A Grief Observed
Last night I cried myself to sleep as I do many nights. I was missing AJ more last night. The bed was emptier than it had ever been. I needed him to hold me last night, but he was not there to embrace me, which only made my tears continue to flow.
Some reality is starting to sink in. I had been at a point ever since AJ died that I was convinced he was going to come back. I had the faith that God could bring him back. I figured and hoped God would decide He was mistaken and that AJ did not belong with Him quite yet. I begged God to bring AJ back, then I begged Him some more and some more.
Now as more time has passed I realize AJ is not coming back. He is gone forever. It brings my grief to another level. It is more real to me now. I also know that I will probably be able to say that statement 3 months from now and have it still be true. I still don't think it is as real to me as it will finally end up being. I still look around at my life and have to remind myself this is actually happening. I realize the days are still getting harder.
The finality of his death is sinking in. The reality that all I have left to hold onto of AJ are memories and pictures. I recently made a photo album of AJ and I's life together. It was odd to get to the last page and have it be completed. I realized that the book was over, just as his life was over. There is nothing more to write and no more pictures to be taken. No more smiles on his face, well at least his face as I knew it here. No more of his silly jokes that always used to make me laugh. Gosh, I miss his laugh.
Eli is crying in his room next me, he is trying to fall asleep and just had his immunization shots. I am sitting here crying too, missing his daddy and trying to find my way through all of this. I'm trying to use words, which are always so inadequate, to describe my journey.
Two nights ago I read C.S. Lewis' book- A Grief Observed, it was good and helped me, but it was also very challenging. His wife died after only a few short years of marriage of cancer. This book was basically just a copy of his journal through those times of intense grief over his wife.
The main thing it helped me with was to show me the reality of my situation and the extreme devastation of death. I don't mean that in a "woe is me" kind of way. I mean that to say that I can't live and pretend as if everything is fine- because it is not. My husband died! It is a big deal- not something that can easily be shrugged off. It will be crutch I have for the rest of my life. I will constantly have a whole in my heart from the loss of AJ.
C.S. Lewis wrote on page 52 of A Grief Observed, "To say the patient is getting over it after an operation of appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on a wooden leg. He has 'got over it.' But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed."
I am going to take things minute by minute and day by day, hoping that God will give me the wisdom and the guidance I need for the "now". As I am walking with Him and bringing every decision to His throne I trust He will keep me in His will. I trust my life will honor Him as I so desire it to do.
I want to live my life on God's terms. I believe He has happiness for me, I believe someday I will know a love like AJ and I shared once again. Just because I say I want to grieve in a healthy way does not mean that I think God wants me to cry and be sad for the rest of my life! God desires us to be joyful. He is also close to the brokenhearted. Both are ok. I just want to be doing what He desires when He desires. I want to please Him.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-7, "There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: a right time for birth and another for death... A right time to cry and another to laugh... a right time to lament and another to cheer... a right time to search and another to count your losses...a right time to hold on and another to let go."
One thing I am trying to be careful of is not to let life distract me from grieving over AJ as I would. I will not live in denial of what has happened. It will not go away if I ignore it. I do miss AJ terribly. I do want to grieve over him in a healthy way.
I don't want to put my hope in anything or anyone but God. I will not allow this to happen. I do not want to be blindsided or distracted. God is the only way I can get through this. He has promised to carry me- but on one condition- that I allow Him to carry me.
"God, I am all yours- take me in your arms, let me rise on eagles wings and soar with you."
posted by Kellie # 3:18 PM
