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Friday, April 29, 2005
God Can Handle Our Anger
I received a beautiful email today from a woman who is dealing with grieving the loss of a loved one. She asked me a bold question. She asked me if I was ever angry at God, if I ever wrestled with feeling angry and singled out. I welcomed her boldness and am thankful for the opportunity to address this aspect of grief. She said she has been reading my blogs looking for some anger in my writings but that she could not find it. I now see that this is something worth writing about.
My blogs are very raw. I am open and put my thoughts right out there for anyone to read. I am being very real in my writings. It has been a way for me to vent and make sense of the many emotions that I am experiencing. I am being me when I come to write here. I do not feel as though I need to sugar coat things or be strong for anyone. This is not a facade that I feel I must put on so people could look at me and think I am strong or special in any way.
I am simply stating what is true in my own life and heart. I am stating who God is to me and what He has done. I am declaring things that His word says are true. Often I am writing and being encouraged myself by His presence and spirit. I find myself being encouraged by the things I write and am saying them just as much for myself to hear as I am for anyone else. I do not write with any agenda other than to bring glory and honor to my God- the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
All that said- I have not chosen to avoid writing about the issue of being angry at God. I just have not ever been lead to write about it till now. But now it is time. So here are my thoughts on wrestling with feelings anger.
There is an intimacy with being open with God and coming to Him as you are. That is what He desires of us and that is where He promises to meet us- right where we are at. God desires us to be hot or cold. He wants us and our hearts. He does not want us to hold anything back from Him. Angry with Him or not He at least wants me to come. I need to give Him my broken heart if I want Him to touch it and bring healing.
I have been angry at God. I have yelled at Him, questioned Him and doubted Him. This is not a sign of weakness but instead I think it is a sign of being genuine and honest with myself and God. I remember times lying in bed to go to sleep at night or taking a shower or lying on the floor that I was crying so hard that it physically hurt and was paralyzing. But still I found no relief. I had so much anguish in my heart and there seemed to be no way to express it that was sufficient. I asked God 'why' over and over. I could not understand any of it and why this tragedy had happened.
But for the most part I have tried to discipline myself to quietly trust Him- realizing that He is God and I am not. As the scripture says, I will not concern myself with matters too great for me. I have tried to have faith like a child- a simple, unquestioning and unwavering faith. This is a spiritual discipline. There is nothing wrong with doubting God- it is important to be real with yourself and to express your emotion. But it is equally important to live by faith. That is what He calls us to. We need to recognize that we are not in control- but likewise take comfort that He really is in control. Hebrews talks a lot about faith- in particular Hebrews 11. Faith is essential to walking with God; to knowing Him and pleasing Him.
I had a huge revelation of the ways of God a few weeks ago as I was talking with a dear friend of my husband and I's about my husband's death. We were talking about being angry with God. She told me that in the weeks following the accident that she was very mad at God. One day as she was praying God showed her Jesus on the cross. He showed her that as He hung there He had no dignity. There was great shame in that moment. The people there, especially the ones that knew and loved Jesus did not understand what was going on and why this was happening. They doubted God because they could not perceive what He was doing and they could not comprehend His ways. He had lost His dignity.
But in all actuality that moment was the most glorious moment in all history. Christ and God had more dignity in that event than ever. But the people did not know what was going on. They did not see what God saw and they did not know His heart, plan or intentions. They could not see how glorious and justified Christ's death was. They could not conceive that it was God's perfect will, desire and plan. But His death was right and God was in control in that moment. Just because it was not evident to the world it did not mean it was not right.
Likewise, there was no recognizable dignity in AJ's death. I can not understand why he had to die at that moment in time while he was still so young. This was beyond me and my comprehension. But I find comfort and seeing it in this perspective of the cross. There was great dignity in Christ's death. God redeemed the world through that tragedy. AJ's death pales in comparison but still I am beginning to see that just because I don't understand God it doesn't mean that He is wrong and not sovereign or in control.
God is showing me how He is using AJ's death to bring Him glory. It had to be this way. For His perfect will and plan to come to pass this had to happen. I know in my own life and heart that this has forever changed me. I am thankful to know God in a deeper way than I ever thought possible. The joy I have from being in His presence and trusting Him is stronger than any joy I have ever known. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I know God will use me however He sees fit and I know He is and will redeem AJ's death.
I used to get very upset when people would tell me that God was sovereign and that this was His will and plan. That seemed like such a bunch of crock to me and like it was such a cliche'. I can't really describe it now- but I am in a different place. I have walked a long hard road and ended up in places that I never dreamed or expected I'd be. But it is good- richer than any life I had ever imagined.
We live in a fallen world, yes. There is sin and we must live with the consequences of that sin. That used to be my response to people about AJ's death. But that gives God no glory. He was in control. He was holding me and Eli. He knew this was going to happen before it ever did. He set many different things in place in preparation for this. He is being glorified in it and there is dignity in my husband's death. The glory that is coming and is to come from the result of AJ's death I think is greater than the glory that there could have been had he had the chance to live. It is not what I would have ever wanted or ever chosen- but God knows what is best and that is why He is God and I am not.
God is perfecting me and many others through this. Our time here is very short. We are vapor and God is forever. We have a race to run. Every statistic says I should be as dead as a door nob. I should not have survived the accident much less walked away from it unharmed- but God was in control. He saved my life. There was a time when I was not grateful for that but now I am thankful for each breath He has given me and I want to serve Him with all that I have and am.
Walking with God is not about my plan or what I think is best. He never promised that I would understand or agree with Him all the time- He has just simply asked me to follow Him and that is what I have chosen to do. That is what honors Him and I must honor Him. I was created to honor Him. That is why I have breath.
God's ways are higher than our ways. I have come to this point only by the grace of God. I am just as human as anyone else. I am far from perfect and I have a long way to go towards holiness. But I am walking and trusting in God. He is raising my low places and smoothing out the high places in me. The present state my heart is in is not something I can take any credit for. It is because of who God is and not because of who I am.
I will close this with sharing a few of the words I shared with the woman who emailed me today. My prayer is that they are an encouragement:
"I don't think living by faith is a form of denial either. It does not make our love for those who have passed on any less- it means we trust God and what His word says about Him- you know what that is and you know who He is. He has promised to give you a hope and a future; He has promised to give you more than you could ever ask or imagine- dare to dream or hope for. His thoughts for you are good and He longs to bless you. He is in control and He is God. His ways are higher than our ways which is why we can't always understand them. With that- we live in a fallen world and have to live with the consequences of sin.
I believe God shed the first tear when your son died. I know it broke His heart and it still is as He is watching you grieve. But that is even more why you can trust Him to give you all that you need- His grace is sufficient for you- that is a promise and that means- all the time. It doesn't say His grace is sufficient for you in the morning, or His grace is sufficient for you in the summer, or His grace is sufficient for you when you are at church- it is not conditional. Grace is free and undeserved. The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you. God has a huge fan club cheering you on. There is a cloud of witnesses rooting for you and your son is one of them now."
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Showers of Affection
God is good- all the time, and satan is bad- all the time. That is why we serve God ALL THE TIME!!!
I was moved beyond words yesterday as I met God on a 'date.' I started getting excited about being with Him the night before and that morning when I woke up I was filled with anticipation about the time we would share. I prepared my heart and myself, wanting to offer Him my best. I don't often do this with God- but I think it is essential and pleasing to Him to be so intentional with our time together. I desire to be even more excited than I currently am about being with Him. I want to be more intentional about setting up 'dates' with God. Times that I can give Him my undivided attention for however long He desires, times where I can adore Him and shower my affections on Him.
Yesterday those showers came in the form of weeping. I felt like the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears. I was loving on Him, but words were not sufficient. I was so moved and overwhelmed that I just sat there and cried. They were tears that were filled with love. They were happy tears coming from a heart that is blessed beyond all that I could ever ask or imagine, dare to dream or hope for- but His word promises these things for me. He is faithful to His word.
I felt challenged in my time yesterday to intercede for others. As I was doing that it was very evident that although I had good intentions to pray- I had no idea how to pray. I asked God to direct me as I prayed. I needed His wisdom and I wanted to pray in a way that honored Him. I want my intercessions for others to go deeper than just the basic surface needs and I often do not know what that looks like. I am praying that God will show me that and that He will use me and my obedience to at least come to Him with a heart that is submitted to Him and a desire to follow His lead.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Pull ups and Crunches
Beach season is here and that means it is time to get in shape. Eli is doing his best and working hard to be fit and look great in his bathing suit. His work out regimen includes doing tons of ab work...mainly crunches in his bouncer seat. But since he does not always have access to his bouncer he has become very good at adapting this exercise so he can still work these key muscles.
Eli wakes up in the morning and is excited to enjoy another new day. He greets the day by doing v-ups. These lovely exercises are performed by laying on your back and extending your arms above your head. Then you bring your arms and legs up into the air mainly using your abdominal muscles. This exercise is invigorating. It gives Eli the energy boost he needs to put some kick into his morning. This is what he uses instead of a cup of coffee- he has found this to have longer lasting results.
This afternoon he changed up his usual work out routine. Today he added pull-ups to the mix! I went in his room to check on him during his nap and I was so surprised at what I saw. I had laid Eli down in his crib on his back and left the room. Upon returning I found him standing up by the edge of his crib. I could not believe he had pulled himself all the way up all by himself! This was such a major milestone and accomplishment for him. I know this means he is only going to grow and change even faster now as he continues to discover all the capabilities of his muscles and limbs. It is so exciting to watch him explore.
Today during church Eli discovered that he had a shadow. This was so exciting for him. He began to shake his arm as if he was waving at the little boy on the ground. He kept looking at it watching to see how it changed whenever he moved.
Eli is wonderful and we have had some really great times this weekend. We are making memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Tonight he snuggled with me for over an hour. He was so happy and smiley with me- it was so sweet that it melted my heart. He is so precious. I am so thankful for his life. I am so thankful for my life and to have breath. I want to be faithful with each breath God has given me.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Just one great reason for me to rejoice in the Lord!
Rejoice in the Lord- ALWAYS
I went to Publix today which is a great grocery store near us. I had a smile on my face. The cashier asked me what I was so happy about. I told him that I had no reason not to be happy; that life is too short not to be happy. That response seemed to astound him.
As I pushed my cart out of the store I questioned whether I should have said more... said about the true joy I have that is from God and from life with Him. But I left confident that even with the few words we exchanged that I had said enough and that he knew that the joy I had was different than any joy this world could ever offer.
I came home and sat in the sunshine and enjoyed some quiet time while Eli was napping. I prayed some and then began reading the Bible. I was kind of doing a little 'channel surfing' in the Word- not sure what God was wanting to tell me today or where to read. I found myself in the early Psalms.
A few things I read really stood out to me so I want to share them and talk about them a bit. I so love that God's word is alive and always relevant, it is just another thing that amazes me about Him and His perfection.
Psalm 21:6, "You have endowed him with eternal blessings. You have given him the joy of being in your presence."
This word is so true of me. The blessings on my life are eternal and His promises for me will never end. The relationship I have with my God will last forever and it is in that relationship and from that relationship that all the blessings in my life originate from and overflow out of. God has truly given me the joy of being in His presence. That joy is the best and purest joy I have ever known. It is stronger than any drug and so addicting. I need Him and I need to be with Him. I need more of Him and I need His presence. My joy is from Him and from being with Him. I am so blessed!!!
I have the music playing loudly and the windows open here in my bedroom. I am listening to a great mix of loud praise songs. I call it my summertime mix. It is so good and so right where my heart is at. My heart is overflowing with love and joy for my Savior. I am so blessed and I just want to shout it out from a mountain top- at least I can sing about it loudly and praise Him with my whole heart.
One of my favorite things to do now is to drive around in my SUV with all the windows down and the sunroof open. I turn my praise music up very loudly and sing at the top of my lungs and praise God! I could care less about what the other people in their cars around me think. Hopefully they will see my joy and want that for themselves. Of maybe they look at me and laugh and think I am crazy- but at least I made them laugh and was able to give them some joy. It is a good thing. I like coming to God with complete abandonment- it is liberating.
God is so good to me. He has been so good to me. There is no one like our God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. What a mighty God we serve. He has truly made His face to shine down upon me and given me peace. It is a peace that passes all understanding and a joy unspeakable. It comes from deep inside of me.
I was thinking about how I told the man at Publix I had no reason not to be happy. The funny thing is that to the world I have tons of reason to be mad and angry and bitter. But in Christ I have all that I need and no reason not to be rejoicing- ALWAYS!!!
I have heard that in God's word, a command is a clue to what you are able to do. So in Philipians 4:4 when it says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" That is obviously something that is very reasonable and possible. The will of God will never lead to where the grace of God cannot keep you. If he commands us to rejoice in the Lord always than that is obviously something we are capable of doing and should do!
Let me leave you now with a Psalm that tells of what God has done for me. Psalm 18: 1-6; 16;19; 28-36;49.
"I love you Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold. I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, for he saves me from my enemies. The ropes of death surrounded me; the floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears. He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. Lord, you have brought light to my life; my God, you light up my darkness. In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? God arms me with strength; he has made my way safe. He makes me as surefooted as a deer, leading me safely along the mountain heights. He prepares me for battle; he strengthens me to draw a bow of bronze. You have given me the shield of your salvation. Your right hand supports me; your gentleness has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations; I will sing joyfully to your name."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
II Chronicles 16:9
"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully commited to Him."
Thursday, April 14, 2005
MRI Results
Eli's results from the MRI on his brain are in and they are good- so good!
The neurologist, Dr. Kojic, said that it was even better than she expected. She said he had improved greatly over his last MRI. She didn't see any thing to be concerned of. She did say she wanted to do another MRI in November to continue to monitor his progress closely.
Eli will still have to stay on his medicine 2 x's a day- that is not related to the outcome of his MRI.
I am so thankful for this good news! It is such a miracle and one I think even Eli's doctors can't ignore. God is so good and Eli is such a strong little man. He has fought hard and not ever given up. God has been gracious enough to come and give him a complete and total healing. He has turned ashes into beauty!
Isaiah 61:3, "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory."
Thank you Lord for all the truth in this scripture. Thank you for healing my son. Thank you for being my God!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Good Enough for Me
"They honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me."
This scripture is in the bible in many different places (Isaiah 29:13; Mathew 15:8; Mark 7:7). It is a word that I have been meditating on for the past few days. What does this mean and God, am I doing this to You?
It is easy to talk about something, but it is another thing to act on it and do something. I want to live a life of integrity. I want what I say and do to line up.
I have been praying about this scripture ever since God put it on my heart. I have been asking God to help me honor Him with my whole heart. I have been asking Him to give me wisdom to know how to do that and what it looks like. I want to move beyond mearly talking about God and telling Him He is great and that I love Him.
I want that intimate adoration to go even deeper. I want to have a heart that is steadfast to Him in communion with Him. I need Him and I want to need Him even more. I don't ever want to be satisfied with the depth of our love- I want to always want more of Him and to be closer to Him. This is something I long for and pray for.
I have been studying Acts lately. It is an amazing book but one that has always intimidated me. I have never spent much time there until now. I am realizing how much depth there is in that book and how much I have yet to uncover- I have so much to learn. I only realize that even more as I learn more.
In Acts 7 Stephen is giving an amazing reply before the high council to accusations that were not true about him. Through out his reply he talks a lot about Moses and the exodus. In verse 40-41 he says; "Make us some gods who can lead us, for we don't know what has become of this Moses, who brought us out of Egypt. So they made an idol shaped like a calf, and they sacrificed to it and rejoiced in this thing they had made."
This passage is huge. It shows me how important it is to simply trust God and not question His ways or His authority. He had a plan and it was perfect- but the people could not see that because they didn't understand it. So they decided they needed to take matters into their own hands. They decided to reject God's plan and follow their own plan. They made a new God and they sacrificed to that and replaced the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
It also shows me the danger of pride. The last line of the scripture says they 'rejoiced in the thing they had made.' They took pride in it and were proud of themselves and how good they were. They were proud that they could be as good as God. But then in verse 42 read what happened, "Then God turned away from them." God was hurt and rejected by them so He turned from them. It did not mean He didn't love them, on the contrary He was so jealous over them that He could not even stand to look at them loving another god instead Him.
I want to come to God to love and serve Him alone. I want to rejoice in Him and worship Him whether I understand His ways or not.
In verse 48-50 it says, "However, the Most High doesn't live in temples made by human hands. As the prophet says, 'Heaven is my throne, and earth is my footstool. Could you ever build me a temple as good as that?' asks the Lord. 'Could you build a dwelling place for me? Didn't I make everything in heaven and earth?"
God is greater than us and His works are greater than our works can ever be. Nothing we can create will every compare to the things He creates; the things formed by His hand. We can not take our matters of circumstances or relationships into our own hands. If we do, it will not ever compare to the awesomeness of what He can create for us. His ways are perfect and good and so much higher than our own ways. Just because we might not understand His ways it doesn't make them any less good and holy and right.
I want God to be enough for me and I want Him to be
good enough for me. In verse 53 it says, "You deliberately disobeyed God's law, though you received it from the hands of angels." I want to obey and accept God's will and plan for my life. His ways are perfect and He presents things to us in the most perfect ways even though we might not recognize it at the time. I want Him to simply be enough for me.
I was talking about all these thoughts with someone dear to me and we came to an interesting thought. We started looking at Jesus' temptations in the wilderness. It seems as though the 3rd temptation was really about accepting God for who He is and knowing that He is good enough and that His ways are perfect.
In Luke 4: 9-12 it is written, "Then the Devil took him to Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, 'If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the scriputres say, 'He orders his angels to protect and guard you. And they will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.' Jesus responded, 'The scriptures also say, 'Do not test the Lord your God."
I don't think I will ever be tempted in this exact scenario. But I am tempted to test the Lord and to doubt His ways and His sovereignty. I think this was what was tempting to Jesus as well. But He was victorious and knew God was enough for Him and that His ways were perfect. He quietly and confidently trusted God and His ways. He did not doubt and He knew He did not need to test God to have the goodness of His ways proven to Him.
I want God to be my beginning and end, my everything. I want to honor Him with my lips and with my whole heart; simply and confidently. His ways and His will are perfect. He is good enough for me.
Isaiah 32:17, "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."
Righteousness= right standing with God= being right where God has you and wants you to be= being with Him= peace, quietness and confidence forever!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Intervarsity Talk
Here are the thoughts I prepared to share at UNF: AJ died 5 months ago. I have written a lot since his death, but I have never written down my story until now. It is hard to know what to write or where to begin. I am praying that God leads me to say what needs to be said.
After being airlifted with my son Eli to the hospital I laid there in the hospital bed for what seemed like the longest hours of my life waiting to hear how my husband AJ was. I knew we all had just been in a bad car accident but I didn't really know how bad it was. I knew I was ok and I figured Eli was going to be ok too. Since AJ was not in the helicopter with us I had no idea what condition he was in or where he was at.
As I was waiting and having many different tests performed on my body to see if everything in me was as it should be I was praying. I knew deep inside that something was very wrong. I felt like my prayers were not necessary, that whatever was would be as it was.
I will never forget the moment the hospital chaplain came and stood at the foot of my bed. Her face was stone cold- showing no emotion what so ever. She looked at me and told me that my husband was killed instantly in the car accident at 6:48 pm. She went on to give me a few more details on how he died and that he did not feel any pain.
My response to her; the only words I could manage to get through my quivering lips were truly out of the wellspring of my heart. I told her, "God is good and Jesus is Lord." Then I broke down weeping and she left the room. I was now faced with something too great for me to handle on my own. The only option I saw was turning to Christ and running into His embrace as fast and hard as I could. That is exactly what I did.
I was able to share this story of how I heard the news of AJ's death at the service celebrating his life. Those words and the solid truth in them that God is good and Jesus is Lord is what has carried me this far. That truth will carry me through my entire life- I will live victoriously all my days with that at the core of my being.
Yes, it is grace from God to see His goodness and to be able to declare it in the face of terrible tragedy. It was only by His grace that I could praise Him moments after hearing words everyone dreads, that a loved one has died. I could not have done any of this on my own- apart from him. I am so weak, but His strength has proven to be perfect in my weakness.
Likewise, I know that if I had not been faithful to seek Him when all was well in my life and when things were simple and good I would not have had any faith to carry me when my entire life came crashing down in an instant. It was impossible for me to focus at all. I could not read or study God's word because the grief was so thick that it was clouding my mind. But God's word sustained me because it was hidden in my heart. It was flowing through me and giving me hope. I knew who God was and my entire life was based on Him. He was and is my solid Rock of Ages!
God carries me gently in His arms. But had our relationship not been strong before all this happened I do not think I would have been able to trust myself in His arms. I would not have known that I would be safe there. I would not have been able to trust them to hold me. I would not have recognized the comfort they held for me. I wouldn’t have been able to find rest in that familiar place.
Christ has given us this example of seeking the Father when life is simple. Jesus was a child and a carpenter. His ministry did not begin until he was 30 years old. I am certain in those first 30 years of his life he spent a lot of time abiding with his Father. He stayed close to His heart. He spent a lot of time in prayer and studying His word. He sought Him simply to know Him and be known by Him because He loved Him.
In Luke 4:1 it says, "Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit was lead by the spirit to go out into the wilderness." In the wilderness Jesus was tempted by the devil. This was a hard and testing time for Jesus. He was able to be victorious because he had prepared for such a time as this. He knew the scriptures and He used that to be victorious in the wilderness. He overcame this hard trial.
It is interesting how Luke words verse 14: "Then Jesus returned to Galilee, in the power of the Spirit." When he left for the wilderness he was full of the Holy Spirit, but after overcoming victoriously in the wilderness he was filled with the Holy Spirit's power. He was then ready to begin his ministry, continuing with verse 14 and through verse 15, "Soon he became well known throughout the surrounding country. He taught in their synagogues and was praised by everyone."
Jesus has showed us by example the importance of being prepared for any situation. We need to seek God now for such a time as this. He is faithful to provide all that we need. He is faithful to make us who He wants and needs us to be as we submit to Him.
My entire life and my home were snatched away from me in an instant. I was left alone, homeless at the age of 21 with a 3 1/2 month old baby boy. But God showed me where my true home was. I felt at home in His arms. I was at home as I was abiding in Him in the vine which gives me life. He showed me I had a family and a place of belonging that transcends time and place. He grafted me into Him and adopted me into His own family. This truth gives me great comfort and sustained me through intense loneliness.
God did more than just provide a spiritual home for Eli and I. He has given us the privilege of living with my husband's parents in Orlando, FL. This has proven to be such a good thing for all of us. This season has been so rich. We have grown a lot together and learned lots about love and grace. It has helped me to watch them grieve and to see how they are handling their own emotions. It has helped to have people around me who understand how bad it hurts to miss AJ and who miss him too, probably even more than I do. It has been wonderful to talk with them and to watch how God is comforting and sustaining them. I am encouraged by seeing God's faithfulness to them.
I could be so bold to say that God is making the impossible easy for me. He is that good! He is blessing me greatly. He is giving me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. He is proving Himself to be faithful in so many ways. I am filled with an indescribable joy and peace that passes all human understanding. I love God more now than I ever have. I feel closer to Him and like our relationship is more intimate than it has ever been.
The amazing thing is that God did not have to do any of this for me. He did not have to prove himself to me. He is God and I should love Him because of that simple fact. But He is so good that He makes it easy to love Him. I want to love Him for who He is and not for what He can give me- that is my desire.
C.S. Lewis challenges me on page 68 of A Grief Observed, which is a book he wrote shortly after the death of his wife. He says, "If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all."
The power of making God our end instead of our means to an end was proven to me 3 nights after AJ died. This was the hardest night of my entire life. I had 3 days for the reality of AJ's death to settle into my mind. In addition, my son Eli was in very poor condition. He was in the pediatric intensive care unit. He had been having multiple seizures and strokes. He had suffered a traumatic brain injury and as a result he had bleeding on his brain.
That day Eli had a lot of tests performed on him. I was fellowshipping at AJ's parent's house with friends and family who were there to show support. I had been awaiting news all day on the results of Eli's tests. That night I received a phone call from the doctor with very bad news. She said Eli's prognosis was that if He was lucky he might walk someday, but that he has suffered major brain trauma and will probably be brain damaged the rest of his life.
Again God was gracious to my heart. I declared His strength out of my mouth. Through tears I said that I knew we would make it and that God would help me take care of Eli no matter what condition he was in.
I shared the results of the tests with everyone in the house. AJ and I's pastor from our church in Jacksonville was there visiting that night. He lead us all to worship the Lord and declare who He is. Pastor Stovall did not say we needed to pray for Eli or focus on his health in any way. No, instead we took our eyes off of the situation and focused on God and praised Him for His goodness. All together that night, we each in our own voices with our own words simultaneously loved on our God. It was so powerful. It was one of the richest things I have ever experienced. God met us there and gave us all so much peace.
The next morning when I went to visit Eli he was dramatically different. He had begun to eat again for the first time since the accident. He had a bad cut on his face that had completely vanished. From then on he continued to improve. He has not had any seizures since the night we worshiped the Lord. Eli has made a complete recovery and is now expected to be completely normal, although I think he is going to be even better than normal!
It is amazing that when we made God simply our end and came to Him to love Him instead of to get something from Him that He honored that so much. I have since been greatly convicted to love God and come to Him just to be with Him and to adore Him simply for who He is and not for what He can give me. I think it shows Him that I trust Him when I come to Him simply to abide with Him. It shows Him that I know He will supply all my needs, that I trust Him for that, so instead of telling Him my wish list I am going to simply tell Him I love Him and how great I think He is.
God desires us. He desires to be with us.
I am reminded of the story of Mary and Martha. I will briefly remind you all of the story. Mary and Martha are visited by Jesus to their home. Martha is very busy the whole time trying to being the perfect hostess to Jesus. She is busy cooking and cleaning and doing things for Jesus. Mary on the other hand is simply sitting at Jesus' feet. She is listening and enjoying simply being with Jesus. Martha gets upset with Mary for not helping her out and accuses her to Jesus. Jesus responds in a surprising way. He says what Mary is doing is of much greater worth to Him and pleased him much more.Mary is investing in her relationship with Jesus where as Martha was focusing on serving Jesus. Jesus desires simply to be with us. I once heard some one say we are called to be human "beings" not human "doings". That is so true and this story exemplifies that fact. God wants us to come and sit at his feet and 'be' with Him.
Yes, it is good to do things for God. But we shouldn't get so busy serving Him that we never give Him what He wants most- that is ourselves. He wants time with us. He wants to be with us. He wants to abide in us. His love for us is passionate and strong. This is particularly evident in Zechariah 8:2, "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Mount Zion is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Jerusalem!"Now this time re-read that verse and replace it with your own name. For me it would read- "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Kellie is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Kellie." This statement would be true for all of God's children- if it is true for a nation then it is true for His child and if it is true for me then it is true for you as well.As I have feelings of doubt and discouragement- which is usually a daily occurrence- I can fall back on this word. God is faithful. I feel like Hannah does in her prayer of praise in 1 Samuel 2:2, "No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."I desire an unshakable faith. That is a process and not something that can happen overnight. For now my faith is shaken and will continue to be. But as long as I keep coming back to God and take every thought captive to His word my faith will become stronger. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. The way my mind is renewed is by washing it and filling it with God's word and His truth. I will be whole and I will have a faith that can't be shaken. It might not be until I am joined with my Father in heaven- but it will happen. Even though I can only see a dim light today, tomorrow it will be a little brighter and I will recognize it a little better if I am faithful today to draw near to it.
My challenge to you today is to draw near to Him. Be unpretentious with God. Seek to be with Him just because you want to hear the passion that beats through His heart. Draw near because you love Him and want Him to know that. He is calling you and wants to be known by you.
All of us here are in different places in our lives. But God is the same yesterday, today and forever and He is faithful to meet us just as we are wherever we are at. Simply come as you are into the warm embrace of your Savior. As it says in Zephaniah 3:17, "For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song." Let God do this for you, let Him rejoice over you. Seek Him now, the time is now. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today.
My story is not nearly over. It is only beginning. God's plan is always so exciting. I am glad to be walking with Him and to see where His hand and will are going to lead me. I trust Him and I know He is faithful to finish the good work He has begun. I am never letting go of His hand- that is the only place I am safe. That is the only place I want to be. His hand has lead me into the wilderness and His hand has lead me into blessings. He is a faithful God!
This Psalm echoes my heart beautifully. Psalm 30:1-5; 11-12. "I give you all the credit, God- you got me out of that mess, you didn’t let my foes gloat. God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down and out. All you saints sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give ways to days of laughter. You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough."
Monday, April 04, 2005
Brain MRI
Eli had a brain MRI last Friday. This was a hard day for us. We woke up at 4:30 am so Eli could eat. He had to eat then because he was not allowed to eat for the rest of the day. We usually sleep in till 9:00am so this was much earlier than either of us are used to waking up.
I had a lot on my mind so I was not able to fall back asleep. Eli is not used to sleeping after he eats so he never fell back asleep either. So, all that said- it was a very early morning.
We arrived at the hospital and got admitted. Eli had to go under full anesthesia for the procedure. He also had to have some lab work done on his blood. An IV was the best way to do all of this. They began trying to find ELi's vain for the IV. They were unsuccessful 8 different times. Finally they used gas to put him to sleep and once he was calm they were able to put the IV in his little hand.
It is so sad though because he has pokes all over his little body and everywhere they tried to stick him he now has a bruise! That must have hurt him so bad. I felt awful for him.
He did great for his MRI. We will not know any of the results until the end of this week. I am hoping for it to be completely normal.
I am leaving this afternoon to go up to Jacksonville. I am speaking at Intervarsity at UNF. I am very excited about this time to share my story. I have never done anything like this before- I hope it goes well. I have been praying a lot about the time and what to share. It is neat because most of the people there are close to my age so I think they will be able to relate with who I am.
Things have been busy here around the house. We have had it filled with workers cleaning and restoring the damages from the fire. Everything is beginning to look better- but we are all looking forward to having our house back to ourselves. I am glad that it is getting clean though- the smell is finally not bad anymore.
Once it is all clean then the entire kitchen will be ripped out and redone. The walls will also have to be repainted. So this fire has caused quite a project for us. The Buffington lives are always filled with adventure- never a dull moment here with us. But it is fun and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am so thankful to be here. It is so good to live in this home. God has given us all so much grace for each other. I am learning so much about love during this season. I am thankful to have this time to learn from Barb and Carl- I respect them so much. They have so much wisdom and so much to offer me. This season has been so rich. It has been hard, but in the midst of it all we are living with true genuine joy together. We are making many wonderful memories together. I know that once this season is over with me living here with them, that we will all look back on this time as being very special.
They will always be my family. Death will not and did not separate us from that truth. I thankful that God is continuing to knit our hearts. I am thankful that we have this time to be together and to love each other through very hard times. I am so content with my life, it is good. This is a gift from God. I am thankful for all of the wonderful gifts He has given me and is giving me. He is so good.
