am hopeful that no year is as hard as the first year of suffering grief. As I have been walking through this year of firsts with out AJ, I know that each year it will hopefully become a little easier, the pain a little less.
I look at the one year mark with a sense of accomplishment. I know I have done nothing on my own accord- but my faith has grown in leaps and bounds by truly knowing that God's grace is ALWAYS sufficient. To know that He is enough for me and that He has carried me this far and that He will continue to carry me...
It will be hard to approach the day of October 31 and understand that AJ has been away from this earth for a whole year. I am not going to deny that. I will be sad- I know it will be a very emotional time. But I think next to that will be a small bit of encouragement as I embark on the next year- knowing by God's grace I made it this far and in confidence in Him- I will continue to walk.
God's plan is ALWAYS exciting. God is ALWAYS good.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Last Weeks Top Two
One of my best friends, Katie, is an avid blogger. You should check out her site: www.mcdonnellplace.com it is so much fun to read. She is a Wheaton College grad who focused on writing. Recently she posted a blog about the 2 craziest things that happened over her weekend. I liked that idea so much that now I am copying it- (thanks Katie).
1. As you have probably noticed by the recent pictures, Eli has gotten his hair cut. I am talking A LOT of hairs cut. You could see the fruits of my perfectionism on the back of his neck. I wanted to get it straight on the bottom so I just kept cutting and cutting. But before I knew what happened all of his hair was chopped off to his ears! Ooops.
So this might seem like the terrible trim is my #1 for the week- but it gets worse... There is more to this story than meets the eye...
To keep Eli happy and entertained while I was doing his intricate barber job I gave Eli the cordless telephone. He loves playing with the phone and hearing the buttons beep when they are pushed. He especially loves pressing the 'talk' button and hearing the operator chant: 'If you'd like to make a call, please hand up and try again.' She is so encouraging and persistent.
Well this combination of interests proved poor last Tuesday morning. He was pushing buttons and pushing 'talk' to his delight while I was busily focused on my task at hand, or should I say head- giving Eli a hair cut. I wasn't paying much attention to Eli or the phone in his hands because I knew he was content and safe. Suddenly, the phone rang and I innocently answered it.
It was the operator- THE 911 OPERATOR!!!
She proceeded to tell me that she had just received a call from our house and that the officers where on their way. After apologizing about a hundred times I hung up the phone and rushed to the bedroom to get out of my PJ's- I couldn't answer the door in hot pink pants!
I am sure Eli was confused by this mad dash through the house and the crazy panicked interruption to his hair cut. We went and stood outside on the driveway waiting to greet the hero's. I had already wasted enough of their time so I didn't want to make them get out of the car and knock on our door.
Soon a cop car rounded the corner. He pulled up and put his window down. I explained what had happened and showed him Eli's innocent face as proof- apologizing with every other word. He was gracious and smiled then went on his way.
I walked inside humiliated. I think the funniest part of the story is that the policeman was really cute! Of course it would be a young single officer that would show up at the house. It seemed like such a funny cliche out of a movie- 'young single mom dials 911 to get the cute cop to come to the house.' But that was anything but the way our story really was.
Don't worry, I am certainly not pursuing any relationships with the officer- that was purely innocent. I just thought it was a funny twist to the story.
2. My number two for the week is much shorter and less eventful- but worth noting none the less.
Those of you who know me well probably know how much I love sweet fruity candy. I am really not a fan of chocolate- to me it is a waste of calories- but give me a gobbstopper and I'm closer to heaven.
I think that laffy taffy's are my all-time top of the list favorite candy. Strawberry is my favorite flavor. I like them so much that I must limit the amount I let myself eat. I only have about 2 a week. But when I have one I sure try to make it worth it. I get a diet A&W root beer and my strawberry laffy taffy and smile.
On Friday, after a rather long morning, I loaded Eli and my laffy taffy, root beer and smile into the car to go visit a friend. My sweet tooth was being appeased. All was well- the timing seemed right for a joke. As you might know- laffy taffy's come complete with 2 hilarious jokes with each candy! See, I am serious- it is the perfect treat.
I excitedly looked at the wrapper and with out thinking read aloud the jokes to Eli- really expecting him to enjoy them and say 'what' so I could read the punch line. Then I realized that I WAS the punchline. I started laughing so hard. I must really be losing it now if I am reading jokes to my 1 year old and expecting him to laugh along with me. But the jokes are just so good- I had to share- I can't keep laffy taffy jokes all the myself, that might as well be a crime.
I know it was one of those- you had to be there moments- but maybe you can understand how silly it was even though you weren't there.
Well...I see no other better way to end this than by sharing with you the 2 jokes Eli and enjoyed on Friday afternoon with root beer.
Q: Where do you learn to make great ice cream?
A: Sundae School!
Q: What do you stop on green and go on red and you can plant the seeds in the ground?
A: A watermelon
After all this talk about them- it is time to do more than just talk. I am off to enjoy a strawberry laffy taffy and a root beer.
Happy Sunday.
It's a TCBY night for the Buffington household.
Woohooo.
(Those of you who don't know what TCBY stands for, it means: The Country's Best Yogurt- and it really is:)
Friday, October 07, 2005
Eli got a few to many hairs cut by his momma- thankfully hair always grows back! Sorry Eli- I think it is time to let a professional trim your locks.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Cookie Monster Can Dance!!!
One of Eli's therapist's goals is getting Eli to chew. He can chew his food but not very quickly or efficiently. She has shown us a lot of different activities we can be doing to help Eli with his munching skills.
A few evenings ago, after a long day, Eli and I were at Publix- our local grocery store. It was our last stop after many different destinations. It was nearly an hour past dinner time for Eli so I was trying to get everything done as fast as possible. Eli was doing so well- behaving great and being such a good sport. He didn't even seem to notice that his dinner was late.
I strolled by a girl who looked about two who was eating a cookie. I remembered that Publix gives away free cookies to children under 12 who are with their parents- I took advantage of that till I was like 18!!!
I threw all good parenting judgment out the window which as you can imagine was hard because there aren't even any windows in Publix- only big sliding glass doors. I pushed Eli in the cart up to the Bakery counter and asked for a big sugar cookie with colored sprinkles on top.
I think my eyes opened wider than Eli's at the sight of this delectable treat. I tore off a small piece and put it in Eli's mouth. He chewed it in record speed and opened for more! He ate 1/2 the cookie in about 2 minutes- one small piece at a time. I won't mention where the other half of the cookie went. :)
It was amazing to me to see how much faster Eli chewed with such enticing incentive. I am usually giving him things like broccoli and carrots and beans to chew- which I will certainly continue to do. But this sugar cookie was definitely something he wanted to chew through so he could have more.
I had fun enjoying this sweet moment with Eli and encouraging him with his chewing. We got home and he ate a great well-balanced dinner. So it seemed like giving him dessert before his dinner didn't ruin him afterall. Maybe that is about as factual as the whole waiting an hour before you can go swimming after you eat rule. I will not make a habit of giving Eli cookies before dinner but I think a treat every now and then is perfectly acceptable.
Through this whole experience I realized that Eli is my little cookie monster. He loves them. So, Saturday morning I thought it was only appropriate to show Eli who the original cookie monster is. We turned on PBS at 9:00 am. There he was with Elmo and Big Bird and all his other friends. It was a sunny day on Sesame Street and on Bentley Green Circle. This was the first time Eli had ever experienced Sesame Street. He was captivated by it. He enjoyed all the music so much that he started to get into it and began to dance.
Eli dances the same to every song no matter what genre and if it is fast or slow. I have been trying to teach him recently that we move slower to a slow song than a fast song. He has not seemed to understand that concept. But, when a beautiful slow song was sung by Ernie, Eli looked at me and began to sway ever so slowly and gently. It melted my heart. He is so sweet. He knew that was the best way to express the music through his body.
Later that evening my dancing cookie monster and I were shopping with my mom and sister at the mall. The store we were in began playing this funky dance music with really loud beats and rhythms. Eli was beside himself. He got so excited. If the straps weren't containing him in the stroller who knows what would have happened.
Eli Was moving every muscle in his body. Shaking his head, kicking his feet and he had both his arms, elbows locked, extended out in front of him moving to the music. He was loving every beat of it and really feeling it. We were laughing so hard- he was so adorable!
I find it amazing that dancing is such and innate natural instinct to hearing music. I wonder why God made us that way. No one ever taught Eli to dance or how to respond to music- he chose to do this on his own. He felt the need to express himself in this way.
I know there is so much freedom that comes from dancing. It is such a deep way to express ourselves that no other medium can compare to. It is so honoring to God- if it is performed with a heart seeking to honor Him.
I took a lot of dance classes in college. Dancing is a huge part of my life and who I am. I miss being able to dance like I used to and hope to have that opportunity again in my life.
There have been moments in my walk with God that I have simply needed to dance for Him and with Him. Nothing else was sufficient in expressing my emotion. Sometimes I would dance as a way of praying. Sometimes my dancing would overflow from a heart recently touched and filled to the brim with joy and love. Sometimes my dancing would simply be a way to worship God and offer myself- my whole self, to Him my creator as a small attempt to bless the One who blesses me so much everyday.
I want to dance as David danced. Unashamed and with abandonment- with all that I am. 2 Samuel 6:14, "David danced before the Lord with all his might, wearing a priestly tunic."
Dancing is something God wants us to do. I know it is a strongly debated topic among many denominations but Psalm 149:3 seems to make God's thoughts about dancing quite clear to me. "Let them praise His name with dancing and make music to Him with the tambourine and harp."
The next verse that follows this is interestingly amazing- vs. 4, "For the Lord takes great delight in His people; He crowns the humble with salvation."
I see this beautiful image of God taking great delight in us as we dance before Him. He must grin from ear to ear. Dancing is often humbling- I know for me I don't always stay on the beat and do every move perfectly- but that doesn't stop me. I keep trying. There is an abandonment to self consciousness present when we dance, especially when we are dancing for the Lord.
It is interesting to me that these two verses are next to each other, the command to dance before the Lord and the idea that He delights in that and blesses the humble, because it suggests that He does this as we dance before Him. I know He does it many other times and in other ways as well- but I see here a way God is honored and also blesses us through dancing.
I love that walking with God is a two way street- we both lavish love on each other and reciprocate that love. I know God's love is incomprehensibly greater and stronger but still we reciprocate that to Him even with our small feeble attempts because we have hearts set on Him and set on delighting Him.
I don't want to hold back any love worship or adoration of God. I certainly don't want my holding back to be because of my own insecurities and self consciousness. David didn't care what the other people around him were thinking- he worshipped the Lord in the only way he saw appropriate.
I find it odd that the same Christian can go to a wedding and dance the night away, then go to a football game and shout, clap and cheer for their favorite team and then come into church and show no emotion or action and not be moved. God has done so much more for us than any football team. He is worthy of our cheers more than the Gators, Seminoles, Jaguars or Bucks- or any other team for that matter. We should be willing to offer our whole bodies to Him as freely and openly as we do to so many other venues- like going out dancing and cheering at a game.
While reverence is always necessary it shouldn't be an excuse for watered down worship that never moves beyond our comfort zone. God is worth us moving beyond our comfort zones and out of our small boxes. Just realize how much God moved out of His comfort zone on the cross for us- there was absolutely nothing comfortable about that for Him- but He did it because He loves us.
He loves us!
He loves you!
He loves you so much that His body was broken for you- bruised, beaten, whipped- humiliated- all for you- because He loves you.
The body of Christ was broken for you...
The body of Christ was broken for you...
The body of Christ was broken for you...
