Heart-Shattered Life Ready for Love
A few weeks ago I had a life changing encounter with the creator of the universe. I was attending church with someone dear to me whom I was visiting. For weeks prior to this day I had been stressing the need for something in my life to change. I didn't want things to remain the same way that they had been any longer.
I didn't know what that change would be or how it would look or where it would come from. I just knew that I wanted a change to occur.
I walked into the doors of the church a few minutes late with little anticipation of what was about to take place in my life.
The sermon was on a familiar passage in Revelation 2:4-5, "But I have this complaint against you. You don't love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first."
In the verses preceding these words God points out many good things these people have done and how hard they have worked and served Him. Following this passage He again points out good things they have done that have pleased Him. What is so convicting about this passage is that it is clearly directed towards veteran Christians. People who have been walking with the Lord and have a deep relationship with Him. People who serve Him and have laid down their lives and own ambitions to please Him.
But yet, that is not what God desired most from His people; His servants; His beloved. He desired them- He desired their love and affections. It grieved Him that they did not love Him with all their heart, soul and strength. Their acts of service and efforts were good, yes, but God desired them- He longed to hold their hearts in the palm of His hands.
Psalm 40:6, "Doing something for you, bringing something to you- that's not what you're after. Being religious, acting pious- that's not what you're asking for. You've opened my ears so I can listen."
Psalm 51:16-17, "Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."
Hosea 6:6, "I'm after love that lasts, not more religion. I want you to know God, not go to more prayer meetings." (The Message Bible)
During the sermon on this passage the preacher pointed out that these people were walking shoulder to shoulder with God. It is great to be walking next to God, shoulder to shoulder, by His side. But God longs for more. He wants us to be face to face with Him. He wants His captivating gaze to penetrate deep into our souls. He desires the intimacy of looking into one another's eyes.
We are often so content to be shoulder to shoulder with Christ. It is a comfortable place to be and it feels good. We are near to Him and have the benefits of being in His presence and walking with him. But there is so much more that could be ours. There is a greater love and intimacy He longs to share with us.
I was so convicted by this revelation and truth. I saw how complacent, comfortable, and content I had become in my safe position shoulder to shoulder with Christ. I realized that the rush of looking into His eyes had evaded me. I hadn't felt that for some time now and hadn't even missed it or yearned for it which broke my heart even more. I saw a huge void in my life. I recognized the needed for a renewed passion, romance, and excitement with my Savior and Creator.
I longed to be face to face with Him; to embrace Him with all the love I had in me and still ask Him for more. The words of the Shema were resounding in my mind: Deuteronomy 6:5, "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all you soul, and all your strength."
I don't know what it is I am so afraid of. I do not know why I do not constantly and immediately gaze into the eyes of the Prince of Peace. Is it that He might actually see the true me? Well, He sees that anyway whether I show it to Him or not. He knows me better than I even know me.
Am I afraid that I will actually be transformed from beholding His beautiful majesty? Do I fear how that would require me to let go of pleasures this world gives me in exchange for the eternal treasures that come from knowing Him? Why am I so attached to my comfort zone that I limit myself to living in a box when it is God who has set eternity in my heart?!?
I wonder if the greatest thing I fear that holds me back from the intimate position with the Lord my God is the fear that He would actually be there looking back into my face and gazing deep into my eyes. Could I handle His penetrating stare? Could I behold such a love that would be shown for me in the beauty of His holiness? Would I melt like wax and be brought to my knees by such a great and fierce love?
In Brennan Manning's book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, on page 212-213 he says, "Love has its own exigencies. It weighs and counts nothing but expects everything. Perhaps that explains our reluctance to risk. We know only too well that the gospel of grace is an irresistible call to love the same way. No wonder so many of us elect to surrender our souls to rules rather than to living in union with Love."
All of these thoughts were racing through my mind as the preacher continued on with his sermon. As he was wrapping up to transition into communion he was inviting us to fall in love with our God all over again by saying that often you do fall in love over a meal; through sharing meals together. Communion is a meal that we share together with Christ; a place where we can fall deeper in love with Him. This got me so fired up to meet with God at His banqueting table.
This particular Sunday we were sitting in the 2nd row with no one in front of us which meant that we were the first to partake of the bread and wine; the body and blood. Afterwards, I returned to my seat and closed my eyes and opened my heart to my Father. As I did this I saw a beautiful vision in my mind's eye.
It was all in real time, AJ was still dead and Eli was still alive, but somehow they were together for this brief moment and it made sense. What I saw was Eli, a toddler, running as fast as his little legs could take him towards his daddy. AJ was standing there with his arms outstretched and his huge delightful grin overtaking his face. They were both so excited and overjoyed to be in each other's presence. Their embrace was indescribable. AJ scooped Eli up into his arms and hugged him so tight. They both lavished their love on each other with every ounce of strength and energy that they possessed.
After seeing the beautiful brief reunion of AJ and Eli, God showed me the same things taking place with other children and their fathers. Each one so intimate. Each one as intensely joyful and loving as AJ and Eli's reunion.
Then here's when it really got me the most. God showed me the same reunion only this time I was the little girl and He was the father. He scooped me up in His arms and hugged me so tight. We lavished our love on each other. It was so sweet and intimate and even a bit playful. I was in His lap and tickled Him behind His ears and made Him laugh. I laid my head on His shoulder and He pulled me closer. It felt so good there. It was the definition of perfect peace. I never wanted to leave.
Meanwhile, around me there is a church service going on and a steady stream of people walking past me to receive communion. But I didn't notice or care. I was so enveloped in time with the Lover of my Soul. I was boohooing like a madwoman. Sobbing with tears streaming down my face- making sniffing noises and all. To onlookers I must have been a sight to behold!
As all this was happening inside me it was like God ripped off a veil that was covering my ears. Suddenly, all I could here was the communion servants repeating, "The body of Christ broken for you." This was a constant droning pounding into my heart. All this, after the experience I had just had with my heavenly Father.
"The body of Christ broken for you."
"The body of Christ broken for you."
"The body of Christ broken for you."
Over and over I heard this and each time it became more meaningful and grew in intensity. It was overwhelming. I was understanding in a greater way how deep the love of Christ is. That His body was broken for ME all so that I could share in that intimate reunion with my Father!
Then fear began to creep in. I was begging God to change me to forgive me for forsaking my first love. I begged Him to really transform me. I realized this was the change I had been searching for over these past weeks. This was what I needed. I had been saying something MUST change in my life- and this is what it MUST be. I wanted to fall more madly in love with my Savior. I desperately NEEDED to fall more madly in love with my Savior.
I begged God not to let me return to the way that I had previously been. I didn't want to go through this whole experience with Him and not be moved and not be changed. I didn't want to walk out of the church doors and have everything go back to how it had been between my God and myself. I committed to loving Him- to really loving Him and seeking Him with all my heart, soul and strength- to being His; face to face.
"Abba, I run into your loving embrace. I gaze into your eyes and behold the love and beauty there. I am captivated. Speechless...................................."
posted by Kellie # 10:37 AM
