Kellie - I can only imagine all of the questions you have and the pain that you continue to encounter. My prayer for you from the beginning has been that you would have ears to hear and eyes to see the goodness of God. For the simple reason that so many times we ofter shut out God in our times of greatest need. God is going to pull you through this because you have been so willing and able. He is using you everyday and everyday you are drawing near to Him - that is such a testimony. I love you with all my heart and I just want you to know that I am praying for you, as are many others around the world.
 

Kellie- I have never met you, but I somehow stumbled across your blog. I want you to know that you have been an incredible testimony to me about having ultimate faith. Your love for your God is amazing. I thank you for sharing these deep thoughts. And I also thank you for inspiring me in so many ways to deepen my walk with Jesus. I can't even imagine what pain you are going through, but God will redeem you and eventually make good from all of this. Keep listening! God Bless you and Eli!
 

That seems I think the number 1 question in peoples minds about this tragedy. "why did God take him?" I have been wrestling with this question since it happaned. My faith suffers through it sometimes and I think 'I just want to know why'. What you are saying about choice makes so much sense and in some deep place it has helps me understand. I think in some weird way this could be a testimony to people who not only have expirienced a loss but for people who don't know God. Like others on this board I don't understand how you hold onto your faith but it has effected me personally and spiritually and from reading some of the other comments, you have effected others as well.

You are going to make it...wow
 

I randomly came across your blog and was moved by the tragic events that have unfolded for you, but more importantly I was moved by your devotion. I believe - as much as I believe in our Lord and Savior - that He does not give us situations we are unable to handle. What you are experiencing, though traumatic and heavy with suffering, is something God knows you were prepared for, and He will see you through it. Oswald Chambers' June 25th entry (a devotional I think is second to none) makes a case for this. The story of Peter walking on water also comes to mind. Jesus put Peter in that testing situation not by accident, and in Peter's time of need (potentially drowning), Jesus immediately reached out to him and pulled him up.

God will see you through this - your time of need. God bless and may He grant you and Eli peace through Him.
 

God and AJ are smiling down on you now with a sense of pride in the work they see being accomplished in you and through you! You are allowing God to work through you to touch so many lives and to show the love of Christ in the way you are responding to this tragic situation. But we know deep inside ourselves that the tragedy that occured that awful night didn't occur to AJ. He is now in the place of all places waiting for us all in the great reunion that we hope for and wait for. You have been chosen for a great and mighty work my sweet young lady! God protected and saved you and Mr. Eli for a devine purpose. He knows what good will come out of this tragedy. As you stated, God knows the good and the bad that will befall us. We, however, have the choice to make decisions every day that will honor Him and bring others to a real knowledge of His love. You truly are doing that in this time. You are allowing God's healing light to shine through your beautiful spirit! May the Lord continue to Bless you and Eli and Barb and Carl and keep you all in the protective and loving palm of His hand.
 

Kellie, these are such good questions that you are asking. The good thing in trying to find some answers is that God has given us his word. It so good that you don't want to lean on feelings and emotions. You must let scripture be your anchor. Feelings, people, and even our own thoughts are subjective, but Scripture is objective. When lots of people made terrible decisions that harmed and endangered Joseph's life, God was working out a plan. Prov. 19:21 says, "Many are the plan's in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." At the end Jospeph said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good" (Ge. 50:20). How encouraging that God didn't just "turn it" for good, but actually "intended" it for good. Now, what is the "it"? It must be harm itself, because he was not spared harm and grief and suffering; he had it all. But the soveriegnty of God and knowing that God was working out a plan sustained him. In Ge. 45:5,7, & 8, Joseph says 3 times that the suffering he went through was God's design to bring about the saving of many lives! So, then, through good decisions or bad, suffering is sometimes God working out a plan. He is a painter painting a picture that might not come into focus for some time, but it is so reassuring to see that he is not allowing the untrained hands to just throw paint of the canvas. He is the Master Artist of our lives!

You could also turn to Job, whose suffering, unlike Joseph's, was from the direct hand of Satan. A reading of Job 1 & 2 shows that Satan couldn't do a single thing that God did not allow. Popular American theology suggests that Satan and God are on level ground fighting to be king of the hill. Nothing could be further from Scripture. Satan wouldn't take a breath if God did not allow it. So, in Job's suffering, Satan was acting, but he was always on a leash, whose other end was in God's hand. Job, recognizing this gives us the most difficult text in all the Bible. Job 1:21, he says, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." (And how amazing that this was the echo of your heart at the funeral!) But this is a difficult text for popular American theology because Job does not say "The Lord gave and SATAN has taken away," but " . . . the Lord has taken away." Then, when his wife told him to curse God and die, he told her "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

How can that be encouraging? Well, it is encouraging, joy-producing, sustaining, and life-giving, and here's how:

1.) It means that no event, no matter how catastrophic and devastating, can ever knock God off his throne. In fact, what was the most catastrophic event for God in all of history? The cross, when men in all of their free will made the most evil decision men could make - kill God. But scripture says the Lamb was slain from the foundations of the world. The cross itself was not God turning a terrible event for good, but the plan of God from the beginning of time to redeem the lost. If God reigned supreme, had a plan, and acted purposefully in that terrible situation, is He not doing the same for your situation?

2.) It means that the fate of man never lies in the hands of man. This is my biggest concern for you. If A.J. was killed because of this woman's bad decision, it would mean that his fate was in her hands, not God's. If you stay on that path, it will end up in the "slough of depsond" (have you ever read "Pilgrim's Progress"?!!) Here's where that thought pattern will eventually go: If one person's bad decision brought about A.J.'s death, then one person's good decision could have avoided his death. And you will begin to think things like, "If we had stayed at the rest area a few seconds longer..." or "If we only talked for a few seconds shorter at Carl and Barb's, the wreck would have happened behind us..." and so on. And you will quickly be wrestling with guilt and depsair. His fate, your and Eli's fate, was never in the hands of anyone but God. Now, God may allow Satan to have a hand in His plan (like He did with Job), but as you have continued to say, it is God who is in control.

3.) It means that as God's chidren, we are unstoppable until His plan for us is complete. The sovereignty of God is a call to risk all for the cause of Christ and missions and love for the world. And nothing describes A.J. better. It was as though God had planted these things in His heart. The error would be to take a fatalistic mindset and think that it doesn't matter what we do. The Sovereignty of God in the Bible teaches the exact opposite! It totally matters what we do to see "His kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven." Our role is to cherish God and love Him and cling to Him so the world and the church may see his beauty. In so doing, we will find ourselves being used in His plans to bring Him glory.

4.) It means that "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." You both love Him and are called accroding to his purpose! He's working this for good. He's not just turning bad into good, but he's working this together, as a painter brings together stressing colors and contrasts, for good, for beauty and for God's glory.

5.) It means we can find contentment even when we don't have all the answers. If God really is in control and Sovereign the way the Bible says He is, we can rest in that. In addition, if we, finite creatures with ideas that have been tainted with sin, see that God is infinite, knows the beginning from the end, has His way "in the whirlwind and the storm" (Na. 1:3), and is completely perfect in all He does, then it will be no wonder that there may be some questions we don't find answers to. But the facts we do know about God never change.

God want's Biblical facts to be your anchor in a confusing storm. He IS always talking. Let Him minister to you the all-sufficiency of His grace and the rock of His great sovereignty, through His word. I hope this made sense. I hope these truths have given you strength and hope as they have to so many Christians and missionaries all over the world for so many centuries. There is so much satisfaction in God. And when you find that, he is so glorified! As John Piper says, "He is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him."
 

Dear Kellie,
My heart goes out to you! If you remember, my husband died in March, 2000. We were all at MRRC at that time, I think. He used to sit in the very back row & almost run out the door when the service was over! He thought he could somehow get into heaven thru me. I had been praying for at least 15 years for God to save him, no matter what! I knew that was a hard thing to pray, since people do have free will. It took Bobby a long time & a lot of suffering before he finally gave in to the LORD. I don't know why lost people are so stubborn! (yes, I do). The enemy is trying to blind the eyes & stop up the ears of the lost, so they won't come to Jesus in time, before His soon return.
After over ten long years of suffering, Bobby gave his life to Jesus. Almost immediately, the medicine that had kept him alive all those years gave him leukemia. He died 4 mos later. But he didn't really die at all. He is alive & totally well, in heaven. Perhaps he & A.J. have met?
God still had a plan for my life. For the next year, it was really tough.
God gave me insight into a man I worked with. The Lord told me to pray for this guy, because he had a broken heart. he was into the gothic stuff, tattoos, body peircings, ect...
plus he is 17 yrs younger than me.
Neither of us had any idea what God had planned for us.
I began to pray for him daily. He didn't know this. Slowly, over time, we became friends. Eventuallly he agreed to go with me to a bible study at a home. I really thought he would back out. When I went to pick him up, he said he had to babysit his brother until his dad got home.
I waited for about a half hour & finally told him I would call him later to see if he could come later. He did end up coming, just as it was ending. But he at least got to meet some christians & see we are normal people! A lot of unsaved people think we are just plain WEIRD!
Well, I continued to pray for him & after more than a year, he got saved! We were married 2 months later. That has been over 3 1/2 yrs now!
I had told him up front that I had a elderly aunt & mom that I took care of & that at any time we may have to move in with them.
We may have had a year, but probably not that long before we had to move in with them. My aunt passed in 2001 & my mom passed the same day A.J. went home to the LORD.
My new husband changed his work hours so he could be home with her in the evenings while I worked. We hardly ever got to see each other or spend time together. I am an only child, so there is no one else that could help out.
He took such good care of her while I worked. God is soooo Good! My mom deteriorated to the point of being totally bedridden & paralysed. We prayed every night for God to take her at His appointed time for her. She was in so much pain, she just wanted it to end.
She got to be at home & I was with her when she took her last breath. I kissed her head & told her to go dance with daddy. One thing I always remembered was how my parents used to love to dance together.
Two days later when I was getting ready to go to the viewing, the Lord gave me some scriptures & things to tell the minister who was going to do her service. I didnt know him & wasnt sure if he would do it. but i looked up the verses. One of them is the one about 'a time to be born, a time to die. a time to mourn & a time to DANCE! I had never reallly noticed the dance part of that before. It was so cool to me. To me it said that God was with us when she passed & she is ok.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart with the world. You are such a blessing. I do feel your pain. I think it is especially hard because he was taken from you so suddenly. You can't help but feel cheated out of the life that I am sure you both had planned.
When I first heard of this, I prayed a lot about it. All I got was 'thank you, Lord, for sparing A.J. ,Kellie or Eli from something even more devistating in the future. We don't know what tommorrow holds, But Jesus does. I hope this makes sense to you. We just don't know what may happen down the road of life.
Just like I never in a milliion years would have thought I would remarry, much less to someone so much younger than myself.
But if I didn't have my present husband, my mom would have had to be in a nursing home & she didn't want that. That would have broken my heart to see her somewhere other than home. of course, I know that people usually have no other option. I am just thankful that God gave me the gift of my husband & that I can rejoice with Bobby, that he is in heaven. Our time here on earth is so small in comparison to ETERNITY.
I just want you to know that I feel your pain, I love you & I will keep on praying for you, Eli & your family. Are you getting help taking care of Eli? How is he doing?
Take comfort in loving your new baby. They don't stay little very long. I am so happy that you took so many pictures! You will always treasure them. You can show them to Eli as he grows into the man of God he is destined to be!
Love,
Pam
 

Dear Kellie,

I am a friend of Jenifer Bruce's. My heart broke when I heard that you had lost your husband. It brought back my own memories of my young husband dying in a freaky accident. Like you, I had young children (4, 2 and 7 monthsm, although Jack was alone when he was killed 18 years ago.

I can relate to all of the emotions and questions in your heart as I remember the pain I felt. I remember how important it was to me to hold on to God and His promises. I know how difficult the nights are because you are not busy with life. It is quiet and you are alone with your thoughts and unable to sleep. I felt the presence of God and His arms holding me tight. I begged Him to let me feel His presence many nights!

As time passes, I can look back and see God's hand in so many of the events that unfolded both before and after the accident. His provisions have been amazing to me. The support of so many people, the photos that had been taken, the people whose lives were touched by Jack's and how God took care of the four of us who were left. He was there very step of the way.

As I tell my children, life is hard! Thank God that we do not have to walk through the dark days alone. God is our strength when none of our strength is left. He is our tower in the times when we feel lost and alone. He is our rock when all around us is frantic and confusing.
Keep your hope, Kellie! I thank God for all of the provisions He is making for you and Eli. God is so... good! Connie