Raw Oysters
Ok so this blog will have nothing to do with oysters but still the title seemed appropriate, hopefully in the end you'll see why.
It is neat I am meeting so many people that AJ blessed along his way through life here on earth. He was so amazing and I just love hearing the stories all about him. It is neat because everyone knew AJ in a different way. He impacted each person differently. It must be the way he took real time to invest in every person that he met. He made everyone feel as though they truly mattered and were important to him. In the same respect I am enjoying people sharing with me the ways AJ impacted their own lives. My love and respect for AJ is growing even still, even though he is gone.
Tonight Carl and Barb and I did a lot of talking. We all probably talked more together tonight then we have since all this has happened. We sat on the couches to watch tv and instead ended up muting the tv. I think that is something that we all should do more often. Turn the volume down on our tvs and the volume up for those around us. We should give others our undivided attention and really listen to what they have to say. We all have something to say.
One thing that is more evident to me after our conversation is that our emotions are so real. There are no veils to conceal what we are feeling and absolutely no strength or desire to try to hide our emotions. Grief is real. This pain is real. I know too that my mind can't even conceive how devastated I am right now. If that makes sense. It is weird how something can be so real and yet so unreal all in the same breath at the same time.
One thing I know is that I can't deny the great loss. I can't and won't sit here and deny the pain I feel and the huge hole in my heart. On the other hand I am getting a glimpse of what it means to share in the sufferings of God. Never for a second do I believe God did this or desired this and that is not what I mean by that statement. No, I mean God suffers for us and over this world and its brokenness. I am now sharing in that, only fractionally. Also, I am at least a step closer to understand and knowing the pain God felt when he lost his son; when Jesus died on the cross. How much God must have suffered to see all his son had to go through- how terrible must that have been for him. I am marginally sharing in that now. Although I know I will never fully know the pain. His pain.
Here's a mind bending thought, one that at least bends my own mind. We here all the time God is glorious, God is love and all these wonderful happy and joyful thoughts on God and to descibe God. But what about the suffering and pain God must experience too? Did you ever stop to think of God weeping and grieving too? He must. Think of how much more he loved AJ than any of us even came close to. How much did it pain him to see him die. Also think of how much he loves us. He knows our pain and it breaks his heart to see us in this pain. God is suffering more than all of us. Now take that and add it to all the suffering going on this corrupt fallen world. God is suffering. That is a picture of God I never had before. But now seems very real and very descriptive. As much as he loves he suffers too. He must long for it to be time to redeem us by bringing his son back. It must be so hard and yet even then he is gracious to us. He is waiting for us and giving us as much time as he possible can for us to turn from sin and get our lives right with Him. He is giving us time to know Him and accept Him and share Him with those who don't know Jesus is Lord and the way the truth and the life.
So back to raw oysters. My emotions are very raw. Too real for words. I can't describe how I feel. People are often asking me- "How are you?" And honestly I really don't know. The best answer I can give is that I am alive and I am making it. The only future I can see right now is the next second ahead of me. I am living minute by minute and for now that is an accomplishment. I am relying on God wholly.
I also don't want to use my grief as a crutch or an excuse to live in any less of a way then I was before all this happened. I don't want to use this to justify any sin in any way. That is not of God. I have no excuse for pride, no excuse for arrogance and certainly no excuse for selfishness. Just because my life has come crashing down doesn't mean I should no be selfish. I shouldn't all of the sudden stop making the effort to invest in others. I shouldn't stop praying for those who need it and being generous when I can. I have no excuse and I still and held accountable to the same things as every other child of God. We all are and will be. So go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
posted by Kellie # 11:16 PM
