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Monday, February 28, 2005
We had a major victory tonight. Eli finally really enjoyed his bath. I decided to try bathing Eli in the sink for the very first time. He loved it so much. He was laughing and playing the whole time. He splashed so much. I was soaked- but it was so worth it. We had so much fun tonight in the bath. He even didn't mind getting his hair rinsed as much as usual. For now I will keep bathing him in the sink- since I have found something that works well for us.
The Microscope
Carl was preaching yesterday like he usually does. His sermons always bless me. But you know how when you are in church and you are listening to the sermon and you are interested in what the preacher is saying, you are trying to focus but still your mind begins to wander and drift? That was happening to me on Sunday.
A lot of times in those moments I feel like God reveals things to me. It is kind of like taking what the pastor is saying one step deeper and showing me a greater meaning.
Yesterday Carl was talking about Jesus- a lot of pastors talk about Him on Sundays. Here are some of my thoughts on Jesus. These barely scratch the surface- but it is what I was contemplating during church on Sunday.
I believe Jesus is Lord, that He is God and that the only way to get to heaven is through Him- by simply believing in Him and confessing that truth.
We have all seen the silly round black and yellow smiley face with the words Jesus loves you written below it. I know that is a funny juvenile image- but it is so seriously true. Jesus is Love. Jesus does love you and me and everyone. I think christian pop-culture and marketing has really watered down the validity of those words. But seriously it is so true and it is a truth we need to know down deep into our bones and into the core of who we are. He loves us enough to die for us. He suffered for us. He bore all of our pain. He bore every temptation and still resisted and still was perfectly victorious.
I think I can confidently say that we all know how hard it is to resist temptation. I know I have been tempted so greatly sometimes that it physically hurts to resist it. I am not perfect and I have fallen many times and I will continue to fall. I know there are times I have been able to overcome and resist the temptations that come before me but that is only because of the grace that has been given to me. That is only because my eyes are fixed on Christ and I desire to please Him.
But Jesus- he resisted every single time! That is amazing. He never ever fell. I am sure he was tempted far great then I ever was or will be- he had a lot more at stake if he were to fall. But he was strong and stood firm. He was perfect.
As Carl was talking I put myself in Jesus' place. Here we all are learning about Jesus. We study Him, we read His words, we hear stories about Him. We take them and look at them from every single angle. We analyze everything we have on Jesus. He is constantly under a big microscope.
Now imagine you were in that place and that millions of people were treating you in the same way. I would hate to have every word that I ever said scrutinized. I would hate to have stories about me told and criticized. I would be far from perfect. I would think that the stories would only point out my imperfections and would prove to show just how human and fallen and unglorious I truly am.
Here is the amazing part: for Jesus it does the exact opposite. As we learn more about Jesus He only grows more glorious. The more we know about Him the more we realize how awesome He was. We see how great His love is. It is obvious how strong He was and that He truly was perfect and without any fault. That is amazing.
Only Jesus could pass a test like we all give Him constantly. Only Jesus will never fail us. He has promised to never forsake us. He lived with passion and died with passion. He is the lover of our souls. He is perfect and truly worthy to be gloried. None other can compare to Him. He is matchless and He is so great. He is worthy of all our praise.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Words of Affirmation
Today Barb came to talk to me as I was getting ready to go out for the day. Her words really blessed me. She told me that I was doing a really good job with Eli. She said I am a great mom and that she was very proud of me. She said that over the past few days that she had really been wanting to share that with me but just never got around to saying it so she knew that she could not let another day go bye with out sharing those words with me.
I have been in Barb's shoes before and I know it is sometimes awkward to share a compliment with someone. It is even harder when you know it will make them and you emotional. I have, like her, put it off- sometimes to the point of never telling them what I really wanted to say. Now, being on the flipside of the situation and receiving the compliment it makes me realize how important it is to share my thoughts with others- especially if I know it will encourage them. It is selfish of me to want to avoid being emotional and uncomfortable around someone else.
I was very touched by what Barb said. We both were crying, here I am getting emotional now just thinking about how much her words meant to me. I respect Barb so much as a mother, as a wife and as a women of God. I respect her opinion of me. The part that made her words have the most weight was when she said she new that AJ would be feeling the same way about me too. She knew he would be proud of me. That really got me... and is still getting me now.
I guess why I am writing all this is to say to you and to myself that life is too short to be reserved. If we put off sharing feelings with someone- we might never get the chance to tell them, or it might be beyond the point when they needed to hear those words. But if we are obedient to the leadings of God on our heart, our words can be used in mighty ways.
What Barb didn't know is that God used her to answer my prayers. For the past 3 days I have been having a lot of doubt. I have been doubting my ability to be a good mom, doubting my strength to do this alone- without my husband and Eli's father, and doubting the decisions I was making as I was leading Eli. I know that I do not always know what is right- but I am trying my best.
I seek God every morning and ask Him for grace and wisdom with Eli. I pray that I am faithful to Him with the precious gift and task He has given me of being Eli's mother. I know very well that apart from Him I can do nothing and that includes being Eli's mom; being a good mom. I want to honor God with every moment that I have with Eli.
So as I have doubts- which I know are not from God, I have been trying to be diligent to take them to the Cross of Christ. I have been washing and renewing my mind in His word. I have been asking God for direction and encouragement. I have been asking God to affirm me as a mother. I often ask God if I make Him proud.
In Hosea 11:4 it says, "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them."
This scripture is a beautiful image of God and how He works to supply all of our needs. One profound thing to me in this verse is that it shows that God works through humans. He leads us with cords of
human kindness. That implies that we as humans need to be obedient to Him to be used. God can only do so much with out our cooperation- for the rest, He needs us to obey and then He will use us.
He desires to use us; He needs to use us to accomplish His work. Think of the people you know that could be lead by God's kindness and love if you allow God to use your voice and your words to encourage them.
I think so often we cry out to God and we ask Him to answer us and speak to us but we look in the wrong places to hear His voice. He can always be heard through His word. His word is alive and He is always speaking through it to us. But most often His voice is not some great cosmic mystical happening. His voice often comes in the form of a friend, a relative or even a stranger. He uses those around us to speak to us and share His heart with us.
This realization is very convicting to me. I want to be obedient to God and ready to be used by Him. I want to encourage those that God has put in my life and be used by Him to share His heart with them. I want to be obedient just as Barb was obedient today- I know what a blessing that can be. Through Barb's obedience God answered my prayer and encouraged me. I know it was Barb's voice- but behind that was an even greater voice; a voice I was longing to hear.
Don't pass up the opportunities that God sets before you to speak to others. Life is just too short. We should not leave for tomorrow what can be accomplished today because we don't know what will happen tomorrow and what is needed today.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Here is Eli tolerating his bath.
Does Popeye Like to Take Baths?
Does Popeye like to take baths? I know he was a sailorman so he obviously enjoyed being near the water- but what about in the water?
Eli is my little 'Popeye'- that is my new name for him. Recently I have been trying my hand at making my own babyfood for Eli. It has been a success- much easier than I originally expected. I have made apples, carrots, broccoli, peaches, peas and spinach for him.
Today I offered him the spinach for the very first time. He was absolutely crazy about it. he loved it so much! I could hardly get the spoon out of his mouth before he was opening his mouth asking for more- it was so fun. The whole time I was telling him that he was going to grow big and strong muscles like Popeye because he was eating his spinach. I would have never guessed that spinach would be his favorite food- he and Popeye must certainly have something in common.
The thing Eli really does not like is taking a bath. He protests it from the moment I bring him into the bathroom. He must have a bad association. I think I know why he fears it so much though- actually it is quite a funny story.
Ever since Eli's umbilical chord fell off and I could give him real baths, I have been bathing him in the big adult bathtub by getting in there with him and holding on my lap during the bath. Two weeks ago I felt it was time to stop getting inside the tub with him. He can sit up very well on his own now so I didn't think he needed my assistance anymore. Plus I thought he would enjoy actually getting to splash and play with his toys in the tub. I was geared up for him to have so much fun.
I had never bathed a baby that young in a bathtub before. Let me just say some motherly instincts are natural- and others are not! I did so many things wrong- but I just didn't know any better- it was my first time.
So we were visiting our good friends Shaun and Katie McDonnell (
http://www.mcdonnellplace.com/ ) in Jacksonville. They have a 2 year old and a 8 month old. Since they have an older child they have a lot of bath toys. Katie usually stores them all in a big bucket but the day I bathed Eli there she put the toys in something else and left the bucket empty by the tub.
So here I am bathing Eli in the bathtub by himself for the first time. It came time to rinse his hair out. All had gone well up to this point and he was having fun in the water. I wasn't sure how to rinse out his hair but when I saw the bucket I figured it was there because that was what Katie used to rinse out her own children's hair.
So I proceeded confidently to fill up the large bucket to the top with water. I held it up over Eli's head and dump- it all came out in a fraction of a second. It was a huge rush of water all over his little body.
Eli started screaming. He was so discombobulated. He had no idea what had just happened to him- but whatever it was he knew he did not like it one bit. I felt so bad. The bath ended at that moment. I rushed with a towel and scooped him up. I cuddled him and apologized. I knew I had messed up and I felt so bad. Honestly I did not know any better- I didn't know the best way to rinse the shampoo out of his hair- but that obviously was not it!!!
So from then on he screams at the sound or site of water unless it is in a sippy cup. I am trying to be extra nice and gentle with him during his baths. We sing songs, I splash with him and we play with his bath toys. He has just begun to tolerate it a little- but he is still far from enjoying himself during this regular duty we have to go through in his routine.
Hopefully he will begin to enjoy his baths soon. Taking a bath is a fact of life- it is something we all must do. I don't want Eli to be the 'smelly' kid in school. I will try to give him a new good association with a bath- it will take time to rebuild his trust in that area.
Even though I felt awful for doing this to him- I still had to laugh about it too. I know I will have a lot of stories to put in this mistake category as Eli grows up. Mistakes aren't all that bad as long as I learn from them. I am learning everyday more about being a mom. There is just so much I don't know- wow! Just as I teach Eli everyday, he teaches me daily too.
Let me share just one more funny Eli story with you. The other day Barb, Carl, Eli and I all went to the hotdog joint by our house. My hot dog came in a basket lined with paper. We got a big basket of fries to share between us too. I filled my own empty basket with tons of ketchup because I love ketchup.
Eli was sitting in his highchair beside me. Well, as soon as I picked up my hotdog Eli grabbed my paper basket lining. As soon as he grasped it he was so proud of himself. When ever he grabs an object he then proceeds to excitedly shake it vigorously. He began doing this with the paper but there was a major problem- my paper was filled with ketchup.
Oh what a disaster! Barb, Carl and I were all rushing to bring the situation under control and minimize the mess. It wasn't long before things settled down. Then we were able to enjoy our hotdogs and curly fries.
I guess now it is time to make sure the only things within Eli's reach are his own toys. He is getting so dexterous and quick- I really have to keep my eye on him now. I love him so much though- he is just such a tremendous blessing. I am so proud that he is my son.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Generation Ex
"If we ever doubt the depth of God's longing for us, we need only to consider that the blood His Son shed is the crimson love that made our adoption possible. God in three persons provides the supportive family we idealize. God, our Father and Creator, walks before us. All that we will experience is already known toHim. Jesus, our Savior and Friend, walks beside us. He is our constant companion. The Holy Spirit, our Comforter and Encourager, walks behind us. He intercedes on our behalf. All around us are our siblings, our brothers and sisters in the family of God, sharing in both our sorrows and successes." ~Jen Abbas, Generation Ex, page 195.
A good friend recommended me to read Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain. My initial reaction was that the timing was all off for me to be reading a book about my parents divorce. But I felt very compelled and drawn to reading it. Through out the process of going from the front cover to the back cover I realized why that was the book I needed to be reading right now. It was an amazing book. It touched on so many points I am dealing with currently.
My dad came to AJ and I the day we got home from our honeymoon and told us that he and mom were separating- again. They had done this many times before- but he said this was the last time; that it was a final separation. In the months that followed they went their separate ways and the divorce became finalized. So here I was a newly wed, an adult and facing the divorce of my parents.
There were all kinds of emotions that I stifled in those days. At the time I was focusing on my own marriage and the excitement of our honeymoon phase of love. I did not want to acknowledge these other feelings. Now today, my emotions are so raw, everything is at the surface- including this. I want to be completely healed, completely free and completely whole. I know this is what God wants for me too.
This book explained a lot of things for me- like why I react in certain ways, why I am scared of certain things and why I have some of the tendancies that I do with other people. It was a very helpful book.
It also was very helpful for me in regards to grieving over AJ. It talked a lot about grief. It talked about grieving over the loss of a family and the loss of a home. I have lost both twice now. I lost my childhood home and family and now the home and family AJ and I established. Including that, I realized that these emotions and questions are things Eli will probably have some day. Now I am more equipped to handle those times with him as well. It was hopeful and encouraging.
The book reiterated the power of Christ and His redemption. It made evident that we are a part of the Family of God and that we do belong somewhere. It reaffirmed that we should derive our identities from Christ. That we should base our wholeness and our acceptance on what He says about us.
As I was reading the Word yesterday God kept showing me that He loves me and you with a fierce love and an unquenchable passion. This was parituclarly evident in Zechariah 8:2, "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Mount Zion is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Jerusalem!"
Now this time re-read that verse and replace it with your own name. For me it would read- "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Kellie is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Kellie." This statement would be true for all of God's children- if it is true for a nation then it is true for His child and if it is true for me then it is true for you as well.
As I have feelings of doubt and discouragement- which is usually a daily occurrence- I can fall back on this word. God is faithful. I feel like Hannah does in her prayer of praise in 1 Samuel 2:2, "No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."
I desire an unshakable faith. That is a process and not something that can happen overnight. For now my faith is shaken and will continue to be. But as long as I keep coming back to God and take every thought captive to His word my faith will become stronger. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. The way my mind is renewed is by washing it and filling it with God's word.
I will be whole and I will have a faith that can't be shaken. It might not be until I am joined with my Father in heaven- but it will happen. Even though I can only see a dim light today, tomorrow it will be a little brighter and I will recognize it a little better if I am faithful today to draw near to it.
I will close with this word of encouragement from the great Encourager himself:
Zechariah 8:6-8, "This is what the Lord Almighty says: All this may seem impossible to you now, a small discouraged remnant of God's people. But do you think this is impossible for me, the Lord Almighty? This is what the Lord Almighty says: You can be sure that I will rescue my people from the east and from the west. I will bring them home again to live safely in Jerusalem. They will be my people, and I will be faithful and just toward them as their God."
We are His people and we all have a home and a place of belonging. I need to know this- I need to believe this and I need it to be true. He has promised to each and every one of us here that He will be faithful and just toward us as our God. That sure puts fire, drive and motive in me to continue on even though I am discouraged. It sure keeps me believing and walking through all things- good/bad, happy/sad- everyday and in everyway.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Happy birthday Eli Jones. (This is also your first time ever feeling grass- it is pretty cool stuff huh? God made that too just like He made you.)
7 months old
Eli is 7 months old today. That might not sound like it is a big deal to you. But for me that is a very big deal and a very relevant milestone in his life.
You see today Eli has reached a significant point in his life. He has now lived as many days with out his daddy here on earth as he lived sharing life with his father. It is odd to think he has grown this much and AJ has missed it all. It is so sad. There are so many things he has done that I so wish I could have shared with AJ.
Tomorrow marks another step for Eli. He will now begin to live his life where the fraction of the time he spent with his dad is smaller and smaller in comparison to how long he has been living with out him. I don't know how I will ever explain this to Eli- that he did have a dad. That his dad thought the world of him and loved him so much. That his dad never ever wanted to leave him and that none of this was his fault.
This is where I have to trust God to do a mighty healing in Eli's heart. Eli will know the love of his real earthly father. I will try my best to teach him of that and share AJ's love with him. Eli will know the love of his heavenly father too. But it's odd. I have one father in heaven and yet Eli has two fathers in heaven. I face the daunting task of explaining this to Eli. Hopefully Eli will know the love of an earthly father again some day too. I do want this for him. I wish with all of my heart that it would be AJ- but that can't be anymore.
I am praying for grace handling all these situations. I am praying for grace for Eli as well. For now Eli, happy birthday. We will make the best of these hard days. We will get through them together. Both of your fathers in heaven are proud of you. They love you and will cheer you on everyday. I love you too Eli and I am trying my best to be your mommy and your daddy.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Here is a fun picture AJ took of me dancing one night.
Monday, February 14, 2005
A Horse Fell in the Mud
With little over an hour left of the day our culture celebrates love- I am finally succumbing to the emotion of this holiday. I have been on autopilot all day. I just acted as if it was just an ordinary day. My energy has run out and I can't ignore it anymore. Tonight I have been crying over AJ- I still am. I miss him so much. I just really miss him- his love, his comfort, and his affection. What more is there to say...
I put on my point shoes and some good classical music tonight. I have been doing ballet to try to relieve my emotions. I always feel beautiful when I dance. It is an intimate thing between me and God. I worship Him as I dance. I feel His love as I am before Him. I feel beautiful before Him. I might not look beautiful dancing to the world's eye and standard- but I really don't care, this is an intimate thing I share with my Savior. The beauty of it is that it is not before the world's eye, but instead in the quiet of my room where I am free from judgment.
I don't know if dancing helped. I guess it helped me grieve and express my emotion. I know this is a good thing for me to do. Even though it hurts while I am crying, even though my heart is breaking- I know God is ministering to me as I dance in His healing waters. Oh how I just want more of Him in my life- more love and more power. I long for more of Him and less of me. I must decrease so He can increase.
So since I am feeling down tonight I thought it'd be good if I asked for some pick me ups- a.k.a -jokes! Do you know any good jokes? Post them here by clicking the comment button and following the directions. I'd love to hear some things to make me laugh. But please just share clean jokes- I don't want to hear anything about horses falling in the mud!!!
Saturday, February 12, 2005
A mother's love.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Enchanted
Being in a place where I am at the mercy of God is so frightfully exciting. I had not ever realized the risk I was taking when I chose to give myself to God and surrender to Him. But how boring life would be with out God! The adventure God has for us is always so exciting.
God is so creative. Take a look around you- His beautiful creativity is inescapable! I was just talking with a good friend about the beauty of twilight, when the sky is silver and it seems like for just a moment there is a pause in time right in between day and night. God created that. God is so exciting, He is so real, He is so alive! The work of his master hands is everywhere!
The sunset is different every single night- He created it for our eyes to see, because He loves us. It points to Him and His power and diversity. He is never boring, He is never silent, He is so abstract but yet His work is so tangible. What a beautifully magnificent God I serve!!! How sweet is His presence as it caresses the air. God is so enchanting. I am captivated by Him. He is always changing, but yet at the same time He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is my beloved and I am His.
Only in these days do I even begin to understand how mysterious God is. I have been diligent to put myself at the mercy of His feet daily. Through that daily submission I have lost nearly everything. But yet, I still have hope and I still grow even more madly in love with my Savior. It is an insatiable inexscapalbe obsession. He is reiterating to me constantly that He is good. I do not doubt this. His love is pulsing through my heart piercing me with each breath I take. He is holding me and carrying me.
I know His plan for me is good. I know He has promised to give me a hope and a future. He promises these things for all of his children from the least to the greatest all the same. I am moved beyond words, they are rubbish. They do not even begin to express the love inside of me for my God.
I am continuing to daily come and bow down at the feet of Jesus. I lay my crown down- my goals, my pride, my ideals, my desires- at His throne. I am at His mercy. I am excited to follow Him. His path is always exciting and will always end in glory. That glory is simply God Himself. More of Him and less of me. This is why I walk. This is why I get up in the morning. That is my reason to take each breath. Although I don't constantly live in that reality, that is what I strive towards.
Some say religion is a crutch. Others say it is useless and a waste of time. For me it is an addiction. I think it is what we are supposed to be addicted to- but instead turn to other imitations that the world has created. We all have a desire to be addicted to something. That desire is from God- to be addicted to Him. To be devout and determined, stubborn even- to do His will and to love Him through all circumstances.
I love you Lord, and I lift my voice to worship You. Oh my soul, rejoice! Take joy my King in what you hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Everything's coming up roses
Perspectives change daily, even minute by minute for me. I am finding that my perspective can affect how I feel and how I cope with my situation.
AJ helped me learn so much about having a good perspective on things. In so many ways I feel like he prepared me for this. By no means do I think that he knew his life was going to be snatched away from him. But still, I think as a good husband, he was preparing me and equipping me for life, always making me stronger.
God did these things in me through AJ. It is only God who can work on a heart, but still I think often God uses humans to do most of His work. In my life, He used AJ to do a huge work. One that I know prepared me to face today.
AJ always had such a casual and carefree outlook on death and dying. We talked about it- since we talked about everything there possibly was to talk about- that was a subject that we were bound to get on eventually. We talked about it on various occasions. AJ was always so non-chalaunt about it. He knew it was just a fact of life. We are all going to die someday. He knew with all of his being where he was going and that excited him. He did not have one ounce of fear in him about dying. He never made it seem like a bad thing.
I think this is something that is helping me presently cope with his death. Since he wasn't ever afraid- why should I be? He never considered it bad or negative. This helps me look at the positive aspects of dying- like the new glorious life AJ has with Jesus. He always had an eternal perspective with a full understanding that nothing here can go with us when we die. I know he is at peace and happy. He is finally full and complete and truly fulfilled in every meaning of that word. That gives me peace. That is not a perspective I could have had if AJ had not shared his thoughts about death with me. I am so thankful he did. I am so thankful he lead me and shepherded my heart.
Another thing that has prepared me to face these days is going through pregnancy. I remember during the last month when I was so uncomfortable- just wishing Eli was out of my body. I wanted to go into labor so badly! I did not want to be big and uncomfortable anymore. I remember every day seemed like eternity. I felt like the weeks until my due date were never going to pass.
Now in light of my present situation I think on these days often. Those days were so uncomfortable. But they did pass. Eli was in me for a temporary amount of time. I was guaranteed that Eli was going to come out of me eventually. He was definitely not going to be in me forever- even though sometimes it seemed like he was! But once he was out I knew I had a lifetime to spend with him. Suddenly those few weeks were not so bad and dreadful. A few weeks compared to a lifetime was not very long. I knew I could make it through them- and I did.
That is how I feel with this situation. I will be apart from AJ for the rest of my life here on earth. But I will be with him for all of eternity. These years here on earth are so short compared to that eternity! I know I will and can make it through this just as I made it through those weeks. Even though years are longer than weeks- I will get through them just the same. By the grace of God and by keeping my perspective on Him. By fixing my eyes on the hope set before me.
God is the end for me. Not the means to an end. God is my ultimate goal. I know I talk so much about AJ and getting to be with him in heaven. But even though my love for AJ was so strong- my love for God is even stronger, transcending the love AJ and I shared. I am even more excited to see God when I get to heaven than AJ. My hope is in God, my eyes are set on Jesus.
That is what AJ always pointed me to. His life directed me to God. When I get to heaven AJ will be there to greet me and he will be excited for me- but it will be because he will be overjoyed for me to finally be united with my Savior and Father. Even there I know AJ will be directing me to God and pointing to Him. This is the true meaning of worship. Pointing to God. Glorifying God. When it is said that all we will do in heaven is worship the Lord- I think it means that our lives will be an act of worship; it will be in the core of who and what we are. All that we do will point to Him and not ourselves.
That is how it will be in heaven. But it can be like that here on earth. That is what earth is preparing us for. We should have a lifestyle of worship. Worship goes so much further and deeper beyond just singing and music one day a week. It is in our smile, it is our breath, it is how we talk, what we do and who we are. Worship is simply pointing to God and not yourself.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Borders Boy
Last night around 8:00 Carl, Barb, Eli and I all went to Borders Bookstore together. We enjoy latte's and chai tea, all except Eli. He found his own things to enjoy.
After sipping on my tea I took Eli over to the children's section of the store. He was in the baby bjorn which is a thing that holds your baby by your belly so you can be hands free and your baby is still close by. Eli loves being in the baby bjorn, we use it a lot. I like it better than the stroller because it is much less cumbersome.
As we were walking through the store Eli just started chuckling. It grew in volume and intensity the closer we got to the bright colors of the children's section. Barb came and found us and said she could hear Eli laughing all the way across the store! It was so funny. Then Barb started to tickle him and his chuckle grew into a belly laugh. He was having the time of his life.
Eli and I read a few books together and bought even more books than we read. Lots of them were Dr. Seuss books- he is so fun to read, timeless and classic. He enjoyed this but it paled in comparison to when it was time to walk through the store again. He laughed the whole time we were walking. I have no idea what he thought was so funny- but what ever it was definitely was hilarious to him.
Everyone in the store was noticing him- it was hard not to with all the raucous he was causing. It was fun though because people were just looking at him and smiling. Even though they were smiling at Eli, it is still very nice when people smile in my direction. That is one thing a baby defiantly does- it opens people up. People talk to me all the time when I am wish Eli. They are very nice and smile. A baby just is a great ice breaker.
I am so proud of my boy. I was proud to carry him through the bookstore and have him warm so many people's hearts- mine included. I was filled with joy at the sound of his laughter. He is so much fun. I am so glad he enjoys books and bookstores. I am so glad he enjoys reading together. We will have to make our borders bookstore outings a more regular thing!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
A Grief Observed
Last night I cried myself to sleep as I do many nights. I was missing AJ more last night. The bed was emptier than it had ever been. I needed him to hold me last night, but he was not there to embrace me, which only made my tears continue to flow.
Some reality is starting to sink in. I had been at a point ever since AJ died that I was convinced he was going to come back. I had the faith that God could bring him back. I figured and hoped God would decide He was mistaken and that AJ did not belong with Him quite yet. I begged God to bring AJ back, then I begged Him some more and some more.
Now as more time has passed I realize AJ is not coming back. He is gone forever. It brings my grief to another level. It is more real to me now. I also know that I will probably be able to say that statement 3 months from now and have it still be true. I still don't think it is as real to me as it will finally end up being. I still look around at my life and have to remind myself this is actually happening. I realize the days are still getting harder.
The finality of his death is sinking in. The reality that all I have left to hold onto of AJ are memories and pictures. I recently made a photo album of AJ and I's life together. It was odd to get to the last page and have it be completed. I realized that the book was over, just as his life was over. There is nothing more to write and no more pictures to be taken. No more smiles on his face, well at least his face as I knew it here. No more of his silly jokes that always used to make me laugh. Gosh, I miss his laugh.
Eli is crying in his room next me, he is trying to fall asleep and just had his immunization shots. I am sitting here crying too, missing his daddy and trying to find my way through all of this. I'm trying to use words, which are always so inadequate, to describe my journey.
Two nights ago I read C.S. Lewis' book- A Grief Observed, it was good and helped me, but it was also very challenging. His wife died after only a few short years of marriage of cancer. This book was basically just a copy of his journal through those times of intense grief over his wife.
The main thing it helped me with was to show me the reality of my situation and the extreme devastation of death. I don't mean that in a "woe is me" kind of way. I mean that to say that I can't live and pretend as if everything is fine- because it is not. My husband died! It is a big deal- not something that can easily be shrugged off. It will be crutch I have for the rest of my life. I will constantly have a whole in my heart from the loss of AJ.
C.S. Lewis wrote on page 52 of A Grief Observed, "To say the patient is getting over it after an operation of appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on a wooden leg. He has 'got over it.' But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed."
I am going to take things minute by minute and day by day, hoping that God will give me the wisdom and the guidance I need for the "now". As I am walking with Him and bringing every decision to His throne I trust He will keep me in His will. I trust my life will honor Him as I so desire it to do.
I want to live my life on God's terms. I believe He has happiness for me, I believe someday I will know a love like AJ and I shared once again. Just because I say I want to grieve in a healthy way does not mean that I think God wants me to cry and be sad for the rest of my life! God desires us to be joyful. He is also close to the brokenhearted. Both are ok. I just want to be doing what He desires when He desires. I want to please Him.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-7, "There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: a right time for birth and another for death... A right time to cry and another to laugh... a right time to lament and another to cheer... a right time to search and another to count your losses...a right time to hold on and another to let go."
One thing I am trying to be careful of is not to let life distract me from grieving over AJ as I would. I will not live in denial of what has happened. It will not go away if I ignore it. I do miss AJ terribly. I do want to grieve over him in a healthy way.
I don't want to put my hope in anything or anyone but God. I will not allow this to happen. I do not want to be blindsided or distracted. God is the only way I can get through this. He has promised to carry me- but on one condition- that I allow Him to carry me.
"God, I am all yours- take me in your arms, let me rise on eagles wings and soar with you."
