Getting Closer
During the sermon on Sunday the preacher said something so profound. It was a simple revelation that meant a lot to me. He said, "We often want to think of God as the Preventer- but it is more accurate to see Him instead as the Redeemer." I found that comforting. While yes, He can and does prevent- He more often seems to redeem instead.
These words gave me some small revelation about the accident. I wish God would have prevented everything that happened nearly a year ago- I know He could have! I can't ever understand why He didn't- but I can be assured that He will and is redeeming it. He has promised to do so- to work ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know I love Him and want that love to grow stronger every day.
I miss AJ like crazy. I have gone through so many stages with seeing pictures of him. Sometimes I want his face all over the room. I want to see him all the time- other seasons I can hardly bear to look at them and I put the pictures away in my drawer. I am in a season again of wanting to look at him a lot- to see his face, his smile and his life.
Gosh, I miss him. Oh what I'd do to just squeeze him. Those of you who are married
know how it is to just be able to squeeze your husband- to feel him in your arms and feel the safety and comfort there. Yeah, I miss that along with everything else about him.
While the grief is still very real and strong. While the missing AJ is still prevalent. I feel as though I have turned a corner as well. It is so odd and even caught me off guard. I feel like I am doing better than I have been all year. I am getting excited about life and becoming happy again, truly happy. Smiles are more intense. Laughter is more liberating and invigorating.
I feel content, truly content for the first time since AJ died. I am almost scared to admit being content because I know that whenever I become content God changes something. For example, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. It seemed as though all my friends around me were having babies. I begged God to bless AJ and I with a bundle of joy too. It became all I could think about and pray about. I was becoming unsatisfied with my life. But God waited for me... when I truly gave it up and gave it to Him and trusted God with it I then became content with the life He had given me. I stopped trying to change His mind and do things the way I thought was best. Once I had released it and began living my life again- satisfied and content with Him and all He had given me, then He allowed us to get pregnant.
It has happened over and over like this in my life with big and little things. When all I wanted was a bigger house, God waited on me. I finally became truly content with the house God had given us and saw it as a huge blessing and gift. I realized I wasn't even entitled to a trash can! God then moved us to DC and our house was twice the size. But it didn't have the same effect on me that it would have had- had I received it on my terms. I had learned that a house brought no joy- but God and the life inside the house is what brings fulfillment.
God has never moved in my life on my timing or when I thought it was best. This is clearly showing me that I have no clue about good, better, best. God is sovereign and has a perfect way of working things together for the best. When I give up, stop striving, and am content with His ways, I realize again that He is really all I need. It is only after that change in my heart that He releases me to that next season of glory. I know when it seems as though I am waiting on God it more often is Him waiting on me.
Contentment is a bit allusive- it is impossible to force ourselves to be content or to fake contentment. I can't just say, "OK God, I'm content so now I'm ready for what you have for me." God can't be manipulated- I've tried it and it doesn't work darn it. But seriously- His ways are perfect. He is never early and never late. He knows us better then we even know ourselves. I am so glad and CONTENT to know that He is in control. I am glad to know that He has me hemmed into His will and that in His love He withholds from me the things that I want and instead gives me what I really need.
I am reading a really good book right now. It's a simple, quick read- by Stormie Omartin. It is one of her newer books, titled: JUST ENOUGH LIGHT FOR THE STEP I'M ON. I am finding it encouraging and enlightening- pun intended. She is basically reminding me over and over that God is all I need; that He has got me right where He wants me.
My favorite quote from what I have read from the book thus far is: "The unknown is not so frightening when we realize that our all-knowing God is in it." I find this so comforting to me because God is in control and His grace is perfectly sufficient. He has given me all I need and never left me lacking. If I needed more- He'd have given it to me. Whatever the 'it' is that I think I need for the month - if I really needed it then God would provide it. He is the supplier of all our needs according to His riches and glory.
He is able to do more than what we could ever ask or imagine; dream or dare to hope for. I know I often limit God by desiring small things when He really wants to open the floodgates of heaven and rain down blessings over me. Sometimes what we see as God saying 'No' is really Him saying- 'Wait, I want to give you more. I won't let you settle- I love you too much!' This truth is liberating when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
I clearly have just enough light for the step I'm on. I do not know what is next for me or what God is about to do. He might be all knowing- but He is always surprising me and showing me how little I know! Praise God we walk by faith and not by sight or I'd be a mess and totally lost and confused. I find such peace and rest in trusting Him with my life and to order my steps. I know He loves me and wants to prosper me; to give me hope and a future. I find contentment and rest knowing that He is in control and all I have to do is hold onto Him.
I know I am safe in His arms; close to His heart. I know He's got me and He won't ever let me go. When I feel lost or anxious it is always when I step away by putting confidence in my own plans and wisdom instead of God. But He is always there reaching out His hand to hold me close and guide my feeble walk.
I want to be closer to Him. I know that even the desire to desire Him is a gift to ask God for, one that He freely gives. I want to want Him more. I continue to echo that prayer. I want to truly walk face to face with Him; not ever being content with being shoulder to shoulder- but an intimate walk with my eyes gazing deep into the eyes of my Savior; my Prince; the Lover of my Soul.
As the anniversary of the time AJ really began LIVING approaches, I do find it hard to believe it has nearly been a year since AJ's passing. This past year has been so out of time for me. In some ways I feel like I saw AJ yesterday- thankfully some memories are still that vivid; in other ways I feel like it was a lifetime ago- years- since I have seen him. In a lot of ways it was a lifetime ago because my life was so different with him- very little is reminiscent of how things were when AJ was still here on this earth.
When I was talking to a good friend the other day (God has blessed me with such a wonderful group of friends- but that it a whole other blog) I was realizing how it could feel like the past year was a week long and a decade long all at the same time. I think it's when I think of AJ and the life we shared that I remember him clearly. The memories are so real and so close to my heart. They are still fresh. It is then that I feel like it has only been a week; like AJ was just here with us.
But, when I think about the accident and the month of November '04, that seems like eons ago. I remember the long tear filled days in the hospital; the smell of the flowers and snot filled kleenex all over the hospital room; the feeling of being hugged by fellow sobbers almost continuously through out the days; that initial sharp pain of having my husband ripped away. Thankfully that intense time seems more distant now as through time God has been able to begin radically healing my heart. Any healing God provides must be radical to suffice for such a radical loss.
All I know is that this past year seems to have been completely out of the constraints of time. I have had this year anniversary as a milestone marker in my mind. I am hopeful that no year is as hard as the first year of suffering grief. As I have been walking through this year of firsts with out AJ, I know that each year it will hopefully become a little easier, the pain a little less.
I look at the one year mark with a sense of accomplishment. I know I have done nothing on my own accord- but my faith has grown in leaps and bounds by truly knowing that God's grace is ALWAYS sufficient. To know that He is enough for me and that He has carried me this far and that He will continue to carry me...
It will be hard to approach the day of October 31 and understand that AJ has been away from this earth for a whole year. I am not going to deny that. I will be sad- I know it will be a very emotional time. But I think next to that will be a small bit of encouragement as I embark on the next year- knowing by God's grace I made it this far and in confidence in Him- I will continue to walk.
God's plan is ALWAYS exciting. God is ALWAYS good.
posted by Kellie # 9:10 AM
