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Friday, December 31, 2004
Analogies of Contrasts
White is to Black as the beginning of 2004 is to the end of 2004. OK, so I know that is a bit cheesy- but it is true!
What a crazy year. I went from being the happiest I have ever been to now the most distraught and devastated that I have ever been in my life. I gave birth to my first child and lost my husband all within the same year. I don't really think there are many people out there who could say the same thing.
I am glad 2004 is over, in spite of all the wonderful things that happened this year- I will still remember it as the worst year of my life. Farewell 2004.
Here's to hoping and clinging to this hope with all I've got that 2005 is better. I know it will be immensely hard. The days are only getting harder right now as the reality is settling in more- but hopefully I'll reach the point where it starts to get easier. I know it will take a lot of time, but I am going walk and I am gonna keep on walking. AJ always taught me to never give up- whether the task was big or small he always encouraged me to persevere. Interesting that the word severe is such a big part of the word persevere.
God is still good. I must keep declaring this. Even as the days are getting harder God is still God and God is still good. He won't change. He is my rock, my constant One that I am clinging to. He is the hope I have set before me. Desperately I yearn for him in these days.
I am thankful that I continued to seek God when all was well and my life was perfect. Now I am clinging to all that I learned from the "good" times and using the strength I received from coming apart with God when everything was fine to get through today, and the days to come, now that my life has completely fallen apart.
This one thing I have learned: We need to seek God and come apart with him constantly and regularly- no matter what our circumstances, whether good or bad. To the faithful- He is faithful. But you know, the wonderful thing about God is that He is faithful to us even if we aren't faithful to him. Although, when we are faithful to him we get to experience and reap the benefits of his faithfulness to greater measures.
I am obviously not at any big New Year Celebration tonight. Actually, in contrast, I am sitting here at home alone posting this blog tonight. Eli is peacefully sleeping- what a good boy!
I am trying to treat today as if it were any other day. But it is really more than that. It marks exactly 2 months from when the accident happened. And obviously as all know by now- it is the last day of the year. Most people are partying dressed in their best, but instead I am in front of the computer wearing my PJ's.
AJ and I's first kiss, and the beginning of our dating relationship, was on this very night 3 years ago. It is actually a really funny story. You got a sec? You wanna hear(read) it? Ok.
So, AJ and I had been seriously hanging out as "friends" for a few months. We would talk for hours at a time and go on walks on the beach and get coffee, all of course as "friends". I was falling hard for him and he was acting the same way for me.
AJ was having a New Years Eve party at his house that he invited me to. I said I'd go on one condition, that he came and picked me up and then drove me home. He agreed.
Right before he left to come get me I instant messaged him a question. Something to the extent of, "Do you like me as more than a friend?" AJ quickly ended the conversation and said we'd talk about it after he picked me up.
(I used to bug him a lot about what happened next. We often shared a good laugh over this. He claimed he was following his brain and not his heart.)
We got to his house and I got the boot. He said he only liked me as a friend and that he didn't think it could ever work out between us. I was crushed, and now wishing I had driven myself to his house because I so wanted to leave!!
It turned out that only guys showed up to his party, I was the only girl. I literally laid underneath his coffee table as everyone watched movies and tried to hide my tears of disappointment.
So, I made it through the evening and AJ drove me home. He got out and opened my car door. There in my driveway he just planted a big wet one on me- He kissed me! I was so excited. You won't believe what I did next. I said, "Could you do that again?" And he did. It was wonderful. Right after that we both prayed together and gave our relationship to God. What a wonderful night. Tonight is such a contrast to it.
WOW- I miss AJ. My heart aches for him. My body physically hurts for him. It is still so hard for me to conceive. I can't believe something so horrible could actually happen, more than just on TV. Maybe that is the grace of God that it comes in waves of reality and gradually becomes more real in small increments. These holidays have certainly helped make it real, sometimes too real, very painfully real.
God, I surrender to You and to Your ways. You alone are God. Come and fill me now with all that I need, you alone God truly know what that is. Lord I pray that you carry me through this next year. Gently lead me and guide. Keep me in Your will. I run to you oh God. I bow at Your feet. I need you. Apart from You I can do nothing. Forgive me for ever trying to live for even a second without you. Forgive me for my pride in thinking I can ever do it with out you. I confess my deep need for You. Now, God as I go to sleep tonight- please give me a peaceful and restful sleep. Your grace is sufficient for me. It is in Your name, Jesus Christ, that I pray- Amen.
Jesus is Lord!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Doesn't this just put a smile on your face and make your heart happy? Eli is such a blessing and comfort. I am so thankful for him!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
A really good old blog (That's not about a dog)
I was reading through some archived blogs today and came across this. It is amazing how AJ can still be an encouragement even in his absence. Hopefully this will be an encouragement to you as well.
Friday, February 06, 2004
An excerpt from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.
Letters are written from Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood, giving advice on how to develop as an "angel" of the Devil.
"Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's (God's) will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
It encourages me to stay on the path that God has called us to. To push on, even when we don't want to, even when we question God's goodness and His faithfulness. Press on.
posted by
aj # 9:59 AM
More new pictures
Hey you guys I just wanted to remind you guys to check out:
http://www.ajandkellie.com/photos/
I am adding new pictures on it regularly. You can also just clink the link called photos on the left side of the home page too.
Blessings and enjoy the show.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Eli's 1st car- the rockin' jitter buggy
Eli's Cough
Eli is getting so much personality. It is coming out more and more everyday!!! He is such a silly head.
Eli has discovered his voice and all the different pitches and volumes that it makes. He loves to talk. As he talks he experiments with everything his voice is capable of. He makes sounds with his lips together and tongue sticking out. Sometimes he is surprised by the noises he makes so he makes a really funny face to go with the sounds.
Other times Eli makes his lips in the shape of an "O" and goes "OOOoooOoOOo, OOOoooOOOoOo, OOOOOooooOoOOoOo." He likes to do this with a very low pitch and he pushes his eyebrows together and acts so serious with the sounds. He must be trying so hard. This sound is so funny because it is so manly. I love all his noises!!
Anyone who goes to Carl and Barb's Church certainly will have heard the next sound I am going to describe. Eli loves to make this very very high pitched squeal. He uses his arms and legs and all the muscles in his face to express this sound. It is definitely a happy sound and it is definitely a loud sound. He does this all the time, when I am changing his diaper, when he is playing in his bouncer, when he is listening to music, when we are eating at a restaurant, when we are shopping in the store and during church. This is his main way of talking and singing. It is so cute and so full of expression.
Eli also has another sound all figured out. He has figured out how to make a very fake cough. He does this all the time. It is so pathetic and so fake and so very funny.
Eli likes to do his cough for attention. If we are talking with him and then we go to do something else he will start to do his fake cough. He must know that when he coughs for real and we get concerned that all coughs will give him that attention. This cough does work as he plans. He does get our attention. But instead of concern he gets laughs because it is such a hilariously sad attempt by him. It is so obviously fake. I love his little cough though. I love everything about my little man.
Everyday Eli is becoming more of a little man. He is learning how to do so many things. He loved ripping open his Christmas presents. His favorite part was crinkling the tissue paper. He got a lot of really fun toys to play with too. His favorite toy, and I must admit it is my favorite toy that he got as well, is the rockin' jitter buggy. It is a little car that he can bounce in and rock in. It has all these cute car related accessories that really work too. It is awesome. I am sure he is going to have so much fun with it.
It was a very hard Christmas. But we made it through. I cried a lot. I didn't laugh much. But it was special to celebrate Eli's first Christmas. He had a lot of fun. It just broke my heart that AJ couldn't have seen Eli this Christmas, or any Christmas.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Happy Anniversary
Today would have been AJ and I's 2nd wedding anniversary.
I woke up this morning and thought about how I felt when I woke up two years ago. I was so excited I could hardly bare it! I remember that I just wanted to get to the part where I could see AJ and be with him. We had decided to meet before the service in the church. I was so anxious for it to be that time.
I will never forget how I felt then- A stark contrast to my tear striped face that I now have and my ripped apart heart.
I remember I was at the end of the isle in the church all dressed up with my back to the door. I heard the doors open and knew it was AJ. As he walked down the isle to meet me my heart kept beating faster and faster. I said to myself, "just breathe Kellie". I will never forget the look on his face. It was a look of complete adoration.
The next moment we embraced and then cried together and said how excited we were that our day was finally here. Now today, it breaks my heart that December 22 is here. This is really hard for my to write this but I want to get it out.
Finally we prayed together for our future. AJ prayed for us and shared vision for us and asked God to give him the wisdom that he needed to love me in the way I needed him to love me. I asked God for the same wisdom every day from then on. After our special time in the church it was time to take pictures and start all the wedding events. What a wonderful day. One of the best days of my life.
I thought this morning that if someone had said to me that day that I would be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary as widow I would have thought they were crazy. But another thought then occurred to me. If they had told me that news and then asked me if I still wanted to go through with everything and marry AJ anyway, even if I knew how much pain his death would cause me to have, I still would have married AJ and been just as excited to be his wife.
The past nearly 2 years we got to share together as husband and wife were so precious. I wouldn't trade them for anything! It was such a priviledge to be his wife. I am so thankful he chose me, I am so thankful God chose me for him. Those 2 years were so wonderful, they were worth it for me to have the pain of his loss.
I know this is so cliche' but it is true. "Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
I had such a mindset before all this happened that we were invincible and untouchable. I felt as though we would be together for ever and grow old together. AJ and I used to love to talk about what we thought we'd look like when we were old. We'd then say that we'd love each other no matter how we looked or how big our ears got, then we'd laugh.
Now, it is really hard for me to see old men who look like I imagined AJ to look like. Every time I see them I start to cry. There is one man in particular at Carl's church who I see every Sunday, and every Sunday he makes me cry. I just wish AJ would have been able to grow old like him.
Now that AJ is gone I realize how much of a priviliedge it is that I was aloud to share life with him. I realized I wasn't entitled to one second with him. Even that was a gift. Treasure the people you love and share life with. It is a priviledge and one that should not be taken for granted. I am thankful that I can say that I have absolutely no regrets with AJ. I don't wish I would have done or said one thing differently.
So, in closing, I am back to my memory of AJ and I's wedding day. I realized this morning that I will get to have this experience again. I thought the first time was glorious but the second time will be even more spectacular, only reversed.
AJ is at the end of the isle waiting for me and so excited to see me and see the look on my face when I get to heaven. Wow, it is overwhelming to even think or write about it. I can almost picture him there waiting for me just as I was waiting for him. Our reunion will be so awesome. This time when we are joined nothing will ever separate us, nothing in all of heaven or all of earth for eternity.
What happened on December 22nd, 2002 was just a preview of the real union we will share and a union that God will share with his church. You are his bride, you are his church. Adorn yourself and prepare yourself for him. Just as I was waiting for AJ, he is waiting for you , to welcome you and embrace you as you walk down the isle to him. What joy we will have when our day is finally here.
Monday, December 20, 2004
God Made Eyebrows Too
God created everything, even eyebrows.
Chris Rice wrote a song about questions for heaven. AJ and I had a running list going of our questions for heaven. Whenever we didn't understand something we'd say to each other, "I am going to ask God that when I get to heaven." AJ just got to get his answers before I did. It is amazing, he now knows all about quasars and feathers and everything else on his list. AJ even knows about things that weren't on his list. He now knows what it's all about- and it is not the hookey pokey! AJ sees the whole picture clearly now and it all makes sense to him. WOW!
When I get to heaven I am going to ask God about eyebrows. They are really quite silly and odd if you think about them. They don't seem to serve much of a purpose. Eyelashes, yes they make sense. Eyelashes help keep dust and other small particles out of your eyes. But eyebrows- they are too far from your eyes to serve that purpose and plus our eye lashes already do that!
So what is with eyebrows than? Why did God create eyebrows?
AJ had a very healthy and abundant set of eyebrows. They certainly weren't lacking. His eyebrows were dark brown. But every now and then he'd get a bright light red or golden colored eyebrow hair. That wasn't so bad. The bad part was that these light shiny hairs were also very long. They would always seem to grow long and straight and really stand out among the rest of his eyebrow hairs.
AJ would get quite attatched to these radiant mutant hairs. I would always ask him if he or I could pull it out. But he would defend his special hair by name. He'd say, "No! Not Golden boy," or "No! Not Golden Rod," or "No! Not Goldie." It was really funny and we'd both start to laugh about it.
I think he really kept them in there because he knew it'd make me laugh. He was all about making me laugh, and he was good at it. We laughed a lot. We even would laugh about eyebrows. Maybe that's why God made eyebrows- for us humans to laugh about them. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait till I get to heaven and ask God myself about eyebrows.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Don't just talk about it
On our wedding night AJ was sharing a lot of vision that he had for us and our family. This was my favorite part of the whole night. It was so neat to have my husband of a few hours already leading me. One thing he said that night, which was repeated nearly daily by us from then on, was, "We're the Buffington's and we say what we mean and we mean what we say." We wanted people to be able to trust us. We wanted to be able to trust each other.
In AJ's death I still want that to be true of me and how I live my life. AJ was such an amazing husband. It was a priviledge to sumbit to him. It was a priviledge to be his wife! It was a priviledge to be lead by him. He taught me so much. He was truly a Godly husband and fulfilled every part of the role that God describes for husbands to fulfill. His life pointed to God. His life pointed me to God.
Now I want my life to point to God as well. I want to live in a way that makes AJ proud. The way of living that would make AJ proud is living for God and keeping him first, being real and being totally sold out to Christ- holding nothing back; loving extravagantly. That is how AJ lived. That is how he taught me to live.
I just know God must have been so pleased with him when he finally came home. I bet all of heaven rejoiced to see him. There was probably a long line filled with people waiting to pat AJ on the back and say "well done dude." It is odd though, I know God weeps over AJ's death. In fact, I believe He shed the first tear over the whole situation even though he knew it was going to happen. But yet, I know He is glad to have AJ home too. The same is probably true for all of heaven. I don't know really.
Heaven is such a mystery. God is so mysterious. Our finite human minds can only fathom so much. It will be neat to see how it all really is when we get there to the other side. It is weird to think that earth isn't "it"! It is weird that earth is only a dim shadow of heaven. We will be more alive and see clearer in heaven then we ever thought possible here on earth. That is so weird to me. Since earth is all we know it is hard to imagine an even greater reality. But yet a greater reality exists just beyond where we can see with our eyes. Only rarely does God give us glimpses into eternity.
My husband dying has now given me a desire to search for a glimpse into eternity. I ask so many more questions now about the other side. There is so little we know. I was wondering why God has chosen to reveal so little of heaven to us. When I asked Carl he gave a very real and probably correct response to my question. He said that if we knew how great heaven was we probably would have no will or desire to continue living here on earth.
It's funny, we all preserve life so much while we are here on earth. But really death isn't something we should fear if we belong to Christ. It really shouldn't be called death anyway. We really actually only become even more alive once we "die" then we ever were here on earth. It should be switched, We shouldn't say AJ for example has died, we should say AJ is finally alive! He is finally free from the boundaries and constraints this fallen world puts on us.
We make such a big deal about death for the person who is gone. It really is a wonderful thing for AJ. But it is a huge devastating deal for us who are left behind to walk this road here on earth without him. It really sucks for us. It really hurts to be here with out AJ. I really miss my AJ. I miss him leading me. I miss him holding me accountable. Most of all I miss him loving me. He didn't just talk about loving me- he really loved me. He showed me by what he did that he loved me. So here I am back to this one word. Love. I have so much more to learn. But I will try my best to Love. Love.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
James Bond Love
Love. What a word. The word creates so many different thoughts and emotions in me every time I hear it. I think of so many people, so many memories and so many questions.
Love. There is so little we know about it too. There is so much more to be learned. Well, at least I have so much more to learn about it!
The people I have seen over these past days showed me love in action. They made 1 John 3:18 which says: "Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions," true in there own lives.
People can say all the time "oh I love you" or "Oh I care about you," but then when it comes to following through or sacrificing some part of themselves, whether it be pride or fear, their words have no more weight than a feather. I know this is how us humans think. I am one of them and I am guilty of saying things and not following through on them.
My friends over these past days have really been following through and making so many sacrifices to show their love to me. It is convicting to me to see how they love. It has shown me how much more I can and need to love others. It is so easy to get in our nice little comfort zones. We ask "How are you?" But we expect the usual one word answer and hope they'll be on their way. I want to take the time to invest in others the way it has been given to me. I want to show others love.
Love is so much more than just words. Love is action packed. More action packed than a James Bond movie! There is so much more room for me to grow in love. My love of God and my love for others needs to grow!
I want my love to be real too! No more sugar coated love, no more acting like I care without really caring. I also don't want to love others because it makes me feel good or important. I know I am guilty of that one too! That is so selfish of me to show people love because it makes me look and feel more holy. That is so wrong and I do not want to live like that. I don't want to love like that. I want to be real. I don't want to sugar coat things. I don't want a sugar coated loved for others.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Christmas Past/ Christmas Future
I think that fact that it is Christmas is finally catching up with me. I am remembering all the memories of past Christmases AJ and I shared. These memories are all so joyous. Then I realize that my memories of this coming Christmas and future Christmases will not have AJ in them and it breaks my heart. All the glitz of the holiday is starting to fade now under this realization.
The past two days were two of my hardest days yet. I have gotten all my Christmas shopping done so now that is no longer a distraction. I cried a lot on Thursday. Yesterday there wasn't a lot of tears but just and indescribable overwhelming heaviness inside my spirit. The only other time I have felt anything like this in my life was the day before the accident happened. That day I tried to shrug it off and ignore it. Now I realize why I was feeling as I did. I guess yesterday was just a glimpse at how the spirit of God inside of me is suffering over this too.
It is comforting to me to know that God is grieved by this catastrophic loss in my life. I know that He is suffering because of my suffering. I know that He wants to comfort me and He is in so many amazing ways. God truley is amazing. He is my comforter. He is my stronghold. He is my strength.
I am choosing to fix my eyes on this joy that is set before me in Chirst. With this I am choosing to continue to walk down the Highway of Holiness that is described in Isaiah 35. Carl was talking to me last night about how Jesus told John the Baptist that John was going to suffer but that he would continue to remain on the highway of holiness and that God would bring an end to his suffering. That is when Jesus challenged him to fix his eyes on the joy that is set before him.
Jesus is my joy. Jesus is that joy that is set before me and I am going to walk down this road with my eyes affixed on Him, firmly. If I don't have this hope and this view of the Joy, which is Jesus and life with Him then I have nothing. I might as well dig a hole in the ground and live there the rest of my life. But no, I do have this hope and joy.
I will walk and I will be victorious. Apart from Christ I am nothing, but with Him nothing is impossible. I have Him with me and He will never leave me, that is guarenteed to me. The same is yours if you have chosen it. We can choose to walk on the Highway of Holiness, it is up to us.
AJ truley dwelt there and walked down that road, it was evident in how he lived his life. He had his eyes fixed on the joy set before him. Like Paul, AJ had learned to be quite content whatever his circumstances. He was just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. He found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever he had, wherever he was, He knew he could make it through anything in the One who made him who he was. (Phillipians 4:12-13, the Message) That is how I want to live. That is how I challenge you to live.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Christmas Present
Eli and I are making it today. Christmas is a nice distraction for me. I love buying gifts for other people, I think it is fun. Lately that is how I have been spending my time.
The reality of everything going on hasn't seemed very real to me over these past few days. One thing you can be praying about is that I grieve in a healthy way. I really don't want to live in denial of the events that have happened. At the same time I know that God has grace available for me but it is my decision to choose to accept it or not. People can pray for me till they are blue in the face but I must choose to receive it or not. God can do his part, but I must do my part as well.
But I don't know if it is just denial that is getting me through or simply God's grace- or maybe both. All I know is that I do want to walk through this. I don't want to wake up in 5 years with this reality hitting me and be really screwed up for not dealing with it now. Does that make sense? That is a thing you can be praying for if you get a chance.
I feel like I am thinking and living with sobriety. I don't feel like I am being too idealistic about the whole situation. I just don't want Satan to have any ground with me or Eli- He can't win. He is trying hard but he can't and won't win me or Eli. He put the blow where it would hurt the most but I know God will provide all that we need to get through this. Thank you for your prayers- God is certainly moving through them.
I am now facing each day as if it were a battle. The meaning of putting on the armor of God is now a matter of life and death for me. It is now a survival skill. I must take every thought captive too. But you know, this is probably how I should be living anyway- not just because my husband has been stolen from me and this world, but because this is what God comands of us through scripture. We all should be living this way.
There is a constant battle going on around us. We should be fighting. In our American culture we are so lackadaisical. We are comfortable with our leather car seats, our limitless credit cards, and our never ending refrigerators. But the battle being waged just beyond our eyesight is very real and very worth our efforts and attention. Get out and fight- do something- if anything, don't let Satan have any victory in your own life. Take back any ground you might have given him. Take every thought captive to the cross and throne of Christ.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let s strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us." (Hebrews 12:1 NLV).
That cloud of witness is cheering us on, they know what is at stake, they see the battle. I believe AJ is now part of that cloud of witnesses- of those that have fought the fight and run the race and gone before us to be with our Father in Heaven. Be encouraged and be enraged. Get out and live, get out and fight for the Kingdom of God is very near and the Kingdom of God is forcefully advancing. We have a role to play in the advancement of the kingdom. We are mere breath of life and spec in eternity- make your life's breath blow hard and your life's spec shine bright as a diamond. LIVE!
I leave you with the MESSAGE's version of the Hebrews 12:1:
"Do you see what this means- all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running- and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed- that exhilarating finish in and with God- he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right along side God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into our soul!"
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Eli smiling in his bouncer with Scuba Steve. What a miracle this picture is and this little man is!!!!
Eli's miracles
This update on Eli is past due I know. Sorry I haven't written sooner on his condition. He has been changing so rapidly and improving daily. Plus, I have had so much to say that my blogs are already too long- sorry guys and thank you to all who are reading them.
So Eli. Cute, little Mr. Eli, as his daddy used to say.
Eli is sucha joy and comfort to us now in these days. These days are long and hard but Eli helps us all get through them. He gives us reasons to smile, reasons to laugh and reasons to rejoice. He also surely gives me a reason to get my sleepy self out of bed in the morning- he's hungry and needs to eat. I have no need for an alarm clock- oh well. :)
So as most now know, Eli was also in the car accident. He was injured very badly. He was covered in glass when he got to the hospital. While AJ's parents were waiting for the news on AJ they were holding Eli and picking the glass off of him. They said that holding Eli is what got them through those agonizing long hours that horrible night.
Eli and I were life-flighted to the ER in Orlando. I was released the same night with little more than a broken heart and a stitched bottom lip. It wasn't until Eli was transferred to the nearby children's hospital that we learned of all his injuries.
During the accident Eli had a stroke and lost oxygen to part of his brain. He also got some bruises on his brain that had bled. Both really bad. The first day the doctors had no answers for us other than to wait and see what happens next with Eli.
The accident happened Sunday evening. By Tuesday Eli had only gotten progressively worse. Part of me wanted to worry about him. But at the same time I had so much hope. I new that he had to be ok. This would be just too much to handle if he wasn't. God didn't spare his life for nothing. I new he was going to be an amazing man of God and to do that he also was going to be whole and have a good mind.
Tuesday morning Eli started to have seizures as well. This was very scary because he would stop breathing well during them and the nurses had to give him oxygen. That is hard for a mother to see. Eli was very hard for me to see. He also wasn't able to eat yet. He was getting his nutrition through an IV. He was starting to lose weight.
So that night I went to my in-laws house for dinner. There were a lot of other people there offering their sympathy and support. Earlier that day Eli had many tests done on his brain. Well, after dinner I received a phone call with the results from the tests. The prognosis was that if he is lucky he might one day be able to walk! That was horrible news. They were basically telling me that my son would be brain damaged. It was so hard to hear. I started to cry but said well, I know I'll be able to handle- God will give me the grace that I need. But I really hoped that it wouldn't have to be this way.
That night sitting at the table after the phone call was definitely the lowest point I have had since this all happened. The lowest point of my life. I mean I was at the bottom of rock bottom. It was horrible.
Stovall Weems, our pastor when AJ and I lived in Jacksonville, was there that night. He had great wisdom right then. He said let's all gather together and praise God. He didn't say let's all gather and pray for Eli or pray for Kellie or ask God for anything at all. Instead he said, let's worship the Lord. That was the exact thing we were supposed to do. That night as we were all telling God just how great He is and how much we loved Him something definitely broke through. The worship was so sincere there in the family room. I could feel the presence and love of God like a warm breeze wrapping itself all around my skin. It felt good. God is good.
So I went back into the intensive care unit, where Eli was, on Wednesday morning. The nurse for once was happy to see me. She said Eli woke up Tuesday night starving and wanting to eat. She said she gave him 4 bottles. What a miracle. He also didn't have any seizures all night.
That was the beginning of what I now know is a miraculous recovery. There was even a bad cut on Eli's chin. It was there Tuesday and absolute gone- erased from him- when I saw him on Wednesday. God is amazing and He is certainly faithful.
Maybe sometimes we don't need to ask God to do things for us but instead we simply need to trust Him and declare that He is able and faithful. Maybe there is more power in worshiping God than there is in simply asking Him for things. After all He created us so He could love us and we could love Him in return. We were simply created to worship Him.
All in all Eli spent 8 days in the hospital- 6 of which were in intensive care. He is on seizure medication for 6 months but has not had a seizure since that Tuesday night that we all worshiped God.
Eli came home from the hospital acting more like a 3 week old than a 3 month old. But now he is again sleeping all through the night. He is laughing and showing emotions and expressions. He recently discovered his voice and is having so much fun experimenting with all the sounds he can now control and make. It is really fun to watch and hear him talk! He is using all his limbs now too. He is reaching out and grabbing objects that spark his curiosity.
His favorite thing to watch is the ceiling fan- moving and stationary. His favorite song is the Final jeopardy Song. His favorite toy is his bouncer seat. His favorite stuffed animal is scuba Steve- a turtle with snorkel gear (he is really cute). I'm sure you will start noticing him in many pictures. Eli is very ticklish and will belly laugh if you get him in just the right spot.
He is acting as normal as any 4 1/2 month old would and should act.
Thank you all for your prayers. They have made such a differance in our lives and Eli's condition. We have a long hard rode ahead of us and will continue to need a lot of prayer to make it and be victorious. But we will make it. I am so thankful for the network of people that God has surrounded us with. The outpouring of love has been wonderfully amazing. Thank you- I really mean that with all I am. Thank you.
Eli's recovery has been complete and completely miraculous. He is my miracle baby in so many ways. He is such a blessing and a joy. I love my son. I love him so much, more than words can express. I am so thankful for him. AJ left me the best gift he could have possibly left- Eli, our son.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Free to chose
I had trouble sleeping last night. I felt as though my mind was just racing with thoughts. I sometimes get in this semi-sleep state where I am talking with God and thinking and all the while not really conscious of my thoughts. My mind just kinda wanders into the deep places with God. Sometimes in these rare moments I get some revelations. Last night was one of these occasions. I will try my best to explain and share my thoughts.
I asked God this question.
Why didn't you stop this from happening?
My problem is that He knew this was going to happen to AJ and yet He still let it happen. So there I was last night wrestling with God over this. If this wasn't His will then why did it happen? If there were angels that miraculously saved Eli and I from an accident that all authorities claim should have killed us too then where were the angels that could have saved AJ? In addition to that, AJ and I prayed as we were leaving his parents driveway and heading home that night for protection. Why didn't God answer that prayer for all 3 of us instead of just Eli and I?
These are huge questions I know. But still I desired some clarity on this subject. Some comfort; some hope. Something. Anything to cling to.
In the wee hours of the morning as Eli was dreaming in his crib next to my bed this is what God dropped into my spirit which did give me a glimmer of the hope I was so trying to hold onto. This again confirmed what I am trying so hard to declare by faith- that God is good and Jesus is Lord. Right now I am trying to act by faith and what I know instead of by my emotions and how I feel.
To be honest I don't feel God's goodness right now. Life is about as bad as it could get. But I know He is good. He is the rock that can never be shaken. He is the same yesterday today and forever. I must keep telling myself what I know to be true of God. I must act my way into feelings instead of feeling my way into acting. Does any of that make sense?
God is love. We all know this. In the beginning when God created man He did so because He wanted something in His image that He could love and that could love Him in return. He didn't create us as some interesting science experiment to see what would happen. He created us for love, for relationship and for companionship.
So here is the speck of clarity God gave me on the accident:
Yes, He could have stopped it and wanted to so badly. But when He created us He gave us freedom of choice. With out letting us make our own choices we would never be able to choose to love Him. Love cannot be forced. If it was forced than it wouldn't be love. Love is a decision, a heart's desire. God wanted us to desire Him and to make the decision to love Him and know Him.
Because we have the freedom of choice. That means that we are not controlled like puppets on a string. God is all knowing- He knew this was going to happen. But there is a difference between knowing something is going to happen and wanting something to happen.
All that said about being able to choose- the lady driving her car that night was able to make her own decisions. That night she made some very bad decisions. She chose to drive over 100 MPH and she chose to use her cell phone while driving. Because of those decisions she lost control over her car and took AJ's life and her own life.
God wanted to stop it but He couldn't since he created us with the freedom of choice. The lady was free to make those decisions. Sadly she made very poor decisions and payed the ultimate price for her carelessness. Most unfortunately AJ had to suffer as well for her bad decisions that evening.
I don't know if that helps or not. I do know it helps me realize even still that God is good and Jesus is Lord and for today that is enough. I don't have all the answers and probably never will. But at least I am still talking with God and at least He is still talking back. I want to always have ears to hear. He is always talking, I just know I am not always listening. To get through this I must be listening.
Are you listening?
