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Friday, May 27, 2005
Mobility Requirements- Check
Eli has officially met the requirements for being mobile! Yesterday he just up and went. He was chasing a toy that rolls and crawled all the way across the room. He then proceeded to repeat that process again and again and even again! He has mastered the skill of crawling- and every time he does it he is getting better and faster at it.
My boy is mobile- life will never be the same again- for either of us! I am so excited and proud of his huge accomplishment. This is a miracle too- he continually proves his doctors wrong and their prognosis last November to be wrong. Praise God! Praise God! PRAISE GOD!!!
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Isaiah 40
"Comfort, comfort my people," says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem." (Verse 1&2)
I love how gentle God is in how He deals with us. He is wanting to comfort us and He speaks tenderly to us. He is patient and loving toward us.
"Listen! I hear the voice of someone shouting, "Make a highway for the Lord through the wilderness. Make a straight, smooth road through the desert for our God. Fill the valleys and level the hills. Straighten out the curves and smooth off the rough spots. Then the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. The Lord has spoken!" (vs. 3-5)
This challenges me to prepare myself for the Lord. I am a temple for Him. He dwells in me and His light shines through me. I want Him to fill the valleys in me- the places where I do not have confidence and boldness and courage. I want Him to level the hills- to take away my pride and the parts of me that feel as though I am greater than God because I do not act as though need Him or go to Him for help. I am nothing without God and I hate when my pride makes me think I can do things on my own. Apart from Christ I can not do anything and I can not please Him! I want Him to the level the hills in my heart. I want Him to straighten out the curves and smooth off the rough spots- the parts of me that are not in line with his perfect and pleasing will; the parts in me that do not bring Him glory. Then the glory of the Lord will be revealed- this is what I desire above all things- to bring God glory- total complete glory with every breath and with all that I am. I am desperate for Him- I need Him. I need Him to do these things in me. I need to bring Him glory- He is worthy of nothing less.
"Messenger of good news, shout to Zion from the mountaintops! Shout louder to Jerusalem- do not be afraid. Tell the towns of Judah, "Your God is coming!" Yes, the Sovereign Lord is coming in all his glorious power. See, he brings his rewards with him as he comes." (vs. 9-10)
I am so thankful that I know God is coming in new and greater ways into my life and my heart. I am glad He is continuing to come in all His glorious power. The rewards He brings with Him are so great- I crave them. My reward is more of Him- to know Him more and to trust His goodness. There is so much hope in the promise that yes my God is coming in all His glorious power and bringing his rewards with Him as He comes. Praise God for this!
"He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young." (vs. 11)
What more can I ask for!?! These words give life to my spirit. I know God is feeding me and caring for me so faithfully just like a shepherd watches over his flock. He is giving me all that I need right when I need it. He is never early and never late. I can feel His arms carrying me through the impossible and comforting me. I love the image of the Truth in this scripture. God is snuggling me and holding me so affectionately and close to His heart. I can hear the passion that is beating through His heart. He wants me to come to Him so He can embrace me and carry me and hold me on His chest close to His heart.
The last line of this scripture makes me weep because it is providing for a deep need I have. This is a promise I am holding on to. He will gently lead me with Eli. When I often do not know what is right or best I can hold on to the hope that God will lead me and help me. More than that He will do it in a gentle way. I need His help! I need Him to gently lead me with Eli.
"Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed out the mountains and the hills? Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord? Who knows enough to be his teacher or counselor? Has the Lord ever needed anyone's advice? Does he need instruction about what is good or what is best? No, for all the nations for the world are nothing in comparison with him. They are but a drop in the bucket, dust on the scales." (vs. 12-15)
The questions asked here are so humbling and encouraging. God is so mighty. Nothing and no one can compare to His greatness and majesty. The nations of the world are nothing in comparison with Him. They are but a drop in the bucket and dust on the scales. How narrow is my perspective! If only I could even conceive a small speck of God's greatness. He has held the oceans in His hands! Imagine that! We can only hold a few drops of water and yet He can hold an entire ocean. This gives me so much faith to know His more than able to do anything! Nothing is to difficult for Him. With God all things are possible. He is in control and does not need my help or advise. I can and should submit to Him and His ways and authority for I do not know what is good or what is best. He does not need my help to give Him advice. He can be trusted completely because He knows what is best and wants that for me. I want what He wants for me. He is perfect and wise and strong and pure. Words are not sufficient in describing His surpassing greatness. But with all that I am and with my life I want to show Him I do believe He is great and mighty. I can show Him that by trusting in Him and letting Him lead and direct my life and my heart. I live by faith by letting God be in control.
"To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal?" asks the Holy One. Look up to the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name. And he counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away." (vs. 25- 26)
Again my faith is being built up and encouraged. No one can equal God. As I look all around me and as I look up in the sky at the stars I can be reminded that no one can compare to my God! God is even in control of the stars- He brings them out and calls each of them by its name. Imagine that!- Every star in the sky has a name that God has given to it. God cares for them so well that He counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away. If God cares for the stars like this which are just merely stars- imagine how much greater must He care for us! He surely calls us each by name and searches for us and watches over us to make sure that we are not lost or have not strayed away. He cares for us so deeply. He wants us to always be near Him. He wants us to be close to Him. He wants to gently lead us and hold us close to His heart!
"O Israel, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding." (vs. 27-28)
God does care! He does see our troubles. He always hears us as we cry out to Him. He is the everlasting God and the creator of the earth- but He is not distant from us in any way. He never grows faint or weary. As we come to Him with troubles He will never turn us away. He can and will always understand us. We are never alone. He is with us and as we come to Him He draws us close to His heart. He hears, He sees, He knows, and He understands!!!
"He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." (vs. 29-31)
I do get tired and worn out; we all do- but in that position- in our weakness- as we come to Him He will give us all the power we need. He will give us strength, He holds it out before us offering it to us. He offers His strength to us.
I will never give up! Instead I will wait on the Lord and as I do that I will find new strength. How do I wait on the Lord? I wait on Him by coming into His presence; by coming to be with Him. I wait on Him by sitting at His feet- by reading His word and by praying to Him. I wait on Him by being quiet and still before Him. He has promised me here that as I wait on Him I
WILL find new strength. I will find more than just a little bit of strength to get me by- I will find so much strength that I will fly high on wings like eagles; that I will be able to run and not grow weary and walk and not faint! Only God can give us strength like that. That is the strength I want and need. I will wait on the Lord who can and will renew my strength.
Wait on the Lord and come to Him- He is mighty and strong. He will give you all that you need. He hears you, He sees you, He understands and He loves you more than you can conceive. He will give you all that you need. He will give you strength- His strength. Praise God the Rock of Ages forever and EVER! Amen.
Monday, May 23, 2005
The Faith of Abraham
Romans 4:1-3, "Abraham was, humanly speaking, the founder of our Jewish nation. What were his experiences concerning this question of being saved by faith? Was it because of his good deeds that God accepted him? If so, he would have had something to boast about. But from God's point of view Abraham had no basis at all for pride. For the scriptures tell us, 'Abraham believed God, so God declared him to be righteous'."
I like the way this talks about Abraham. I like that it points out that God sees things from a different perspective than we do. It says that from God's point of view Abraham had no basis at all for pride. God judges us by different standards. He is looking at different things than we are. His values are very different from the worlds values.
Let's continue on through Romans 4: 13-14, "It is clear, then, that God's promise to give the whole earth to Abraham and his descendants was not based on obedience to God's law, but on the new relationship with God that comes by faith. So if you claim that God's promise is for those who obey God's law and think they are "good enough" in God's sight, then you are saying that faith is useless. And in that case, the promise is also meaningless."
I often struggle with feeling like I need to be perfect- everything I say and do and how I look must be perfect for me to be loved and accepted. But I know that is not what God requires of me. That is such a lie and deception from the enemy that the world tries to present to us as truth- but it is so far from the Truth and so far from how God perceives us.
We can never and will never be 'good enough' for God- it is impossible in and of ourselves and our own efforts. We will never measure up and we will never be perfect or holy enough. That is exactly why we need His promise of salvation that comes by believing in the finished work of His Son Jesus Christ. Faith is essential. We are justified by faith. We are made perfect by faith. We are more than 'good enough' -BY FAITH. With faith the promise is completely meaningful.
But when we try to obey God's law and be perfect and 'good enough' in our own strength and in the ways we think are right- apart from Him and His grace- we act as though faith is useless and thus what Christ did for us on the cross was useless and as a result meaningless.
This should not be! Christ work is so meaningful and beneficial and essential!
His work is sufficient for me and thus His grace is sufficient for me!
Christ is my sufficiency! He is more than enough for me and with out faith and with out believing that it would not have meaning and it would not be true to me.
Faith without works is dead. Actions speak louder that words. I can tell God I believe His promises but if I don't live in a way that shows Him that than it means nothing. How can I show God I believe His promises you might ask? I can live by faith. I can live a life of faith. I can live victoriously and with joy and hope because I know He will provide for all my needs. Like it says in Matthew 6:30 and Luke 12:28, "If God cares so wonderfully for the flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!"
Romans 4:16, "So that's why faith is the key! God's promise is given to us as a free gift. And we are certain to receive it, whether or not we follow Jewish customs, if we have faith like Abraham's. For Abraham is the father of all who believe."
God's promise to us is free and undeserved and all we have to do to receive it is believe it to be what it is. We simply have to receive it and it is ours.
Romans 4: 20-25, "Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything he promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous. Now this wonderful truth- that God declared him to be righteous- wasn't just for Abraham's benefit. It was for us, too, assuring us that God will also declare us to be righteous if we believe in God, who brought Jesus our Lord back from the dead. He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised from the dead to make us right with God."
This is amazing to me that Abraham NEVER wavered in believing God's promise. What God promised him seemed impossible and by the standards of the world it was impossible- but Abraham did not question or doubt God. He had a simple trusting faith. He had the faith like a child that does not need to know all the 'whats' and 'whys.'
I am believing God's promise and what His word says is true of Him. I am believing that He will provide for all my needs and that He does love me and long for me. I am believing that He does work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
I am inspired by the faith of Abraham. I am trying to live a life by faith and in the way I have learned that Abraham lived his life. There are a lot of questions I could be asking God about my life and about why AJ died and about God's faithfulness and love and sovereign plan- but there is really no use in asking any of those questions. The answers would not change anything today. I am still called to live the same life to the same standards with or without all the answers and explanations to things I don't understand.
I am still called to rejoice in the Lord always. I am still called to love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. I am still called to seek first the kingdom of God. I am still called to live by faith and that is what I want to do.
Likewise by faith I can have rest and peace to know that I have been made right with God and that I don't need to be perfect and 'good enough' to receive His love. Romans 5:1-2 makes this clear. "Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory."
Because of my faith in what Christ has done for me I can have the high priviledge of standing and walking and being with God. I can confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing in His glory- He wants to share His glory with me and wow that is such an inconceivable privledge. So in the words of Hebrews 4:16, "Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it."
Think about those words. We should come boldly and forcefully. When I think of that I think of being intentional about coming into the presence of God. We should be excited about it and diligent. It is not something to be taken lightly or by any means taken for granted. It is the highest priviledge that we have to be able to seek Him and come into His presence and throne room. When we come we find all that we need when we need it- we find Him and He is all that we need when we need it!
Hebrews 6: 15; 18-19, "Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. So God has given us his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to his promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain of heaven and into God's inner sanctuary."
And yet again we are invited to be with him and intimately and boldly know Him. He longs for us and has made it possible for us to satisfy our longing for Him. We simply need faith and need to act on and by faith by coming to be with Him. Hebrews 10: 22-23, "Let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."
God is good and He is faithful. We can trust Him. Let us hold tightly to that truth. Let us live boldly with the hope we say we have- let's not just talk about hope and faith but let us show God by how we live that we believe Him and have hope. For God can be trusted to keep His promise. He will never leave us, fail us or forsake us. His plans for us are good- to give us a hope and a future, not to harm us but to prosper us. His plans are for peace and life. His plans are for us to know Him and to know the wonderful life He has called us to and prepared for us.
Come and embrace that with all that you are. By faith I encourage you to come- it takes faith to come, purpose in your heart to come to Him and believe that He is able to meet you right where you are at. He can, He is able and He always is with you and He always does meet you when you come to Him whether you can feel it or know it or not.
Hebrew 11:1, "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Come with confident assurance and seek the Lord while He may be found. Come by faith. Come into His open embrace.
COME!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Dr. Kojic Smiles With Delight
Eli's doctor visit with his neurologist went very well. Everytime we see her I realize more and more how severe Eli's injuries really were. I leave feeling even more in awe of the miracle working power of God.
Dr. Kojic told us more details on the results of Eli's MRI. When someone has a stroke a part of their brain is damaged and it stays that way for the rest of their life. It is damaged in a way that can not be rejuvenated. In adults this is very severe and usually results in some physical losses as well. In children, especially babies, it is not always as drastic because their brains are still growing so they can form new connections around the damaged part in their brains so they can still function appropriately. This is what we were hoping would happen with Eli.
Eli's injuries were as severe as it could get. She said she would expect Eli to take the maximum amount of time to recovery fully. When she looked at his MRI she was more than amazed to see how well and fast he was recovering. The part of his brain that was damaged from the multiple strokes Eli had is healing. The dead tissue that was not expected to ever heal is being rejuvenated and growing! This is something that just doesn't happen. Praise God that when He heals he doesn't just do it halfway- but He does a complete and perfect work!
Eli also had lesions on his brain that were a result from all the bleeding that had occurred. The lesions are like little pockets of fluid. Well, she said they were shrinking and starting to go away. Everything she saw was even better than expected. He was healing beautifully and she expects him to have a full recovery.
Eli will still need to be monitored closely and see the doctor regularly. He also will still need to remain on his medicine. Eli has another EEG on June 9th which will show us how great of a risk he still has for having a seizure- that is what will determine how long he will need to remain on his medicine.
I am continuing to pray and believe that God will completely heal Eli. He has truly amazed me at his kindness towards my little Eli. He is so good and so faithful. I am very humbled and thankful for his generous grace that He has so lavishly poured out on us.
Friday, May 13, 2005
New pictures
Hey everyone- I just wanted to let you know that I have posted tons of new pictures. I had gotten very behind so now there is a lot of new ones on the site. There are so many that some of the new pictures have already been archived. So when you click the picture link or
www.ajandkellie.com/photos also be sure to click the most recent archive button so you don't miss any of the latest pictures.
Or you can just click this link to see all of the newest pictures at once:
http://www.ajandkellie.com/archive/photos/2005_05_08_archive.html
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Have You Ever Seen an Elephant Fly?
Have you ever seen an elephant fly? I haven't. I have seen a horse fly, I have seen a dragon fly and I have seen birds fly. But I have never seen an elephant fly.
Equally as odd as elephants flying are giant metal tubes filled with luggage and people flying- but they do! I flew in one yesterday back to my home in Orlando. (It is such a wonderful home.)
I love to fly. I love to be up high in the sky. I love the perspective I have when I am in an airplane. I love be able to see the clouds up close. Yesterday as I was looking out the window at the white billowing clouds I became so overwhelmed at the beauty of God's creation. The clouds were so massive and yet not intimidating at all. They were inviting and fluffy.
I sat there and wondered about how man and God combine. How they work together sometimes and how they work against each other. They both create things to form what we know as our world. I remembered watching beautiful sunsets which clearly and beautiful display the mighty artistry of God's hand. I remembered thinking it was odd when a jet flew by leaving a stream of smoke that caught some of the sun's brightly colored rays. I always thought it looked pretty- but a bit like it was intruding on something God was creating. It has always struck me as being a funny co-existence.
Those are just some silly thoughts that were 'flying' around in my head as I was flying.
Romans 1:20-21, "From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see his invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God. Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was that their minds became dark and confused."
I know I have been called to be reading Romans for about a week now. It was not until this morning that I finally came around and obeyed that tug in my heart. I only read 4 chapters. I read them slowly and intently. I read them in 3 different translations trying to get all I could from them. I want to hear God's voice and I want to know what He is saying to me.
Even though I can not see God with my eyes I know He is real and very alive. This scripture in Romans reminds me that it is quite impossible and very inexcusable to ignore God. But I noticed another interesting thing in these verses. There is more than just knowing God and recognizing and acknowledging Him. I am supposed to worship Him and give Him thanks. More than that- there is no condition on that call. It is simple and to the point.
When I am not worshiping God and giving Him thanks for all things- for all circumstances; for what I have or don't have; for where I am at or not at; for who I am with or not with- it is so easy to get into a bad way of thinking or like this verse describes to think up foolish ideas of what God is like. I begin to doubt God and His sovereignty. I begin to believe that He is not more than enough for me, that He is not enough for me at all. I begin to think that His will and ways are not perfect.
I do end up feeling confused and in the dark. My focus is on myself and the God I am trying to make. I am trying to fit God in a box that I have designed. I am trying to make God do and be who I want Him to be instead of quietly trusting Him and submitting to His ways and authority- after all He is the creator of the universe- God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob- and He longs to be my God and your God too!
I love how in God's graciousness the second I come to Him and worship Him for who He is and give Him thanks instead of expecting more from Him He floods my heart with light. My whole mood and attitude shifts and lifts as soon as I turn my gaze to the everlasting God. These verses show me that there really is power in worshiping God and giving Him thanks; it shows me there is danger in not doing these things- in not being diligent about it. I do desire to love God unconditionally because the love He freely gives me is so undeserved and completely unconditional. He is worthy of my thanks and praise and He also knows how beneficial it is to me as well to worship Him as God and give Him thanks.
As I begin to worship Him. As I give Him thanks I only find more reasons to worship Him and more things to thank Him for! Once I am not focused on myself but instead on Him I realize the futility of my selfish ways and I see how utterly unfulfilling they are. Romans 1:25 says... "So they worshipped the things God made but not the creator himself, who is to be praised forever." I want to worship the creator and only Him. The work of His hands is so glorious but it points to God and reflects who He is.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have so many reasons to worship God. But likewise- I should not need a reason to worship or thank God. I should do this simply because He is God and He is holy and worthy. He is so gracious to give us anything at all- any reason to love Him. He is such a good God.
In the worlds eye I should be angry with God. I should be bitter and ungrateful. From that perspective I have lost nearly everything- my husband, my love, my security, my dignity, my home, my provider and the comfort all those things gave me. But how can I not rejoice when I realize God is so faithful to be supplying all my needs. He is supplying and providing for me in ways the world can not see or understand. I know I am not lacking any good thing! I know I have so many reasons to rejoice in the Lord always. The reasons to rejoice and to worship the Lord are not conditional and not based on circumstances. I give Him thanks simply because He knows me and I know Him and that is the most precious and treasured gift I could ever have!
We are called to put on the garments of praise. It is a decision and an act we must do.
Psalm 147:1 and Psalm 150:1-2; 6 "Hallelujah! It's a good thing to sing praise to our God; praise is beautiful, praise is fitting. Hallelujah! praise God in his holy house of worship, praise him under the open skies; praise him for his acts of power, praise him for his magnificent greatness. Let every living, breathing creature praise God! Hallelujah!
Tomorrow Eli has another appointment with his neurologist. Please be praying that it goes well and that Dr. Kojic has wisdom and discernment as she examines him. I want her to recognize anything that might be wrong but also I want her to know what things are not worth worrying about. I am excited to go see her with Eli tomorrow- I think she will be amazed at all he can do. I am hoping I will have good news to report back to you after his visit with her.
Saturday would have been AJ's 26th birthday. It chokes me up even to type those words right now. 26 is so young and I can't believe he is not here to celebrate his birthday with us. We will be celebrating his birthday- the day he was born and entered into this world is always one definitely worth celebrating. We will be celebrating the fact that he was able to have life. We will be celebrating his life on Saturday.
I know it will be a hard day. I am spending it with my husband AJ's mom, dad, brother (and his wife) and AJ's sister. We are also going to bury that other half of AJ's ashes. This will be a good thing for us to do- but I know it will be very hard. It will make AJ's death all the more final and absolute. We will hopefully be able to laugh a lot this weekend and have joy together. But I know we will also be missing AJ and missing that fact that he was alive and with us and laughing and joyful too.
I am glad we will all be able to be together this weekend. We will all be needing each other even more as we go through some of these significant events. I love AJ's family so much. I am so glad they are a part of who I am and that they will forever be my family no matter what else happens in my life. AJ's family is made up of some of the most amazing people I have ever known in my entire life. I respect all of them so much. It just breaks my heart to watch their hearts break. I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was a way I could take all their pain away and make it all better. I feel so helpless sometimes.
But I am very grateful to see how strong they are. They are doing a really good job and I am proud of them. I know we are all going to make it and be OK. I have hope because I know that God is providing for all of them just as He is providing me with the comfort and joy I need. I know we all serve the same God and He is equally good and faithful to all of us. I am thankful I can share these burdens with AJ's family. I am thankful we can all walk through this together.
In the same way I am thankful that I can entrust them to God and that I do not need to feel responsible for the state of their hearts. I am thankful that as I daily pray for them and give them to God that it is a work He does and not myself. I am thankful to be able to love them and pray for them and to try my best to meet them right where they are at. They have been so good at doing this for me. I want to be there for them in whatever way they need. I want to bless them and encourage them this weekend. I pray God uses me to love them and comfort them this weekend, even if it is just by me simply being with them.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Snaggle Tooth
I found another tooth in Eli's mouth yesterday! Here is how it all happened. I am feeling talkative so I will share the detailed version.
I fed Eli and was planning on giving him a bath after he ate. So I walked up the stairs but as I was doing that he spit up all over my jeans. He hasn't spit up for months so I was not expecting that at all. But we were already in bath-mode so my dirty jeans were going to have to wait till after Eli's bath.
Once in the bathroom I stood Eli up and took off his PJ's. Then it was time to take off his diaper. As soon as it was off he decided to pee pee- but he was standing up facing me! So as you can imagine I was all wet and unprepared to defend myself in Eli's line of duty. But it was all good- I sat there and laughed with Eli over the mess he'd made of my clothes in the past 5 minutes. He just smiled back at me with his snaggle tooth grin.
Eli had so much fun in the bath. I am finally having some victory in that area. It has been a major struggle for us to overcome together. But for the past few weeks he has been genuinely enjoying himself. He plays and laughs and seems to actually enjoy the water! Praise God for this! He might not be the 'smelly kid' in school afterall.
Eli enjoyed his bath so much that when I took him out and laid him on his towel to wrap him up and dry him off he began to protest clearly showing that he wanted to be back in the bath tub. When he opened his mouth to express his will I saw a new tooth in there! It is on the bottom in the middle of his mouth right next to his only other tooth. It is so cute and crooked. I love it!
Eli has also just begun to do his first hand sign. I have been doing sign language with him for a few months now but he has never responded or used it to communicate with me. But for the past few days now every time he finishes eating and I say "all done" and shake my hands he shakes his hand too back at me! I was so excited because this is his first way of really communicating.
He has also realized that he can wave at people. Whenever we say bye bye to him and wave he will wave back at us. This is so exciting- I know this means words are soon to come. His mind is really working and doing all the things it should be doing- what a miracle that I am so thankful for!!!
Eli is really enjoying his shadow. They are becoming fast friends. Whenever he is outside he looks for his new friend and giggles with delight upon finding him. He loves to wave hello to his new favorite friend. He is so much fun. I love watching his little personality begin to emerge- it is delightful.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The Vine and Branches
Last night I visited wonderful people in Gaithersburg, Maryland. They lived out in a more rural area with lots of beautiful open fields and natural landscape. After turning onto the long driveway that lead back to the house I saw an image of God's glory. It was a beautiful tree that was covered in purple flowers. I was struck by this tree and its grandeur.
After dinner I wanted to go see the tree up close. So I walked outside into the cold air. I felt the cold wet grass brushing my toes that were inappropriately covered with sandals. But I wouldn't have had it any other way. Nature was beautiful last night- ever part of it. I was so thankful to be able to enjoy it.
The image of this tree has been burned into my mind. I have been thinking about it all morning. Maybe it is silly to meditate on a tree, but that is what I have been doing. Through these thoughts God has reminded me of John 15:5-12. I opened my bible to hear what He had to say to me. I have been very moved by His words to me this morning.
Sunday, the sermon in church was on how God speaks to us. He shared a funny story about a time when he was at a concert and the rock star pointed at him and said something to him. He shared how proud that made him feel to know that the musician would even notice him much less have something to say to him. He then went on to say how God is the same way with us. He is like the rock star and He has something to say to us and we should be as excited to be graced with His words and attention as we are to get a wave from someone this world considers important and famous.
I feel like this today. I feel priviledged that God had something to tell me, that He cared to speak to me. The interesting thing is that He is always speaking to all of us. His word is alive and true and totally relevant to us everyday. His voice can be heard through it every time we open it up and go to Him to listen. He always has something to tell us and He always cares and notices us. Sometimes the problem is that I am not listening or searching to hear His voice. Sometimes I allow other things to get in the way of hearing His voice. My own pride or selfishness or busyness or agenda clouds my mind from being able to hear Him speak.
I am thankful this morning was different. I am thankful last night as I was starring at a tree, at His creation, that I could hear His voice. All creation cries out to Him and praises Him. I heard that through the tree last night.
As I walked closer to the tree I saw that it really wasn't the tree that was so beautiful. There was an enormous vine growing on a tall pine tree. The vine was so big that it completely had consumed the tree and covered it so all you could see was the vine and no longer the tree. I stood there quietly and starred at it and the intricacies of it all.
I was caught by how massive the bottom of the vine was. It was so strong and so powerful. It was secure in the ground, firmly rooted and established. It was perfectly capable of supporting all the branches that stemmed out from it. I was struck by how beautiful the fruit on the branches of that vine was. It was filled with glory and life that stemmed only from the vine.
I then thought about some of the blossoms that had fallen off onto the ground- they were beginning to wither and die. They were not capable of sustaining life on their own- they needed something greater; they needed the vine.
The fruit the branches bore was glorious. The color was more beautiful and vibrant than any color man could create. It was a beautiful purple so bright and true against the green leaves that stood behind it. The blossoms attest to the greatness of the vine itself. The fruit cannot take credit for it and neither can the branch for all the life and nourishment comes up through the vine- it is the only way.
John 15:5-12, "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you stay joined to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my father and remain in his love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you."
There is so much to these words. They are so deep and true- they are so right where I want to be! Likewise I want to bear fruit that brings glory to God. His love gives me life and I want to remain in His love. I want to show Him I love Him by obeying Him. To obey Him I must trust Him and trust that His commands are true and worthy to be followed.
God desires me to obey Him and remain in His love so I can be filled with His joy! What hope... what a beautiful promise and gift. He wants to share His joy with me. I can partake of His joy and be filled with it. I like the image of being filled with His joy. He doesn't just say I can have a little bit of His joy. He doesn't just say that I can receive His joy. He says I can be FILLED with His joy. I like to think of that as being filled all the way up to the top leaving no room for more!
He says my joy will overflow!!! That is such a great promise- I must obey Him and remain in His love for His desire is not to put legalistic limitations on me, but instead it is to fill me with His joy till it overflows! Wow! God wants that for me and He has told me so with His very own words.
The last sentence is equally powerful. 'I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you.' The love God has shown in the words preceding this line are great, generous and unselfish. It is a perfect love. God wants us to love each other in the same way.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Glory and Happiness Revealed
Whether it is the right thing to do or not- I feel the need to explain myself and some of my thoughts in my last blog. Some of the comments people posted were very hurtful to me. I realize that since they were posted by 'anonymous' they must be people who do not know me and did not know my love for AJ.
This seems so obvious that it is ridiculous to even have to say this but none the less I will say it. I loved AJ with my whole heart. I was devoted to him. I was ready to love him through everything- unconditionally. If he had been paralyzed by the accident or braindead I would have stayed by his side till the very end. No matter what I was his wife and that was the highest honor and privledge I have ever known. The love we shared was pure and strong. I knew AJ's heart and he knew my heart.
I adored AJ and served him. My goal and mission as his wife was to bless him and make him happy. His love for me was equally the same. He told me everyday that all he wanted was for me to be happy and that he would do whatever was possible for that to happen. This was evident to those that knew us together.
I never ever imagined I could take a breath with out him in my life. I never thought I'd have the desire or will to go on if he were to pass before me. I remember clearly driving home together one night less than a month before the accident. We were having a conversation about death. He was talking about the fact that we all will die someday and that it is just a fact of life and not a big deal. He was saying how he looked forward to finally being at his true eternal home with his God.
I remember I started crying so hard there in the car with him. I told him that I could not imagine life without him now that I had come to love him and depend him; now that we were one and he was a part of who I was. But his response again was very casual and very matter of fact. This was how AJ was. He had an eternal perspective and pointed me to the same end. I find that conversation very comforting in light of my present situation. Those words are words I will carry with me forever.
I have walked a long road. It has been ridiculously hard. I have wanted to run away. I have wanted to give up. But that was never possible- there was too much going against me failing. AJ's life and his love for me was against that. He constantly pointed me to God and challenged me to never give up. To give up would grieve his heart and disrespect him greater than anything else.
Of all people I think he would be the one encouraging me to continue living my life and working for the Kingdom of God. He would be saying 'come on Kellie what is taking you so long- life is short - get out there and live and do something. Do not look back at me- I will be here waiting for you when you get here. I am watching you and I am cheering you on- you can do it Kellie.' That is how AJ spoke to me on earth and I know those words are still resounding even after his death.
My love for AJ has not deminished and it never will. To move on does not mean I love him any less or that his life was or is any less important. I have said this before and I will say it again: my love for AJ is not justified by how hard I greive over him. I do not need to be a hero of love. I do not need to prove to anyone that I loved him. I know I loved him and I know he never doubted that and I am very secure in that. Yes, in a sense a chapter of my life is over. But it is a key chapter in my life. Just because we go through different seasons in our life it doesn't mean the former seasons are forgotten or meaningless.
I believe my heart and all the words I have written on this site honor AJ and honor God. Everything I write has been written very prayerfully and thoughtfully. When I said 'the glory that is coming and is to come from the result of AJ's death I think is greater than the glory that there could have been had he had the chance to live' a key word in this sentence is the word
result. The result of his death. There is already so much glory that God has received as a result of AJ's death- that is something so obvious that it can not be ignored. Life is not over and his death and our lives that shine God's faithfulness and hope will continue to speak and bring bright glory.
Do not misinterpret this statement. I never ever wanted AJ to die. I never thought this would have been something that would happen to us. I would have wanted to have the life that AJ and I had dreamed of having together. But this can't be. AJ did die and now I am faced with dealing his death and making decisions about how I will live my life from this point on. This statement about glory is true to me- I have to believe that. Maybe I believe it out of desperation and hope that God will redeem it. I have to believe that or I have nothing to cling to. I need to have this hope or life and God is senseless and meaningless and there is no point in making any effort.
When I wrote that I am happier than I have ever been, that too in no way belittles AJ or the love we shared or what he meant to me. This happiness comes from something I believe few people will ever know. This joy comes from walking desperately close to the lover of my soul. It is not a happiness that the world can give or replicate. It is only a joy that God can give and nothing can compare to it.
This happiness is not based on any circumstances; instead it is like what Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13, "Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
AJ would want me to be happy, he told me so everyday that we shared together. He is honored by me being able to say that I am the happiest I have ever been. He desired that for me and I know even in his death would want that for all of us, including me.
The joy, and maybe joy is a better word to describe what I am feeling than happiness, is a quiet peaceful joy. The Word says 'the joy of the Lord is our strength'. God is using joy to strengthen me and give me hope. This joy comes from knowing I am accomplishing something greater than I ever imagined, something that I can not accomplish on my own. It comes from truly knowing God is sufficient for me and knowing that He is in control. It comes from walking through this dark road and being able to still see the light. It comes from being comforted by the creator of comfort.
I believe this joy is very honorable to AJ and to God. There is nothing wrong with saying I am happier than I have ever been. I am not happy that AJ died! I am not happy about his death or my life that I am having to try to figure out now that he is gone. But that is just it! My happiness is not based on this world and the things of the world. My joy and peace and contentment and happiness comes from abiding with Christ. He is my vine and he gives me life. He lifts me up. He dries my eyes. He is always near. He is a faithful God. This is why I rejoice. There is nothing wrong with that.
