Put A New Song In My Heart
It has been an amazing and full week. I just got back today from spending a week in Jacksonville visiting family and friends. I felt like it was a very intense time for a lot of reasons. I wanted to see a lot of different people and tried to fill every minute I had free to make that possible. Also it was an emotional week for me. In addition, God is doing a new thing in my heart. Or maybe it is an old thing that He is refining.
Here's an interesting thing about God that I love: He is the same yesterday, today and forever and yet He is always doing something new- He is always living and moving. He is always relevant and never stagnant. What a mighty God we serve. He is the great I AM. He is the alpha and omega- beginning and end.
Before I write anything else I want to stop pray for wisdom and direction.
"Dear God, I love you with all my heart. I come to you in a desperate place- hungry, thirsty and longing for you. I need you more than breath and more than life. You are my everything- my God my King! You are my beginning and end. All of You is more than enough for all of me. You satisfy me with Your love. I need to know You more. I need to know Your love more. I need to love You more.
Be with me now God, as I write this please come and bring Your perspective. That is what I need. I need to be refreshed. I need a new song of praise. I need to feel the fresh wind of Your spirit. I need wisdom and direction. Apart from You I can do nothing. You are my vine; my well-spring of life. Your words sustain me and give me life.
Come Holy Father. Come Precious Lord. Help me to become less and you to become more in all areas of my life. I pray that I would decrease and that You would increase in me. Forgive me for grieving Your spirit with my narrow-minded selfish ways. I am sorry God. I confess my deep need for You Jesus- for Your unconditional love and redemptive grace.
Lilly of the valley; Bright and Morning Star- I can not even begin to conceive your beauty. Help me God. You complete me God. Come anew and fill me. I need You. I want You. I love You.
In Jesus' name I pray these things. Amen"
Ever since AJ's birthday I have had a much harder time dealing with AJ's death. I know that time and event brought my grief to a new depth and place. It has been 8 1/2 months since he went to home to be with the Lord. It looks different being this distance away from the day he went home. It looks different now than it did even 4 months ago. In some ways it is easier and in others it is much harder.
God has been so good and faithful to me. He has always provided everything I need. He always has given me the words of encouragement or wisdom or perspective that I needed to hear- be it from a friend, a stranger or His very own living word. He has lead me down this unfamiliar path and has kept my feet from stumbling. He has show me the way to walk and how to walk. He has given me the strength to walk. He is my strength, my guide and my light.
So it is interesting now to be in this place. The emotions are raw and very real. I have reached a season that has been flooded with memories. I remember AJ doing very simple casual things like carrying hotdogs out to our back porch to grill them. Or playing Yahtzee with me- our favorite game. These memories are simple and really not very intimate or anything significant. But to me they are so special and I treasure them. They are short snapshots but very vivid. I can smell how it smelled and hear the sounds and see it all in my mind's eye.
It is such a paradox though because these are all such happy and good memories. When I think of them it makes me happy and want to smile. But then right next to it is this heavy weight. It almost feels like being punched in the gut. It takes my breath away.
Songs remind me of AJ a lot more lately. Maybe it is that I am more brave now to listen to music we enjoyed sharing together. Visiting DC and Jacksonville- two of our hometowns remind me of AJ. There are so many familiar places where life happened and memories were made and dreams were shared.
I am thankful for this season even though it is hard. It has been my prayer all along that I would grieve in a healthy way and that God would direct how I grieved. I do not want to wallow in self- pity. Likewise, I do not want to live in denial. It is a hard balance and one I am not capable of maintaining on my own. I need the wisdom and guidance of God. I am thankful to know that what I am experiencing is very real. This is real life. God is growing me and stretching me and doing His work me. He is carrying out His specific purposes in me through this.
Last night was an amazing and significant night in my life. I attended the Shoshannah Arts dance recital. Shoshannah is a Word based art school. I had the priviledge of teaching dance, piano and voice at this school while AJ and I lived in Jacksonville. It was one of the best experiences and seasons of my life thus far. For more information on the school and its vision check out their website at:
http://www.shoshannaharts.org
The recital was designed and intended to be a ministry outreach. I went in knowing that but not expecting it to change my life. Every word and everything about it was exactly what I needed. God met me there through that event last night. He met at a time when I really needed Him.
My good friend Kit Rossi choreographed a dance in memory of AJ and in honor of Eli me. Before each dance the choreographers explained the meaning and purpose of the dance and why it was relevant to them. Kit used that to explain a little of our story and how is has impacted her and how God is working through it. The dance was so beautiful. I was crying from the time Kit started talking until the dance was over. Later as I met some of the dancers from the piece they told me that they were crying too as they were dance. It was very emotional for everyone.
Every movement in the dance was so intentional and beautiful. It was so awesome and it really blessed me. God used that to encourage me. He used that to tell me something very significant; something I needed to hear and wanted to hear. Through watching the dance and being at the recital God kept making it evident to me that He does have a purpose for me. He told me that He is going to work through AJ's death and be glorified. He is going to use it in me. It is not going to be wasted. All that I am going through now is necessary and not a waste. He will use my pain and redeem it. He will use me in ways that He only can do because of what He is walking me through now.
I so desperately needed to know that. Here I am going through so much pain and sometimes it feels so senseless and meaningless. I have struggled a lot lately with feeling like I have no purpose or definition in my life. I know there is significance and purpose in being a mom and I am not belittling that in anyway- but I also know there is more to me and in me. I desire more. I want to be faithful with being Eli's mom- but I also want to be used by God in other ways in addition to that. I don't want all God is doing in me now to go to waste.
I am not concerned with what God's will is for me. I just simply want to be in His will. If His will is scrubbing toilets- great- I will do it. If His will is something greater- I will do it. I am not concerned with recognition or fame for myself in anyway. I just want to serve Him and Honor Him. I want to be in His will for I know that is the only place where I can find true fulfillment and satisfaction.
God has created all of us with a specific purpose. He has called each of us to do something and has designed us and equipped us in such a way that no one else in the world can do it as good as we could- that is why He gives whatever that purpose is to us specifically and intentionally to fulfill by His grace, wisdom and strength.
I am in a season where I am searching for greater definition in what my purpose is. I know now more than ever that life is so short. I want to live extravagantly. I want to make the most of every day, every second and every opportunity. I want to love well. I want to be what God wants me to be and do what He wants me to do- and I want to know what that is.
I know this requires faith. I know I must trust Him that He will give me the desires of my heart. By that I mean He will make my desires line up with His desires so I would only desire things He wants me to have and knows I need. I also need to trust Him that He is in control. He created me as a human 'being' not a human 'doing' and I need to find rest and peace in that.
As I submit to God He will direct my path. I will continue to walk with confidence knowing He is faithful to lead me. I must remember that He wants me to be in His will too. He wants me to know His will. He will show me what I need, as much as I need, when I need it. He is perfect and all-knowing. He is sufficient for me.
I will close with a phrase from a song I wrote last week- a new song.
"In quietness and trust there is strength. In quietness and trust there is peace. In quietness and trust there is life and freedom. In quietness and trust there is joy."
Some scripture references that inspired me for the phrase are Isaiah 30:15 and Isaiah 32:17. My intention with using the word 'quietness' was to mean unquestioning and not doubting God. When we trust Him we are quiet and submissive. I am talking more than just an audible silence- if such a thing exists. I am talking about a quietness inside your spirit and mind. A quietness that comes from trusting God and not requiring more- more answers or more reasons. Instead of speaking we are content to let Him speak.
I have been washing my mind with this truth. There is strength and peace and life and freedom and joy in it. God is showing me this. God is so faithful. I am so grateful!
posted by Kellie # 10:57 PM (4) comments
