3 years and Walking...
I have churned this blog around in my head for weeks now perpetually putting off writing because the perfect words seem to continue to evade me. I know it is time to write it out, but I still am uncertain of what to say or how to say it. I simply know that there is something that should be said...
I am shocked at how fast the 3rd year anniversary of the accident is encroaching upon me. It has been a full and rich past few months. But I find myself suddenly turning around and realizing that this dark and disappointing day is going to be here again very soon. I want to embrace the day and all the emotions that will embody it.
As I was reading through my testimony recently I still read it with a small sense of detachment. It is hard to comprehend that the girl I'm reading about is actually me, that these things are all things that I have experienced and lived through to share about. Even more hard to comprehend is the complete sufficiency of God's grace through every darkest hour that's piled upon themselves. I find it impossible to read through or think about the story God's writing in my life and not be overwhelmed by the miracle of His sustaining hand permeating each moment.
Yet, here I am still struggling to grasp the verse: 'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.' (Hebrews 13:8) It is not so hard to read God's word and see His perfect sufficiency woven throughout it...It is fairly easy to look through my past experiences and see God's grace carrying me completely without fail. But today, as I sit and look at what is to come, my heart still flutters with the wonder and worry of what is next--of how that will look and what that will be.
One thing that has made these three years so challenging for my faith has been the element of the unknown. I am wading through this thick mud unsure of where my next step will lead or how. God has made it perfectly clear what each next step should be and when, but there has not ever been more insight given than just simply the next step. I have longed to have some sort of meaning or bigger picture and purpose to cling to, some tangible hope. But for now that has not been the way God is leading me through this journey.
He instead has taken me gently by the hand and said, 'follow me'. And that is simply it. He hasn't said 'follow me to this destination where we will do this, where you will receive this reward in return for doing that'...No, it has been a simple call to follow Him with the assurance that I will be well taken care of and provided for even while I'm in the dark and in the mud.
I have been reading through Luke and find it amazing that so often when Jesus does a miracle He responds to the person He just made anew with these words: "Your faith has made you well. Go in peace." I find it profound to think about the great value Christ has on our persevering and living by faith. So often I feel like my faith is feeble and faltering. I feel battered and worn, far from victorious. But I take great comfort in seeing that this is a place where He comes and meets us.
My heart is strengthened by reading stories that express Christ's heart toward the defeated and the discouraged last ounces of faith poured out. Take the woman in Luke 8 for example, she had been hemorrhaging for 12 years. All other medical attempts had failed her. She was out of money and still had found no relief. So with nothing left other than what I imagine she thought was a wavering feeble small ounce of faith--she reached out and touched the fringe of Christ's garment as her last desperate plea.
He saw her tired weary despairing heart without ever having to look into her eyes. Before turning around He felt healing and compassion flow out from Him. He turned to see her face as she trembled in fear. Jesus spoke straight to her saying, "Your faith has made you well. Go in Peace." (Luke 8:48 NLT)
Connecting with this woman and seeing a faith that moves the heart of Christ that isn't by our 'American Christian Culture's' standards victorious and conquering but rather a faith that is bitterly honest, raw and real encourages me to keep walking.
I struggle with not knowing the whole story or seeing the bigger picture for my life. I feel pain and disappointment over what will never be and what has still not yet come to be. As my story has continued to unfold very differently than I expected or even hoped that it would, I must continue to bring these disappointments to God. This is my single act of faith of reaching out in one more desperate attempt to touch the fringe of His garment.
Each time I reach out even if it is out of despair He is right there turning His eyes upon me to heal me with His gaze and to comfort me with His words. He has continued to show me that He is honored by my continuing to come and reaching out with whatever little faith I have left that remains. And in the reaching out He always gives me enough to continue on. The miracle and the sustenance is not found in my weak offering but rather in His huge compassionate outpouring and response.
Christ has continued to pour out His power over me and to carry me throughout this journey just as much if not more so now as in the days when these wounds were fresh and oozing. I sit here today typing this and realizing that I have grown so much in the last 3 years. I am far from being the same woman I was 3 years ago. But I am also far from being the woman that I thought I would be and was becoming.
I see the severe mercy of God in how He has been more concerned with my character than my comfort. He has graciously led me down a path that is leading me deeper into His holiness. I rejoice in the leading of God despite all the times and ways I have tried to resist and fight it. I am humbled by His perseverance and patience with me as He is teaching me perseverance and patience. I know that God is leading me one step at a time to where He needs me to be. It has not been easy or glorious, but I cling to the assurance that His way is perfect and good.
I am reminded of Neal Armstrong's words upon landing on the moon: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." The physical step Armstrong took was not of epic proportions, but where and how and why that step was made changed the world and made an enduring footprint in our history.
I know I often see the small steps I take as insignificant. I get stuck in staring at the barren moon dust and the monotony of the landscape around me. But how different it would be if I could see from the reality of heaven all that was being accomplished in my feeble obedient steps here. That these small steps I take here are giant leaps in the will of God for my life. This glimpse of understanding shoots adrenaline into my weary soul to keep walking, to rejoice in the small steps and keep making them...to stop seeing them as an inconvenience or a waste of time...to stop wishing I could skip over them and instead start seeing them as the only way to continue forward.
In this journey there are not bicycles or cars or rockets to get one to where they need to be, but instead it is a grudging trudging onward one step at a time. I am learning that this is the only way to continue on this pathway of holiness we are called to walk upon. I am seeing better now why the scriptures refer to this as the narrow path, the way less traveled. It is not an easy path to be on--but it is severely perfect and richer than any other place I could otherwise be...so I keep walking on even if my feet are blistered and each step aches.
On this path lies all we need to continue to make our next step. We are never alone on this path. We are perfectly provided for, even carried when our strength waivers and we start to stumble...We continue on and we continue reaching out for the fringe. We continue to feel His power pour out upon us as we respond to His words, "Go in peace..." We continue down His path in peace and assurance that He is indeed with us, leading us and keeping us right where we should be--in that place that is perfectly securely in His pleasing will.
It is on this journey that you and I meet. This is where you are finding me now. The sweat is dripping in my eyes and I am persevering on, reaching out for the fringe and feeling more exhausted yet more victorious than I ever have before in my life. I love reading back through the things I have written on this blog, seeing how God has led me, seeing the small steps made moment by moment. It is a gift to be able to journey back along the bends and turns of the path already covered. It gives me an eagerness to see what is yet to come.
God has made it clear each time I need to take another step or turn another page. I see this nudging again now in my life. This journal has served an incredible purpose to myself and many others. It embodies the journey of a broken heart struggling to cling to faith and continue walking. It is a raw glimpse into the chasms of grief and how God's love reaches to the darkest most despairing places in our hearts and lives. It has been a healing comfort for me to be able to write and process through these thoughts and feelings. It has also been a way I have been able to see God bring His redemption through my pain as I have seen Him comfort numerous others through the words and vulnerability shared here.
I see it now fitting and good to turn this page...I believe this journal has fulfilled its purpose and now it is time for a new beginning, to start another season and chapter. This is not to say that I will not continue on in this journey through grief as God continues His good work of healing in my heart. This is not to say that I will stop rejoicing over the life that AJ had. But it is time for me to take another obedient step in this journey of redemption.
Through the pain and grief God has carried me through He has opened many doors for me to minister to others. It is still in its very early stages but I see a powerful ministry taking root. I am not sure how this will all look, but I am excited to be walking and figuring it out. One step I'm taking in this direction is lifting my chin up and embracing who I am, my story and what God has given me to share. I have built a new website that will be more specifically focused. I will continue writing on this new site under the 'thoughts' page...but I will aim to keep it more ministry and biblically focused.
It tugs on my heart to acknowledge that this is my final blog on this website. As hard as it is to turn the page and take this next step, I know it is time. I feel His hand leading me onto this new ground. For those of you who would like to continue to follow along in this journey with me, you can now refer to my 'thoughts' page on the new site. I intend to be writing there and updating it regularly. Please check out my new website:
www.kelliebuffington.com
I am grateful for this journal and all that it has been. I am grateful for all of you who have followed Eli and I's story over the years. Thank you for your encouraging comments all along the way. Please continue to follow along with us into this new chapter of our lives. I have been so blessed by the relationships and friendships that have grown out of this journal and would love to see them continue.
Bless you all richly and thank you for your prayers which have surely been used to carry me through what otherwise would have been an impossible 3 years. I'm still walking with a limp, but at least I am walking at all. This is no small miracle--it is a gift I greatly rejoice over. All praise be to God!
So...(deep breath)...now I end this final blog with a few of AJ's last words. A relevant and perfect way to turn the page:
"God's plan is always exciting. And God is always good.".........................
posted by Kellie # 1:21 PM
