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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Raw Oysters
Ok so this blog will have nothing to do with oysters but still the title seemed appropriate, hopefully in the end you'll see why.
It is neat I am meeting so many people that AJ blessed along his way through life here on earth. He was so amazing and I just love hearing the stories all about him. It is neat because everyone knew AJ in a different way. He impacted each person differently. It must be the way he took real time to invest in every person that he met. He made everyone feel as though they truly mattered and were important to him. In the same respect I am enjoying people sharing with me the ways AJ impacted their own lives. My love and respect for AJ is growing even still, even though he is gone.
Tonight Carl and Barb and I did a lot of talking. We all probably talked more together tonight then we have since all this has happened. We sat on the couches to watch tv and instead ended up muting the tv. I think that is something that we all should do more often. Turn the volume down on our tvs and the volume up for those around us. We should give others our undivided attention and really listen to what they have to say. We all have something to say.
One thing that is more evident to me after our conversation is that our emotions are so real. There are no veils to conceal what we are feeling and absolutely no strength or desire to try to hide our emotions. Grief is real. This pain is real. I know too that my mind can't even conceive how devastated I am right now. If that makes sense. It is weird how something can be so real and yet so unreal all in the same breath at the same time.
One thing I know is that I can't deny the great loss. I can't and won't sit here and deny the pain I feel and the huge hole in my heart. On the other hand I am getting a glimpse of what it means to share in the sufferings of God. Never for a second do I believe God did this or desired this and that is not what I mean by that statement. No, I mean God suffers for us and over this world and its brokenness. I am now sharing in that, only fractionally. Also, I am at least a step closer to understand and knowing the pain God felt when he lost his son; when Jesus died on the cross. How much God must have suffered to see all his son had to go through- how terrible must that have been for him. I am marginally sharing in that now. Although I know I will never fully know the pain. His pain.
Here's a mind bending thought, one that at least bends my own mind. We here all the time God is glorious, God is love and all these wonderful happy and joyful thoughts on God and to descibe God. But what about the suffering and pain God must experience too? Did you ever stop to think of God weeping and grieving too? He must. Think of how much more he loved AJ than any of us even came close to. How much did it pain him to see him die. Also think of how much he loves us. He knows our pain and it breaks his heart to see us in this pain. God is suffering more than all of us. Now take that and add it to all the suffering going on this corrupt fallen world. God is suffering. That is a picture of God I never had before. But now seems very real and very descriptive. As much as he loves he suffers too. He must long for it to be time to redeem us by bringing his son back. It must be so hard and yet even then he is gracious to us. He is waiting for us and giving us as much time as he possible can for us to turn from sin and get our lives right with Him. He is giving us time to know Him and accept Him and share Him with those who don't know Jesus is Lord and the way the truth and the life.
So back to raw oysters. My emotions are very raw. Too real for words. I can't describe how I feel. People are often asking me- "How are you?" And honestly I really don't know. The best answer I can give is that I am alive and I am making it. The only future I can see right now is the next second ahead of me. I am living minute by minute and for now that is an accomplishment. I am relying on God wholly.
I also don't want to use my grief as a crutch or an excuse to live in any less of a way then I was before all this happened. I don't want to use this to justify any sin in any way. That is not of God. I have no excuse for pride, no excuse for arrogance and certainly no excuse for selfishness. Just because my life has come crashing down doesn't mean I should no be selfish. I shouldn't all of the sudden stop making the effort to invest in others. I shouldn't stop praying for those who need it and being generous when I can. I have no excuse and I still and held accountable to the same things as every other child of God. We all are and will be. So go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
Monday, November 29, 2004
More pictures
There are a lot more pictures on our site. If you go under links on our site and click photos that is where most new pictures are uploaded. Once in photos if you click any links under archives there are all our older photos. Enjoy- you might want a kleenex as you view some of these. I certainly needed a few.
I love this picture of AJ holding Eli the day before he died. It is an image that reminds me of how God is holding me through all this.
This is the only picture of the three generations of Buffington men. This picture was taken 25 hours before AJ died. Who would have thought this would be our last night together.
Wet pictures
Oh my gosh. So many simple tasks are so overwhelming. Little things seem to make me cry when I least expect to cry. I am sitting here trying to upload some new pictures to the website now that my computer is hooked up again- thanks Shaun McDonnell. Well I am uploading pictures of AJ and I just started crying so hard. It hurts so bad to think of what a life it was that was lost. All these pictures are so alive and vibrant with life. They are so full of love. It is obvious how awesome he was.
It is hard to choose what pictures to upload so just keep checking the site. I will keep the new pictures coming now.
I have so much write, so much has happened. I just don't feel up to writing a lot currently. At least be pleased that I am uploading pictures. Trust me this is not an easy task. I love seeing pictures of AJ but it hurts my heart too. It makes me miss him so much. Oh my gosh I miss him!!!
Miraculously I made it through my birthday and by the grace of God I made it through Thanksgiving.
I will close this post with something a little more lighthearted. Here is a joke AJ used to tell me a lot and yes- I'd laugh everytime. (AJ called me his "Sillyhead" and I really was.)
How do you know if there's an elephant in your oven?
The oven door won't shut!!!
Ok just a hint of joy on what is a hard sad day. Be blessed today and I will post more soon.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Thanksgiving
I am sitting here tonight very tired. Grief is exhausting. I am also trying to pack for our Thanksgiving vacation. I feel more like I am just walking around in circles, not accomplishing much. I have been trying to pack all afternoon and it is now 10:21p.m. and I am still not finished.
After all that has happened in these past few weeks my mind is turning to mush. The simplest tasks are now, well, not so simple. The other day as I was putting on my make up, I almost put the mascara on my eyebrows instead of my eyelashes where it belongs- ooops. But I will finish the packing soon I am sure, it's just taking a bit longer than usual.
For Thanksgiving AJ's family and Eli and myself are all going to Seabrook, SC. That is a small island off the coast of Charleston, SC. It is so beautiful there. It is a place AJ and I loved to visit. We are going to be there a whole week, starting tomorrow.
I am somewhat scared to go because I know it will be the first quiet time I will have since all this has happened. The business of "death" is a lot of work. Add on top of that all of Eli and I's doctor visits and there is just no time left in the day. I have been very distracted from the pain in my heart most of the time. But I know on vacation I will have a lot of time to reflect, and a lot of time to miss AJ.
But I also have to count my blessings this Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. In fact, I bet we all have many things to be thankful for if we take the time to reflect on it.
Take a deep slow breath.
There.
Is that something you are thankful for? I am thankful to be alive and to have air to breathe. I bet as you realize the miracle it is to even have breath you will be thankful as well. Think of how something so simple as air sustains us. It is amazing.
I am thankful for my beautiful son and for his health. His smiles make my heart happy. He is such a blessing and a source of comfort and joy. He also is starting to sleep through the night again- I am very thankful for that too. Sleep is a wonderful thing for all of us.
I will not be posting for a few days. Check back after thanksgiving though for some new photos. Since my good friend Shaun was so nice to hook up my computer and internet I can now upload our pictures again. After thanksgiving I will post a blog about how I celebrated my birthday too. It was pretty fun. Bitter sweet.
Blessings upon you as your read these words tonight. Love with all your heart.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Growth Charts and Loofas
Eli had his 4 month well-baby check up today. He is growing so fast. He had lost 2 lbs during his hospital stay because he was unable to eat for a few days. At his weigh in today he had gained all the weight he had lost plus an additional 4 ounces- what a big guy! He is in the 55% for his weight and the 95% for his length compared to other boys his same age. He is long and lean just like his daddy.
I miss his daddy more than he could know. I look at pictures of him and I reminisce of memories that we have shared- all good and most funny. They make me laugh, he was so good at making me laugh. I remember one morning when we were living up in DC and AJ got up before the rooster (aka- 5:15 am). He was taking a shower and I was still in bed trying to catch a few more zzz's. Then all of the sudden I am awakened to the sound of him singing in a silly voice. This is what he was singing:
"I am washing my body with Kellie's loofa!!! Getting all clean and shiny with Kellie's loofa!!! I love scrubbing my body with Kellie's loofa!!!"
It was so funny. I think the funniest part was that before that morning he had never used my loofa. He always just used a wash cloth. To those of you who do not know what a loofa is, it is a big puffy sponge. The other reason it was funny was that AJ didn't ever sing in the shower. Also, it was so early in the morning and anyone who knows AJ knows he is not a morning person.
I could write silly AJ stories forever, there are so many. So many wonderful happy memories.
I know I come across in these blogs as having it all together and it all figured out. Let me just tell you- that I am so far from having all the answers, I am just trying to hold on and keep on walking as best as I can. I have never been so desperate in my life. I am so distraught and so broken. God's grace is overwhelming and abundant and thankfully sufficient. With out him I know I wouldn't have made it even this far.
I remember I used to tell AJ that I could never live with out him and that I was created to be his wife. Both of those statements were true. But now I face the undaunting task of learning how to live with out him. The even greater task will be raising our son alone, with out AJ. AJ was so wise and such a visionary and leader. He was such a great example of a Godly husband and father fulfilling all the roles that are described in scripture for a man of God to fulfill. I loved him so much. I miss him greatly.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Mary and Martha
I am reminded of the story of Mary and Martha as I sit here tonight in front of the computer. I will briefly remind you all of the story.
Mary and Martha are visited by Jesus to their home. Martha is very busy the whole time trying to being the perfect hostess to Jesus. She is busy cooking and cleaning and doing things for Jesus. Mary on the other hand is simply sitting at Jesus' feet. She is listening and enjoying simply being with Jesus. Martha gets upset with Mary for not helping her out and accuses her to Jesus. Jesus responds in a surprising way. He says what Mary is doing is of much greater worth to Him and pleased him much more.
Mary is investing in her relationship with Jesus where as Martha was focusing on serving Jesus. Jesus desires simply to be with us. I once heard some one say we are called to be human "beings" not human "doings". That is so true and this story exemplifies that fact. In our American culture we are so busy. We feel that the only way we can be successful is to be busy. We get our worth from our accomplishments. But as the this story teaches us- that is contrary to God's values.
AJ and I have spent a lot of time praying about slowing down and taking time to invest in relationships. Most importantly in our relationship with Christ, that was the heart behind one of his last blogs "Relationships Matter." We challenged each other and held each other accountable towards this goal. It is very hard though to gather our worth from who we are in and with Christ instead of what we are doing for Christ.
AJ's death is forcing me to the seat that Mary took that day. I have no where else to go now but to the feet of Jesus. There is no work to be done, my broken heart and weary soul would be useless right now for "doing" things and honestly I feel like actions and busyness is so meaningless. Relationships matter. Don't get me wrong we should serve God and that will naturally flow from the result of the time we spend sitting at his feet. But the times we spend silent and still before God must precede all action. This situation is teaching me this. I can not function with out the strength and life of God continually being poured into me. This mountain is too high to climb alone. This valley to too dry and to wide to cross without being carried in the arms of my God.
I have always desired to be closer to God and often the words "Help me to want to want you" have been uttered from my mouth in prayer. I hate that this situation is what is bringing me to this point though. I hate that my beloved AJ had to die. But now God is more real to me than ever before and I value the preciousness of life all the more. Even the flowers are more vibrant and beautiful then ever. Satan's scheme will not prevail, what he intended for bad is being made good. God always wins!!!
AJ truly sought after God and was the first to introduce me to the fact that it is relationships that matter most, that is where the yoke is broken and that is how the walls come tumblin' down. Life is short and I am challenging you all in the same way my husband AJ challenged me day in and day out to invest in people, invest in relationships and most importantly invest in God. Give him the best gift you could ever give him- your time. Not time doing things and being busy before him but just time with him- just a part of yourself. He loves you simply because you are you not because of what you do or do not do. But because you are you.
I miss my AJ and I would do anything to have him back. He taught me so much and he forever changed my life. The reason he had such an impact is because he took time to invest in me and to be with me and to listen to me. I realize though that all he was doing was simply just a reflection of what Christ desires to have with me. Some of my favorite moments with AJ are the times when we were just together sitting close and it was quiet, we weren't saying or doing anything- just "being" together, but it is in those moments that volumes were exchanged and we too can have those moments with God, he deeply desires that with us, each and everyone of us.
AJ was a truly amazing man and I consider it such a huge priviledge to have been chosen to be his wife. Everyday I had with him was a blessing and I am priviledged to have gotten even one day much less 3 years sharing the the most intimate relationship in his life- being his wife. I love my AJ and I miss him greatly. I want to live a life that makes him proud that I was ever his wife.
I challenge you to invest in those around you- remember God is always with you; he will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Even if you leave him he cannot leave you- he is God and he just loves you too much.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Just Breathe
Life is so interesting. Words are not adequate in describing the whole wave of emotions that I feel. On one hand I am thankful to be alive, all the experts say all 3 of us should have died in the car crash- it was that bad. All I am left with is a fractured hand, a sore knee and a very broken heart. I am thankful for Eli, our son and the biggest blessing I have. Eli is a walking miracle (well he's not walking yet, but he will be one day in Jesus' name). There is so much to be told about all that God has already done in little Eli. He is nearly 4 months old and already has an amazing testimony. I have an odd sense of excitement that I will explain more in a future blog- Just know that I believe with all my heart that God will redeem this. He will take what was intended for bad and some how make it wonderful and glorious even though right now there is no glory to be seen. I have a hope for the future because I know that my God is good and faithful and able and most of all willing. What a mighty God we serve! Praising God is the only way that I can possibly make it through this. I have to ask God for the strength for each second, minute and hour; for the strength to breathe. But again, he is good and faithful and Jesus is Lord. My heart hurts so bad for AJ. I long for him in my inmost being, so much that it physically hurts. The only thing I can associate to this is that of the feeling of intense contractions. I dilated 8 centimeters in one hour with no pain medicine when I was in labor for Eli and that hurt so bad. That pain came deep from within and hurt like none other I'd known. This is similar and deep inside like that, only much worse. But with my God I can scale a wall and move a mountain and with my God I will overcome- someday. I know I have a long hard road ahead but just know that I have purposed to walk this road and I will try my best to stay focused on God the only one who can help me to keep taking it one step at a time and to put one foot in front of the other with out stumbling. I am praising God for the victory we already are having with Eli, again I will explain more how he is in a future blog- I am so tired but I wanted to at least give an update to all of you who are checking the site regularly. Eli came home from the hospital and is improving everyday. He started to smile again today which was so encouraging to see- his smile lights up the whole room and brightens my saddened heart. Eli is a source of grace and joy and he is such a blessing. Check back to the site soon as now that things are beginning to settle down I will be able to make updates again regularly. I love all of you and I can never thank you enough for all of your prayers, encouragement and love. God bless each and every one of you who are reading these words. I have so much to say. There is so much I am learning and I am so passionate about life- life is short- we have got to LIVE!!! So live with abandonment and worship without holding anything back!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
happily home
Buffington, Andrew Jones (AJ)
Entered life 5/14/79 and entered eternal life 10/31/04, due to a tragic automobile accident.
A Celebration of Life Service will be held at 10 A.M. on Saturday, November 6th, at St. Stephen’s Catholic Church at 575 Tuskawilla Road, Winter Springs, with a reception to follow.
AJ’s 25 years on earth were full! He was devoted to Jesus Christ and loved His people. Always exuding a contagious passion for living and compassion for people, always uplifting and encouraging, he never met a challenge he didn’t like.
He delivered the commencement address at Oviedo High School in ’97 and graduated Magna Cum Laude from Flagler College in ’01. He touched the lives of those he worked with at Capernaum Communications Group and Celebration Church in Jacksonville, the International Justice Mission in Washington DC, and Propeller advertising in Miami. And he touched the lives of those he ministered with on missions: the poor in Ecuador and Bolivia, and the American Indians in North Dakota. He was a talented artist and worship leader and used his gifts to bless God’s people.
He goes before his three-month-old son Eli, wife Kellie, his brother Peter and wife Sara, his sister Whitney, and his parents Barbara and Carl.
Instead of flowers, offerings can be made out to “The Eli Jones Buffington Trust Fund” and sent to Kellie Buffington at 871 Bentley Green Circle, Winter Springs, FL 32708.
