Cottage Cheese
I often get on kicks with the things I eat. I like predictability in my day and usually one of the ways that is best expressed for me is through my meals. Take breakfast for example- it is cereal every morning, it always has been this way and probably always will be. Sure I vary the cereal brand from time to time- but it's gotta be something I can pour milk all over and eat with a spoon.
I am similar with lunches, for months at I time I'll eat mostly the same meal for lunch every day. My lunch kick for the past few months has been mixing cottage cheese with strawberry jelly and grapes. It is so delicious and refreshing. I snack a lot through out the day so I usually don't eat a huge lunch. My bowl of cottage cheese is just right to tide me over.
I looked on the bottom of the cottage cheese carton as I was finishing it off and saw the date it expires is December 22. I found that interesting because December 22 is a significant day for me. Four years ago on this day AJ and I were married. That was such a beautiful special day four years ago, and now today- well... that is the date my cottage cheese expires. I don't know whether this realization made me want to cry more or laugh more.
I am thankful for the holidays and significant days that dot the years. I think of AJ everyday and I miss AJ everyday and I am thankful for His life and the life we shared together everyday. But there is so much, so much to miss and so much to be thankful for and so much to grieve. Having the significant days help guide this process.
AJ and I's anniversary will always be a significant day for me. But AJ and I always said through out the process of planning our rather large wedding that it is not so much about the day as it is about the life we are going to be starting together. This day just marks the beginning of that life- of living that life committed to each other and joining in the walk as one, as a team.
So today, December 22, is a special day that I will always have to hold onto as a day to sit and smile, sit and cry, sit and remember AJ and I's marriage and what a blessed love it was that we shared. It is a day to do more than just remember our wedding, and it was a beautiful wedding- but it is a day to remember the life we started together, the two roads that became one. Today is a day to smile extra big at the high honor and privilege I was given and entrusted with of being married to Andrew Jones Buffington, to celebrate getting to be his wife.
Last year this was quite possibly the hardest day of the year for me. It was so dark and so lonely and so sad. I remember feeling so so sad. But this year feels different. God has done an incredible grace work in me. I know I am different and have grown a lot through out this past year. I have really entered into those deep places of grief- those places that scared me and intimidated me, those places I was afraid to let myself go to because I was afraid to feel.
It took trust, it took trusting God with my heart and trusting Him to hold it as it broke. It took trusting Him to put it together again. It took faith that as He promises to lead us from glory to glory that He would do this with my heart and its restoration. It took time... it is still taking time. It will take time. I know it will get easier and praise God it has already begun to lighten, but this will be something I carry with me for the rest of my life. I might be walking again- but I'll always walk with a limp, I'll always carry my scars.
My scars are becoming testaments to God's faithfulness. They show His healing and His faithfulness. They are an echo to the wound that was once there but now is in the process of being healed and made whole again. The scars are a trademark of redemption.
We all bare these trademarks. This life is rough and we get wounded along the road. When we open these wounds up to the finger of God He can bring His healing touch. Sometimes the touch is not comforting at first. Sometimes it is hard and painful, like pouring alcohol into the wound to purge it from infection, but in the end this will lead to more complete healing, in the end it is the best way, it is what needs to be done.
Even if we ignore our scars they are still there. They are just getting calloused over. That does not mean they disappear, but that also does not mean the finger and love of God can not penetrate into them. He can remove the callouses and bring His healing to even the most hardened places of our hearts if we just let Him go there, if we share it with Him and trust Him to do it...to be good...to be faithful.
I was scared of this. I guess I was scared of God, scared of the Power and scared of being let down. But God has come despite my weak faith and taken this fear from me. His perfect love casts out all fear. His love is perfect enough to cover even our imperfect selves- fears and hearts included. He is enough.
These past two years have been a time of overcoming the fear and learning to begin feeling again, feeling the pain and feeling the finger of God. It has been covered in God's grace. This path has not always been easy, but it has been right and it has been God's best for me. It has been a time of soaking in the presence of God and letting His waves of healing wash over me, all of me. And to my doubting fearful weak heart He came boldly and uninhibited. He came subtly and gently and all the while assuring me, 'I am good and I am enough for you. Let me. Trust me.'
So what is my anthem this day, this significant day shared with the date of when my cottage cheese expires? Great is thy faithfulness! Cottage Cheese might expire, our bodies might expire but God's love will never expire- it will never go bad, never run out and never spoil!
I am overcome today by God's faithfulness to me- His faithfulness to me throughout the past 2 years, despite loosing one of the best things I've ever had- AJ. I am amazed at His faithfulness to me today... to bring me here today, right now, for such a time as this. I am grateful to be walking with Him still. It is His grace that has brought me this far and I know His grace will lead me home. I am grateful that even though there were times that I tried to run...wanted to run- He never let me go and never let me down. I am grateful for all the ways He is injecting my life and my heart with His redemption.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!!!!
For the past 24 hours I have had this song playing nearly ceaselessly, it is a beautiful song by Sara Groves (who is one of my favorite Christian artists, you should check out her site www.saragroves.com). This song has brought me to tears many times. I am overwhelmed at His faithfulness to me. I listen to this and wish it was a song I could have written, for these words say it all! They echo my heart beautifully. I will end with sharing this beautiful expression of words from a heart cushioned in the love of God.
Great is Thy Faithfulness
By Sara Groves
Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me
I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only and trusting His hand
All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me
This is my anthem this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful He will be again
His loving compassion it knows no end
All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me
He's always been faithful to me... I marvel in His faithfulness. In His faithfulness I can see His perfect sufficiency for me. In His faithfulness I wonder how I ever fail to trust Him. In His faithfulness I know no want and am completely satisfied. In His faithfulness is perfect peace and absolute rest.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
Lord, You are good. You are sufficient, and beyond that, You are abundant in Your supply. When You rain down it is not a lite sprinkle- You pour down in buckets Your goodness and mercy upon us Your children, Your beloved. Thank You Thank You THANK YOU!!!
I am so in love with You. Words are insufficient in describing how overwhelming Your love is. And to think, You have never wavered in Your love for me. Your love is just as faithful as You are. With joy and with pain, with life and with death, with laughter and with grief- Your love is constant and you are faithful through it all.
Your faithfulness assures me that I am safe in You. Your faithfulness assures me that I will never be lacking. Your faithfulness assures me that I have a reason to hope, that I have a glorious tomorrow and inheritance in You. Your faithfulness both excites me and quiets me.
Thank You Lord. Thank You Lord...
Great is Your faithfulness, Lord unto me!
posted by Kellie # 2:25 PM
