Milestone
I hardly know what to write today but I felt the need to at least post something. There is about a million things I could say about this past year, about AJ, about life, about God's truly sufficient grace. Soon, I hope to collect my thoughts on this past year but I want to get through this significant day first.
Today is the first anniversary of my beloved husband AJ's glorious renewal from this fallen world into the extravagant communion with all the saints that have gone before us... even more, with the creator of the universe, our Lord the giver of TRUE LIFE, Jesus Christ, Abba.
From my perspective, as I sit here in my chair on this earth- little about AJ's death was glorious. But if I imagine what AJ's experienced that night- what a glorious event it must have been. The glory he beheld at 6:48 pm a year ago today was I'm sure all-surpassing! He went from enjoying time driving and singing with me, us both being silly together, with his pride and joy- his son, Eli, happily in the back seat. Life was perfect- I wouldn't have changed a thing! To the next instant...in the blink of an eye- He is standing before the throne of God. Except, I imagine standing was the last thing he could do. He was probably flat on his face, bowed down in worship in the beauty of His holiness.
Realizing that from the eternal perspective- while yes, life on this earth often sucks and is hard and does not feel good- LIFE IS SHORT! While weeping last for the night...joy will come. AJ is not bound to our limits of time anymore. To him, he turns around and all of us are joining with him in heaven worshipping our God together- feasting at the banqueting table- truly fulfilling our destinies. That is how I respond to the question of how can heaven be a happy place if AJ knows that we are in such writhing pain here on earth with out him. How can it be paradise if he won't ever be able to see his son take his first steps or go to kindergarten or graduate highschool or play little league or get married?
He must get to partake in these events in some way that I can't understand. But I know heaven is all joy and no pain. But imagine seeing our grief from eternity. AJ can see how many ways God is redeeming this whole situation. He knows the end of the story- God wins, death is defeated and we WILL break bread together- SOON!!! He must see how we are all shining like stars in the midst of such loss; how we are literally clinging to the Hand of our Comforter so tightly that our nuckles are white. He is part of the cloud of witnesses now- cheering us on and I bet that gives him a great satisfying joy!
We have made it through a huge year. An awful year. A redeemed year. A year that was pierced with hope.
I received an email today from Gary Haugen the director of the International Justice Mission (www.ijm.org). He put this well, "As the Apostle Paul suggested, we pray that we may be those who are saved from grieving without hope."
Hope that I know I will be with AJ again has put balm onto my severed heart.
How did I get through this past year? One day at a time... walking in my Father's daily sufficient grace. How will I continue to grieve and live out these times that lay before me? One day at a time... walking in my Father's daily sufficient grace.
Thank you for your prayers through this difficult season. I can physically feel His presence lifting me up and His grace washing over me- not a nice peaceful stream with a gentle trickle- but more like a rushing waterfall- fierce and intentional- but oh so refreshing and exhilarating. That's the grace in which I want to continue to daily dwell emersed in.
posted by Kellie # 4:26 PM
