Waiting and Empowered
I write these words as I gaze upon the beautiful vast Atlantic Ocean. The solitudic rythym of the waves gracing against the shore are permiating any places of unrest within me. This is peace. Outer Banks, North Carolina is where the scene is layed. I am here on vacation with my family. It is so wonderful and such a blessing to be together in such a beautiful place.
The lazy days and the stillness of life here offers much time to bask in the presence of God- to wade in His waters; to let His peace and love wash over me. Sometimes the silence is a scary place to be, sometimes there are painful realities in the silence. But to the silence we must go to hear the voice of God for it is in the silence that He is the loudest, it is in the silence that we can best hear Him.
Peace, be still oh my soul. Let all that is within me bless His holy name.
The balm of the Lord is penetrating into my inmost being and bringing healing, soothing the sores and hurts of life past. I must continue to allow God to do this work in my heart. This is the restoration of the cross. This is the redemption I yearn for. This work is vital to knowing the abundant life promised in Christ.
I have had a difficult time grasping the concept of expectations in relation to God. My life has not gone as I expected. I keep getting these ideals, these expectations of what the promised land I have set out to enter looks like. (A husband/father for Eli, a house, a family, a successful ministry, beauty, perfection...) Each time I try to journey there I find myself on a different road, I feel frustrated and dissappointed. But the road God continues to lead me down brings blessings and redemption in unexpected ways that I was not looking for. It is always perfectly what I need. It is always more of Him.
I know I am in His will as I wait on Him. I am really beginning to let go of what I think I need and even think I want. Waiting on God in the end will be the only road to true satisfaction and fulfillment. But there is a balance to this truth of surrender. We do not want to resent God as we wait. The purpose of the waiting is to grow us to trust and know God in a greater way.
I didn't realize how close I had come to crossing this line. My scale was tipping steaply. Thankfully there is the abundant love of God. Thankfully through Christ, in the stillness I can enter the presence of God to recieve loving revelation and wisdom from Him.
I was hanging out with God the other day and praying as I often do. We were talking about nothing too serious or earth moving. I was praying about the usual things I bring before His throne. One major topic is surrender. I feel as though I must constantly lay down my desires; make them known to God and then let Him do it His way and fulfill them or not fulfill them as He sees fit.
I was doing this about one desire in particular, something I have wrestled in prayer over for a long time. I have begged God for this, tried to manipulate Him with good behavior, I have wept for this and thrown many a tantrums over this one thing I yearn for but can't seem to have right now. I am at the end of myself in regards to this desire. I felt as though I had reached the point of true total and absolute surrender. I thought I was right where God wanted me.
This is what I was talking to God about. I was surrendering my surrender. "I give up God, I guess I might as well stop asking because You are clearly going to give it or not give it how and when You see fit." To this frustrated statement God gently responded by rocking my world and flipping it over! He said quite clearly to me, "I am not trying to defeat you!"
Then He kept repeating those words and letting them penetrate deep into my heart. "I am not trying to defeat you. I am not trying to defeat you. I am not trying to defeat you."
What did God mean by this? Of course, He wouldn't want to defeat me, I was His child! Why would He say this to me? I took this to Him and asked Him for understanding. This is what He revealed to me:
"I am not trying to defeat you. You are defensive and on your guard but there is no need to be. I am not going to rob you of any pleasure or good gift I have for you, and trust me, they are abundantly in store for you! I love you. You are my child. Nothing will change this. The point of surrender is not so I win, it is for your growth. I am not trying to win, we are not fighting against each other. It is not a defeat I seek. I want to empower you. I want you to have what is perfect and best for you. I want you to let me do this because I love you so. I am not trying to defeat you. Let your guard down, let Me empower you, let Me love you. Surrendur to My way because I know and love you better than you could ever know and love yourself. Trust me, I am good. I am not trying to defeat you. Peace, be still."
This was an astounding revelation to me! I didn't realize how defeated by God that I'd felt. I didn't realize the lie I was believing. I didn't realize the root of bitterness that was beginning to grow within me. I couldn't see past this to see God's love and wisdom in the waiting. But surely He is good and is not simply Lording over me. He is not on an ego trip- He is God and has no reason to be. He is secure in who He is and does not need to be validated! The call to absolute surrendur is a call made out of absolute love.
I must surrender out of love, trust and faith- not out of defeat and frustration. For to surrender in this way would denote that once I received the things I was waiting on God for, I would feel like I won and like I defeated God and convinced Him to give me what I wanted. I can't control God. This type of surrender does not promote love of God or growing in knowlege of Him. For once the surrender is no longer necessary everything would return just as it was before the surrender, there would be no heart change- no growth. It all would be wasted.
God wants us to surrender to Him so He can empower us, so we can grow and so our hearts can be conformed to His will. When He gives us the desires which we surrendered, He will be glorified and we will further be sanctified. We will see His sovereignty and wisdom in the waiting and withholding, then in the bestowing and blessing. There will be greater love of God; a deeper more intimate relationship and fellowship to be shared.
I am realizing now that no amount of begging or crying or tantrums or perfection will give me what I want. I must stop trying to change God's will for me and instead beg Him to change my heart, conforming it to His will.
There is great peace to be found in the waiting. Growth occurs through the waiting. No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who wait on Him!
Wait on Him in prayer. Wait on Him through reading and meditating on the promise of His Word. Wait on Him in His presence. Worship Him and let His love wash over you as you trust Him in the waiting. His love is unconditional. Wait on Him till He has saturated you with His love.
posted by Kellie # 2:01 PM
