- { A blog for Aj Kellie and Eli } -

ON OUR SITE

God Can Handle Our Anger

I received a beautiful email today from a woman who is dealing with grieving the loss of a loved one. She asked me a bold question. She asked me if I was ever angry at God, if I ever wrestled with feeling angry and singled out. I welcomed her boldness and am thankful for the opportunity to address this aspect of grief. She said she has been reading my blogs looking for some anger in my writings but that she could not find it. I now see that this is something worth writing about.

My blogs are very raw. I am open and put my thoughts right out there for anyone to read. I am being very real in my writings. It has been a way for me to vent and make sense of the many emotions that I am experiencing. I am being me when I come to write here. I do not feel as though I need to sugar coat things or be strong for anyone. This is not a facade that I feel I must put on so people could look at me and think I am strong or special in any way.

I am simply stating what is true in my own life and heart. I am stating who God is to me and what He has done. I am declaring things that His word says are true. Often I am writing and being encouraged myself by His presence and spirit. I find myself being encouraged by the things I write and am saying them just as much for myself to hear as I am for anyone else. I do not write with any agenda other than to bring glory and honor to my God- the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

All that said- I have not chosen to avoid writing about the issue of being angry at God. I just have not ever been lead to write about it till now. But now it is time. So here are my thoughts on wrestling with feelings anger.

There is an intimacy with being open with God and coming to Him as you are. That is what He desires of us and that is where He promises to meet us- right where we are at. God desires us to be hot or cold. He wants us and our hearts. He does not want us to hold anything back from Him. Angry with Him or not He at least wants me to come. I need to give Him my broken heart if I want Him to touch it and bring healing.

I have been angry at God. I have yelled at Him, questioned Him and doubted Him. This is not a sign of weakness but instead I think it is a sign of being genuine and honest with myself and God. I remember times lying in bed to go to sleep at night or taking a shower or lying on the floor that I was crying so hard that it physically hurt and was paralyzing. But still I found no relief. I had so much anguish in my heart and there seemed to be no way to express it that was sufficient. I asked God 'why' over and over. I could not understand any of it and why this tragedy had happened.

But for the most part I have tried to discipline myself to quietly trust Him- realizing that He is God and I am not. As the scripture says, I will not concern myself with matters too great for me. I have tried to have faith like a child- a simple, unquestioning and unwavering faith. This is a spiritual discipline. There is nothing wrong with doubting God- it is important to be real with yourself and to express your emotion. But it is equally important to live by faith. That is what He calls us to. We need to recognize that we are not in control- but likewise take comfort that He really is in control. Hebrews talks a lot about faith- in particular Hebrews 11. Faith is essential to walking with God; to knowing Him and pleasing Him.

I had a huge revelation of the ways of God a few weeks ago as I was talking with a dear friend of my husband and I's about my husband's death. We were talking about being angry with God. She told me that in the weeks following the accident that she was very mad at God. One day as she was praying God showed her Jesus on the cross. He showed her that as He hung there He had no dignity. There was great shame in that moment. The people there, especially the ones that knew and loved Jesus did not understand what was going on and why this was happening. They doubted God because they could not perceive what He was doing and they could not comprehend His ways. He had lost His dignity.

But in all actuality that moment was the most glorious moment in all history. Christ and God had more dignity in that event than ever. But the people did not know what was going on. They did not see what God saw and they did not know His heart, plan or intentions. They could not see how glorious and justified Christ's death was. They could not conceive that it was God's perfect will, desire and plan. But His death was right and God was in control in that moment. Just because it was not evident to the world it did not mean it was not right.

Likewise, there was no recognizable dignity in AJ's death. I can not understand why he had to die at that moment in time while he was still so young. This was beyond me and my comprehension. But I find comfort and seeing it in this perspective of the cross. There was great dignity in Christ's death. God redeemed the world through that tragedy. AJ's death pales in comparison but still I am beginning to see that just because I don't understand God it doesn't mean that He is wrong and not sovereign or in control.

God is showing me how He is using AJ's death to bring Him glory. It had to be this way. For His perfect will and plan to come to pass this had to happen. I know in my own life and heart that this has forever changed me. I am thankful to know God in a deeper way than I ever thought possible. The joy I have from being in His presence and trusting Him is stronger than any joy I have ever known. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I know God will use me however He sees fit and I know He is and will redeem AJ's death.

I used to get very upset when people would tell me that God was sovereign and that this was His will and plan. That seemed like such a bunch of crock to me and like it was such a cliche'. I can't really describe it now- but I am in a different place. I have walked a long hard road and ended up in places that I never dreamed or expected I'd be. But it is good- richer than any life I had ever imagined.

We live in a fallen world, yes. There is sin and we must live with the consequences of that sin. That used to be my response to people about AJ's death. But that gives God no glory. He was in control. He was holding me and Eli. He knew this was going to happen before it ever did. He set many different things in place in preparation for this. He is being glorified in it and there is dignity in my husband's death. The glory that is coming and is to come from the result of AJ's death I think is greater than the glory that there could have been had he had the chance to live. It is not what I would have ever wanted or ever chosen- but God knows what is best and that is why He is God and I am not.

God is perfecting me and many others through this. Our time here is very short. We are vapor and God is forever. We have a race to run. Every statistic says I should be as dead as a door nob. I should not have survived the accident much less walked away from it unharmed- but God was in control. He saved my life. There was a time when I was not grateful for that but now I am thankful for each breath He has given me and I want to serve Him with all that I have and am.

Walking with God is not about my plan or what I think is best. He never promised that I would understand or agree with Him all the time- He has just simply asked me to follow Him and that is what I have chosen to do. That is what honors Him and I must honor Him. I was created to honor Him. That is why I have breath.

God's ways are higher than our ways. I have come to this point only by the grace of God. I am just as human as anyone else. I am far from perfect and I have a long way to go towards holiness. But I am walking and trusting in God. He is raising my low places and smoothing out the high places in me. The present state my heart is in is not something I can take any credit for. It is because of who God is and not because of who I am.

I will close this with sharing a few of the words I shared with the woman who emailed me today. My prayer is that they are an encouragement:

"I don't think living by faith is a form of denial either. It does not make our love for those who have passed on any less- it means we trust God and what His word says about Him- you know what that is and you know who He is. He has promised to give you a hope and a future; He has promised to give you more than you could ever ask or imagine- dare to dream or hope for. His thoughts for you are good and He longs to bless you. He is in control and He is God. His ways are higher than our ways which is why we can't always understand them. With that- we live in a fallen world and have to live with the consequences of sin.

I believe God shed the first tear when your son died. I know it broke His heart and it still is as He is watching you grieve. But that is even more why you can trust Him to give you all that you need- His grace is sufficient for you- that is a promise and that means- all the time. It doesn't say His grace is sufficient for you in the morning, or His grace is sufficient for you in the summer, or His grace is sufficient for you when you are at church- it is not conditional. Grace is free and undeserved. The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you. God has a huge fan club cheering you on. There is a cloud of witnesses rooting for you and your son is one of them now."

posted by Kellie # 11:30 AM

Comments:

This blog makes me sad -- God did NOT cause AJ's death -- indeed it was the consequence of someone's sin and their actions. Yes, it can be redeemed, but HE did not cause it to bring Himself glory -- who knows what the rest of AJ's life on earth would have been like? Yes, he is with the Lord now, but it was not God' perfect plan that he die that day!

# posted by Anonymous : 2:04 PM

Kellie, God has reveled so much to you. I too believe in a sovereign God. His ways are higher than our ways and He does do things to bring Glory to Himself. Think about it, God has to bring glory to Himself, who else is there that is greater than Him? If He gave glory to anyone other than Himself He wouldn't be God. Because only God deserves all the glory. I am so thankful that the Lord has shown you this. If we believe that God wasn't in control of AJ's death then we should question "is God really God?" If all He could do was stand by and sadly watch this event happen and not have any control over it that means there is something-- whether it be the Devil or human choice-- that is greater than God. It may be easier to take AJ or anybody's death that way but do we really want to serve a God who is not all powerful, all knowing, all seeing? I don't! If I am going to devote my life to something, someone, namely God I want Him to be the best and the greatest. He has to be in control all the time, even in the bad things. I have been praying that you would see this, and your blog made me rejoice!! You are right, God is in control and sovereign and it isn't a chliche. It's sometimes harder to accept God's ways because He is infinite and we are finite but He is perfect. I would rather serve a perfect, holy, God and take some of the mystery that He comes with knowing He is looking out for my best interest, all the time. In the goods times and bad. I love you Kell!! Praise the Lord for all that He is doing!! I know AJ would agree with you and all that God has taught you. ~Dannette

# posted by Anonymous : 10:13 AM

Here are some open and raw comments for you. I wish I could say I rejoice in that you are the "happiest you have ever been"...some people hold onto grief a little longer than others.

"The glory that is coming and is to come from the result of AJ's death I think is greater than the glory that there could have been had he had the chance to live"

Knowing AJ for a long time and as a Godly man, I can say under good authority that your comment is very hurtful, very selfish, and I can not believe you wrote that. You have VERY short-sighted vision. I am certain many people would and will disagree with your opinion. Obviously you have come to a point where you are ready to move on. I think it's time to close your AJ and Kellie blog before you write more hurtful comments. Perhaps it's time to start the new Kellie and Eli Blog since it seems like the AJ chapter is over.

# posted by One of AJ's true friends : 1:58 PM

It's so sad to think that the sweet love that you and AJ shared has been dismissed, like a closed chapter, now that you are "happier" than you have ever been.....how do you think your comments make his close friends and family feel? Also, your theology about God and His perfect will and plan in causing AJ's death for His glory? hmmmmm....perhaps time to rethink some things, and think about the words you are putting on paper.....

# posted by Anonymous : 5:45 PM

Kellie,
Thanks for your writings. I see Jesus in you so clearly. Thanks for being honest even when its not always easy. You are an inspiration to me.
-Catherine (Jamie's girlfriend)

# posted by Anonymous : 6:23 PM

Kellie,
I appreciate you writing this blog. I see that other people have posted comments voicing some intensely angry feelings about it. Fair enough-everyone is allowed to grieve differently. At this point, I can honestly relate more to those who are feeling angry about AJ dying. So although I can't especially relate to how quickly you've been able to peacefully accept AJ's death--I am nonetheless very thankful that God has given you joy. After so much loss, loss those writing here would do well to remember we cannot fathom, I personally find it hopeful to see that God has made beauty from these ashes.

And I do not believe that you trivialize AJ's death or your precious marriage by experiencing joy now. Certainly, AJ would want you to be filled with every good thing, including joy and happiness.

When I read these angry comments posted I get the sense that these friend's of AJs feel betrayed by you. Yet, I can't imagine that AJ would feel betrayed by your acknowledgment that you are happy.

I hope that when you read the angry comments here, you'll know that the anger is legitimate, but ultimately is not directed at you.

God knows you've endured enough pain not to have 'anonymous' cause more wounds. love, Tayloe

# posted by Anonymous : 9:08 PM

Kellie, with regards to many of the comments posted, I wanted to give you some encouragement. It is during times of tragedy that theology matters most. Our ideas about God, whatever they may be, will determine how we cope and understand and grieve. The bottom line is that if I have an idea about God that I want to be true and its how "I like to think" about God, it doesn't matter one bit. What matters here is scripture. If one's ideas about God are not supported solidly by multiple scriptures, then it really does not hold water as Biblically correct theology. People can give opinions all they want and its nice, but if its not Biblical, all it is is opinions. And I would add that fallen man is entitled to wrestle through his understanding of God and sometimes that means expressing his opinion of God in different ways; and that's O.K.

Do we believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God? If it is, does God also, then, inspire hard texts? I believe he does. There are numerous examples of situations and tragedies that made no sense in the eyes of man. But in God's eyes, it was part of his perfect plan to bring glory to himself.

To those wrestling with Kellie's blog, what do you do with Job, who experienced great tragedy and affliction from Satan himself? His response to it all was "The Lord gives and THE LORD takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." What you do with Joseph, who was promised to be king and yet his life went to hell before it ever actually happened? Was God just "redeeming" bad events and turning them for good? Or was he "working (not turning) all things together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose?" Joseph himself said it at the end: "You intended to harm me, but God intended (not turned) it for good." God was working a plan all along. Its easy to see this from Joseph's perspective, after he was made king. But what about when you're in the bottom of a pit, or in jail, and don't see the end of the road? Is God the same then? Is he any less in control because we don't understand him or see where he's going with our tragedy? I believe he gave us Jobs and Josephs to answer that question - to give us full assurance that he is working out a plan to bring himself glory. We could go on and talk about Moses, Elijah, Ruth and many others.

What about Jesus? Could the death of the son of God really be the perfect plan of a perfect God? Couldn't we just say that the soldiers in their poor choices took Jesus' life and God turned it into a redemptive act? Jesus even told them "No one takes my life from me, but I lay it down of my own accord." And the Bible describes Jesus as the Lamb that was slain "from the foundations of the world." Do we really understand what this means? It means that God has a perfect plan that's unstoppable! And part of that is to work all things for good for believers. (The reason there's so much evil in the world is because he does not work things for good to unbelievers, and left up to themselves, many poor choices are made. But the best part is that none of these choices will ever upset or overturn God's perfect plan! He may even use them to accomplish a part his plan, and there are many Biblical examples of that - such as Pharaoh, etc.)

If the wrong choices of unbelievers could get in the way of God's (and I don't believe there a single Biblical example of that), then I have to question how "in control" is he. And if something or someone else is in more control that they can stop God's plan, then they would be greater than God; and we should just serve them.

We must let scripture be our anchor amidst flying opinions. God wants you to be comforted by his sovereignty as expressed in the Bible. Sometimes, when people bump into the mystery of the all-knowing infinite God, they get uncomfortable. And the tendency is to "make for ourselves an image" of what we want him to be. We often bring him down to our level and the Bible never does that. Let's let God be God and occupy his throne in beauty and glory and let all men humble themselves when their finite brains can't see the end of the road of God's perfect plan in a tragedy.

Your blog is encouraging. I know that your realizations have been forged in the fires of affliction. Historically, the things you talked about in that blog are what have kept missionaries going amidst adversities. Its what kept Hudson Taylor at the China Inland Mission though nearly everyone who came to serve caught malaria and died within 2-3 months. Its what inspired the hymn-writer to write "It is Well" on hearing the news of the death of his wife and daughters. And many other examples. People may not understand it. They will say it is mean and insensitive and hurtful. I didn't see any of that in your blog. Just read some of the other blogs to see the grief process the Lord brought you through. Instead, I saw godly contentment. I saw a faith that few Christians ever have - a faith that will enable you to accomplish so much for the Kingdom.

So, be unwavering in your commitment to the sovereignty of God in all things. Be steadfast in your commitment to letting Scripture define your understanding of God and how he works through tragedies. And (as you have done) be patient with others who don't understand such a God-centered view of God; afterall, it is the exact opposite view that American culture wants us to have (which is, that God is ultimately man-centered). You are beginning to remind me of Elizabeth Elliot and Joni Eareckson Tada and people like that. May God receive all glory in all things!

# posted by Anonymous : 12:11 AM

I praise the Lord for you Kellie. I am so sad that we live in a fallen world- that we are a fallen people who cannot comprehend God's goodness. We are a people who, when we see the bright goodness of His truths, shut our eyes, because we prefer to sit in the darkness. Have you ever been woken up by someone shining a flashlight in your eyes? It isn't fun. You want to smack them. John 1:5 I am so thankful that you are a flashlight! That you do not hide your light under a bushel... that you set it on a hill. Your light reaches so far and touches the ends of the earth, Kellie.

Praise be to the Lord when you are persecuted because of righteousness, for you are assured that yours is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

I think you are very wise to look to the cross- To see Jesus there, the King of Glory, hanging naked on a cross... and to know that He IS God- He could have taken himself down, he could have crushed every person that nailed him there... "but for the joy set before Him... He endured it."

If there was ever anyone that the world could have benefitted from having a little longer, it would have been Jesus. Yet in His absolute goodness and because His ways are so very much farther above our ways, He did not remove the pain. Jesus was born to die. Our king, from the first breath he took, walked the path toward calvary. Are we so naive to think that when He chose Judas to be one of the twelve, that He didn't know when and how he would be betrayed by him? Do we really think Judas is the one with the power in that situation? Our only hope is in God's decision to have things happen the way they did. At any moment he could have called 10,000 angels down to take his place. Without the cross, we have nothing but our sin dept to show for ourselves. As it stands, we are given Christs' righteousness. Oh what a Savior.

You are so brave and good to be able to unswervingly hold onto God's past faithfulness and trust his providence and plans. To trust Him as a child.

I know he delights in you.

# posted by Jess : 12:15 AM

I love the above comment from Jess! That's so true and such good Biblical examples. To the Christians of Jesus day, it would have been far better is Jesus had lived longer. But God's perfect plan was for him to die when he did. If God's plans are that unalterable, then we have such a confidence as believers that he is working things for his glory and our good.

You are such an incredible example to those around you. You have something many Christians don't have. To see the joy you have in God and how you consider yourself so blessed and you amazing servant's heart and your intimate walk with God are such evidences of God's grace. Your joy in God in NO way minimizes the real pain and suffering you experience from the loss of A.J. You are no less sensitive because you can rejoice. It just means that Scripture is more alive to you and not just words on a page. Its become "You very word, living in me" (from "Breathe") and it has become your rock in the midst of the storm. So, as Jess said, hold "unswervingly" to the soveriegnty of God and trust him in all things. William Cowper writes in "God Moves in a Mysterious Way," the following:

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

# posted by Anonymous : 12:44 AM

Kellie,
Continue to hold on to God and to seek His ways and His Word as you have done! It saddens me that others who are hurting would take attacks against what you are feeling and being ministered to about from the Lord. I believe that God was in total control of the accident that afternoon. If He wasn't then the person that was driving the car that hit yours would have been the one in control of AJ's life...and that is clearly not true. As Job said, "The Lord gives and THE LORD takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Only God breathes life into us all, he set forth an exact time and exact place for us to be born. He determined that long before we were ever physically born and yet does He not have the same power to, as the world sees death - take it away? He does have that power and control. If he didn't then I would be in full control of when I or someone else's life was to end. I love and worship a soverign and mighty God and though many may not believe it - I believe and know in my heart that God is in control.

We all sin, no one person here today is perfect, yet that is what we have been called to strive to. We have been called to be like Jesus. And AJ's death being the consequence of someone's sin does not make sense or set right with my Spirit and the Word of the Lord.

Ultimately I think about God in this situation and seek out what His will is for all of us and what is it that we are to take from AJ's death. AJ's death caused pain and grieve in many of our lives, that is normal, that is a part of who we are. However, God wants us to turn our eyes to Him!

Who are we to say that someone else is being selfish or not hearing from God or that a love has diminished? Are we able to get inside of each others thoughts, spirit, and heart to determine what one truly feels and does not feel?

We have been called to be a family - a united body that works together to show others the grace, mercy, and Glory of God and yet we have taken the liberty upon ourselves to decide that what Kellie has said is not of God.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden." ~Matthew 5:14

AJ would want us to seek God and rejoice in what the Lord has done. God brought together 100's of people from literally across the world at AJ's funeral. Family and friends came from all over to celebrate the life that AJ lived. AJ touched so many people's lives through His walk with the Lord. And because of that those whose lives AJ touched will go out into the world and touch the lives of so many others and so on and so on. That is God!!!!! AJ gave God His life and allowed God to lead Him to the places he went and to minister to the people that he ministered to and to marry the wife that God had set out for him. And I give God the glory for AJ and the life that he lived.

Kellie...Keep seeking God. You are touching the lives of so many people. I am so blessed by the witness you have been to God's greatness. My life was forever changed because of AJ and still continues to be because of you!

I love you Kel! I pray that God continues to bless you and comfort you. May you know that we support you and love you!

# posted by Anonymous : 10:10 AM

Excellent posting above!! I agree with everything you said. It must have really encouraged and strengthened Kellie; I know it did for me. Keep encouraging her that way, whoever you are, because that was just awesome! (And most importantly, excellent use of Biblical examples.)

Allen

# posted by Anonymous : 9:18 PM

ON OUR SITE

OTHER LINKS

God Can Handle Our Anger