Analogies of Contrasts
White is to Black as the beginning of 2004 is to the end of 2004. OK, so I know that is a bit cheesy- but it is true!
What a crazy year. I went from being the happiest I have ever been to now the most distraught and devastated that I have ever been in my life. I gave birth to my first child and lost my husband all within the same year. I don't really think there are many people out there who could say the same thing.
I am glad 2004 is over, in spite of all the wonderful things that happened this year- I will still remember it as the worst year of my life. Farewell 2004.
Here's to hoping and clinging to this hope with all I've got that 2005 is better. I know it will be immensely hard. The days are only getting harder right now as the reality is settling in more- but hopefully I'll reach the point where it starts to get easier. I know it will take a lot of time, but I am going walk and I am gonna keep on walking. AJ always taught me to never give up- whether the task was big or small he always encouraged me to persevere. Interesting that the word severe is such a big part of the word persevere.
God is still good. I must keep declaring this. Even as the days are getting harder God is still God and God is still good. He won't change. He is my rock, my constant One that I am clinging to. He is the hope I have set before me. Desperately I yearn for him in these days.
I am thankful that I continued to seek God when all was well and my life was perfect. Now I am clinging to all that I learned from the "good" times and using the strength I received from coming apart with God when everything was fine to get through today, and the days to come, now that my life has completely fallen apart.
This one thing I have learned: We need to seek God and come apart with him constantly and regularly- no matter what our circumstances, whether good or bad. To the faithful- He is faithful. But you know, the wonderful thing about God is that He is faithful to us even if we aren't faithful to him. Although, when we are faithful to him we get to experience and reap the benefits of his faithfulness to greater measures.
I am obviously not at any big New Year Celebration tonight. Actually, in contrast, I am sitting here at home alone posting this blog tonight. Eli is peacefully sleeping- what a good boy!
I am trying to treat today as if it were any other day. But it is really more than that. It marks exactly 2 months from when the accident happened. And obviously as all know by now- it is the last day of the year. Most people are partying dressed in their best, but instead I am in front of the computer wearing my PJ's.
AJ and I's first kiss, and the beginning of our dating relationship, was on this very night 3 years ago. It is actually a really funny story. You got a sec? You wanna hear(read) it? Ok.
So, AJ and I had been seriously hanging out as "friends" for a few months. We would talk for hours at a time and go on walks on the beach and get coffee, all of course as "friends". I was falling hard for him and he was acting the same way for me.
AJ was having a New Years Eve party at his house that he invited me to. I said I'd go on one condition, that he came and picked me up and then drove me home. He agreed.
Right before he left to come get me I instant messaged him a question. Something to the extent of, "Do you like me as more than a friend?" AJ quickly ended the conversation and said we'd talk about it after he picked me up.
(I used to bug him a lot about what happened next. We often shared a good laugh over this. He claimed he was following his brain and not his heart.)
We got to his house and I got the boot. He said he only liked me as a friend and that he didn't think it could ever work out between us. I was crushed, and now wishing I had driven myself to his house because I so wanted to leave!!
It turned out that only guys showed up to his party, I was the only girl. I literally laid underneath his coffee table as everyone watched movies and tried to hide my tears of disappointment.
So, I made it through the evening and AJ drove me home. He got out and opened my car door. There in my driveway he just planted a big wet one on me- He kissed me! I was so excited. You won't believe what I did next. I said, "Could you do that again?" And he did. It was wonderful. Right after that we both prayed together and gave our relationship to God. What a wonderful night. Tonight is such a contrast to it.
WOW- I miss AJ. My heart aches for him. My body physically hurts for him. It is still so hard for me to conceive. I can't believe something so horrible could actually happen, more than just on TV. Maybe that is the grace of God that it comes in waves of reality and gradually becomes more real in small increments. These holidays have certainly helped make it real, sometimes too real, very painfully real.
God, I surrender to You and to Your ways. You alone are God. Come and fill me now with all that I need, you alone God truly know what that is. Lord I pray that you carry me through this next year. Gently lead me and guide. Keep me in Your will. I run to you oh God. I bow at Your feet. I need you. Apart from You I can do nothing. Forgive me for ever trying to live for even a second without you. Forgive me for my pride in thinking I can ever do it with out you. I confess my deep need for You. Now, God as I go to sleep tonight- please give me a peaceful and restful sleep. Your grace is sufficient for me. It is in Your name, Jesus Christ, that I pray- Amen.
Jesus is Lord!
posted by Kellie # 10:15 PM
