Everything's coming up roses
Perspectives change daily, even minute by minute for me. I am finding that my perspective can affect how I feel and how I cope with my situation.
AJ helped me learn so much about having a good perspective on things. In so many ways I feel like he prepared me for this. By no means do I think that he knew his life was going to be snatched away from him. But still, I think as a good husband, he was preparing me and equipping me for life, always making me stronger.
God did these things in me through AJ. It is only God who can work on a heart, but still I think often God uses humans to do most of His work. In my life, He used AJ to do a huge work. One that I know prepared me to face today.
AJ always had such a casual and carefree outlook on death and dying. We talked about it- since we talked about everything there possibly was to talk about- that was a subject that we were bound to get on eventually. We talked about it on various occasions. AJ was always so non-chalaunt about it. He knew it was just a fact of life. We are all going to die someday. He knew with all of his being where he was going and that excited him. He did not have one ounce of fear in him about dying. He never made it seem like a bad thing.
I think this is something that is helping me presently cope with his death. Since he wasn't ever afraid- why should I be? He never considered it bad or negative. This helps me look at the positive aspects of dying- like the new glorious life AJ has with Jesus. He always had an eternal perspective with a full understanding that nothing here can go with us when we die. I know he is at peace and happy. He is finally full and complete and truly fulfilled in every meaning of that word. That gives me peace. That is not a perspective I could have had if AJ had not shared his thoughts about death with me. I am so thankful he did. I am so thankful he lead me and shepherded my heart.
Another thing that has prepared me to face these days is going through pregnancy. I remember during the last month when I was so uncomfortable- just wishing Eli was out of my body. I wanted to go into labor so badly! I did not want to be big and uncomfortable anymore. I remember every day seemed like eternity. I felt like the weeks until my due date were never going to pass.
Now in light of my present situation I think on these days often. Those days were so uncomfortable. But they did pass. Eli was in me for a temporary amount of time. I was guaranteed that Eli was going to come out of me eventually. He was definitely not going to be in me forever- even though sometimes it seemed like he was! But once he was out I knew I had a lifetime to spend with him. Suddenly those few weeks were not so bad and dreadful. A few weeks compared to a lifetime was not very long. I knew I could make it through them- and I did.
That is how I feel with this situation. I will be apart from AJ for the rest of my life here on earth. But I will be with him for all of eternity. These years here on earth are so short compared to that eternity! I know I will and can make it through this just as I made it through those weeks. Even though years are longer than weeks- I will get through them just the same. By the grace of God and by keeping my perspective on Him. By fixing my eyes on the hope set before me.
God is the end for me. Not the means to an end. God is my ultimate goal. I know I talk so much about AJ and getting to be with him in heaven. But even though my love for AJ was so strong- my love for God is even stronger, transcending the love AJ and I shared. I am even more excited to see God when I get to heaven than AJ. My hope is in God, my eyes are set on Jesus.
That is what AJ always pointed me to. His life directed me to God. When I get to heaven AJ will be there to greet me and he will be excited for me- but it will be because he will be overjoyed for me to finally be united with my Savior and Father. Even there I know AJ will be directing me to God and pointing to Him. This is the true meaning of worship. Pointing to God. Glorifying God. When it is said that all we will do in heaven is worship the Lord- I think it means that our lives will be an act of worship; it will be in the core of who and what we are. All that we do will point to Him and not ourselves.
That is how it will be in heaven. But it can be like that here on earth. That is what earth is preparing us for. We should have a lifestyle of worship. Worship goes so much further and deeper beyond just singing and music one day a week. It is in our smile, it is our breath, it is how we talk, what we do and who we are. Worship is simply pointing to God and not yourself.
posted by Kellie # 4:35 PM
