Following the Leader
Last night was one of those nights when my mind was racing full of thoughts. I didn't sleep much last night. It took a long time to fall asleep, then, once asleep I woke up often during the night and stayed awake for a while each time I awoke. I had a lot of time to think in my dark bedroom underneath my warm bedspread litening to the lull of Eli's breaths confirming he was peacefully sound asleep. I love hearing his little snore at night, it is so sweet.
In the quiet of last night I did a lot of praying. I spent those long silent hours with God. I did a lot of soul searching and heart examinging. Asking myself, do I like the person I am daily becoming? That is a question I feel I must regularly ask myself. I am changing daily, I want to make sure the changes are making me better and drawing me closer to God and making me more like Him.
I don't want to become bitter over the death of my husband. I don't want to be selfish and feel as though the world should and does revolve around me. I don't want to feel like I should get special treatment and priviledge just because something terrible happened to me. God loves all of us the same. I want to be humble and focused on others and not myself. I want to be a blessing to those around me. I want to be used to bless others, strangers included.
I want to speak blessings over others. I believe our tongues are very powerful and can control a lot. I want to use it for good. I want to speak good things about others and be an encouragment. I do not want to complain or critize, that does not accomplish anything for the Kingdom of God.
I am far from perfect, which is exactly why I was asking God for so much help last night. I do not have this whole thing called life all figured out. I am far from being the child of God that I want to be. I have a long way to go down the Highway of Holiness mentioned throughout the scriptures. But at the same time I do not feel condemned by God. On the contrary His love for me is very real.
Even more real to me is His love for all of creation. Sometimes it is overwhelming to me. I get filled with God's love and compassion overflows in me for other people. I want to live like this. I want to always realize just how much God values every single one of His children- enough to suffer and die a shameful death on the cross. He would do it a thousand times and even if you reading this was the only person in the entire world- he would go through it all- just for you. He did it, He suffered, He died- just for you.
I miss AJ. I miss just about everything you can possible miss about a person. I miss the smell of his breath in the morning. I miss his laugh, his touch, his smile- everything. More than just things about him though- I miss how he affected me and my life. I miss being his wife. I miss making his lunch every morning and writing "I love you", or "Have a great day," or "You're the Best" on his napkin. I miss cooking dinner for him. I miss cleaning our house and washing his clothes. All these things that I took for granted while he was still here- I miss. I loved being a wife.
One of the biggest things I miss about being a wife is being lead by my husband. I felt that AJ constantly was challenging me and pushing me. He wanted me to be the best I could be. He never would let me give up. AJ held me accountable. We talked all the time about who we wanted to be. We shared sins we struggled with and in response would both help each other to live victoriously.
AJ was always sharing vision for me and for our family. He was constantly shaping who I was becoming. He lead me closer to God. I am a better person because I knew him and because he was my husband. He fulfilled every bit of what I believe God desired a husband to fulfill for his wife. I found so much comfort in being lead by him.
I miss submitting to him. I miss the security there was in allowing him to lead me. I was priviledged to come under his authority as his wife. I felt so safe there. It was so in order. I was created to be a wife and a mother. I could have told you that when I was 8 years old and I can still tell you that today.
All of you who are wives that are reading this today, don't take your husband's leadership and authority for granted. Even though submitting is not always the easiest thing to do, it is right and in God's order for you as a wife. Husbands, make sure you are taking every opportunity you have to lead your wife. Hold her accountable, love her and lead her. It is a high calling to be the leader; to be a husband. Wives, it is such a high calling for you to submit and to be a wife. I would do anything to be lead by my husband again. Those of you who still have this privledge- please use it.
Many people think submitting to a husband is a sign of weakness. I think it is anything but that- It is a sign of strength! It does not mean you lazily just sit around and have your husband tell you exactly what to do. You make decisions together, but in the end after talking through it together even if you don't agree with your husband you should still submit.
I believe that when we get to heaven and are standing before God that husbands are accountable for how well they lead us, and wives are accountable for how well we submitted. I never recognized how much peace there was in submitting to my husband. Now that I am on my own I wish I had that man along side of me to help me and lead me a guide me. I know I don't always know what is best for myself or Eli.
God didn't create women to be leaders in the home, we were created to be helpers. In Genisis 2 :18, God said, "It's not good for Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." I loved serving AJ and helping him. I felt my role here was to help AJ be and do all God had desired for him. I just wish he was still here for me to help him and for him to lead me.
Colossians 3:18-19, "Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them."
I know God will equip me now with all I need. But to those of you who still have a marriage- make the most of it and please don't take it for granted!
posted by Kellie # 10:52 AM
