Monday, September 26, 2005
Eyes of Child
There is so much to report on my 23 pound bundle of energy so well... I guess I better get typing...
Eli ate his very first popsicle tonight. I knew that picking the flavor was a very significant decision. This one act could make or break Eli's frozen treat preferences forever. OK, so maybe that is putting a bit too much pressure on myself. Is it any wonder I'm a recovering perfectionist?
I chose to give Eli a grape popsicle. I usual would say I chose to give him a purple popsicle. But really that doesn't make much sense at all- you can taste the color purple about just as well as you can smell the color nine.
Due to the banging and clanking of air compressors and nail guns putting our kitchen back together Eli did not get good naps today. What was usually 2 four hour naps was shrunken into one 45 minute cat nap. It was highly insufficient. Eli was tired, be it exhausted by 6:30 tonight when I got the fancy idea of offering him a popsicle. Papa had been talking about having one since this afternoon.
I held up the frozen purple stick of sweetness in front of him with excitement to see his response. Instead he cried, screamed, yelled so hard that his face turned red. I knew if he just tried the popsicle and gave it a chance he'd be a huge fan. But it was getting him to try it that was a battle.
Carl made a good point that at least he is good at saying 'no' with out needing to try something first. This will come in handy when he is faced with peer pressure to do and try certain things as he grows older. I am thankful for this trait. But yet a grape popsicle is something good for him to experience. I havae never heard an ad campaign stating, "Just say NO to popsicles!"
Finally, mid-scream, I put the popsicle inside Eli's wide open boisterous mouth. It was suddenly quiet. He moved his eyebrows together and gave me a very confused look as he usually does when he tries something formerly unknown to him. Then he opened his mouth for more and just like that Eli had his very first popsicle. A grape-purple popsicle.
Popsicles weren't the only food experiment of the day. I also introduced Eli to a straw today. This was so exciting. Those who know me well know that I always prefer to drink out of a straw when given the option. I love straws and use them all the time. I think part of my obsession has rubbed off onto Eli. He has a similar affection for straws- he loves to play with them and hold them. Whenever we go to a restaurant I have to ask for an extra straw to give to Eli.
I thought it was time to show Eli how much potential a straw has. Like picking a popsicle flavor, I knew that the type of straw and liquid chosen was equally important. I carefully examined the options in the grocery store. The appropriate selection I chose was a 4 oz box of Motts apple juice- complete with a bendy straw. Bendy straws trump all other straws in my book.
I felt like I did on Christmas morning as a kid (ok well as I still feel on Christmas morning.) I had been anticipating the moment of Eli's first straw introduction for a few days but wanted to wait for the perfect moment. I seized that moment and didn't wait a minute longer. I could practically hear the theme from 'Chariots of Fire' as I lifted the box carefully towards Eli's lips. He opened his mouth and I placed that perfectly bended plastic tube on his tongue and gently squeezed the box.
There it was- that same look with his eyebrows pushed together. He put his lips around the straw and sucked and out came juice! Wow... I could see he was so excited to finally understand the full potential of a straw.
Eli proceeded to drink the whole juice box. Then in response to his confidence I offered him a cup of milk to drink with a straw. He drank the whole thing and wanted more. He was having so much fun using a straw. This is an exciting new activity for both of us.
When Eli met with the speech therapist last week for his evaluation she frowned upon the use of sippy cups. She said that drinking from a straw provides much greater oral stimulation and will help strengthen the muscles in his mouth and face necessary for speech. My goal is to soon have Eli using straw cups instead of his sippy cups.
Eli visited his Occupational therapists this afternoon. Our time with her went very different then I had expected. We had planned on Eli having therapy once a week. But instead, today, the therapist said that for now we would just continue to monitor Eli's development instead of giving him regular therapy. So we will visit her monthly or so- depending on how he is developing.
This was really exciting news. Thank you to everyone who has been praying about this for us. What was so encouraging was that she really thought Eli was developing well and that he was going to learn the appropriate skills through time and apart from added assistance.
Now Eli has completed all his therapy evaluations- speech, occupational and physical. All three agree that he is slightly delayed but not significantly enough to take any action over. He is at about a 12 month range of development instead of a 14 month. That in itself is a miracle and defies the odds the doctors gave him. I know he has been completely healed and will make a complete recovery. I praise God for His provisions.
Security, familiarity and comfort are major parts of a toddlers life. The blanket Eli was given by his father 3 days before he went to be with the Lord provides all of those for Eli. It is beautiful and special for me to see the attachment growing between Eli and his blanket. It has been subtle over time but now has grown to be quite a strong bond.
I love how he cuddles it. He rolls it up into a ball and pushes his head into it. I love how he takes it in each hand and pulls it in front of his face to play peek a boo. This always makes us both laugh. I love how he is wrapped up in it as he sleeps- it always needs to be close by him. I love how he can throw all of his other toys out of his crib but he chooses to keep his blanket there with him.
It is wonderful to see how Eli is learning about faithfulness from a tattered piece of faded cloth. I love imagining how AJ was comforted by this cloth. How amazing it is to think that this is able to comfort Eli through the night as well.
I have mentioned Eli's new skill of doing the sign language for 'light'. Well, his new skill has grown into an obsession. He can now say the word which sounds more like 'ite'. He says it over and over again whenever he sees a light- which as you can imagine is all the time because lights are everywhere!
I am so excited for him. It is fun to see his joy and excitement in his new abilities. It is truly a de-light. (pun intended)
Eli lives in the light. He searches for the light and tells everyone about it when he finds it. He is joyfully excited about the light. He will say it over and over again and never tire. It doesn't grow old or familiar to Eli. He looks at the light with the same fresh joy everytime. I can't help but be convicted by his 'first love'.
John 8:12, "Jesus said to the people, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't be stumbling through the darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life."
I want to look to Christ with fresh excitement and joy. I want to search Him out and talk about what I see; what I have found. I do not ever want the warmth and light of Christ to grow familiar. I want to lively madly and passionately in love with Christ. I want to live in the light as He is in the light. (1 John 1:7) I want to live in the light that leads to life. That light is Jesus Christ himself.
It is amazing how God uses a child that can not even speak yet to teach us so much about Himself. Eli is being used to bring about the fruit of the Spirit in me and to teach me and perfect me.
Just the other day Eli and I were flying to visit some friends. We shared the window seat, the two seats next to us were open. Just before they closed the doors to our plane a large man boarded. He squeezed down the isle and stopped next to us. He emitted a very foul odor. I really didn't know how to respond to him. I was uncomfortable.
He sat down in the isle seat next to us but needed to move the arm rest so he could fit. Eli was standing up near the middle seat staring at the man. I didn't know whether to scoop him up into my lap or to let him stay where he was since he was seemingly content.
The next thing I knew Eli was making friends with the man. He didn't seem to be bothered by the smell or how he looked in any way. As I watched Eli pat this man's leg and flash his snaggle toothed grin I became very convicted. I hated the judgment that was in my heart towards this man. I formed ideas about him based on what was on the outside. Eli has not learned prejudices yet and therefore was not effected in anyway by the things that turned me off about this man.
I prayed there in the seat and thanked God for using Eli to show me His own character. I thanked Him for showing me the flaws in my own heart. I asked for forgiveness and a heart overflowing with love for all God's creation and all His children. I know that takes time but I am thankful I have Eli as a daily God's unconditional love and acceptance. I hope Eli never looses this Godly trait.
Isaiah 11:6, "...and a little child will lead them all."
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Apple Jacks and Butterflies
Apple Jacks.
I few months ago on Palm Sunday weekend I decided to cook a southern meal of Jambalya and fried okra for a friend who was in town visiting. The afternoon was going smoothly. We were 'chilling' out and taking our time cooking dinner. Then things suddenly began to get 'fired' up- so fired up that I burned our kitchen down! It was a huge mess. I felt so awful about it all. Praise God that Carl and Barb are so gracious and understanding. Their generosity in forgiving me taught me so much and was very challenging for me to extend that same grace to others.
For the past few months- ever since the fire- we have been living in a partial kitchen that used to be white but now is a grayish charcoal color. It has taken a long time to get everything cleaned up and all the logistics passed with the insurance in order to have the kitchen restored.
The time has finally come and the destruction has begun. The kitchen is being completely overhauled and remodeled. This is a huge task that will take several weeks to finish. We are not doing the work ourselves so there are constantly other people around making messes and noise in the house. They took our sink, our cabinets and our stove away! Can you believe the nerve of these people- they even took our counter tops right out from underneath us.
Barb woke me up the other morning around 7:30 and said that if I wanted to get anything to eat for breakfast I'd better do it now because they were taping up our fridgerator! This was absolute craziness. It is an odd feeling to be in your home and not be able to use it.
So I rushed out of bed and woke Eli up- who of course needed to be able to eat his breakfast as well. We ducked under ladders and around strange men we had never seen before. We reached under the plastic drapes and managed to scrounge up what we needed for breakfast.
My favorite meal of the day is definitely breakfast. Some nights I go to bed excited because I know the next thing I will get to do is wake up thank God for the new day and eat some breakfast. I mainly like breakfast because I like cereal so much. I would eat it for every meal if I could- but reasoning and good judgment reminds me that it is not a good way to be faithful with all that God has given me, i.e. my body and health.
In the quick rush to get breakfast before the painters started covering up my fried okra remnants I grabbed the apple jacks off the shelf in the pantry. I had just bought them so the box was unopened. It has been a long time since I had eaten Apple Jacks. AJ and I were on a huge Apple Jack kick in the few months before he died. Well, the Apple Jacks we ate were the normal small sized rings- they weren't huge, but the amount we ate was what was huge.
In the weeks before we moved to Miami- but when we knew we were going to be living there we would eat our Apple Jacks together and imagine with great joy and excitement the future relishes of eating Apple Jacks on our balcony over looking Biscayne Bay and South Beach. We moved to Miami and I remember the first morning when we woke up and excitedly heard the cling of the small rings against the porcelain bowls. We felt the ocean breeze in our hair and could smell the salt. We smiled at each other and noted that we had made it- we were sitting on our balcony overlooking Biscayne Bay and South Beach Miami enjoying Apple Jacks TOGETHER. All was well in that moment. Eli, bouncing away in his bouncer so contentedly. AJ sitting across from me at our black iron cafe table that he had given me earlier that year for mother's day.
It was a beautiful day and an equally beautiful moment. It is such a sweet memory. The other morning as I sat on the back porch at the Buffington's house, because the kitchen was in disarray, it was the first time I had eaten breakfast outside since the accident- and one of the first times I had eat Apple Jacks. That combinations was a sobering sweet nostalgia.
That moment brought me vividly back to the time AJ and I shared a sweet morning meal together in our last days we had together. Gosh, I am being overcome now by emotion as I type this. I feel like my words are so insufficient in describing how sweet this memory is. I know as one reading this you might think this seems rather ordinary, simple and insignificant.
But I am realizing that life and love is made rich by the ordinary and seemingly insignificant. A few years ago a popular book came out about not sweating the small stuff- there is a lot of truth in that idea. But I can't help but realize how important the small things really are also. They shouldn't be overlooked.
In light of AJ going on to be with the Lord I am seeing that some of my most precious and vivid memories are the small simple ordinary things that we shared together. Like eating a bowl of Apple Jacks together on the porch. We were not having a profound conversation, we didn't know it would be one of our last meals together. We were just being ourselves and enjoying life together.
It was the short and simple phone calls that AJ made to me that I remember the most. The 30 second 'I'm really busy but wanted you to know I love you' calls; the ear to ear grin that cared not of what the other commuters thought as he emphatically waved good bye to me as I drove away from dropping him off at the bus stop in the morning; it is the simple kiss on the cheek when I picked him up in the evenings from the bus. The little things. The 2 words that were very sincere. The short note or emails. The simple things in life that really now mean so much.
I think I am realizing the importance of not overlooking the ordinary small things in life. It is these things that make our lives rich and without them would leave us lacking. They are often taken for granted- I know I did and have. Boy what I would do to relish in them now. To soak it up and not miss one opportunity to express grace, gratitude, thanks and love.
I know it is never too late to start appreciating all the things around us. I want to be one who lives fully. I can do that by enjoying the small joys and graces that God allows me to experience.
Butterflies.
I go on a morning walk with Eli nearly everyday. Lately we have been going to the Cross Seminole Trail for our walks. This is a beautiful trail near our home. The past few weeks that we have been walking there has been an unusually increased amount of butterflies on the trail and in the bushes and near the flowers. They are so beautiful. They are all vibrant and vivacious. So full of life and color.
I love watching them flutter along carelessly about. I look at them and give thanks to God for his small expressions of grace. I see in the butterflies small provisions of grace from the Lover of my soul. Watching the eccentric energies of beauty fills my heart with joy and life. I see them as an image and reflection of God's amazing workmanship. I see how God is good and faithful- how He has clothes these small seemingly insignificant animals with such great splendor and beauty simply because He can, He is good, and He is God.
I see in the image of the small butterfly how God has made me with great care and splendor as well simply because He can, He is good, and He is God. I know He loves me and will provide all that I need just as He has been faithful to provide all that the simple helpless butterfly needs.
I can even see how God's love and grace is unconditional and freely given in the wings of the these beautiful creatures. The butterfly doesn't worry about what it needs for tomorrow because it trusts that God will supply whatever that is. The butterfly does not have to strive to convince God to provide for it- there is a faith and understanding that God is in control. It realizes that it is ridiculous to strive and is in touch with how helpless and insignificant in truly is. After all- how big is a butterflies brain- probably about the size of a push pin top. I don't know- I am not a scientist.
So maybe I am reading too much into what the relationship is between God and the butterflies. But to me this is a powerful image of how I can live by faith and cease striving to win God's approval. Christ already won it for me. There is nothing I can do to add to that or take it away. God knows what I need for today and His grace is sufficient. God knows what I need tomorrow and has asked me to cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me. His love and grace is unconditional and freely given. He is in perfect control.
Matthew 6:30&33, "And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."
Matthew 10: 29-30, "Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows."
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Doctor visit joys
I am so sorry I have not been able to write more blogs recently. There has been so many things I have wanted to write about but the time that is required to actually do the writing has not been there for me lately. I am hoping that this new season will lend itself more time for me to do more writing. I really want to be writing more and will try to be more diligent and purposeful in making more regular posts as I had been previously doing.
Well, there is so much to update you on with Mr. Eli. He is changing so quickly now. I really love the age that he is at. He is so much fun and becoming more fun everyday! He is starting to talk so much. He really just likes to imitate what we are saying but it is so cute. His best and favorite words are ducky, diaper, bear, book, da da, bottle and Grover. Some of the words are more recognizable than the others. He has got the cutest little voice. He still loves to make lots of other sounds. He loves to sing along to music with various high pitched squeals. He makes great monkey and bird sounds. He can also roll his tongue which is a feat I have never been able to accomplish.
When Eli gets really excited he does the funniest thing right now. He kicks his feet like crazy and makes fists with his hands, he locks his elbows and raises his arms up and down- really fast, and he squeals and smiles with delight. It is so cutes. It is like he is expressing joy with every ounce of energy he has and with all his muscles. It is clear he is so excited that he can't contain it.
Why is it that as adults we don't get that excited about things anymore? Imagine how much healthier we'd be and more full of life if we allowed ourselves to experience that kind of joy. It is a shame that as innocence fades so does the level of sheer joy and delight we can experience. I believe God still wants us to live with the same delight. This is the joy He wants us to have as we come into His presence. I think over and over when we are told in scripture to 'shout for joy' this is the kind of joy that it is talking about. Being so overjoyed that you can't possibly contain it and you try with everything you've got to express it but it still isn't enough. That is the joy God wants to give us. He holds that out before us. That is the joy that comes from abiding in Him.
I have heard of another definition of joy which I really like. It is called a pervasive sense of well-being. It more a matter of being content and thankful and satisfied. So, I guess that means that joy falls into that category of words that have multiple meanings and depths of truth to it. It is used in the bible so many times and in different ways. It is a subject I would like to research more- to go deeper into the history of why it was used in a given passage and what the original words that were used literally meant when translated. How it was used through time and in different situations. How the context clues could be used to further define and give meaning to the word joy as it is used in the bible. It is an amazing subject.
Joy is something we all desire but few ever really truly experience. Apart from Christ I believe it is impossible to truly know joy. You might think you are happy and satisfied for a season- but true everlasting joy can only come from a life abiding in Him. He is only true giver of joy- the way to access that source of joy is by going to the source itself. By having a personal intimate relationship with the Lord. He is the well-spring of life. I'd be interested to see if another translation for the word joy is abundant life. I need to research it more but they seem to go hand in hand. There seems to be a lot of correlation with joy and abundant life.
This season which is now getting close to a year of grief has been so hard. But it is amazing how God has sent so many blessings in the midst of it all. It is amazing how God has truly still given me joy- He is my joy and my reason to smile. After all scripture admonishes us to reflect His radiance and glory. I think a smile definitely accomplishes that more than a frown- a real genuine smile that flows out from the heart. As Christians our countenance and faces should be different. We are reflecting the glory of God! As we abide in Him and spend time with Him in His presence it is impossible for our faces not to be changed.
A huge source of encouragement in this season has ironically been through doctor visits with Eli. While it is hard to have to go to so many different doctor visits so often, they are almost always reasons for rejoicing. We often leave them praising God all the more for the miracle He has done in Eli. Every time we go Eli is improving and growing. The evidence of his healing is clear to his doctors and to us and we recognize it in new depths with the time we spend with the doctors.
Last Thursday Eli was evaluated for therapy. He had a physical therapy evaluation and an occupational therapy evaluation. The therapists spent over an hour playing with him. I have never seen Eli play so hard in my life. He had so much fun and was so busy. When we got in the car to drive home he was like a wet noodle- he was so exhausted.
The therapists really studied Eli and how he played. They were doing a test and scoring him the whole time. Saturday we got the results from his evaluation. Overall they said he was at an 11 month age of development. Amazingly they said that his gross motors skills- things like walking and throwing a ball were at a 14 month age of development. Keep in mind this is the same boy of whom doctors said might not ever walk or use the left side of his body! What a reason to praise God- as if we ever even need a reason.
The therapist recommended that Eli have therapy once a week to help him get all of his other skills up to his age level- or even beyond it. I am so thankful for the means to be able to do this. I am glad that Eli will be able to get the help he needs. They fully expect him to learn well and respond to the therapy. His rehabilitation prognosis was the best that it could have been.
I am also excited to be going to the therapy with Eli because I am learning so many new ways to play with Eli- to challenge his mind and help facilitate growth and cognitive skills. I am excited about our play times through out the week. I feel like I have fresh things to be doing with him which will help break up the monotony in our routine.
Through the help of the therapist I realized Eli can color- and really enjoys doing it. We color just about everyday now. He has made all sorts up abstract pieces of art. I think they are so beautiful- haven't brought myself to throw any of them away yet. I keep them out and show them to people when they come over to visit. I guess I am a little proud of my wonderful boy.
I can see that Eli's confidence is growing as well. He is doing new things all the time and getting less frustrated with himself or his toys. He definitely expresses a sense of accomplishment when he masters a new skill. I can see it affects is overall countenance and mood. He rightfully feels proud of himself which gives him the confidence to continue to try new things. Just yesterday he put his basketball through the hoop 10 times in a row with out my help- he knew he was so cool for doing it.
I am so thankful for the growth in Eli. The opportunity for him to get the help he needs is such a blessing too. At first the idea of realizing your son isn't completely normal and needs therapy is always a little disappointing and hard- but now I see it as just another blessing in our lives. We are both learning so much and we will be better because of it.
