No-Bees-Freedom
It has been more than two weeks since the anniversary of AJ's death. This has proven to be a very significant milestone. I want to share with you some of my thoughts on grief and how I spent October 31st this year- a huge contrast to last year's experience.
AJ and I lead a group called overflow at our church. We met regularly often over a potluck dinner at our friend Paul's house. These nights were filled with fellowship while we ate; then we had a discussion, worship and prayer time. God did amazing things in our season together. He knit together a strong community in us, through which all of us were challenged and grew in our faith.
I faced a huge decision of how to spend October 31st. When I was talking with my great friend Jenny about this decision she expressed a desire to all join together again and grieve over AJ as a group. As soon as she mentioned this I knew it was the perfect thing to do. We all were dealing with the pain of losing someone we loved. I saw this evening with great potential for God to bring healing to our broken hearts.
I prayed over who to invite, wanting to be sensitive to the dynamics of the group. I knew that if we all knew each other well, that we would be able to be more open and vulnerable with each other- so I chose the list based on that fact- keeping it limited to a small group that all knew AJ and each other well.
We gathered at Paul's house for a yummy potluck dinner just like we used to do in the past. Just being together again was heart warming. The fellowship was so life giving. It felt like we hadn't ever even skipped a beat- but yet I knew that things were drastically different now.
We simply enjoyed each other's company for a few hours. Then we all gathered in the family room. I had prepared a gift for AJ (which is a long story in itself- to share with you later) that I shared with the group. Then I showed a video of AJ's time with Eli. We all were crying at the sound of his voice and the sight of his face. It was very emotional.
I had asked my good friend Tom to lead a discussion that night. He proceeded after the video to ask us all, "What has God taught you from AJ's life and from AJ's death?" That was the perfect question to ask.
I loved hearing everyone's thoughtful, emotional, and loving answers. But what got me the most sitting there in the room that night was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I was so thankful to be surrounded by such a wonderful community of friends. In addition, I was so thankful to be there as AJ's wife.
I am grateful for the privilege of being his wife. But sitting there listening to everyone talk- I saw in a greater way than ever just how amazing AJ was and what a gift it was to share life with him- to have become one with him, which Paul describes as one of the great mysteries of God in Ephesians 5:31-32. I was blessed to be able to hold my head high that night as AJ's wife.
Sometimes this realization is so overwhelming. All I can do is thank God over and over again usually with many tears of joy over His love and blessings given to me through AJ. I realize what a precious and rare gift it is to find a man who truly is after God's own heart; who has integrity and is motivated by love, who is strong and wild at heart, bold and courageous, wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. AJ encompassed all of this.
I do not say this to idolize him or exalt him. I do not want to put him on a pedestal just because he has died. I know AJ was human and therefore flawed as we all are. I know he too fell short as we all do as a mark of our flesh. But despite that, he was an amazing man and all those who were close to him recognized it. This was obvious in every word shared during our evening together on the 31st.
I grieve over missing AJ. I grieve over what could have been. But something greater gives me hope and brings me joy. This comes direct from God and penetrates into my spirit. I can feel grace being poured over me- sufficient, sustaining, strong grace. I am content because I know that in Christ I have all that I need and He is all that I need.
"A big difference exists between doubting what God may do and doubting God IS God. Even when you have no idea what God is doing, your protection is in never doubting God IS God. We're not called to have faith in our faith. We are called to have faith in God and never doubt Him." (Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ, Pg. 191)
I have joy over the gift 3 years of a life shared with AJ was. It was a huge expression of God's goodness to me. Those 3 years were a blessing- I wasn't entitled to even a second of it. Knowing that, helps me to be content instead of believing the lie that I was robbed and cheated of a future.
God is sovereign and in control. Who am I that I should be His counselor and tell Him what to do? He is all-knowing. He is the definition of wisdom, kindness, beauty, and love. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not let any weapon formed against me prosper. I am safe in His arms, resting between His shoulders. He has good plans for me- for a hope and a future, plans of peace and life- not of trouble. God is good and Jesus is Lord.
All throughout our evening together on October 31st God was flooding my spirit with light; offering me abundant comfort and a peace that passes all understanding. Once everyone was finished sharing, we all joined together for a time of prayer. For weeks prior I had been praying that God would do a mighty healing in our hearts as we joined together in His presence. And now, there we were, joined together in His presence.
I didn't feel any immediate sensation. I didn't see any bright light-bulbs illuminate. There was just an immense peace permeating the room. This peace has been settling in me ever since.
I woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed as if I had been in a cool spring on a hot summer day. I had a sense of accomplishment and assurance that God really IS enough for me! That He really DID carry me through my darkest hour. That His grace really IS sufficient and I know it undoubtedly to the very core of my being.
The first year is behind me now and hopefully no other year will be quite as hard as the first year. I have a joyful anticipation of what lies ahead. I do not know how this year will look or what it will hold, but I know this much- I am not letting go of the hand of my Guide. He will lead me safely down roads unknown into greater intimacy with Him and further destiny and purpose in my life.
Grief ebbs and flows. I have learned this firsthand over the past year. I know that there are many different seasons of grief. I prefer to call them seasons rather than stages because I think grief is something that once it touches your heart it will forever stay- it is not a stage that you pass through and leave behind. It is like C.S. Lewis' example of loosing a leg- you get over the initial pain of the amputation- but you will never have your leg again. You will learn how to walk with assistance- but you will always have a limp.
I know God delivers and heals, but grief changes us and touches us in such a deep way- it is impossible to not be permanetly effected by it. Even through God's redemption of grief- there is still a mark to remain as proof of His grace and healing power. He uses it to perfect us and draw us into a deeper intimacy with Himself- it is impossible to behold Him and not be transformed.
Isaiah 61:3,"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for HIS OWN glory."
I have been tempted to feel guilty about how I am grieving. But God has recently set me free from this. I have diligently and faithfully prayed ever since AJ died that I would grieve in a healthy way. I have persistently come to God with this petition and laid my heart and pain at His feet. This is too big for me to handle and the emotions are too deep for anything and anyone except the King of Majesty. I've realized that in my feeling guilty about how I was grieving it showed that I was not truly trusting God with my heart- that I had not fully let go and allowed God to hold it and heal it.
I was putting pressure on myself about what I thought was right. I was allowing fear of other's judgments to shape my emotions and the account of my heart. I felt guilty for being sad and down becuase it seemed as though God's grace wasn't enough for me. I felt guilty for feeling any joy and happiness because it seemed as though devastation and crying was the only acceptable and appropriate emotion. But my joy never was from anything else but from the grace of God and His love and kindness. So to reject it would be false as well.
All of this came to a head recently as I was hanging out with the Lover of my Soul one afternoon outside. I was sharing this frustration with Him when He gave me a significant revelation.
He IS in charge of my heart. He IS helping me grieve in a healthy way and I need to continue to trust Him with this. Grief, like everything else- requires faith. I am walking in His sufficient grace and my joy comes from Him and from drawing near to Him and remaining close with Him. It is not denial. It is not forced. It is not sugar-coated. It is pure, genuine, raw grace. Likewise, bringing the pain to Him and allowing God's healing balm to penetrate it is necessary, it is another expression of His grace.
This is a mighty testimony of God's goodness and power and might. His ability to carry me through this speaks volumes of His character. But I was having trouble recognizing this. Instead, I was feeling pressure and being tempted to believe that I would have a stronger story and testimony if I stayed down in the dark trenches of death, doom, despair and self pity longer. That my road was going to be a long hard road- but the glory from the redemption would bring much praise to God.
There is truth in that, and I know my road has been and will be hard. I cry, I miss AJ and that pain is at time overbearing, but I do not believe God wants me to refuse the grace He is holding out before me as an offering and free gift right now. I do not need to prove my love for AJ by how hard I grieve over him. I should not grieve as the world grieves. I can't measure my grief against anyone else. Everyone grieves in different ways- that doesn't make one thing right and another wrong. I think the important thing is to be honest with myself and with God and to continue to allow Him to mend my brokeness.
While I grieve and miss AJ- I still have hope and joy because AJ is not the source of my hope and joy. My Source will never leave me or run dry- my Source is Jesus Christ. I believe it is an even greater miracle to never have to be pulled up out of the mire! As C.S. Lewis said on page 43 of A Grief Observed, "The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness."
Psalm 112:4, "When darkness overtakes the godly, light will come bursting in."
Psalm 139:11-12, "I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night- but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you."
I want to be genuine and real. I want to trust God with my emotions- whether joyful or painful. I do not want to conjure up anything, but instead I want to simply be me and walk through the seasons of grief with my hand clenched firmly onto my Daddy's hand. He will receive all the glory- in the end (and we do know the end) every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.
I do not need to force a story or an ending. I simply need to allow God to replace my stony heart with a heart of clay (Ezekiel 11:19 & 36:26). The freedom of submission is life-giving, peace-abounding, and joy-overflowing freedom. It is run with a flowy dress through a field of blossoming wildflowers and no bees freedom. (Not that I have ever done that- but it sounds fun and free and exhilarating to me:)
posted by Kellie # 2:01 AM
