Loved Through My Own Tears
I love Christmas. I love it for all the right reasons and for all of the wrong reasons too. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus, my savior and king. I love advent and all the songs inspiring us to come and adore Him who is away in a manger because of the joy He brought to all the world for the rest of time on that silent night; it was a holy night that now inspires us to celebrate this holiday! I love that Jesus is the reason for the season...
But I also love many of the things of Christmas that are part of our culture. I love Christmas lights and decorations. I wish they could adorn our homes all year long. I never complain, but instead am excited when I see the first embellishments of Christmas decking the halls even before Thanksgiving has arrived. I love Christmas music, timeless sing-a-longs known by all. I love all the delectable delicacies of Christmas: sugar cookies, peanut butter fudge, honey baked ham, only red and green M&Ms, casseroles and the list goes on and on...
I really love the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas. This is so much fun for me since I love receiving gifts but I also derive so much pleasure in giving gifts. I love to give thoughtful gifts that often took much effort on my behalf. It is a way I enjoy loving others well. Plus, hopefully these types of gifts are treasured a bit longer instead of becoming next year's clutter.
I love Christmas so much that when AJ and I were engaged and trying to pick a date for our wedding we quickly and excitedly agreed on December 22nd. We figured Christmas would be a great time for a wedding, afterall, it is the most wonderful time of the year!
Our wedding was beautiful and classy. The men in black tuxes and the maids in long black dresses carrying red roses. The church was decorated with poinsettias and garland offering up such a yuletide aroma. At the reception we all were rockin' around the Christmas tree and kisses were exchanged with every jingle of the bells, they were silver bells of course.
After the wedding we were off to honeymoon in beautiful sunny Cat Island in the Bahamas. We certainly took many walks in our warm, sandy winter wonderland together. AJ labeled our resort as 5 star camping. We both agreed it was absolutely perfect for us. The rooms had no AC so we were forced to be lulled to sleep by the sound of God keeping the ocean within its boundaries and hearing the affects of the wind against the palm trees.
Snuggled in our ocean view hammock we read the romantic classic, Fast Food Nation and decided to avoid McDonald's for the rest of our lives. (I think that lasted about a month.) We ate all our meals at set times, family style, which forced us to meet everyone staying in our 16 room resort, the biggest resort on the island. We had so much fun making friends and learning about other's lives and interests. This was so enriching to our entire experience.
We brought in the new year bohemian style with soup made from local pumpkins and fresh lobster caught hours earlier, which I loved. But, AJ, on the otherhand, who wished he was allergic to seafood- he disliked it so much, had a steak prepared soley for him. The chef only made one steak that evening and it was for my sweetheart.
We loved celebrating our first Christmas together as our new family. We had an 18 inch tree decorated with candy canes sitting on our side table and wedding gifts all over the house. We drank mugs of hot chocolate and listened to our favorite Christmas CD, light Christmas Jazz. It was such a holly jolly Christmas- filled with laughter and fun and love.
This Christmas seems to be so different this year. The M&Ms are now only blue and yellow- well not really- but if only the difference and the 'offness' of the season could be so easily explained away. But Christmas, a holiday and season which once brought so much joy and gladness to my heart, now brings pain.
In church last Sunday, during our regular time of prayer, I asked God to comfort all the lonely people in the world whose hearts are hurting during this time of year. I almost felt guilty for even praying such a prayer because it seemed too presumptuous. I thought, maybe I should have just prayed for all the hurting Christians or all the broken hearts in Orlando. But then, as I thought more, I was confident in my prayer- God can handle a huge request like that! He is not intimidated by my meager and seemingly extensive requests! He is so much huger than that. He very gently but obviously showed me that and put me back in my rightful place on Sunday.
I never understood how Christmas could be a hard season for anyone until now. It seems like during this time of year everything is magnified. When I was on the joyful end of the stick- my joy was heightened during this holiday. But now, seeing it from the other side of the fence, I realize even ever so meagerly, the need to pray for the broken hearts across the world during Christmas. How so many people are brought to such a deep despair that they couldn't possibly face it alone. God is close to the broken heart and the contrite spirit. He is close to everyone suffering in this season. My prayer is that they would sense His love and presence, that they would take comfort in that fact that they are not alone.
This truth, that I really am not alone has given me the most comfort this Christmas season thus far. Although I am surrounded by people nearly constantly, I still often feel very lonely. It is amazing how our hearts are designed in such an intricate way that makes it so hard for us to feel connected to, wanted, loved, needed and accepted. God makes it impossible to have any of this with out Him because He wants to give it to us and wants us to come to Him for it because He loves us so freakin' much!!!
I would like to think that it was AJ who gave me all this that my heart so deeply yearns for. Yes, he often was a source of this. He was such an awesome loving husband. But, in his absence I have begun to believe the lie that I could only have these blessings if I had AJ back or at least had a husband. I get angry and lose hope because I want the impossible and am discontent with the present.
This season has been the first time since AJ died that I have really began to question God. I guess it is more accurate to say, that I have allowed myself to ask God the questions that have been in my head for the past year.
I am not questioning His existence, sovereignty or authority. Not even really questioning His love since I know Christ showed me His love in an immeasurably extravagant way. But more, my questioning is if He cares or not about me personally, about my heart and my life. If He sees and can provide the comfort I need in a way my inadequate mind can conceive. It is hard to fathom how a God who loves so deeply can allow me to feel such pain and loss; can allow me to lose AJ, my husband and for Eli to lose his daddy.
I have been scared to death of questioning my God- as if He couldn't handle it or something! I have tried so hard to set my face like flint and keep my eyes on Christ having the simple faith like a child. But my innocence has been robbed and I have been allowed to experience one of the deepest losses known to man- a loss children don't experience- the death of my spouse- my best friend in the entire world. The pain comes from the ripping apart of what was made into one.
I had a huge revelation a few weeks ago: I do not need to defend God. He is the God of all creation and is never justified and never needs to be. He wants me to be real. He delights in an honest heart. He wants me to be hot or cold. He spits the lukewarm out of His mouth.
David lamented to God over and over again in the Psalms. God allowed his questions to be in the bible for a reason. I think a reason it is there is to teach us the language of lament. To show us what a person after God's own heart looks like- he is brutally honest with God, he is bold. I saw in how David related to God that it requires more faith to question God. It requires faith to realize that He can handle our disappointments and questioning, that He will still love us anyway, that He won't brush our concerns off as insignificant- but that He cares enough to listen, to listen closely and intently; that He cares enough to love, to still love us with an unfailing love.
Shortly after this revelation I read the end of Job (Chapter 42:7-17) and had my world shaken even more. In the last chapter just as God is about to restore Job He says to Job's friends who have been ridiculing Job about his lack of faith and questioning of God, who have been giving him tons religious jargon which seemed holy, devout, and impressive- but offered Job no comfort- "You haven't been honest either with me or about me- not the way my friend Job has."(vs.7) Job was honest with God and God responded by calling him His friend. Honesty obviously brought their relationship to a deeper level!
"My friend Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer. He will ask me not to treat you as you deserve for talking nonsense about me, and for not being honest with me, as he has."(vs.8) God accepts honest sincere prayer. He wants us to come as we are bearing our all unto Him, holding nothing back- being darefully honest. If that shows itself in me questioning Him then so be it. He doesn't ever expect me to have all the answers anyway- It is only He who is all-knowing! He just wants me to know Him.
My honesty with God has brought my grief to a new place and season. It has allowed His healing to penetrate into new greater depths. Depths I didn't even know existed. It is stretching my heart. It hurts and is hard- but I know it is good for me. I need to be here and I need His healing to wash over me completely. I know He has lead me to this place as I have been walking hand in hand with Him.
Last night was a particularly intense emotional night for me. But in that evening I felt the presence of God in one of the strongest and realest ways of my entire life. The curtain separating us was so thin. I have never experienced anything like this. It was some of the deepest pain and hurt I've ever felt simultaneous with some of the strongest love and comfort I've ever known.
Strangely, even in such empty loneliness I knew I was not alone. I began to sing, "Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from Heaven above with wisdom power and love, our God is an awesome God." Each time I believed this more and more- my weeping sorrow became weeping joy and excitement to have such an awesome God. A God who is not distant. A God who sees and knows and most importantly cares.
Tomorrow would have been AJ and I's 3rd wedding anniversary. Much of my grief last night was over what was lost and what could have been and what I still long for and yet do not have. In bringing this to God, He met me there by showing me that with or without a husband He is the only one who can provide the things my heart so yearns for. This is not to say that a husband does not provide love and comfort as well. But in the end only the unfailing, life giving, abundant love of God can truly and completely meet those needs in my heart. He created me and gave me those yearnings and desires because He wanted to be the one to fulfill them and bestow them unto me.
God is practical and tangible and will often use a spouse to be a source of His love- but He is not limited to that. Just because I no longer can experience AJ's love doesn't mean that my needs should be any less met and fulfilled. God stands there ready and longing to take His rightful place and be my hero.
Call me crazy- and I am always so hesitant to accept things like this (not me being crazy, but odd leadings from God)- last night, I felt like God nudged me to do one of the strangest things in my life thus far. Through all of our exchanges and embraces last night- every tear of mine was met with His gentle tender love and compassion. He was washing me with my own tears in His love.
I felt like He wanted to bless me in a tangible way as I had been asking Him to do. To make His love for me obvious so as to help me with my weak, doubting, feeble faith. In that, I believe He wanted me to get a ring for my right ring finger. With that ring He was making a covenant with me obvious and tangible- the covenant found in Isaiah 54:5, "For your Creator will be your husband. The Lord Almighty is his name! He is your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth." Whether or not I have an earthly husband or not does not alter the reality that my Creator, the Lord Almighty will be my husband- always!
I do not like to spend money on myself unless it is something I need. I would never just go out and buy myself a ring and do not even like the idea of it. Yet, I knew this was something God was tugging on my heart for me to do. It was like He was giving me permission to do this, encouraging me by saying this was His way of blessing me and loving me in a way that I could understand. He wanted to give me a reminder of His love, that whenever I doubt it I can look at my right hand and be reminded He has an extravagant love for me- that He does care! As it so rightly says in James 5:11, "God cares, cares right down to the last detail!"
Knowing in some round-a-bout way that God wanted me to have a ring because He loves me, made me feel special. In all the moments through out the day that I just felt like going away and crying I remembered the Lover of my Soul, that He IS the Lover of my Soul- that He loves me- and I remembered the gift of the ring. God's unconditional love for me is so hard to fathom and conceive. But knowing He wants to make His love for me real to me makes me feel special- that in itself makes His love real and tangible to me.
I find it no small significance that God is doing all of this in my heart the day before AJ and I's anniversary. This ring will symbolize my eternal union with my Savior. He is reminding me of this at the height of my loss of union with my husband. In the moment and day where the loss is the greatest He steps in and redeems by reminding me that He always has been and always will be my maker and my husband- one in the same. His love knows no bounds. In the pain of my un-anniversary He wants me to know this truth and not doubt it. Hence the significance of: 'why a ring and why now?'.
I went to Tiffany & Co. today. My fingers have been barren for nearly a year now- definitely lacking in luster. Today this changed. I found what to me was the perfect ring. It is subtle and simple. It is a silver band with one small diamond set inside the band. That is it. But I love it and all that it embodies to me: the covenant of love and everlasting union with my Hero.
I told the people assisting me in the store why I was buying a ring. One lady was very moved and brought me a bag she put together full of small 'Tiffany' goodies (no jewelry)- she said she wanted to do anything she could to help me- this was a huge outpouring of love and grace from a complete stranger.
I quietly and quite discretely bought the ring and hid all the 'Tiffany' evidence. I am waiting to unveil it till tomorrow which as you can tell by the time now has already become today, the 22nd. It has taken me a few hours to right all of this! I like the anticipation and excitement I feel now as I am waiting till it is time to be able to put the ring on.
I have the ring in the little turquoise box with the white bow sitting beside me on my desk now. I am waiting till I am sharing dinner with family in honor of AJ and I's marriage, to put the ring on. When AJ and I exchanged rings it was a special event we shared with ones we love and I want this ring to be the same way. My family does not even know about the ring at all. I am excited to share the story and excitement with them as I place the ring on my finger.
I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is- but I think God is making this a big deal because I am a 'big deal' to Him- I matter and He wants me to know it. Just like you, reading these words, matters and He wants you to know it too!
All praise be to the God of all creation, the God of love and peace, the Comforter!
posted by Kellie # 2:03 AM
