AJ's Song
In one of my previous posts I was mentioning how the anniversary of AJ's death was for me. In doing that, I mentioned briefly my gift to AJ and said I would elaborate more on a later date. Well, the later date is here and I'm ready to elaborate.
A few months ago I quite strongly began to feel led to write a song for AJ. This is something I had never attempted before. For some reason the thought has always terrified me. I think mainly because I knew that anything I could ever write would be insufficient and not come close to expressing what I was really feeling. Nothing could ever say it all.
But none the less I knew this was something I needed to do and needed to trust God in. So I began the process by praying that God would direct my heart throughout this entire process. I wanted this to serve every purpose He intended it to serve.
For the first month, I stayed quiet with the Lord and wrote down various thoughts that could become potential lyrics to the song. This often was very emotional as I tried to describe AJ and our love and the gift of his life. As I replayed memories in my mind the joy of each moment came flooding in- and with the joy came the pain of the loss.
I cried during this whole process. I cried a lot. Sometimes they were intense tears and other times gentle tears of gratefulness for what I had and what a precious gift being AJ's wife was. Through all the tears I constantly cried out to God to touch these deep exposed broken places in my heart. As the wounds were open and fresh I wanted His healing balm to penetrate into every part of me and bring wholeness again; healing hope and comfort that only He can give.
Once I had a general idea of what I wanted the song to say, I began trying to fit those thoughts to music. This process gave the words a much finer tuning because I had to fit them together in a way that would also coincide with the rhythm and the melody.
The song changed a lot throughout the process. Often when I write songs I am surprised by the outcome. They rarely end up how I imagined they would be as I began them. This song was possibly the most obvious example of this to me. But I praise God in that, because as I look through the process I can see Him directing it and shaping it, taking it beyond what I could conceive and making it what He wanted it to be.
Once I finished writing the song, I began recording it. I put it with a slideshow I made of pictures of AJ and I's time together. This is what I showed on his memorial evening.
I have watched the slideshow with the song probably 1000 times. For the first few weeks, once it was completed, I'd stay up late into the night and click play and as soon as it would end I'd click play again. This went on and on and I'd cry and cry. It was a very intense season of grief for me.
But although it was intense there was still such a reason to praise God through out it. I knew this was something He was walking me through. He led me to this place and I could feel His hand helping me through each step of this process. I could feel him holding me as I wept. I knew that he was grateful to be able to give me the healing He longed to provide.
I believe that with such a deep hurt the healing takes so much time because there are layers of healing needed. As one layer of hurt is stripped away and healing and redemption and light enters in, soon, another layer is exposed and I must chose to face it and bring it to God as well.
It is in the times of pain that God's healing can come and restore and bring comfort. But it is a process we must walk together. God can desire to heal and comfort all He wants but He won't be able to do this in my heart if I don't allow Him to enter into those places I need Him the most; if I don't go there with Him. He wants to go there with me. He wants to walk through this together. This is knowing the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.
This season of intense grief has lifted for now. I am not sure what is to come- but I am thankful for the healing I know I have had over this past year. Without Christ I would have been much to broken to go on. I praise God for the gift of laughter, the gift of joy, the gift of hope and the gift of His peace which passes all understanding. I stand here before you know telling you that His grace really IS sufficient. I am living proof of His sufficient grace.
Here are the lyrics to the song appropriately titled, AJ's Song:
Abundant life filled with joy
Abundant life filled with hope
Strong with raised hands, tallest on your knees
Each moment with you a gift undeserved
You were a man after God's own heart
Delight overflowed in your eyes
Delight overflowed in your smile
Delight overflowed in your arms
You helped me fly to Adonai
Smiling with love in your eyes
You lifted me up
Showed me true life
Gave me strength
With you, my love, I was home
To have and to hold till death do us part
Once closer than breath now worlds apart
There were too many dreams yet to be dreamed
Too many laughs made silent
As time fades to memories now silent we stand
You now fly to Adonai
Smiling with love in His eyes
He's lifted you up
Showed you true life
Given new strength
Well done, He says, welcome home
Welcome Home
Fly to Adonai
Healer, Redeemer, Giver of Life
Lover, Savior, Prince of Peace
posted by Kellie # 10:35 PM
