Intervarsity Talk
Here are the thoughts I prepared to share at UNF: AJ died 5 months ago. I have written a lot since his death, but I have never written down my story until now. It is hard to know what to write or where to begin. I am praying that God leads me to say what needs to be said.
After being airlifted with my son Eli to the hospital I laid there in the hospital bed for what seemed like the longest hours of my life waiting to hear how my husband AJ was. I knew we all had just been in a bad car accident but I didn't really know how bad it was. I knew I was ok and I figured Eli was going to be ok too. Since AJ was not in the helicopter with us I had no idea what condition he was in or where he was at.
As I was waiting and having many different tests performed on my body to see if everything in me was as it should be I was praying. I knew deep inside that something was very wrong. I felt like my prayers were not necessary, that whatever was would be as it was.
I will never forget the moment the hospital chaplain came and stood at the foot of my bed. Her face was stone cold- showing no emotion what so ever. She looked at me and told me that my husband was killed instantly in the car accident at 6:48 pm. She went on to give me a few more details on how he died and that he did not feel any pain.
My response to her; the only words I could manage to get through my quivering lips were truly out of the wellspring of my heart. I told her, "God is good and Jesus is Lord." Then I broke down weeping and she left the room. I was now faced with something too great for me to handle on my own. The only option I saw was turning to Christ and running into His embrace as fast and hard as I could. That is exactly what I did.
I was able to share this story of how I heard the news of AJ's death at the service celebrating his life. Those words and the solid truth in them that God is good and Jesus is Lord is what has carried me this far. That truth will carry me through my entire life- I will live victoriously all my days with that at the core of my being.
Yes, it is grace from God to see His goodness and to be able to declare it in the face of terrible tragedy. It was only by His grace that I could praise Him moments after hearing words everyone dreads, that a loved one has died. I could not have done any of this on my own- apart from him. I am so weak, but His strength has proven to be perfect in my weakness.
Likewise, I know that if I had not been faithful to seek Him when all was well in my life and when things were simple and good I would not have had any faith to carry me when my entire life came crashing down in an instant. It was impossible for me to focus at all. I could not read or study God's word because the grief was so thick that it was clouding my mind. But God's word sustained me because it was hidden in my heart. It was flowing through me and giving me hope. I knew who God was and my entire life was based on Him. He was and is my solid Rock of Ages!
God carries me gently in His arms. But had our relationship not been strong before all this happened I do not think I would have been able to trust myself in His arms. I would not have known that I would be safe there. I would not have been able to trust them to hold me. I would not have recognized the comfort they held for me. I wouldn’t have been able to find rest in that familiar place.
Christ has given us this example of seeking the Father when life is simple. Jesus was a child and a carpenter. His ministry did not begin until he was 30 years old. I am certain in those first 30 years of his life he spent a lot of time abiding with his Father. He stayed close to His heart. He spent a lot of time in prayer and studying His word. He sought Him simply to know Him and be known by Him because He loved Him.
In Luke 4:1 it says, "Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit was lead by the spirit to go out into the wilderness." In the wilderness Jesus was tempted by the devil. This was a hard and testing time for Jesus. He was able to be victorious because he had prepared for such a time as this. He knew the scriptures and He used that to be victorious in the wilderness. He overcame this hard trial.
It is interesting how Luke words verse 14: "Then Jesus returned to Galilee, in the power of the Spirit." When he left for the wilderness he was full of the Holy Spirit, but after overcoming victoriously in the wilderness he was filled with the Holy Spirit's power. He was then ready to begin his ministry, continuing with verse 14 and through verse 15, "Soon he became well known throughout the surrounding country. He taught in their synagogues and was praised by everyone."
Jesus has showed us by example the importance of being prepared for any situation. We need to seek God now for such a time as this. He is faithful to provide all that we need. He is faithful to make us who He wants and needs us to be as we submit to Him.
My entire life and my home were snatched away from me in an instant. I was left alone, homeless at the age of 21 with a 3 1/2 month old baby boy. But God showed me where my true home was. I felt at home in His arms. I was at home as I was abiding in Him in the vine which gives me life. He showed me I had a family and a place of belonging that transcends time and place. He grafted me into Him and adopted me into His own family. This truth gives me great comfort and sustained me through intense loneliness.
God did more than just provide a spiritual home for Eli and I. He has given us the privilege of living with my husband's parents in Orlando, FL. This has proven to be such a good thing for all of us. This season has been so rich. We have grown a lot together and learned lots about love and grace. It has helped me to watch them grieve and to see how they are handling their own emotions. It has helped to have people around me who understand how bad it hurts to miss AJ and who miss him too, probably even more than I do. It has been wonderful to talk with them and to watch how God is comforting and sustaining them. I am encouraged by seeing God's faithfulness to them.
I could be so bold to say that God is making the impossible easy for me. He is that good! He is blessing me greatly. He is giving me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. He is proving Himself to be faithful in so many ways. I am filled with an indescribable joy and peace that passes all human understanding. I love God more now than I ever have. I feel closer to Him and like our relationship is more intimate than it has ever been.
The amazing thing is that God did not have to do any of this for me. He did not have to prove himself to me. He is God and I should love Him because of that simple fact. But He is so good that He makes it easy to love Him. I want to love Him for who He is and not for what He can give me- that is my desire.
C.S. Lewis challenges me on page 68 of A Grief Observed, which is a book he wrote shortly after the death of his wife. He says, "If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all."
The power of making God our end instead of our means to an end was proven to me 3 nights after AJ died. This was the hardest night of my entire life. I had 3 days for the reality of AJ's death to settle into my mind. In addition, my son Eli was in very poor condition. He was in the pediatric intensive care unit. He had been having multiple seizures and strokes. He had suffered a traumatic brain injury and as a result he had bleeding on his brain.
That day Eli had a lot of tests performed on him. I was fellowshipping at AJ's parent's house with friends and family who were there to show support. I had been awaiting news all day on the results of Eli's tests. That night I received a phone call from the doctor with very bad news. She said Eli's prognosis was that if He was lucky he might walk someday, but that he has suffered major brain trauma and will probably be brain damaged the rest of his life.
Again God was gracious to my heart. I declared His strength out of my mouth. Through tears I said that I knew we would make it and that God would help me take care of Eli no matter what condition he was in.
I shared the results of the tests with everyone in the house. AJ and I's pastor from our church in Jacksonville was there visiting that night. He lead us all to worship the Lord and declare who He is. Pastor Stovall did not say we needed to pray for Eli or focus on his health in any way. No, instead we took our eyes off of the situation and focused on God and praised Him for His goodness. All together that night, we each in our own voices with our own words simultaneously loved on our God. It was so powerful. It was one of the richest things I have ever experienced. God met us there and gave us all so much peace.
The next morning when I went to visit Eli he was dramatically different. He had begun to eat again for the first time since the accident. He had a bad cut on his face that had completely vanished. From then on he continued to improve. He has not had any seizures since the night we worshiped the Lord. Eli has made a complete recovery and is now expected to be completely normal, although I think he is going to be even better than normal!
It is amazing that when we made God simply our end and came to Him to love Him instead of to get something from Him that He honored that so much. I have since been greatly convicted to love God and come to Him just to be with Him and to adore Him simply for who He is and not for what He can give me. I think it shows Him that I trust Him when I come to Him simply to abide with Him. It shows Him that I know He will supply all my needs, that I trust Him for that, so instead of telling Him my wish list I am going to simply tell Him I love Him and how great I think He is.
God desires us. He desires to be with us.
I am reminded of the story of Mary and Martha. I will briefly remind you all of the story. Mary and Martha are visited by Jesus to their home. Martha is very busy the whole time trying to being the perfect hostess to Jesus. She is busy cooking and cleaning and doing things for Jesus. Mary on the other hand is simply sitting at Jesus' feet. She is listening and enjoying simply being with Jesus. Martha gets upset with Mary for not helping her out and accuses her to Jesus. Jesus responds in a surprising way. He says what Mary is doing is of much greater worth to Him and pleased him much more.Mary is investing in her relationship with Jesus where as Martha was focusing on serving Jesus. Jesus desires simply to be with us. I once heard some one say we are called to be human "beings" not human "doings". That is so true and this story exemplifies that fact. God wants us to come and sit at his feet and 'be' with Him.
Yes, it is good to do things for God. But we shouldn't get so busy serving Him that we never give Him what He wants most- that is ourselves. He wants time with us. He wants to be with us. He wants to abide in us. His love for us is passionate and strong. This is particularly evident in Zechariah 8:2, "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Mount Zion is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Jerusalem!"Now this time re-read that verse and replace it with your own name. For me it would read- "This is what the Lord Almighty says: My love for Kellie is passionate and strong; I am consumed with passion for Kellie." This statement would be true for all of God's children- if it is true for a nation then it is true for His child and if it is true for me then it is true for you as well.As I have feelings of doubt and discouragement- which is usually a daily occurrence- I can fall back on this word. God is faithful.
I feel like Hannah does in her prayer of praise in 1 Samuel 2:2, "No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."I desire an unshakable faith. That is a process and not something that can happen overnight. For now my faith is shaken and will continue to be. But as long as I keep coming back to God and take every thought captive to His word my faith will become stronger. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. The way my mind is renewed is by washing it and filling it with God's word and His truth.
I will be whole and I will have a faith that can't be shaken. It might not be until I am joined with my Father in heaven- but it will happen. Even though I can only see a dim light today, tomorrow it will be a little brighter and I will recognize it a little better if I am faithful today to draw near to it.
My challenge to you today is to draw near to Him. Be unpretentious with God. Seek to be with Him just because you want to hear the passion that beats through His heart. Draw near because you love Him and want Him to know that. He is calling you and wants to be known by you.
All of us here are in different places in our lives. But God is the same yesterday, today and forever and He is faithful to meet us just as we are wherever we are at. Simply come as you are into the warm embrace of your Savior. As it says in Zephaniah 3:17, "For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song." Let God do this for you, let Him rejoice over you. Seek Him now, the time is now. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today.
My story is not nearly over. It is only beginning. God's plan is always so exciting. I am glad to be walking with Him and to see where His hand and will are going to lead me. I trust Him and I know He is faithful to finish the good work He has begun. I am never letting go of His hand- that is the only place I am safe. That is the only place I want to be. His hand has lead me into the wilderness and His hand has lead me into blessings. He is a faithful God!
This Psalm echoes my heart beautifully. Psalm 30:1-5; 11-12. "I give you all the credit, God- you got me out of that mess, you didn’t let my foes gloat. God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down and out. All you saints sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give ways to days of laughter. You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough."
posted by Kellie # 7:09 PM
