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Glory and Happiness Revealed

Whether it is the right thing to do or not- I feel the need to explain myself and some of my thoughts in my last blog. Some of the comments people posted were very hurtful to me. I realize that since they were posted by 'anonymous' they must be people who do not know me and did not know my love for AJ.

This seems so obvious that it is ridiculous to even have to say this but none the less I will say it. I loved AJ with my whole heart. I was devoted to him. I was ready to love him through everything- unconditionally. If he had been paralyzed by the accident or braindead I would have stayed by his side till the very end. No matter what I was his wife and that was the highest honor and privledge I have ever known. The love we shared was pure and strong. I knew AJ's heart and he knew my heart.

I adored AJ and served him. My goal and mission as his wife was to bless him and make him happy. His love for me was equally the same. He told me everyday that all he wanted was for me to be happy and that he would do whatever was possible for that to happen. This was evident to those that knew us together.

I never ever imagined I could take a breath with out him in my life. I never thought I'd have the desire or will to go on if he were to pass before me. I remember clearly driving home together one night less than a month before the accident. We were having a conversation about death. He was talking about the fact that we all will die someday and that it is just a fact of life and not a big deal. He was saying how he looked forward to finally being at his true eternal home with his God.

I remember I started crying so hard there in the car with him. I told him that I could not imagine life without him now that I had come to love him and depend him; now that we were one and he was a part of who I was. But his response again was very casual and very matter of fact. This was how AJ was. He had an eternal perspective and pointed me to the same end. I find that conversation very comforting in light of my present situation. Those words are words I will carry with me forever.

I have walked a long road. It has been ridiculously hard. I have wanted to run away. I have wanted to give up. But that was never possible- there was too much going against me failing. AJ's life and his love for me was against that. He constantly pointed me to God and challenged me to never give up. To give up would grieve his heart and disrespect him greater than anything else.

Of all people I think he would be the one encouraging me to continue living my life and working for the Kingdom of God. He would be saying 'come on Kellie what is taking you so long- life is short - get out there and live and do something. Do not look back at me- I will be here waiting for you when you get here. I am watching you and I am cheering you on- you can do it Kellie.' That is how AJ spoke to me on earth and I know those words are still resounding even after his death.

My love for AJ has not deminished and it never will. To move on does not mean I love him any less or that his life was or is any less important. I have said this before and I will say it again: my love for AJ is not justified by how hard I greive over him. I do not need to be a hero of love. I do not need to prove to anyone that I loved him. I know I loved him and I know he never doubted that and I am very secure in that. Yes, in a sense a chapter of my life is over. But it is a key chapter in my life. Just because we go through different seasons in our life it doesn't mean the former seasons are forgotten or meaningless.

I believe my heart and all the words I have written on this site honor AJ and honor God. Everything I write has been written very prayerfully and thoughtfully. When I said 'the glory that is coming and is to come from the result of AJ's death I think is greater than the glory that there could have been had he had the chance to live' a key word in this sentence is the word result. The result of his death. There is already so much glory that God has received as a result of AJ's death- that is something so obvious that it can not be ignored. Life is not over and his death and our lives that shine God's faithfulness and hope will continue to speak and bring bright glory.

Do not misinterpret this statement. I never ever wanted AJ to die. I never thought this would have been something that would happen to us. I would have wanted to have the life that AJ and I had dreamed of having together. But this can't be. AJ did die and now I am faced with dealing his death and making decisions about how I will live my life from this point on. This statement about glory is true to me- I have to believe that. Maybe I believe it out of desperation and hope that God will redeem it. I have to believe that or I have nothing to cling to. I need to have this hope or life and God is senseless and meaningless and there is no point in making any effort.

When I wrote that I am happier than I have ever been, that too in no way belittles AJ or the love we shared or what he meant to me. This happiness comes from something I believe few people will ever know. This joy comes from walking desperately close to the lover of my soul. It is not a happiness that the world can give or replicate. It is only a joy that God can give and nothing can compare to it.

This happiness is not based on any circumstances; instead it is like what Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13, "Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."

AJ would want me to be happy, he told me so everyday that we shared together. He is honored by me being able to say that I am the happiest I have ever been. He desired that for me and I know even in his death would want that for all of us, including me.

The joy, and maybe joy is a better word to describe what I am feeling than happiness, is a quiet peaceful joy. The Word says 'the joy of the Lord is our strength'. God is using joy to strengthen me and give me hope. This joy comes from knowing I am accomplishing something greater than I ever imagined, something that I can not accomplish on my own. It comes from truly knowing God is sufficient for me and knowing that He is in control. It comes from walking through this dark road and being able to still see the light. It comes from being comforted by the creator of comfort.

I believe this joy is very honorable to AJ and to God. There is nothing wrong with saying I am happier than I have ever been. I am not happy that AJ died! I am not happy about his death or my life that I am having to try to figure out now that he is gone. But that is just it! My happiness is not based on this world and the things of the world. My joy and peace and contentment and happiness comes from abiding with Christ. He is my vine and he gives me life. He lifts me up. He dries my eyes. He is always near. He is a faithful God. This is why I rejoice. There is nothing wrong with that.

posted by Kellie # 11:15 PM

Comments:

Dear Kellie,
As another woman who lost a husband, I am in somewhat of the same boat as you are. Before my husband & I were married we spoke often of not belonging to each other...but to Christ first, and through THAT relationship our covenant of marriage was held together. But we talked early on about what it meant to give each other up to Christ daily and not find our ultimate hope, joy & comfort in each other. I think it's the world that tells us our love should be exclusive and bound human to human...and not first to Christ, then to this human, our spouse...who COULD be taken at any moment. If our joy & happiness rests in them we are ruined. Grief does unfold differently in everyone's life but I am so comforted by the way Christ has captivated your heart as your TRUE husband. Your love for AJ has been so evident throughout this blog. But I think where he is now, with Christ, he would be saddened by others responses. He is dancing with His Father, being smothered by His kisses, engaging in the most intimate, passionate love relationship with His Savior. If he knew people were critisizing you for finding happiness in these days in Christ, I honestly believe it would break his heart. For his love & attention is captivated by Christ and I KNOW he would want yours to be as well. If Christ has drawn you so deeply into his arms of love and GRACIOUSLY let you find rest and happiness there don't believe the lies that you have to be more "earthly"...TAKE COMFORT IN HIS MERCY! It took me years to move on from my husbands death. Christ finally helped me realize that my husband was in a place far more wonderful than this life here and had found rest in his True Love. That sounds wrong to people who've bought the Hollywood lie that human love is more powerful than Christ's love. Even if they've bought it unconsciously. That our spouse is more important that our relationship with Christ. That if Christ took them out of this world then we should fall apart and take years to piece our lives together. I bought that and I was furious at people who told me to "get over his death". I wanted to scream that that was so unfair to him to just "get over him"...when I knew he was in heaven wanting me to drink deeply of Christ and find my life, my joy in HIM...not in my spouse. Keep fighting the good fight. I know it's not easy. I know there are nights when the pain feels unbearable. But Christ & AJ are rejoicing with you when you rejoice in your Savior.

# posted by Anonymous : 12:21 PM

Kellie,
Your words are an inspiration and I am sorry that some people have said hurtful and truly ignorant things. It is obvious that God is working in your grief and circumstances. God has given you the "peace that passes all understanding" and that is the thing, other people do not understand. I'm sure you even do not understand it sometimes. But God is faithful and he will continually get the glory through this situation, your life and legacy. I will continually pray for you and your family.

# posted by Anonymous : 12:35 PM

Kellie, I praise God for how He is working in your life. And I am thankful for this most recent post from the woman who is in your situation. I hope you receive plenty of encouragement from many sources in your life. As a woman who is currently caught up in the struggle of putting my love for my husband before my love for my Lord & Savior, I can only hope to learn from your experience, as well as the experience of this woman who posted today. I always say that I could never live a moment without my husband, but I think that through your experience, God is trying to get my attention. I do love my Lord Jesus, but often I tend to put my husband (and my children) first. Through the sacrifice of your loss, perhaps God can teach me to re-prioritize, and I might not have to lose my husband in this life, just to get my focus back on Jesus. Thank you, Kellie. Thank you so much for this ministry. I would love to meet you someday. You are in my prayers. -Amy

# posted by Amy : 12:37 PM

Kellie,
My wife and I read "Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken where he writes of his experience falling in love and loosing his wife and his coorespondence about these situations with CS Lewis. It was profoundly hard to read as a newly married couple. We wanted to ignore the fact that God often presents in our lives situations that involve severe mercy. It's such a paradox. Severe and mercy just don't seem to go together. They don't make sense in our limited human minds. But that's just it, our minds our limited and human. God's is infinant and all-knowing. We will NEVER understand it this side of glory. I can't image loosing my wife as Sheldon did so early on in their marriage. As I can't imagine being in your shoes or in Elisabeth Elliot's shoes. But God's severe mercy has brought some of his sons & daughters to this place and will bring more to this place of what feels like injustice and being robbed of life. But is our life about being happy superficially and with these gifts...or is it deeply satisfied and nourished in the Giver?! So if He takes away a gift He's given us, we can STILL find rest and even joy in Him and not scream and cry for Him to give back the gift we never deserved in the first place? I often think I've deserved my wife or my son or even being a Christian. That is more blasphemous than what others have claimed your saying you're finding happiness in this time is. Because that is saying we've somehow "earned" Christ or "earned" our spouse...instead of having been shown GREAT mercy and been given the gift of Christ, given the gift of a spouse. Unlike the gift of a spouse though or children or anything, Christ is the ONLY surety in this life. He will never leave us or forsake us. Even though you struggle to believe that, as you have been so candid about, Christ is giving you the GIFT of believe and rest in Him. Yes, He could have kept you in that place of mourning and your grief could have looked differently. But He didn't. That wasn't YOUR choice, but His. Therefore it is a gift...take it and run with it! I don't want to bash anyone who has written comments, but I would venture to say that those who are asking you to do anything but that are asking you to give back something Christ has offered to you, which is happiness in Him. There is nothing in this life more precious than that. I love my wife more than anything else on this earth, but if she was taken from me, I would HAVE to, HAVE TO, find my joy and happiness in Christ. I am called to do that now - day in and day out - and would be called to do that if God took her from me. We cannot understand how He is at work. If we could, that would negate His Holiness & Omnipotence that is far above us. We aren't called to interprete Him and how He works but to have the faith of a child and simply grasp His hand and walk where He calls us to. I am proud of you...not because you in yourself are a strong person...but because you seem willing just to take His hand and be lead through this horriblly hard time. He has given you Himself, drink deeply. We will continue to pray for you and little Eli especially this week as you have to deal afresh with some of this pain after a hard post and some hard comments. You are accountable only to Christ. Stand firm in that. You are his daughter, let Him scoop you up in His arms and ravish you with his love.

# posted by Anonymous : 1:38 PM

Kellie,

The people who wrote the hurtful things may call themselves AJ's friends, but I can't imagine AJ would allow any true friends to say such hurtful things to you. he was always protecting you and setting boundaries to preserve you and your character.

And no friend of AJ's, no matter how close to him, was nearly as close to him as you were. He was a part of you...you were one...and that's what they're missing. No one can imagine you reaching the end of your grief, because no one else (with the exception of AJ's immediate family,) has grieved over him day-in and day-out, hour by hour, as you have. That kind of grief is real and exhausting, and no one can put you on a time-table--long or short--as to when you will arrive on the other side. And of course, I would imagine part of you will always grieve over losing him and never stop.

Don't waste another minute worrying what anyone thinks about you and your heart. You don't even need to defend yourself or your feelings for your husband. It's between you and God, and the fact that He preserved your life and placed you in a position to bring Him such glory speaks volumes about how He feels for you and how you're handling your grief. Press on, girl!

Katie

# posted by Katie M : 1:57 PM

As Kellie's earthly father, let me just say I am angered by the insensitive words that some have selected to use in their comments recently! Should Kellie be walking around in black with a heavy veil over her head and face? Would that make YOU happy? Are you so concerned with your own feelings that you can't rejoice in the miracle God is working in Kellie and Eli's lives? Do you REALLY think Jesus wants Kellie to be sad and dejected? Would that make YOU happy? Give me a break! You would have Kellie only live her life on your terms! Jesus has given her freedom that too many judgmental, rule following "Christians" can't or won't understand! Jesus didn't come to this earth and die to give us more "rules!" He came to set us free! And, if we truly give him our lives, He will set us free, even from the tragedies that hit us square in the face!

I watched Kellie and AJ's love grow and evolve. I spent several days helping them move from Maryland to Miami just two short weeks before AJ was killed. I loved AJ and watched him love my daughter and grandson. I watched him protect and nurture their relationship. I miss AJ everyday! Everyday there is something that reminds me of him! Even a hat I now wear when I'm out riding. AJ and I discussed Wild at Heart at length. One of the reasons I gave my blessings to their marriage was because I saw how much they loved each other!! That love never waivered and certainly, no one expected to hear the horrible news of that October 31st accident. After seeing the cars involved in the accident and the accident scene I rejoice that God didn't allow Kellie and Eli to also be killed! They only survived because God protected them. There is NO OTHER explanation!

Am I still grieving for AJ? Yes, there is a void that will always be there. Do I grieve for AJ's family? Every day I think about them and pray for them. Do I grieve for Kellie? Yes. But I rejoice that she's not wallowing in self pity and anger over what could easily send a lesser vessel of God into deep and utter despair and depression! As simply an average earthly father, I DON'T WANT THAT FOR MY DAUGHTER! I also know that HER HEAVENLY FATHER DOES NOT WANT THAT FOR HER OR ELI OR HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS! AND I KNOW THAT AJ WOULD NOT WANT THAT FOR HER! As he did while he was here with her, AJ would want to protect her and keep her safe. He would want Kellie and Eli to be happy! He wouldn't want them to be sad but to live their life because, if we didn't learn anything else from AJ's death (and I think many people took very real lessons from the way AJ lived and loved his family and life), we should have learned that we can't count on tomorrow so we must live each day to its fullest!

For those who would criticize my little girl, GET A GRIP and simply take care of your own grief and self pity! Don't pick up your judgmental stones and throw them at Kellie! If you want to throw anything you can throw it at me! I'll stand with her against any of you that "think" you know the "right way" for a 21 year old, widowed mother of a 9 1/2 month old baby to "properly" handle this to make YOU HAPPY! She shouldn't have to worry with how YOU feel! She just needs to make sure she is walking with Christ daily and taking care of AJ's son! IF, after you've prayed about this, YOU STILL FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO DISCUSS THIS FURTHER THEN FEEL FREE TO RESPOND TO ME at bardiver@comcast.net!

# posted by Bert : 4:09 PM

Dear Kellie,
You do not know me but I feel I understand your circumstance. I have been fortuante enough to not have to deal with losing a soul mate or dealing with the thought of losing a child. I first saw your page about 3 months ago, when some very dear people in my life lost their mother.
I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and in that time I have grown a deep affection for not only him but his mother and sister and the rest of the family. I know that she has found comfort in your site, and I am sure that many others have aswell.
When I was 12 years old, I lost my father in an accident also. I remember going to bed one night, with the two most wonderful and loving parents of anyone I knew. The next time I laid my head down, I did it with the knowledge that my Mom would be the only face the next morning. Being that I was younger, I had the support of my friends and Mother, but there were still many people that told me I needed to be strong for my Mom.
I too experienced the anger that comes with grief. I was mad at God and I was mad at the lady who was driving the car, that took my Daddy away from me. I got in fights at school, I lashed out against my friends, and I made descions that will always haunt my past. However, I eventually accepted that the actions that took place that July 30th, weren't to hurt me and hinder my growing up, but raher to make me stronger and to teach me the true meaning of love. My Father was taken from me for a much greater cause. A cause that is still above my knowledge. However, when I get ready to walk down that isle and have to brave the thought of doing it alone, I will know that my daddy has the best seat of the all. His love will always warm my heart and be with me until I get to jump into arms again, and know it is forever. I know that my life could have turned out much differently, and I know that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I ultimately grateful for the time I spent with him and the memories that I know will always make me laugh and smile. I am also greatful that I know that my Daddy is in heaven. He has gotten to take a journey that people only imagine about. I know he has watched over my Mother and I and is proud of the descions we have made and that we are now in happier places, not because we lost him, but because we got to have him at all.
I think you are a very brave and admirable person to carry on such a site in memory of your husband and in honor of your family and Lord.
I encourage you to not let the other comments written influence your faith or your grieving process. Your son will be blessed to get to look back on all this and know that his Mom was strong. He will always have a good and Christian image of the father he did not get to know.
Thank you for what you have done for my friend and for so many others. You have ministered to so many people, that you are not aware of. Keep it Up Kellie and you will also be blessed with all that God has in stor for you.

# posted by Amy of North Carolina : 5:37 PM

Kellie, both postings have been absolutley amazing and excellent. Your love for A.J. is so obviously deep and real. It has served as an inspiration, I know, for so many. If I could summarize what I have seen in your marriage before and in your life since AJ's death, it would be "satisfaction in God." I want what you have in my life and in my marriage. Your testimony, your faith, your grasp of the Sovereignty of God and the comfort it is has been through these times has even affected people in our church in Midland, TX. Your story has been discussed in home groups, Sunday School, and other settings. Believe me, God is being glorified through the satisfaction you are finding in Him. Be encouraged! Be steadfast in the things God has shown you through Scripture and never stop drinking from the Spring of living water . I especially appreciate the grace with which you handled those who did not understand. The Holy Spirit is really using you! You have such a way with words and are able to communicate with such passion and at the same time grace. Seriously, I think I see a book coming on!

Allen

# posted by Anonymous : 9:06 PM

Kellie,

I can't fully understand all that you are going through, but as I try to put myself into your shoes my heart becomes so heavy. I can't imagine what it is to lose a husband. The covenant of marriage and the love that you two had and shared was so amazing. AJ loved you so much. AJ loved God. Because of his love for God, he was able to be the man, husband, and father that God had called him to be. You, Kellie, are walking with the Lord. You are being and doing exactly what God has called us to do and be.

I have used you as an example in speaking and ministering to the high school girls in my youth group. To try and give them a 'real-life' application of how God can use us no matter what. And to talk about faith. God doesn't call us to understand all that He does. Faith is believing - no matter what - even when we cannot see and understand. To have faith is God is to worship Him with our whole being when we are happy, when we are sad, when we can see and when it's dark.

God has not asked us to be ruled by our emotions. That would be a mess. Half of the time we'd all be depressed. I know that my God is the God of all nations, who walked on water, who fed the 1000s with practically nothing, who beat and wounded for our transgressions and that we may be healed, who died on a cross, was spit on, betrayed, and yet while on the cross Jesus prayed to God. Jesus prayed for US...for the people that nailed him to the cross, spit on him, beat him, and yet he prayed for us amist his own death.

Jesus is in Heaven, at the footstand of God continueing to intercede for us and cheer us on.

The Lord's prayer says..."Our Father who art in Heave, hallowed it be thy name, they Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven..." Can't we have heaven on earth? Can't we love God so much, that even in our earthly bodies we can be so in love with God that we feel His presence, His touch, and His peace while we are here.

Kellie, I can see that you have peace - a "peace that surpasses all understanding." And a strength that can only come from God.

Continue to put God first! I agree with you...I too know that AJ is up there cheering you on! I know that God is saying "Well done my good and faithful child!"

I said in my response to your last blog that my life was forever changed because of AJ and is being changed because of you and your walk with God. God is a great God and I am so blessed that you are allowing Him to use you.

You Rock girlie! You've got God on your side and many millions of people! You continue to do and share what God's doing in your life. Your life is a testimony and witness to so many people!

I love you and am praying for you and Eli everyday.

Be Blessed,
Summer

# posted by Anonymous : 10:48 AM

Kellie,
Just know that you are loved and adored, and you have encouraged people you have never seen nor met in person. You just keep pressing on... You are incredible, and your blog encourages me daily...we all know that the enemy comes to steal kill, and destroy, so if things seem counterfeit sometimes, just call it for what it is, say the name of Jesus, and move on. Know that you are loved, and cared for and respected, and you have a ministry greater than you may even know. Thank you for your boldness, and courage to write your blog. It is uplifting to me and so many others, so don't be afraid to go of for Christ. He is your strength. His joy give you that strength, and it beams out of your writings and pictures. Praise be to God for you!

# posted by Switzlerfamily5 : 7:09 PM

Kellie,
AJ's death struck me, not because I had previously lost someone, but because I had strugged at the beginning of my marriage with the fear that my husband would suddenly be taken from me. I would have nightmares and found myself preoccupied with what might happen. It was totally paralysing to my relationship both with my husband and with God. I simply wasn't trusting God with what His plan will be for my life.

When I heard about the accident, I didn't grieve for AJ. I grieved for you and Eli. AJ doesn't need to be worried over - we all know where he is and what joy he is experiencing. My sorrow ran deep for you Kellie - because I knew how deeply you loved AJ, and how hard you both worked to develop a strong marriage.

The Wednesday after the accident, I spent some time praying for you and Eli. I had such a sense of peace that night, and a lot of excitement about how God would work good into all of this. One of my favorite verses, and one I am sure you can relate to, is "My peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27.

I hope no one is fooled into thinking that Kellie didn't honor AJ by sinking into depression or wearing black for years to come. Kellie has a greater understanding and appreciation for the joy and peace that comes from knowing God than many of us will ever have. I think we should expect (and help) her to take hold of God's hand and walk forward. Don't ask her to walk backwards just for the sake of what you feel (and the world says) is more appropriate.

# posted by Jaime : 8:20 PM

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